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Strollerderby
What It’s Like To Be A Parent In An Open Marriage
It’s movie night at my house. Six kids are piled up on the couch downstairs watching How To Train Your Dragon and devouring pizza. My girlfriend and I steal a private moment together while our husbands settle the kids in.
We say a sleepy hello, she gets a work call, and I comfort a sad toddler. End of moment. It’s chaos, but happy chaos. There’s a lot of laughter and smiles amid the juggling act of feeding everyone dinner and making sure no one’s view of the dragons is blocked by an elbow.
When the movie ends, my girlfriend and her husband bundle their kid up and head home. My husband, Martin, and I tuck our girls into bed. He tidies up the living room, getting ready for his sweetie to arrive for their date night. I pack up my laptop and head out to a lover’s house. Not for a hot date. We’re getting together to work for a few hours. I’m behind on a deadline.
This is a snapshot of life in an open marriage: busy, happy, full.
At least the way we do it. There are as many ways to do a polyamorous relationship as there are people having them. You might have a quiet home life and a lover you see once a month who’s never met your kids, or two wives who live side-by-side with you in a big ranch house in the suburbs.
How Does That Work?
When people ask about my open marriage, the same questions come up over and over. They all boil down to this: Does that even work? How?
Yes, open marriages can work. My husband and I will celebrate 10 years together this fall, and we’re looking forward to many more. Our marriage has been open since day one, and I don’t see that ever changing.
Monogamy was never on the table for us. I’d been practicing polyamory since high school and was dating two other people when I met my husband. Martin had never tried non-monogamy, but he thought I was pretty special and wanted to give it a go. It’s certainly not what our parents wanted for us — I think my mom hoped it might be a phase I’d outgrow — but they’re supportive.
While there are infinite ways to structure an open marriage, my husband and I have one with a few lovers who are closely entwined with our lives. We celebrate birthdays together, and go on family trips. In the decade we’ve been together, I’ve had a handful of lovers, all of whom were close friends before they shared my bed. My partners are like extended family — we don’t live together, but we see each other often and our families have close relationships. People take all kinds of approaches to this. Some never introduce their lovers to their kids. Some live together in households where three or more adults are parenting together.
And apparently we’re not that unusual. Around 7 percent of straight couples have arranged some kind of consensual non-monogamy, according to a recent Slate article. Numbers are much higher for gay men and a little lower for lesbians. Still, there’s been little enough research done that these numbers remain fuzzy. What is clear in the research is that practicing polyamory doesn’t make or break most relationships. Couples in these relationships report levels of satisfaction with their marriages comparable to those living in monogamy-land. There’s no evidence that open marriages are more likely to break apart or be unhappy.
What About the Sex?
Martin and I are both bisexual. We each have sexual desires we can’t meet within our marriage. So what? Lots of bisexual people are monogamous, and I date men as well as women. For me, polyamory feels like as much of an orientation as being gay. I’ve always been prone to falling in love; I fall in love with lampposts. Knowing this, I’ve always structured my relationships around the freedom to fall in love and honor those desires. Having more than one partner simply feels right to me.
Many couples are conflicted about sex: how often to have it, where to have it, what kind to have. And once you get married, there’s the expectation that the other person will not, or should not, have sex with anyone else. But how realistic is that? As writer Dan Savage said in an interview with The New York Times last summer:
“Folks on the verge of making those monogamous commitments need to look at all those failed monogamous relationships out there (Schwarzenegger, Clinton, Vitter, whoever’s on the cover of US magazine this week) and have a conversation about what it’ll mean if one or the other partner should cheat. And agree, at the very least, to getting through it, to place a higher value on the relationship itself than on one component of it, sexual exclusivity.”
In a recent op-ed for The New York Times, Savage wrote about the double standard made obvious in Newt Gingrich’s spat with his ex-wife, Marianne. Gingrich was more comfortable admitting to a 20-year-long adulterous relationship with a staffer than giving any credence to his ex-wife’s claim that he requested an open marriage.
“Marianne Gingrich’s accusation shows that an honest open relationship is more scandalous than a dishonest adulterous relationship.”
Wanting sex, and a lot of it, is almost criminal. But getting our sexual needs met makes us happier. In For Better, her book on the science of marriage, New York Times health blogger Tara Parker-Pope writes:
“But for most couples, the more sex they have, the happier the marriage. Passion and sex are the distinguishing qualities of a romantic relationship. Chances are that physical attraction and sexual chemistry are a big part of what brought you together as a couple, and intimacy and sex remain essential ingredients in a good marriage.”
An open marriage simply takes that a step further, opening the door to getting sexual needs met with partners other than one’s spouse. Though polyamory won’t magically solve all your sex problems, it does open up possibilities monogamy doesn’t. If you and your spouse just want genuinely different things in bed, you can each get your needs met without tearing apart your otherwise good relationship.
That willingness to trust each other and try new things has been one of the foundations of our marriage. It’s helped us navigate the waters of an open relationship and deal with all the mundane stuff that comes with running a household together.
What About the Kids?
While there’s no research on the impact open marriages have on the children who grow up in them, there is plenty of anecdotal evidence that they’re doing just fine. When I’ve written on this topic before, in my blog and for Salon, numerous people have written to tell me their parents were polyamorous, and they grew up happy and healthy. As Jenny Block writes in her book, Open: Love, Sex and Life In an Open Marriage:
“What’s normal to kids is whatever’s presented as normal. We want Emily to think it’s perfectly normal that lots of people love her and love us — in a purely platonic way, of course — and for people to hug and cuddle and be together. And so she does, because that is what she sees.”
