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Kids' sense of ownership is very strong
Insisting that little kids share — it’s one of my parenting pet peeves. The idea that toddlers and young preschoolers should rotate their possessions back and forth is expecting something of them that we don’t even do ourselves.
“Okay, you play with this for five minutes and then let your friend have a turn,” is like saying to an adult, “okay, you read the first chapter of that novel, then give it to me so I can have a turn.” A slinky, a Lego tower, a book, or a ball — to a child in the moment, they’re just as important as any of our favorite pastimes.
Of course, it’s also a developmental issue. Little kids are still working on the concept of empathy and putting themselves in the shoes of another person (that’s why I think it’s helpful to narrate some sharing situations for them, like to say, “it looks like so-and-so is really interested in your toy. Whenever you’re done playing, we’ll let him know.”) Talking your kids through how their actions affect other people seems more important than imposing a sharing rule.
But a few days ago, Canadian researchers reported on a finding that gives us another clue as to why objects and possessions stir up such battles for preschoolers:
Social skills start in the sandbox
School is about more than learning your ABCs and multiplication tables. It’s where most kids learn the social skills they’ll use their whole lives. Yet few school teach social and emotional skills directly. They’re learned on the playground and in the hallways, not in the classroom.
Schools in British Columbia are changing that with the MindUP program, which teaches kids specific lessons on mindfulness, social skills and emotional self-control. Programs like this are sprouting up all over, using techniques from meditation sessions to classroom visits from babies. The goal is to help kids build empathy.
They learn to do things like walk away from an argument until their feelings cool down, think through problems together, and avoid bullying behaviors.
The programs are a response to the rising problems with bullying. Research shows that empathy has been falling among schoolkids, possibly because of the rise in technology and media use among young kids. Mindfulness programs are working to fill that gap, giving kids some instruction in the basics of being nice to each other.
A study carried out by the University of Haifa in Israel suggests kids who take more risks in preschool are on average less empathetic towards their peers.
The researchers observed 3 and 4 year old children in school, at home, and in the lab, and also collected reports from teachers and parents. They assessed how “fearless” these kids were, and then looked at their social and emotional functioning.
First of all, they found that the more bold, risk-taking little ones had a lower heart rates. Here’s what else they found: Continue reading »
Should we teach girls to 'act like ladies'?
Over at MomLogic, Dr. Wendy Walsh writes that she’s starting to wonder about all this gender-neutral parenting and where good old-fashioned manners come in. The single mom has done the hard work of getting her two daughters to chew food with their mouths closed by telling them to, well, chew with their mouths closed.
But at a recent dinner with another family — one with a mom a dad, two girls and a boy — she’s reminded of the shorthand for eliciting good behaviors from little girls: do X like a lady.
And you know what? Dr. Walsh kind of likes it. Continue reading »
A few months ago, I ran into a neighbor at the library. As I stopped to say hello, her 12-year-old son did something that shocked me. He looked me in the eye and said, “It’s nice to see you again.” I just about fell over. Here was a middle school kid who not only acknowledged my presence, he did so in the most polite and respectful way. I immediately fell in love and began plotting his future wedding to my 9-year-old.
Sadly, that fine young man’s grasp of proper social skills seems to be a rare thing. Not a day goes by that some child doesn’t phone my house and demand to speak to my kid without even saying hello first. They don’t identify themselves and they never, ever say please. And don’t even get me started on birthday parties. They show up, toss a gift my way and barge right in. And when they leave, they rarely say thank you. I am regularly stunned by the lack of basic social skills possessed by kids today.
Faye Rogaski feels the same way. When teaching a college level communications class, she says she was shocked by the social ineptitude she witnessed among her students. They dressed for class like they were going to the beach and their vocabularies didn’t include the words “please” and “thank you.” They didn’t introduce themselves or offer handshakes in greeting.
Realizing that college is far too late to begin instilling the manners that everyone needs to succeed, Rogaski started socialsklz, a New York City area school that equips kids from 4 to 17 with the “tools to thrive in the modern world.”
In her classes, young children learn the importance of eye contact, handshakes, and proper phone etiquette. They learn table manners and how to write a thank you note. Tweens are coached on speaking properly without the all the “ums” and “ya knows” and are even instructed on proper text messaging and email ettiquette. And teens learn all those social graces and more, including college and job interview skills.
Rogaski’s school is a great idea but she’s teaching something that parents used to teach their own children. I don’t know if today’s parents weren’t taught these things themselves or if they just don’t see the importance. Or perhaps it’s a geographical thing. I currently live in the Northeast but was raised in the South where failure to exhibit proper manners was a punishable offense.
While there is a school in the UK that teaches basic social skills to children as young as three, here that task generally falls to parents. Who, based on my own experience, are clearly falling down on the job.
What do you think? Does your child need a social skills class? Do you?
Image: rolands.lakis/Flickr
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Fruit Roll Ups Dangerous and Unhealthy?
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Teens, Alcohol and Parenting Style
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The counselor at my child’s school recently hosted a lunch for all the girls in the 3rd grade. She used the opportunity to talk to the kids about their social lives. Specifically, she warned them of the pitfalls of forming cliques and encouraged them to avoid pairing off into groups.
Her attitude toward exclusive friendships is one that is being echoed around the country. Worried about the bullying and the social ostracizing that can sometimes result when kids pair off, teachers and other professionals who work with children are trying to discourage relationships that exclude others. Continue reading »
No matter what you think about being forced to volunteer at your child’s elementary school, a new study published in the May/June issue of Child Development shows there’s good reason to do it. Students whose parents frequently visit their school cooperate more and have better self-control in class. ”In addition, children were less likely to be either depressed or anxious,” according to Business Week/Health Day News.
The study followed more than 1,300 children from 10 U.S. cities from birth to fifth grade, and although problem behaviors were shown to be curbed due to parent involvement, student academic performance was not noted to have improved. But get ready for forced volunteerism, anyway, because according to the article’s abstract, “Implications for policy and practice are discussed.” Continue reading »
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