Toddler Times
Co-Sleeping: Is There a Toddler in Your Bed?
We’re going through a stage at our house right now. A stage where pretty much every night, at some point during the night, our kids come down to our room and want to sleep with us.
And usually we’re too tired to care, so we let them.
When I was pregnant with our first child, my husband and I talked about the kind of parents that we wanted to be. Co-sleeping was something that we said we would never do. Kids, even babies are supposed to sleep in their own beds, we said. Of course, we were perfect parents until we had children.
And really, everything changed when we brought our first little baby home. So tiny, and precious, and helpless. There was no way that we were putting her in her crib upstairs while we slept in our room downstairs — it seemed so far away. So, she slept in a bassinet next to our bed, and soon the exhaustion of new motherhood and continual middle of the night feedings took it’s toll on me, and pretty soon I figured out that I could get a lot more sleep if I just brought my daughter into bed with me.*
It saved my sanity, and I realized that I actually liked it. I loved to snuggle with her and wake up next to her, so precious, so sweet. And even though she would start out sleeping in her own bed, she ended up in our bed pretty much every night until she was around nine-months-old, when she night-weaned, and she was getting more and more active as she slept, making it uncomfortable for all of us. I missed having her in our bed, but I also needed my sleep.
Then my son was born about a year later, and we did pretty much the same thing with him, although I started with nursing him in bed from pretty much day one, and I was thankful that I didn’t experience the extreme exhaustion that I had in the first few weeks with my daughter.
And again, when he was around nine-months-old, we moved him to his own bed full-time, and I was sad as that season of our relationship passed.
But now we’ve entered a new season.
My kids can be really good sleepers. They can sleep through the night, in their own beds, in the room that they share. We went through a little bit of a rough phase when my son started climbing out of his crib, but we worked through that, and they were back to a good sleeping schedule. But, for some reason, over the past few weeks, they have more and more often shown up in our room in the middle of the night. So much so, that recently it’s become a nightly thing.
And you know what, I’m okay with it.
We’ve figured out how to make it work for us. My daughter is an active sleeper, so she can’t actually sleep in the bed with us because no one sleeps except for her. So we put down some thick blankets and a pillow on the floor in our room, and if she wants to sleep down there, she can. She still has the comfort and security of being close to us, without disrupting our sleep. Our son sleeps in the bed with us, and at this point is a pretty good sleeper, so we are all able to get the rest we need.
Are there times where my husband and I say that we need to start making our kids go back upstairs and sleep in their own beds, instead of in our room? Sure. We say that. But the reality is when it’s the middle of the night, and you’re woken from a deep sleep, all you really want to do is get back to sleep as fast as possible, and the easiest way to do that is to let your kid sleep with you. So, that’s what usually happens.
The thing is, co-sleeping with your toddler is not going to hurt them, and I do still enjoy the moments of snuggling with my son in bed, watching him as he sleeps, and waking up next to my kids. Just like when they were babies, I know this is just a stage, a season we are going through right now, and I don’t worry that they’ll never be able to sleep on their own, in their own beds. I already know they can do that.
I think one thing that I have learned as a parent is that things with kids change, and often change quickly. What was true for a kid yesterday, may not be true for them next week, let alone tomorrow. And realizing that can be so freeing, because you don’t have to spend so much time worrying about how something will affect your kid in the long run. You can do what is best for you, and your children, and your family right now, and when things change next week, you will do what you believe to be best then too.
So for now, I will welcome my kids when they make their nocturnal visits to our room, and I will cherish the moments, knowing that nothing lasts forever.
Does you toddler sleep in your bed with you? Do you cherish it, or dread it? Why?
*The AAP does not recommend co-sleeping with infants under the age of 6 months, this is only a story of my personal experience with co-sleeping.
Photo source: atkinson000/Flickr
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28 Comments
Megan commented on Nov 01 11 at 12:20 ammy baby girl is turning a month old on Saturday (no need for tears, I’m crying enough for the both of us) but co-sleeping has been my saving grace. I have a bassinet that got used all of 3 days home from the hospital. between breastfeeding and being a single mama, co-sleeping is a life saver. I’m not overly tired in the morning as I only lost a half hour during the night to feed and change a diaper. I have yet to experience fussiness going back down as she calms the second I stroke her head. the aap is wise for bringing light to the dangers of co-sleeping. I would never drunkenly co-sleep or while heavily medicated. but my queen sized bed paired with a newfound light slumber has been quite accommodating to sleep filled nights. thanks for the post!
lbh commented on Nov 01 11 at 9:35 ammy son is 9 1/2 months old and still sleeps pretty much every night with us. We usually will put him down in his crib to start, but probably 5 nights out of 7 he will wake up and instead of standing there for 30 minutes bleary-eyed while he screams and wakes up his 2 year old brother, making us then have to get HIM back to sleep too, I just bring the baby back to bed with us. That way, we all get plenty of sleep. If he happens to make it all night in the crib without waking up, that’s fine too. So far, I’m failing to see a downside..