Since my kids were born into this, they’ve never found it at all strange. In their world, it’s normal that grown-ups have sleepovers sometimes with their special friends. Mommy having a girlfriend is no more unusual to them than mommy having a book club. Martin and I have chosen to live our lives openly. We don’t hide anything from the kids but we also haven’t sat them down to explain the details of our adult lives to them. I don’t think they ever need to know what I do in the bedroom.
What they need to know, and what they do know, is that their parents love them, and that their dad and I are committed to our family. They also know that we have other people in our lives who love us, and that some of them are people we like to snuggle with and sleep next to.
At ages 4 and 7, our children have other concerns. They care about things like learning to read and riding their bikes, about getting to play with their friends, and whether or not they can have candy after dinner. As long as we’re happy, the details of our marriage are no more interesting to them than the details of our tax returns. I won’t be surprised if one day they have questions about polyamory. I hope when they do that we’ll be able to have a comfortable, open conversation about it the way we do with other things in our lives.
Why Be Open?
Open marriages are not that different from their monogamous counterparts. Martin and I sweat over bills and schedules just like anyone else does. We wash the dishes and take out the trash. We have awkward-but-sweet date nights where we split a bottle of wine after the kids have gone to bed and make out like sneaky teenagers on the living room couch.
In our community, we’re fortunate to have a wide network of friends for whom polyamory is perfectly normal. It’s typical for us to go to social events together with our other partners. At a friend’s brunch last weekend, I was sitting on the couch casually holding hands with my lover while Martin chatted with his girlfriend across the room. The kids bounced back and forth from my lap to his, playing a silly game. This is a pretty typical scene for us.
Of course, being out in daily life and talking about open marriage in print are two different things. I’m writing this essay because I think it’s important to provide images of open marriage that counter the stereotypes. We’re just a normal family … who happen to have more resources.
My girlfriend and I share the work and joy of parenting with each other as well as with our respective husbands. On a practical level, that means things like babysitting for each other on short notice, offering a shoulder to cry on when being a mom is hard, and sharing everything from hand-me-down clothes to road trips.
I have a lover who tells my kids unforgettable stories. My girlfriend will spend an entire afternoon making paper cranes with my older daughter. When my husband and I want to go on a date, we can swap for babysitting.
Of course I do these things with my friends, too. Having more loving adults in your life is great no matter what your relationships with those people are. Extended family, close-knit friends, and support networks, like playgroups, all serve vital roles in our lives.
So why is my girlfriend my lover and not my BFF?
Well, there’s the sex. There’s also that ineffable thing called love: I’m in love with this woman. Three years in, she still makes me break out in shivers and sudden bursts of poetry. I’m so lucky to share my life with her, with my husband and with my community of friends and lovers.
What Are the Challenges? (Don’t You Get Jealous?)
It’s the question one always hears, right after “Does it work?” and “What about the children?”
One thing we don’t struggle with is jealousy. For me, it’s just not a big deal. I know that when my husband is with his girlfriend, he’s safe and loved. He comes home happy, and he shares that joy with me. I’m completely secure in his love.
That’s not to say that in 10 years we’ve never hurt each other. We’ve miscommunicated about when one of us would be home. We’ve each gotten so caught up in the excitement of something new that we’ve neglected to talk through all the details. We’ve had bruised feelings over developing crushes.
New relationships in particular can cause big waves in existing ones. A lot of people in open relationships talk about New Relationship Energy, that dreamy period early in a relationship when all you can think about is your new lover. That can be a wonderful feeling, but it can also wreak havoc on your existing partners. It’s important to keep your head out of the clouds enough to keep tending the garden of your home and family, even in the midst of falling in love.
And it’s always a work in progress. The things that worked for us early on in our marriage aren’t the same as what sustains us today. We’ve gone through periods where we had a regular date night with each other, and periods where that’s seemed unnecessary. We’ve had times where we shared a lot of details about our other relationships, and times where we didn’t need to talk about it much.
For those who do struggle with jealousy, there are any number of coping mechanisms. People have little goodbye and greeting rituals with their partners when they go out on a date. They might always text to let their spouse know when they’re on their way home. Some people choose things that they hold sacred in a given relationship: for example, my husband and I never have dates with other people in our shared bed; we go out or have overnight guests in the guest room.
For many polyamorous people, jealousy is seen as a red flag that some other need isn’t being met: a sign that you’re not getting enough of your partner’s time and attention. On the other hand, sometimes jealousy is just an emotion that arises, the emotional equivalent of a headache. You don’t need to do anything about it, and it doesn’t mean anything is wrong. The answer might simply be to sit with it until it passes, and maybe ask your sweetie for some extra hugs.
The real challenges arise around scheduling and juggling priorities, like in most marriages. It’s always going to be somebody’s violin rehearsal on someone else’s birthday. When there are kids involved, it’s clear their needs come first. I’ve more than once cancelled a date because a school event or PTA meeting wound up scheduled for the same evening.
Keeping things flowing smoothly requires a lot of patience and communication. You also need to trust each other absolutely. If these things are rocky in your marriage, you may want to work on them before bringing anyone else into the mix.
It’s also a good idea to remember that you can’t try polyamory out the way you would a new hobby. When you begin a new relationship, you’re connecting with a real person who will be hurt if you drop them six months later like a pair of running shoes that didn’t quite fit. That doesn’t mean you should be afraid to open up your marriage. For me, and most of my friends, the joys far outweigh the challenges.
