Which of these kids is Mommy's favorite?

Do I have a favorite kid? Sure.

I know, it’s the ultimate maternal trespass to fess up to that. One of my fellow Babble bloggers set the blogosphere on fire earlier this year when she admitted to loving her son more than her daughter. Parents are supposed to love all their children equally. We need to believe in that myth like we need to believe in a benevolent higher power. Most of us won’t even admit to ourselves that we might prefer one of our kids to the others.

But those who do have a favorite child are in good company. The cover of this week’s Time magazine boldly asserts that we all play favorites among our offspring. As Lisa Belkin writes in Motherlode, the argument is that we’re hard-wired by evolution to love one child more than the others.

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I’m guessing you’re all aware of the recent widespread brouhaha caused by a Babble blogger who revealed her preference for one child over another in a highly controversial manner. I declined to comment on this post at the time, because there was such an onslaught of reactions it seemed pointless. But I have certainly thought about it a lot. One of the things I thought was unfortunate was the fact that the blogger’s original point was so valid, and so valuable—but it was totally lost in the fray of the way she expressed it, and the outrage that expression generated.

It would be so simple if we could all feel an absolute balance of love among all our children, but the reality is that favoritism happens. It happens quite often, in fact: A high percentage of parents (65% of moms and 70% of dads) consider one of their children their favorite: usually the oldest. But parents are right to worry about it. In addition to the inequities in how children are treated,  favoritism can lead to competition, and feelings of guilt for the favorite child and jealousy and resentment for the less favored one. But having a favorite child doesn’t have to be a tragedy. In fact, it doesn’t even have to be a big deal.

The key is to keep an eye on the damaging stuff, rather than focusing on the unrealistic goal of a constant even-steven state. Here is Parenting expert Michele Borba’s three step plan to help keep things from getting out of hand:

Step 1. Take a parent reality check. Continue reading »

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“You like Ruby more than you like me!” my 8-year-old daughter Jesse screamed the other day during an argument.

Of course, she knew exactly what to say to upset me. No parent wants to be accused of playing favorites.

Although I didn’t say it at the time, at that moment, I did like Jesse’s little sister more. But that’s only because Jesse and I were in the middle of a fight. The truth is that while I occasionally like one of them more than the other, I always love my daughters equally (because how can you measure love anyway?).

Parents are only human, after all. It makes sense that occasionally, we’re going to clash with our kids’ personalities and prefer one to the other. Continue reading »

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Do you find yourself frequently auditioning for the role of “favorite parent” in your house?

That’s actually not all that healthy of you, or good for your kids, according to this Psychology Today blog by Dr. Ellen Weber Libby, a psychologist and author of the book “The Favorite Child.”

For example, she said, a parent could try to woo the chld over to their side by enforcing limits lackadaisically or not at all, or by literally trying to buy love with toys or treats. Continue reading »

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Cambridge University researchers recently made a rather bold announcement.  They say that according to their recent study, a male grandchild’s risk of mortality actually increases when he’s in the care of his paternal grandmother.

Female grandchildren, on the other hand, seem to fare better when Grandma’s in charge.

It’s all part of the “grandmother theory” that says that women live past menopause so that they can help take care of their children’s children.  Men, apparently, live past 50 so they can play golf and watch C-Span.

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