Anonymous commented on Nov 01 11 at 10:27 amI love that parents who co-sleep or allow their toddler into their bed with them cherish the moments…they are special, and one day, the toddler will grow up and want nothing to do with the parent. I DON’T like, however, when these same parents end up complaining that their preschooler/elementary aged kid won’t sleep in their own bed. If you’re going to co-sleep, sometimes you need to prepare to have a rough transition ahead…and don’t complain about it. You set it up yourself that way.
Christine commented on Nov 01 11 at 11:59 amStill co-sleep with my almost 11 month old. Co-slept with my older one until she was 18 months old and #2 was born. Even after #2 was born someone often had to sleep in bed with her for her to get any sleep.
nikki commented on Nov 01 11 at 5:15 pmi tend to cherish it cause i know there will be a day when she wont even want to sit next to me let alone sleep in my bed yet this does not stop me from getting up every night and putting her back in her bed
Carol commented on Nov 01 11 at 5:15 pmI did NOT co-sleep with my son when he was a baby. He slept in his own crib every night. As he crew into and out of a toddler bed I bought him a twin bed. I know he can sleep in it as he was doing so earlier this year. However, for the past 6 – 9 months, he wants to sleep in my bed (as in go to sleep in my bed and sleep there all night). While my ex and family see this as a problem, I do not. I know that he will not be there when he is 16 yrs old and besides, who else am I sharing a bed with? Oh yeah, no one. If it makes him more comfortable and sleep through the night, then fine. I know that soon enough (he is 3.5 now) he will no longer want to cuddle, kiss or hug me or even admit in public that he knows me. So, I will take what I can get now and enjoy it!
Myia commented on Nov 01 11 at 5:20 pmWe never did the co-sleeping when our boys were infants. But now that my oldest is 4 yrs old we let them each have a special night once a week where they get to sleep with mommy and daddy. I absolutely LOVE it!! We let him pick a movie and we all snuggle up in bed and watch the movie until he falls asleep. It’s such a short time that they want to love on you that I’m more than ok with sharing this short time with him. Once my baby gets a little older we will let him do the same.
Lisa Rosebraugh commented on Nov 01 11 at 5:31 pmI have 20 mo old twin boys.. i breast feed both of them, I chose to co sleep with them. if i had no i would have never slept. we knew it would be hard later. and we still haven’t got them out of our bed. but sleep is very important to me and with twins i needed all i could get. yes the bed is crouded and its hard to get alone time. but this time with them is very important to me. they will sleep in there own beds eventually.
Kristina commented on Nov 01 11 at 5:31 pmI co-slept with both my kids till they were one. In fact, I’ll sometimes fall asleep next to my son. I love it and wouldnt change a thing!
Christine commented on Nov 01 11 at 5:42 pmWe co sleep. I could not imagine sleeping any other way. It just makes sense!
Leslie commented on Nov 01 11 at 5:55 pmCosleeping with our 2 1/2 year old daughter. Pretty much since day one, except some hours in the cosleeper attached to our bed til she was 3 mo old. We’ve had to move house a few times, so it’s just been easier to keep her with us. Plus, I LOVE IT. She still nurses, and nurses at night. It’s been the best option for our family. We’re fortunate to have enough space in our room to have 2 queen mattresses on the floor, so there’s plenty of room for the 3 of us. She’ll go to her own room someday, but not until she wants to. I realize she’s going to be little like this for such a short time, and I want to make the most of it. There’s nothing better than waking to her smiles and kisses and hearing her say, “Mommy, I love you.”
Jana commented on Nov 01 11 at 5:58 pmCouldn’t do it. We tried for a bit with our first out of necessity when we moved houses, but it was a disaster. Could be because I have big, wriggly kids.
