Toddler Times
SAHM vs. WAHM vs. WOHM: We All Want the Same Thing
By now you probably know I’ve become a WAHM. Whoa my gawd, this is hard.
I chronicled the first week of working from home here for your viewing err, pleasure:
It went from blissful on day 1…
To frustrated by day 4.
My fellow Toddler Times sistah, Danielle even got in on the WAHM vlogging action here.
I’m mom enough to admit how weirdly wonderful and difficult the transition to working at home has been. I knew working from home was going to be hard but I had no idea it was going to be this hard (or this awesome either). Don’t get me wrong, working outside the home was hard too – really, really hard.
I’ve been mom blogging for a couple of years now and of all the gazillion blog posts and countless books I’ve devoured on the subject, I can tell you: the WAHM/WOHM/SAHM wars are nothing more than the need to be acknowledged.
No one choice is more “right” or honorable than the next. They’re all flippin’ hard and all worthy of recognition.
Hey, I know no one forced me to have a baby or two. These were my choices and I own them and love them like we all do, but that doesn’t mean it’s always easy. I think it’s only natural sometimes to question your WAHM/WOHM/SAHM choices or wonder if the grass is greener. I know these doubts and feelings tickle my brain on the days when I feel like my work is never done and I focus on my parenting failures and I feel like no one understands. We all have those days sometimes.
If you told me your partner doesn’t understand how hard you work, I’d nod. If you told me your employer doesn’t understand how hard juggling motherhood and career can be, I’d double nod. If you told me your childless friends don’t understand why you no longer talk on the phone, I’d refer you to this post.
And so, to my fellow mamas out there, I say this:
WOHM’s: Big fat hug to you. Been there. So hard. You need a vacation.
WAHM’s: Big fat hug to you. Been there for 13 days now. So hard. We need a vacation.
SAHM’s: Big fat hug to you. Who are we kidding? You’re a WAHM too. So hard. You need a vacation.
Mamas, no matter how you spend your 8-5, you’re still a mom. For that reason alone, we moms collectively feel your glory and your pain. Motherhood is more than playing nice; it’s about the unspoken understanding of our shared journey and all the joys and frustrations that come along with it.
What’s your take on the whole SAHM/WAHM/WOHM thing? Aren’t we all in this together?
More on Toddler Times:
Readers Share Their Biggest Parenting Fears
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26 Comments
AG commented on Nov 10 11 at 10:51 amAll moms work hard no matter if you are any one of those titles. I am a SAHMGC (stay at home mom going to college), new term! Just being a SAHM is not so peachy like many people think, we are doing what you normally would pay someone to do if you worked outside of the home, so I don’t understand why some people think those who choose to stay at home are working less. Your are right, we all deserve hugs and a vacation no matter what our situation is. We need to support all moms and stop judging!
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But I Do Have a Law Degree commented on Nov 10 11 at 11:02 amI love this post and SO agree. It is ALL hard. Being a mom is hard. We all need to support each other!
Christine commented on Nov 10 11 at 11:18 amAMEN!!!!!!!!
I, too, am tired of all the wars and such. Everyone do what’s best for your family. If it’s not working out then change it. Period.
I want to desperately be a SAHM (not WAHM … I do that once/week and it’s too hard for me to do full time). But right now, WOHM is what’s best for our family.
Cath @ Constance Reader commented on Nov 10 11 at 11:30 amI’m the WAHM of a 7 month old. And while I know I am lucky to be able to both WORK and spend time every day (lots of it!) with my baby, I sometimes feel like I have the worst of both worlds, too. Being a WAHM means I am not a great SAHM, and staying at home with my kid means sometimes that I am not the best WAH employee. I feel like my daughter always starts to cry as soon as I am assigned a deadline, or else a deadline gets assigned right as we are sitting down to read some books, or else I’m working at 2 AM.
Would I trade it, though? I don’t think so. Because right now it’s 11:30 AM on a Thursday and I’ve got a snuggly baby sleeping on my lap.
Great post!
PeskyPippi (@PeskyPippi) commented on Nov 10 11 at 2:40 pmLove the honesty. It’s all hard. Mothering + working + all the other crap. We need to try to be good listeners and support each other. Instead of one-upping with “well, I do X, Y, and Z” or putting people down as in “you really should do Z, Y, and X.”
I’m all about being real with yourself and your friends and sometimes “non” friends.
