Toddler Times
Is A Well-Behaved Toddler A Better Toddler?
This morning, my 3.5-year-old son Shnook sat on the floor about three feet from a tissue box. I was about eight or nine feet away, nursing the 17-month-old Fuzzball on the couch.
Shnook: Mommy!! GET ME A TISSUE!
Me: There’s a nicer way to ask for a tissue. Also, can you see that I’m busy nursing your brother? You can get your own tissue and bring it over here. Then, I’ll help you.
Shnook: I DON’T WANT TO GET MY OWN TISSUE!! YOU DO IT!!
I’m not backing down, probably to my own detriment. My ear drums are especially pissed.
Me: Look how close you are to the tissue box!
You would think I would’ve learned not to argue by now.
Shnook: Let me tell you my idea. (I mentioned he’s 3 and a half, right?)
Me: What’s your idea?
Shnook: You pick up (Fuzzball) and go get me the tissue and bring it to me.
Me: Sorry, I’m not going to do that.
Shnook: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! (I wish I could indicate the decibel frequency of this scream.)
This went on for the entire time I was nursing. I’ll have all of you know… that I WON.
I WON!!!
HE GOT HIS OWN TISSUE!!
Okay, that is totally not the point of this post.
This post is about obedience. Or disobedience. Is it a bad thing if your children aren’t well-behaved (Sometimes, or all the time)?
Sure, we all wish our children would be well-behaved. Parenting would be a heck of a lot easier. That’s what it’s about, right? Adults are happier when kids sit quietly and do as they are told. But if they do as they are told all the time, what kind of adults will they be?
“…doormats,” says Annalisa Barbieri from The Guardian.
While I don’t think it’s any kind of excuse not to teach your children respect for others, I tend to agree with her. Challenging authority is probably a good thing. Luckily, many others agree, too.
Barbieri quotes Alfie Kohn, whom I first came to love for his views on homework, but who also writes about this very subject in his book.
From Barbieri’s post:
Alfie Kohn, author of ‘Unconditional Parenting. Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason’ says, “When I ask parents, at the beginning of my lectures, what their long term goals are for the children, I hear words such as ethical, compassionate independent happy and so on. No-one ever says mindlessly compliant.”
A compliant child becomes a particular concern, Kohn admits, when they reach adolescence. “If they take their orders from other people, that may include people we may not approve of. To put it the other way around: kids who are subject to peer pressure at its worst are kids whose parents taught them to do what they’re told.”
So, what do you think? Do you agree? Do you think letting your children challenge your authority is a good thing? Let me know in the comments!
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More by Naomi:
10 Healthy Foods My Toddler Will Eat
10 Ways My Toddler Avoids Bedtime
The Mom Club: We’re All Members
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6 Comments
Matthew commented on Jan 27 12 at 5:10 pmFor me it’s all about when they question authority and later in life, why are they questioning it. Somethings a kid has to do because thats they law of the land. Whining and questioning are two different things.
Jenny commented on Jan 27 12 at 5:22 pmOh, that sounds so familiar. My second child is now 3 and even though I thought I knew what was coming… every child IS different. The first one ( now 6) would just pout and kick her legs against the floor.
This one does a full scream, run into the bedroom, throw herself on the bed and will cry until I go in to soothe her routine.
But, both little complainers are also turning into self-sufficient young ladies. They do not always get what they want, but they know we are hearing their complaints loud and clear. And we know they are not always going to “behave” but they also manage to surprise us in polite company.
I wish you strength and reserve tanks full of energy.
Jennifer commented on Jan 27 12 at 7:52 pmMy children hear a zillion times a week, “If you don’t obey me, I cannot keep you (and your brother/sister) safe.” We try to help them understand that mom & dad’s dictates are not there to limit them arbitrarily, but to keep them healthy and to maintain a safe home for all of us. I think that developing the self-control necessary to obey, even when you don’t like it, is very valuable (I’ve had some terrible bosses I’ve had to ‘obey’ over the years.) Being able to trust that your parents have your very best interests at heart is a vital.
Monica commented on Jan 27 12 at 8:24 pmThey can challenge authority, but respectfully. Obviously in your story about your son we also don’t want them making rude demands of people and then when they don’t get their way screaming at the top of their lungs. We can’t always be compliant and let them have their way. But yes, they need to have the strength to stand up for themselves even with their peers who in some cases might come off as a voice of authority. We definitely don’t want our children to be compliant, but we want them to express their wants in a respectful manner.
Micheline commented on Jan 29 12 at 5:02 pmWow, this sounds familiar. Except my son just turned 3 and doesn’t quite have the language yet — it’s more like “HELP ME GET UP!” And then he starts throwing toys while I’m trying to nurse my 4.5 month old. It’s super fun. But yeah, I’d like to think this means he’ll be “fiercely independent” when he grows up, but I also need to know he understands when it’s really important to listen to us, for safety’s sake mostly.
Elissa commented on Feb 04 12 at 6:17 amPersonally, I think one of the best things about being challenged is that it keeps you on your toes. We’ve banned the word naughty from our house because we want to force ourselves to explain why THE BEHAVIOUR is inappropriate, instead of dismissing everything as “YOU’RE naughty”. The hope is that our son will realise that we respect him as a person, but that we have a good reason for asking him to do/not do things. But, he’s only 15 months, so I’ll let you know in a few years if that works.
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