As I said before, poly families resemble monogamous families in a lot of ways. I just spent an hour talking to my girlfriend about a charter school we’re both considering sending our kids to. Last night, my husband’s girlfriend came over and sat with my second-grader doing homework while he did bath time with the little one. Our partners are folded into the fabric of our family life. Most of what we do is just normal family stuff.
For Valentine’s Day this year we’re making a silly dinner for the kids: all red foods and heart-shaped cookies. But it won’t be just my husband and me around the table; we’ve invited lovers and friends to join us with their kids. I anticipate some laughter, some good conversation and some delicious food — similar to what my monogamous friends are doing, just with more dinner guests.
Photo: Hammer51012
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49 Comments
Meagan commented on Feb 14 12 at 5:49 pm“There are as many ways to do a polyamorous relationship as there are people having them.”
You could probably say the same thing about monogamous relationships, and judging by the divorce rate (or at least judging from the relationships I’ve seen fall appart among friends), maybe more people should ask, “how does that work?” about typical families. I’m more than happy in my monogamous marriage, but I certainly don’t grudge my swinging friends their fun, nor disbelieve any of my friends who manage to make more complicated arrangements work out.
goddess commented on Feb 14 12 at 6:24 pmBravo to you- sounds like a wonderful life~
Valerie commented on Feb 14 12 at 10:23 pmI don’t agree at all with this article, I think it is ridiculous… just my opinion…but everyone is different and it’s a free Country. So more power to you.
bettywu commented on Feb 15 12 at 12:40 amI’m happy you’re happy but I feel skeptical about your presentation that it’s sunshine and roses all the time. I can certainly understand the desire to put a positive face on what can be an explosive topic that isn’t mainstream socially acceptable yet. What I can’t get past (and it may be just my own crap) is the feeling that in the circus of partners, girl-friends, boyfriends and spouses that are in orbit with you, there isn’t at least a person or two who thinks/hopes/deludes themselves that they are going to get more from you than you are willing to give. I’m not insinuating that you are anything other than honest with the people (and lampposts) you fall in love with, I just am having trouble believing that every single person you’ve been with is somehow immune to this pretty common manifestation of human nature.
Also – it sounds downright exhausting! I have enough trouble maintaining and respecting the emotional needs of myself (alone time) and one spouse with a demanding job and kids in the mix. I admire, if nothing else, your energy level!
Suzie commented on Feb 15 12 at 7:31 amYes, the first thing that hit me about this was what Bettywu closed with…and when you described life as “busy, happy, full” with busy as the first item. I am on board with being monagamish, but actually having to have relationships with the people seems like so much work! I don’t want to be busy and after I put my kids to bed, I just kind of want to chill…cool that it’s working for you, though, and great detailed essay on it all…
Kate commented on Feb 15 12 at 8:48 amI quibble with your comment that because 7 percent of people do it, it isn’t unsual. Actually, by definition that means it is. And within that minority, I’ll bet Sierra Black and her husband and girlfriend and her girlfriend’s husband are another minority. (Because it’s probably a lot easier just to have flings on the side than full blown secondary relationships.) That doesn’t meant it isn’t true, I just think you have to admit you’re unusual.
Sierra Black has the habit of glossing over reality and framing articles in a certain way that make her look great . She’s not entirely honest. I’ve seen it multiple times in her writing on multiple issues. I no more believe this account than I believe anything else she writes about herself and her life. In two years, she’ll put a completely different spin on the issue. (In fact, I didn’t realize she had written the article when I started reading it. Because I would have skipped if I had.)
But I do know openly polyamourous couples. I don’t doubt this works for some couples. But the couples I know spend a lot of energy and time entering new relationships, finding time to meet the needs of their primary partner and their side lovers. I guess, some people have great energy and maybe having a girlfriend who is also a mother and good with kids has benefits. Extra hands and all that. But I can’t see this working for most women. I could go into why, but I won’t. I’ll leave it at thinking that Ms. Black’s life is unusual for a reason.
Holly commented on Feb 15 12 at 3:07 pmFramed as a tell-all looking for acceptance, but really just a “look how great and special I am: the sex, the energy, the fact that 3 people want to f*(k me…” I, too, call bullshit. Human emotions are just not perfect like that. Someone in this web is unhappy or will be unhappy. I suspect it will be the children when they are old enough to know what’s what.
Sweet16 commented on Feb 15 12 at 4:22 pmI would like to understand how Sierra chose to marry her husband over everyone else with whom she falls in love. And for that matter, why get married at all?
Jessica commented on Feb 15 12 at 4:27 pmHow long before more than 2 people wanna get married and secure federal and state benefits???
Just sayin…
Melissa commented on Feb 15 12 at 4:49 pmThis whole essay was interesting but all I could think was “WTF” I couldn’t imagine this works as smoothly as you portray it. Two people in my marriage are plenty. I couldn’t imagine any more nor would I want to add more. I think people just have different views on what marriage is…
Genevieve commented on Feb 15 12 at 6:35 pmYou say there was is lots of anecdotal evidence of children growing happy within an open relationship household.
Well I beg to difir, my parents were in an open relationship and sure it was fun…lots of new happy adults until I was about 13 then it was horrible, I knew what sex was, I knew my parents could not be satisfied with each other and I got so darn sick of being nice to a new partner evey 3 or so years, it was embarrassing and it made me really really resent my parents and their selfish ways. ‘ look we are all a family’ well no, I know mum leaves and you go bring someone else over to have sex with…just because mum is o.k. With it does not make me anymore comfortable with it.