Thoughtful (and real) post,
Pippi
Elizabeth commented on Nov 10 11 at 4:57 pmI am a WOHM – but the “job” never ends…no matter who…BUT I will say this – My house is probably A LOT, and I mean A WHOLE lot messier than if I were a SAHM :) I find myself saying …. the laundry and dishes can wait, the mopping and cleaning can wait…my kids only have a few hours each night between school and bedtime and that time is more important to spend together doing fun stuff. :) plus fixing dinner and getting homework done…also I work “retail” hours so my schedule is hardly constant except that I get to work every saturday too – but so grateful to have a good job that pays our bills and provides great insurance so my daughter gets the services she needs for her special “need” :)
I often feel this way too – contemplating other jobs or not a job and wondering if we could make it work but for my daughters needs I have to do what I am doing right now. It is great most of the time, but Holiday time its awful. I really don’t like the time it sucks away from those special times.
Hats off to ALL Moms no matter what “job” you do. Its all work and love mashed together :)
Elizabeth commented on Nov 10 11 at 7:00 pmWell, you know where I stand on this issue. :) I believe all moms are working hard, doing the best they can, making the decisions best for their families and they ALL deserve respect and understanding. Not judgement and “Mommy Wars!”
Thanks for this great article!
Mandy commented on Nov 10 11 at 11:55 pmI’ve been a WAHM since 2008. It’s a challenge. It can make you crazy. It is also very enlightening and empowering, so long as YOU keep on top of your schedule. My biggest peeve is when friends or neighbors assume that since you are ‘home’ you can watch their kids, spend hours at the mall, endure hours of phone conversations/texting. There seems to be this myth that WAHM has plenty of time to get it all done.
While working, I notice things that I haven’t done, forgotten to do, get interrupted by older kids to check homework, fill endless sippy cups of milk… In fact, I find that I do most of my ‘work’ between the kids’ hours.
Don’t get me wrong. Working from home enables me to participate in my kids schools, go on field trips I missed when I worked in an office, as well as getting to work in my PJs when the urge strikes. It’s all about balance. Some days, I balance better than others.
Katie commented on Nov 11 11 at 5:52 pmAmen. Exactly the point I’ve been making. The whole me versus you thing has got to stop. We NEED each other.
Katie commented on Nov 13 11 at 2:52 pmThrough my experiences being a nanny, I know some moms who work away from home that are totally disconnected from their kids. Then in some cases, as the kids get older, the kids get resentful that I’m hanging out with them instead of their mom — it’s a hard dynamic for those moms who have to work away from home. I’m just glad I won’t be one of them.
Heiddi commented on Nov 13 11 at 3:07 pmI so agree with this post. All moms suffer from the ‘grass is greener’ syndrome especially when struggling with a challenge. I’ve been a WOHM since my son was seven weeks old. I didn’t have a choice on whether or not to stay home. I just had to go back to pay the bills. And I love it, most of the time, except when I can’t take off work to do something fun with kiddo. There are definitely times when I wish I could stay home, not for kiddo, just for me. Lol He’s 10 now. I admire (and sometimes envy) any mom who can stay home with the kids because the choice was there. I just didn’t have that option. And I realized that being a WOHM works for me because my brain would melt and ooze out of my ear without the outside stimulation. Great post diva and thanks so much for sharing!!!
Loukia commented on Nov 13 11 at 11:51 pmI hate that I work full-time. I can’t quite give up my day job, though, I do need the money. I loved having the month of September off, and being able to take my son to and from school, cook dinner, spend quality time with my three year old. However, I also love being in my office building, downtown, drinking my Starbucks in peace. In my perfect world, I’d work only three days a week. Maybe one day… and yes, we do all want the same thing, I think.
AngryWorkingMom commented on Nov 14 11 at 1:27 pm@AG…The reason that people think you aren’t working is because you are not working. No one is saying you sit on your ass. Own it..you don’t work…No one is suggesting that you are sitting in your PJ’s at 4PM. What they are saying is that you don’t work..at a job..where you have a boss and are paid for x,y,z and can get fired…
We all need to get each other and respect our very different, but equal places in the universe.
Nicole commented on Nov 15 11 at 12:15 amI was a WOHM for 3 1/2 years, then a SAHM/SAHMGC for 6 1/2 years, and now I’m a WOHM again. I agree, it’s all hard. Some things are easier with one than the other, others are more difficult. I would say to those who think SAHM’s aren’t working, they are indeed performing a huge unpaid job, without benefits or sick time, and that is childcare/babysitter/nanny. That said, it’s one of the only jobs on earth where you get to spend your day with your own children all day. :) Enjoy your kiddos, everymom, and don’t forget to carve out a few minutes just for you whenever you can. Cheers!
Olivia commented on Nov 15 11 at 12:20 amI work part time as a nurse in and Emergency Room. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard from my coworkers how lucky I am to only work 2 days a week…. I don’t know how else to emphasize that the rest of my week is at home with a toddler. Being at work in the Emergency Room sometimes feels like a brake!!!