Here’s what it looked like with our son:
http://www.momillustrated.com/2011/03/09/co-sleeping/
tessa commented on Nov 01 11 at 6:53 pmWe have a nearly 3yr old who has started to come back to our bed in the night. I don’t even feel him getting in which is fine for me but not for my partner, as apparently the most comfy position is laying ON daddy! We also have a 6 month old in with us and theyve both been there since birth, the baby more so as he was born at home. Our 6 yr old never bedshared but he still gets in with us at times. It’s nice and I like the cuddles :)
Karen commented on Nov 01 11 at 7:26 pmMy son is 8 months today, and before i had kids and even when he was born i believed that babies/kids need to sleep in their own crib/bed simply because to me your bed is like “your special area” a place to relax to sleep to reenergize, etc. For the first weeks (ok like the entire first 2 months) i insisted on puting the baby to sleep in his crib and i did but later when he needed to eat again id be exauhsted but id still put him back in there when he was done and when i finally got to laydown i knew it’d only be a little bit before hed wake up again so i wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep and when i finally started drifting off hed wake up, and repeat. Finally i gave in to feeding him in bed and i realized it was comfortable and we all got the sleep we needed and ever since i put him to sleep in his crib when he wakes for his mid night feeding he goes in bed with us, it saved my sanity! Now idk how im gunu get him out of our bed later lol
Maria Mae commented on Nov 01 11 at 7:46 pmWell….my oldest daughter is 5 now,she slept in her crib for a few months then i let her sleep with me,considering my husband is away at work a lot it really didn’t bother me .NOW I have a 9 month old daughter & she sleeps in her crib until about 3 am every night then she’s in with me also.It is fine WHEN my husband is not home BUT when he is …4 in our bed is rather crowded ..LOL.I nursed both,I think this happens to a lot of breast fed babies,it’s easier on mom in the middle of the night then it becomes habit for the little ones.Everyone has their own opinion regarding this….I ,myself think ‘what the heck,they grow up too fast anyway”,THEY’LL OUTGROW IT!Enjoy the baby years guys,they go by too quick.Really sucks that I have a cute lil girl room for my 5 year old but oh well,she’ll use it one day :)
Hawk (yes, like the bird) commented on Nov 01 11 at 8:28 pmWe co-slept with our son from the first night and it made all of our lives better. Our son always felt close and secure, and we didn’t have endless trips to the nursery during the night to soothe a crying baby. It even made travel and trips easy since we didn’t have to pack port-a-crib or pack-n-play. Around 10 months old our son showed signs of readiness for his own crib and the transition was incredibly smooth. We’ll let him sleep in our bed if wants to in the future, and we completely agree it’s an awesomely sweet stage.
Michele commented on Nov 01 11 at 8:44 pmMy almost 8 yr old son is autistic, and though he starts out in his own bed, about 4 out of 7 nights, he ends up in between us. And that’s fine by me. It allows me to cuddle a child that I normally can’t.
Kristen commented on Nov 01 11 at 9:03 pmAs much as I love watching my son sleep and being with him, I love the quiet moments that my husband and I get to share late at night or first thing in the morning even more… alone. Things work differently for every family, but I agree with “Anonymous.” If you choose to co-sleep (because even in the middle of the night, it IS a choice), then I don’t want to hear you complain about you not getting enough sleep, lack of intimacy with your spouse, the rough transition, etc.
Amethyst commented on Nov 01 11 at 10:44 pmI Loved Co-sleeping with my babies, From newborn til they were done nursing ( about 11 – 12 months with each baby) When my daughter was born we knew a couple who lost there baby to SIDS and i was very scared. Co-sleeping helped me get sleep , not only from not worrying but also it was so helpful while nursing and gave us bonding time. We did the same with my son when he was born, Though he wiggled alot more he slept with us when he was tiny and once he got bigger he sometimes didnt want to be in the bed with us but near us so he slept in his swing beside my bed ( i know another frowned upon thing.. but it didnt hurt either of my kids its how i transferred them out of my bed to there own).