My siblings and I have a very strained relationship with our parents now, they have had so many lovers and still do, it’s traumatizing to open your heart up to these people who are ultimately there to satisfy one parents sexual needs.
Now my siblings and I are all n very monogamous relationships and hope we can be satisfied with our partners, that’s why we take care to pick the rights ones. And also life is more about giving than it is about receiving.
I wish you well but if you continue to only look and anecdotal evidence that agrees with your opinion then you are very I’ll informed. Most other adults I know who grew up like I did or in communes etc have very very rocky relationships with their parents and themselves.
I don’t think monogamy works for everyone but children like clarity and don’t like their parents sexuality on display!
Genevieve commented on Feb 15 12 at 6:36 pmWow so sorry for my spelling, I typed without thinking..
Pepper commented on Feb 15 12 at 7:23 pmI’m another poly person who is also in a stable situation: a live-in partner of nine years (with a boyfriend of four) and two girlfriends of four years each.
For the nonbelievers out there, the way Sierra has portrayed it is exactly right. Drama is rare. We typically socialize with multiple partners at once. My girlfriend’s boyfriend is over at my house all the time. Folks pitch it, like my girlfriend who just loaned her car to my live-in partner, who was in a fender bender.
Sure, relationships take energy and some work. But good relationships also make us more energetic, and do not demand constant heavy emotional input to survive. And, with more hands and more support, much of the work of day-to-day life is alleviated.
Many of you can’t imagine doing this, and that’s fine. It just means it isn’t for you, and you shouldn’t do it. But it is wonderful for many of us, and so we do it.
Jennifer commented on Feb 15 12 at 7:47 pmThere’s another kind of poly that isn’t being looked at in this article. Poly fidelity. No I’m not talking about Warren Jeffs and the like. I’m talking about three consenting adults committing to each other, living in the same home, and sharing a life together. It is possible. Does it have its challenges? Of course it does. Does a regular marriage have challenges? Of course it does.
I think the bigger picture here is we accept a cheating spouse more than we accept a commitment. It’s easier to look past a husband cheating on his wife, then it is to accept a husband loving his wife and another woman.
My husband, our husband, loves us both. He has been married to my wife for 20 years. Their love is a wonderful thing. I feel lucky to be able to share that love with the both of them. I am bi-sexual, she is bi-sexual. It works well for the both of us to be able to love each other and love him too.
We are not the norm we know that. I’m okay with not being normal. Have you seen normal?? However, I deserve the respect and rights that people feel they deserve in a monogamous relationship. We are equally committed to each other as any other monogamous relationship. Our marriage is not open. That is just what works for us.
Daniela commented on Feb 15 12 at 8:10 pmI am sorry, but this article is sick. All you care about is sex?Children are not stupid, one day they will understand.I would be ashamed if my parents did it. Sorry, I strongly believe there is something wrong with you guys.
C commented on Feb 15 12 at 9:45 pmI read all the negative (dare I say a bit hostile?) comments and had to chime in. I’m in a happy, stable, polyamorous relationship, and wouldn’t go back to monogamy for anything. We discuss and work through the problems we have, and value clear and honest communication above all else. I see plenty of monogamous couples battle with jealousy, and it’s just not an ongoing issue for me or my partners. It takes some effort and a lot of patience, but the joys are certainly worth it. I hope to raise kids someday in that framework, and teach them that love is something to be shared, rather than jealously hoarded. It’s great to hear from a poly parent who is making that happen in their own life. Thanks for sharing your story.
Jaime commented on Feb 15 12 at 11:18 pmGross and what really does this have to do with parenting? Except an example of how to raise a family without morals.
Carolyn S. commented on Feb 16 12 at 10:35 amThis has to do with parenting because as far as I can tell, basically all decisions you make about your life after you become a parent have some kind of effect on your parenting. The author is saying here that polyamory helps her be a better parent, helps her find more ways to cope gracefully with the challenges of taking care of small people. I, for one, think that’s pretty awesome.
People who say that families like this don’t have morals confuse me. Is one’s morality defined only by one’s sexual life? I certainly hope not ! An extreme version of this logic would dictate that somebody who commits fraud that robs people of their savings but remains faithful to their spouse is more moral than somebody who communicates honestly with people they love and works hard to do good in their community.
Finally, to those who say that somebody is unhappy or will be unhappy here: no version of love I have ever seen protects from unhappiness. I’ve had both monogamous and polyamorous relationships that brought me great unhappiness, and I’ve had both monogamous and polyamorous relationships that brought me joy more than sorrow. Nor does all the joy or sorrow in our lives come from our romances, which is something I think we all also know if we just stop to think about it. In the last year I have struggled with career issues, chronic pain, and the death of my beloved brother. My love life, on the other hand, which currently includes two amazing men (one of whom I am legally married to) has been a great good. Of course our intimate relationships are important, and I am grateful for my intimate relationships of every kind every day. But those relationships are only one facet of what makes up the complexity of our lives.
H commented on Feb 16 12 at 11:53 amFor those of you who say that raising kids in a non-monogamous household is harmful, the burden is on YOU to provide evidence. I think that you are appealing to tradition here. Well, just because it’s not traditional does not mean that it is harmful, and just because raising a child in a monogamous household is traditional does not mean it is superior.
Think for a minute. What else is traditional in child rearing? Not beating your kids was unusual at one time. Is not beating your kids harmful? It’s not traditional.