Samantha at ShesNotBroken commented on Nov 15 11 at 12:41 amI definitely work hard as a SAHM than I ever did teaching preschool. Being a mum is hard work, no matter where you are.
Wing0125 commented on Nov 15 11 at 12:52 amI planned my career on the basis of wanting to work from home with a family. One thing I find helpful is that I maximize some of my working time by having a sitter for a couple hours when I am with students. I am sitting beside my sleeping toddler right now typing this out, and will head downstairs to do some marking before I put my other child to bed. As for filing system of little papers… I find using a single notebook to write things into… Phone numbers, ideas, reminders, etc. helpful. My kitchen cupboard has a lot of reminders taped to it, but my blackberry has everything alarmed up with reminders now so I don’t forget simple things like “pickup my child” from school (more of a warning bell so I have time to make it from point A to B to C with ample time). Sometimes I have a mother’s helper for a short time… Someone to play with the kids for a bit while I get something done, but I am home. My 3 year old helps me somewhat. I make it a point to play with the kids to show them how to play, and it helps make them more independent.
Anoosh commented on Nov 15 11 at 12:58 amEveryone here needs to join Moms Rising right now, the organization that is dedicated to advocating for family-friendly policies for everyone — SAHMs, WAHMs, WOHMs, and Dads of all stripes, too! Their mission, in a nutshell:
Maternity & Paternity Leave
Open Flexible Work
Toxics
Health Care for All
Early Care & Education
Realistic & Fair Wages
Sick Days, PaidHere’s the site: http://www.momsrising.org/
Allison commented on Nov 15 11 at 7:46 amAG, Perhaps you mean SAHM aren’t working for a salary, because they sure are working – without leave days, bathroom breaks, lunch breaks, and oh yeah -without the luxury of being able to leave the office. The definition of “work” does not include money, and it certainly is a job to be a fulltime caretaker. SAHM’s are working – just longer hours, without pay, and as we see here – without the respect of acknowledgement in many cases. This is why the war wages on – both choices need to be respected. OR, how about we just lay off the judgement altogether?
Teresa commented on Nov 15 11 at 7:56 amI don’t know why everyone needs validation that they work hard. Grow up.
April commented on Nov 15 11 at 7:59 amThat was a sweet post. And yes, we all need a vacation!
April commented on Nov 15 11 at 8:03 amMandy: I just wanted to laugh at what you said about being a WAHM and people thinking you have hours to talk on the phone, spend at the mall, etc. I am a stay at home mom and I don’t have time to do that stuff either. Even without the working on top of it. Who has time for any of that? Maybe rich women with nannies? I can’t spend hours at the mall because my kids would get whiny and tired and would not tolerate that. I can’t spend hours on the phone because there are things to do here and my kids would not tolerate that either. Kids need attention. I just found that hilarious. I don’t know any SAHM that have time for that kind of thing either.
Lissa commented on Nov 15 11 at 8:47 amAll moms work. I try to make that belief clear on my blog because SAHMs might not get paid but they sure ought to! I’m a WOHM 4 days a week and a WAHM 1 day a week and it’s hard but I think it would be hard to be a SAHM too. My daughter is newly mobile and it can be exhausting making sure she is entertained (without TV) on the days I’m working at home with her but also safe. At daycare, it’s like Gymboree in her Wobbler Room — play mats, things to stand up on … all safe. At our house, it’s not nearly as exciting. So trying to keep her safe and entertained isn’t easy and work needs to get done, so I’m learning how to strike the balance. The bulk of my work gets done the however-many-hours a day she is napping or before she wakes up. And it’s amazing how productive I can be during that time! I think the whole “mommy wars” notion is a crock. We all want to be valued, respected, and feel fulfilled. And for each person, that occurs in different ways.
merry commented on Nov 15 11 at 2:30 pmi have been a WOHM a SAHM and now a WAHM they are all hard. no one is any better than anyone else moms are moms and that in its self is the hard part. no matter what you are be proud of who you are. We all get paid 4 what we do in our own ways. buy providing for our kids, being their 4 our kids and teaching our kids work ethic and values thats whats important
lucy commented on Dec 20 11 at 10:20 amWe are all trying to raise the best humans possible whether we are SAHM WOHM WAHM SAHP! Parenting is hard work and kudos to all who embark on this journey!
Lyn commented on Jan 05 12 at 9:02 pmI didn’t think there was still a divide between moms. Who has time to judge? The little “me” time we get can not possibly be spent imagining what it’s like to mother differently. Come on sisters
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