Now both my kids 4 and 2 sleep soundly in there own bed/ crib in there own rooms. ( yes my 20 month odl is still in a crib he likes it. My daughter was out of hers at 16 months she hated hers every kid is different)
There are some nights and weeks they sleep in my bed, teething times, nightmare stages etc I don’t see any issue with this and well i like the snuggles I dont get many these days anymore and im glad i got that extra bonding time. Though honestly it dosnt happen often now as they both are bed hogs and dont like sharing the covers :) They usually snuggle and go back to there own beds after awhile.I see nothing wrong with it. to each there own :)
Amethyst commented on Nov 01 11 at 10:49 pmI should also say with my daughter she was colic ( i had no idea what that was i just thought she was evil lol) and i had severe depression and was completely exhausted and sngry all the time. It took us a month to figure out you could sleep with your baby, After that my depression went away, i got the sleep i was desperatly missing. And my mood improved it helped me bond with my baby. ( as a note i had a c-section too so getting up before we figured out co sleeping was very hard on me). By the second kid and second c section we had it all figured out.
Kimberly commented on Nov 01 11 at 10:56 pmI co-sleep… but the cycle breaks the day they turn two. I breastfeed til 2 and nighttime nursing is the last to go
Naomi commented on Nov 02 11 at 2:21 amLove this post. Yes, they both sleep with us, or we sleep with them, too! I’ve learned to embrace the single bed with toddler, it’s really not so bad- it’s cozy!
Jennifer commented on Nov 02 11 at 2:23 amMy 2 year old sleeps with us and has from about 6 months old. I swore she would never sleep with us but once she did we both loved it :-)
Stephanie commented on Nov 02 11 at 5:25 amI am a co-sleeper, family bed, baby in bed as a newborn (following strict safety guidelines), and let them sleep with us as pre-schoolers if they need to – kind of mama. To me it is the most natural thing – if you think about it…new babies (mammals) of any kind pretty much nestle down with their mamas or parents every night. How unnatural would it be for a new baby ape to be born and then left to sleep in it’s own bush by itself? I know that might sound strange to some – but in reality it is not so far fetched. A baby has spent 9 months attached to you and then separating at birth really makes no sense at all. We do it in a modern world because we have created things to make it “safe” (like cribs, monitors, etc.) I believe that babies develop stronger attachments, feel more secure, and are more independent in the long run knowing the option is there. If they choose to sleep on their own (and many times my 2 and 5 year old do) – that is fine. But if they want to be close to mama and papa – that is fine too. Soon enough they’ll be grown up and the family bed is a great gift to our family. There is nothing like waking up to the sweetest little person and holding them close! To each his/her own for sure – but I definitely encourage people to be open to it. Check out anything from Dr. Sears if you are interested more in attachment parenting and co-sleeping.
Diane commented on Nov 02 11 at 10:22 amJana, the cartoons are hilarious!! I’ll be back for more. =)
Hey, all. Please be really super-careful about co-sleeping. I hate to mention something so sad, but I know someone whose boyfriend’s grandson was smothered while co-sleeping with his dad. He was maybe five months old, and so adorable in his pictures with his dad, who was obviously crazy about him, that it broke my heart to find out what happened. If I have children someday, I think I won’t trust myself, but get one of those devices that go in the bed between you, with little barriers to keep the baby safe while still being right next to you.
Angie commented on Dec 31 11 at 8:01 amWe co-sleep with our three year old and our 3 day old. Yes, we love it, but it also has some difficult moments – all parenting choices do! What I don’t understand is why it’s ok to have a bit of a moan about pacing the floor at 3am, trying to get your newborn to settle enough to put her in a crib, but it’s not ok to have a bit of a moan about your lack of intimate time in a co-sleeping household. *Both* are personal choices. That’s ok, but surely it should either be ok to have a moan about either, or we should remain closed-lipped and stoic about *all* our parenting choices!
stephanie commented on Apr 02 12 at 10:54 amhave a 2 year old we have coslept with since day one. he has never been a good sleeper so we sacrificed our sleep to share this lovely experience. Now that he is 2, he is getting even more active in the bed. rolling from one side to the other, draping himself over us, playing with my hair. i do not think he is ready to be separated at night but dad and mom are really starting to crash. any ideas?
Francesca commented on May 15 12 at 4:43 pmI worked full time, exclusively breast fed and coslept! Without co-sleeping id probably have gone insane. This really did save me from losing sleep and I loved our bonding and connection. Ofcourse, there are times when I’d get frustrated because he starts moving around or waking me up but overall it was much more convenient for me. Now, he is 20 months old and still co-sleeping. I am ready to have him go sleep on his own bed and I really do hope it will be an easy transition for him…lets see.. if not oh well! like you say, it is a phase and he will one day sleep on his own bed. And for those who think co-sleeping affects your sexual relationship with your partner…you are not being creative enough! lol. there are plenty other times/rooms/ways to get it on!!! lol. :)
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