Kate commented on Feb 16 12 at 11:56 am@C- Can I roll my eyes now? Because seriously your statement is ridiculous. I I
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I’ll go back to hoarding my love now, along with empty margarine tubs. (Don’t hoarders usually hoard stuff people don’t want? Can you consider yourself polyamourous when no one wants you?) Good thing I’m off the market. I think I’d rather be celibate.
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Jennifer – I’m fairly normal. I have no problem with being ordinary. How can you ask others to support your life when you insult me and mine?
Natja commented on Feb 16 12 at 12:05 pmIt is so funny that whenever a Poly person posts about their lives there are always people commentating that they are 100% sure ‘it doesn’t work’
Do you have any idea how many times functional happy long term Poly families have heard that?
What is happy anyway? One would think that all monogamous marriages were happy and lifelong the way some people go on.
Can’t be sure that all the adults won’t come back to shoot down the bogus assumption? Why not throw in a ‘What about the poor children??? I recall those same people decrying mixed race relationships for the same reason.
And why on earth would someone assume it is ‘all about sex’ . Are monogamous relationships all about sex? No, they are about relationships and as long as people can have one or two or three relationships and meet all their needs, can you tell me….what the heck has it got to do with you?
Pyr commented on Feb 16 12 at 1:55 pmI was once against polyamory because I felt very offended by it while I was still monogamous. Many years later I looked at that post and had a good laugh about it, because I knew that I was completely mislead. I had seen both worlds, and they are both valid. Poly does not threaten monogamy in any way.
Kate – in what way do you feel offended? I don’t see anybody insulting the mono lifestyle. Nothing in the article says anything negative about monogamy, neither does Jennifer’s comment.
Inside the poly community, the overwhelming majority thinks that monogamy is fine if both partners want this kind of restriction. But it’s obviously a stupid idea if what you really desire is a polyamorous commitment instead. People like that exist, and they won’t interfere with you in any way. They are not interested in you, or your partner, in any way – because you want to be mono. You have nothing to be afraid of.
Just live and let live.
constable commented on Feb 16 12 at 1:57 pm@Kate – actually, if you listen to yourself, you just hit on something really real about the appeal of polyamory, at least to me. “C,” above, as I hear her, said she wanted to teach her children that love is something to be shared, a quality or an energy that we give in expansive networks, rather than a fixed quantity to be jealously hoarded. You call this “ridiculous.” But, as you point out, hoarders DO usually hoard stuff people don’t want — or is it that there something that happens when stuff is hoarded, rather than taken out and used and circulated, where it actually *comes* to be less-wanted, as it drops in value as a result of being locked away?
This is my experience of polyamory — that it keeps my and my husband’s love active and used and alive and moving through the world. And in my experience — which I totally know would not be how many would think of it! — that DOES keep its “value” up, in how it feels to us.
One example: If we were monogamous, we sometimes mention offhandedly to each other, we could both really see where we’d have the unconscious tendency to let ourselves gain tons of weight, stop taking care of our bodies, etc. — not out of apathy toward one another, but in order to ward off advances that might tempt us, to make it easier for us to keep what would for both of us be a very difficult vow! We’d both have to radically transform ourselves and our friendships in order to take any and all eroticism completely out of any interaction with anyone but each other. But as it is, we are strongly committed to remaining fit and healthy and good-looking for each other — because I never want to be a let-down when he comes home to me, and vice-versa!
So think about it — hoarding feels happy and secure to some people, oppressive and deadly to others. That’s why we ideally have a DIVERSE SOCIETY.
Caroline commented on Feb 16 12 at 2:13 pmThere are a lot of close minded people commenting on this. I particularly want to talk about the people who say that their children will resent their parents for being open about their sexuality. No, they will not, if you teach them that everyone loves in different ways and there is no right or wrong way for relationships between consenting adults to work. Putting the needs of children first is important, but that does not mean you should neglect or hide yourself away because you might embarrass your kid in a decade. This woman sounds like she has a more stable family life than I did growing up in a nuclear family. They obviously know how to communicate with each other and deal with the problems that arise in their situation. This situation would not work for everyone, but it obviously works for some. Good for you guys!
@Daniela: Where is this article did it say that all they cared about was sex? I saw this woman talking about love and emotion and commitment. Not that sex isn’t important and vital to any relationship, because it is. If you would be ashamed of your parents for being true to their sexuality and emotions in a loving manner like this, you are an incredibly selfish person and I hope you raise you children to be more tolerant of people who are different.
@Genevieve It sounds like your parents didn’t realize the impact of having their secondary partners leave your lives, and handled that situation badly. That can happen in any relationship though. If any parent has a constant string of lovers in and out of their kids lives it can be traumatizing. That was just poor judgement on your parents part.
Vida commented on Feb 16 12 at 2:29 pmWow. People seem to be completely missing a lot of points made in the article. Which makes it pretty clear it’s NOT all about sex. That’s the whole point of polyamory, as far as I can see.
While some comments raise some good and relevant points of interest, I don’t think there’s anything ‘gross’ to be found from this essay or lifestyle – unless you’re homophobic and you have issues with the lesbian relationship the woman is leading – maybe it’s gross and unnatural to be bi, though. Oh, right. What was that about morality again?
Holly commented on Feb 16 12 at 4:48 pmI’m chiming back in because I keep thinking of those kids. They are growing up in a home where the abnormal is presented as normal (statistically speaking, not judgy) and rather than growing up to be so free and easy and confident as somehow predicted by their parents…they are growing up to not fit in to overall society. They will have to choose at some point: live within the polyamorous community I was raised in, or live in the larger world where most people I meet and date will expect monagamy. I imagine it will be like growing up in a cult or Amish, or some other nontraditional group. Some will stay and others will leave and have fractured relationships as a result.
I think the poly folks should do as they please in their own rooms, but really, let the children grow up to make their own choices and have a foundation that is translatable to the broader world. Children learn how to have relationships from their parents, and children will be made insecure by changes in those relationships – no matter how much you tell yourself otherwise. Lovers come and go? Not cool with kids around, whether you are divorced or poly – keep the kids out of your sex life.
Juliet commented on Feb 16 12 at 5:46 pmHow many degrees of Sierra are there? You and hubby are in a poly relationship, but are your girlfriends/lovers expected to be monog? Are they allowed to date others, and so on, and so on, and so on….
I consider myself fairly liberal, but I don’t know if I truly believe in poly relationships. You’ve been married for 10yrs and have had many other lovers, why not find one and settle down? Your lovers may be integrated fully into your family, but they must always know they are second to your primary relationship/family. I wouldn’t want to be second in any committed loving relationship.
Blackgirlinmaine commented on Feb 16 12 at 6:03 pmI find the concept of Open Marriage fascinating, it sounds like if you can make it work, it’s a great thing but I would imagine that meeting people and building relationships requires a great deal of work.
Not sure though why people are so hostile to open marriage, the reality is so-called traditional marriage can be dysfunctional and mess kids up too. I would rather parents are open and honest about who they are rather than to find out at 30 that the “perfect” family you thought you had was a sham.
The reality is most people are not monogamous, they practice serial monogamy, where they go from partner to partner. I am at the stage of life where most of my friends are divorcing, even I have grappled with it. In most cases it’s because 10-15 years in, you realize that your so-called soul mate is not your soul-mate, so you move on. Problem is a lot of pretty functional relationships are trashed and people are constantly searching for someone who meets their every need when the reality is no one meets anyone’s every need. So to some degree I can see open marriage or a polyamorous life style as an alternative, but most of us have no intention of going against society’s gold standard for relationships.
The end result is we are either somewhat happy, have affairs or eventually divorce, all of which impact kids.
Galliard Girl commented on Feb 16 12 at 7:35 pm@Holly, would you think the same way of children being raised by homosexual parents? After all, that fits your definition of “abnormal” in a statistical sense.
What if we changed a couple of words in your sentence?
“They will have to choose at some point: live within the HOMOSEXUAL community I was raised in, or live in the larger world where most people I meet and date will expect HETEROSEXUALITY.”
Obviously, that sounds pretty crazy – after all, the sexual orientation of the parents does not affect the sexual orientation of the children. If the kids are heterosexual, they’ll grow up and date the opposite sex. If they’re homosexual, they’ll date the same sex. No problem!
It’s the same way with poly- and mono-. People who want polyamorous relationships – whether they were raised in a poly family, a blended family, a single-parent family, a traditional family, or whatever – look for people to date who are okay with the idea. They don’t date people who want them to be monogamous. Likewise, people who want monogamous relationships look for people who want monogamous relationships.
The cool thing about those raised in a poly family is that these kids are probably going to know what they want because they’ll actually be aware that there’s more out there than monogamy… or the options of cheating or serial monogamy if “forsaking all others” doesn’t fit them. They’ll make a conscious choice about what style of relationship is right for them.
They’ll be able to have conversations with prospective partners about what they actually want in relationship, whatever kind it may be. Furthermore, they will be more likely to have the communication and negotiation skills that help ANY relationship be more successful.
In other words, if monogamy is what these kids WANT in the future, they’re probably LESS likely than others to have the kinds of “fractured relationships” that you warn about.
Jon commented on Feb 16 12 at 10:53 pmIt’s amazing how hostile the monos are. They spend so much time trying to repress their sexual urges because that’s what “has” to be done, that when someone comes along and says, “hey, actually, um, that’s not necessary, you can be happy married and still sleep with other people,” their heads explode.
Triceratops commented on Feb 17 12 at 1:09 amJust another polyamorous, happy woman here, whose two partners would laugh to see all the doom and gloom predictions. We’re all doing great, have been for 12 years.
Natja commented on Feb 17 12 at 7:33 amWow, Holly where on earth do you get your beliefs from? To liken Poly to some cult where children will be isolated from all external culture is just….frankly bonkers!
Polyamory is not some closed society where your only choice is to do as you see, nor is a parent having more than one loving partner going to make a child ‘unfit for society’ What tosh! Is a child who grows up with a single parent with no partners ever ‘unfit for society’?
If not, what is it about more, than less, which contributes to moral degradation? Or perhaps it has more to do with cultural norms being mistaken for biological/psychological norms? Bear in mind that the idea of lifelong monogamous, nuclear family units are actually a fairly recent thing in human society and is still, in Western culture, more of a ideal than a reality.
Try to think a bit more critically instead of speaking of irrational fears that have no real sense of reality.
Holly commented on Feb 17 12 at 9:38 am@Natja – clearly the call went out to the poly folks, all 12 of you, to come and defend Sierra. Let me break it down for you: my kid is not playdating at your house. And I’m not alone in that, I’m sure. $20 bucks says poly family kids hide it from their Jr. High classmates, future co-workers and such.
@Galliard – one big difference: homosexuality is not a choice. Smaller point that the homosexual population is much larger, much more integrated, and for most people in this day and age, not considered abnormal. Correlation fail.
victoria commented on Feb 17 12 at 9:54 amI’m happily (and monogamously) married. I vigorously object to the idea that “morals that are different from mine” = “no morals” and the idea that “lifestyles that are different from mine” = “harmful lifestyle.”
Jessica commented on Feb 17 12 at 12:20 pmWOW! This all comes down to having sex with as many people as possible. Teaching your children that love and vows are a joke. You care more about orgasms than your children. Why the hell did you get married?? I think you and your “husband” are perverted, and your kids should be taken away and put into a family where they come first, not mom and dad’s sex drive. But thats just my opinion.
Lia commented on Feb 17 12 at 2:47 pmI was in a poly relationship for a time, and I left it BECAUSE of the time drain. IMHO, parents who are in poly relationships are deluding themselves: there’s only so many hours in the day, and splitting your time among the partners and your kids and other friends, in many cases, leaves at least some of those feeling shorted.
Kate commented on Feb 17 12 at 3:09 pmConstable, Pyr and C – Hoarding is as a mental illness. People who hoard are SICK. Like all people they deserve respect and hopefully love, but they also need help. They aren’t happy. Comparing the love in my marriage to a mental illness is at LEAST the very rude.
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Would you like me to compare your happy sexual partnerships to having a mental illness?
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Jon, my head isn’t exploding. But I do tend to get hostile when I’m called mentally ill. It’s amazing how many poly people here think they are superior just because they need to fuck multiple people. I’ve heard that many times. It’s no more attractive than thinking you are better than others because of your faith or your shoes.
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Our heads seem fine, but thanks for the concern. This has gotten 35 comments as of when I last looked. Several positive. Many from poly people themselves.. Not a huge blow-back for a mainstream parenting site. I’ve seen posts about eating habits get more comments or Christmas traditions.
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And while I call bullshit on the WAY this article is written, I didn’t say it wasn’t at least partly true. Personally, I’ve never seen such a perfect family. But what do I know? Maybe she is the 21st century Donna Reed.
Marie commented on Feb 17 12 at 3:51 pmGreat story! My husband and I are in a 26-year open marriage and we have four children. It’s not all bunnies and rainbows, but I wouldn’t live any other way. The reason the kids know about how we choose to conduct relationships is because we choose to live in integrity. I want people I love to know the real me, that includes my family and closest friends. We don’t have “a string of lovers coming in and out of the house.” We have long-term relationships after dating someone for a period of time. During the dating phase, we don’t introduce the kids. We wait until we know this person will be a long-term part of our lives. Even monogamous people I know have a string of people they bring into the house and introduce them to their children-they are called FRIENDS.
I don’t think having more loving people in their lives confuses the children at all. They just have more people to go to for life advice, homework help, words of praise, and a hug. Kids in polyamorous families are the most intelligent, loving, compassionate, and tolerant kids I know. They know we are different from the mainstream. Often poly families are different from the mainstream in other ways, as well. Gender orientation, sexual orientation, non-Christian religions, homeschooling,and adoption are all ways our family is different from the mainstream. So even without the polyamorous aspect, there is explaining to do to others. Our children are proud of their differences and know to ignore the naysayers when they are being themselves and living in integrity.
Suzie commented on Feb 17 12 at 5:51 pmWow. Nobody better say I’m judgmental cuz I don’t think babies belong in daycare. This thread takes the cake. Poor Sierra!
Jenna commented on Feb 18 12 at 12:35 amThank you for sharing, it was a wonderfully written and facinating article by the way. I’m sure you’re getting plenty of negative comments on this (I didn’t read them because I assumed they’d just make me angry) but with the divorce rate for heterosexual monogamous couples hovering somewhere around 50% I have trouble thinking the people writing those comments have much credibility.
ariela commented on Feb 18 12 at 1:01 amI found this essay refreshing and fascinating. It’s sad that so many people have made such judgmental and hurtful comments, demonstrating only their own close-mindedness. In my relationship just before I met my husband, my boyfriend and I agreed that if we were to stay together in the long run, we would both be interested in (and ok with) consensual non-monogamy, and because both of us are not naturally jealous people I think it would have worked out (although we ended up breaking up for other reasons).
I agree that those who defend of the status quo of ‘monogamy’ (e.g. rampant cheating and high divorce rate) don’t have credibility – and I congratulate those who have found a different path and are able to make it work. Anthropological evidence suggests that early humans weren’t strictly monogamous in the first place, so why are we so obsessed with going against our nature?
Pyr commented on Feb 18 12 at 6:10 amDear Holly,
you are perfectly demonstrating *why* kids grow up “abnormal”. Not because of the polyamorous environment they grow up in – but because of parents like you that take your hate on different concepts of relationships out on my children!I think you are correct: poly family kids might hide the fact that their parents are poly. Why? Well of course because of parents like you that otherwise prevent them from playing with your children like all others! But that is really your fault entirely, not mine as the poly parent.
The situation is completely analogous to what gay people faced a few years ago. Gay-hating parents would not let their children play at the gay parents’ house. Do you feel *that* would be justified?
I am not teaching my children that monogamy is bad. I am merely showing them that I do it differently, and that this is an option. You seem to have the delusive idea that polyamory is some sort of cult, that polyamorists seclude themselves from the rest of society. That’s totally not what happens – we just act as if what we are doing is perfectly normal! That’s because don’t want to be treated special. After all there is no big deal in consenting adults agreeing to such a relationship structure, right?
When your kids have only ever seen monogamy, they are only fit for monogamy. They will never make a concious decision for or against monogamy because they think it’s the only way you can do it. Perhaps it is not even the right model for them, perhaps they would be much happier in a poly relationship – but you are effectively keeping that whole idea form them. When my kids grow up, they will on the other hand know the alternatives. They will of course know that society expects monogamy, and if they choose monogamy for themselves they will make a concious decision for it. Much, much better overall, don’t you think?
Also, why do you think that monogamy is a choice and homosexuality isn’t? I know that I fall in love with other people than my partner. So I do not believe I am fit for a monogamous relationship at all. How could I learn to be monogamous? How could I learn to not fall in love with other people? I don’t think you can, just like you cannot learn to love the other sex if you only love the same sex. There is really no difference.
Galliard Girl commented on Feb 18 12 at 9:04 pm@Holly – Non-monogamy is not a choice, either. It is the way our bodies work. One could choose to be monogamous, but it will be a hard path against biology, and the chances are that biology will eventually win.
There are many studies that support my assertion. For example, women are attracted to a different kind of man when they are ovulating than when they are not. Women who are ovulating are more attractive than other women to all men. The human reproductive track reflects the evolutionary pressures of sperm competition (the sperm of many different men are adapted to try and keep each other from fertilizing the egg) rather than mate competition (sexual access to the female is “won” by a competition among males).
Heck, just look at the statistics for cheating and remarriage — having more than one sexual partner IS THE NORM. It’s just that the poly people accept this and deal with it directly and honestly.
You also ignored the rest of what I said. No matter what the future holds for the children raised by poly parents, they’re more likely than those raised by “monogamous” parents (who are often cheating, or divorcing and remarrying parents) to have learned communication skills from their the adults in their lives, for those adults are likely to be using those skills in order to manage multiple relationships.
By the way, the 8th grade son of my husband’s girlfriend has friends who know about it.
@Jessica – you might be mistaking polyamory for swinging. Swinging tends to be more about the sex. Poly is definitely NOT all about the sex. Some people even do both! However, poly people generally are building strong, supportive networks of people they love – and they might be in sexual relationships with some of them.
Raquelle commented on Feb 19 12 at 2:00 amWhat a fabulous, well written article. Thank you. This made my night. :)
Ally commented on Feb 19 12 at 2:02 amI’m too impatient to read all the other comments, but I’ll put in my two cents. I respect your decision, and all for the freedom to love! But it seems like its a lack of respect to not give yourself fully to your husband or one person. How do you choose a “favorite”?
I’m also afraid your kids will grow up knowing it’s okay to love many people, but could seriously damage future relationships if not aware of the different paces of society. I’m not hating since you get plenty of that already, but it’s sad to me that you can’t have a network of friends/love/support that doesn’t include sex. What’s the big deal?? An O is an O. Why do people have to be so obsessed with sex???? Why not just have relationships built on trust, friendship, family, etc…you don’t need to sleep with your neighbor to be close to them.
As far as the “falling in love” part, have some self control. Doves pair up only once in their life, so do NOT use nature as an excuse for desires and needs. Sorry for the hatin, maybe I’m jealous of your courage, but I couldn’t give pieces of myself to so many people like that based on sexual desire.
Galliard Girl commented on Feb 19 12 at 8:50 pmAlly – It’s nice that you respect Sierra and her extended family’s decision to live this way. I see that you equate respect with giving yourself to only one person. While I can’t speak for Sierra and her family, I know that I am showing respect for myself by accepting myself and what I need, and I am showing respect for my partners by accepting them for who they and what they need. Both of my relationships are at different levels but not because of choosing “favorites” – it’s just what works between myself and each partner individually, and I respect both of those relationships as being as unique as my partners are. Equating respect to limiting yourself to one partner and limiting your partner to just yourself is something I can appreciate as being important for you, but it is a stance that I have never personally been able to make sense of for myself. Even in childhood, I looked at the love triangles portrayed on TV and in movies and wondered, “What’s all the fuss? Why can’t they share him/her?”
While I understand that you have a completely different way of thinking from myself, I do have a quibble about one of your statements. You have been duped by the common fallacy of monogamous doves. The definition of “monogamous” in the study of birds is different than the standard definition of monogamous that you are using. Like nearly all birds, doves are socially monogamous but not sexually monogamous. They form pair bonds to raise a brood, but they will also mate with others on the side, as seen particularly through DNA studies of the chicks. Even bird species that pair bond with several different partners over the course of raising as many broods in a single year are called “monogamous.”
jsr611 commented on Feb 20 12 at 10:53 amWow. I’m speechless over this article. I guess it depends on what you want to teach your kids. Feels very self-indulgent to me as well as really confusing for little ones. Again, free country and you can do what you want but I don’t understand why you got married in the first place.
Alley commented on Feb 21 12 at 10:12 amwtf… that’s about all I have to say.
Bob commented on Mar 15 12 at 7:07 pmThough I am a happily monogamous married man, I consider it impressive that people in the polyamorous community can sustain multiple relationships in parallel. I think it takes a greater knowledge of yourself and confidence level than most people have.
The other comment I would make, is that though I do believe there is a loss in the novelty of getting to know new people intimately when you get married, I think there is also a gain of stability and simplicity which can be a stable platform for going off and doing other things, including having a family. Given all the things I want to do in business and art and socially and so on, and given the finiteness of time, I would consider it too much to tackle all of the above.
My suspicion is that polyamory is more of a young person’s endeavor, and that over time one person or the other would probably suffer from a larger degree of jealousy, which would create a rift. If that’s not the case, as I said at the outset, I am impressed.
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