I belive as you do that it’s important to have a “family” identity. I grew up in a blended household where there were multiple last names… and everyone wound up being called by my Dad’s last name whether it was actually there last name or not. I didn’t have any special attachment to my last name and I wanted to have the same last name as my son and my husband has a more unique last name.

I’m curious about what kids were upset about “multiple family identities”. I’m admittedly irritated by all “think of the children!” type arguments because I think they deflect the argument away from actual discussion toward emotional manipulation. In my generation of friends it was practically normal to have a different last name from at least your mother (on account of divorce) and possibly also multiple step or half siblings and I never knew one person who wasted a second bemoaning their lack of a family name, I still don’t. I didn’t change my name AND I also have the same last name as my daughter, which pretty much makes me the craziest waist-length hair hippie in the world I guess, except I’m not. I didn’t see any good reason to change my name so I didn’t. We still got married and made a family that means everything to us.

I know at least three people who hated their last name because it tied them to a father they loathed. One of them legally changed her last name to her mom’s when she turned 18, the others I don’t know about. In each case, the whole family shared a last name that was an anathema to at least one person. So you can also have a ‘cohesive’ family in name only. It’s going to be an issue for some kids, not for others. Names can be big deals or little deals. My husband and I have different last names (he almost changed to mine but finally decided against it). We have two children, one with his last name and one with mine. If we have another then that child will also have my last name. We did this because I have a gorgeous and rare last name and his is a bit more common, plus he has more relatives on his side. Our kids actually have both of our last names, because each child has the last name of the other parent as a middle name, thus linking us all together in a really nice way. But that’s just the way we did it. I know about five families personally who have also done this – one child from one of the families wishes they all had the dad’s last name, one kid from another family prefers the mom’s last name and wishes the whole family had that one, the other kids don’t give a rat’s ass about it. I don’t think it matters unless you have an ultra-sensitive kid or there are other family issues going on that lead someone to feel left out. In that case, it’s probably going to take more than a simple name change.

i grew up with the last name of my estranged father- a name my mom also kept (and still goes by) despite him being long out of our lives. she kept it so her kids would all have the same name as her (never switched it to her maiden cause she didn’t want to disrupt life any more). i often thought of changing it but never did until i got married. the choice was easy for me.
i dislike hyphen names because i wonder if it will go on into infinity and most hyphen kids i knew just ended up getting called by whichever last name was first.

Marraige does not make a relationship stronger, better or more reliable. My son has his fathers name and guess what, we are all still together, a family! A nmae does not make a Mother a Mom! Love does that!

I had my son before getting married (we were 21 at the time) and I insisted my son take my name instead of his fathers. I knew I would be the one taking him to all of his doctors appointments, school etc. anytime his name would be given- I saw no reason why he should have his fathers instead of his mothers. We did end up getting married last year- and now are expecting another baby in April. My son and I still have my maiden name- and if we don’t change our names before this baby is born, she will also have my last name, not her fathers. He is not thrilled about it, which I can understand, but at the same time I’m the one doing 99.9 percent of the child raising. I feel they should have their mothers last name not fathers. I am considering hyphenating last name to my husbands- and if I do then I will change the children’s last name to their fathers- not deal with the hyphens.

I come from a culture where women do not give up their surnames in exchange for that of their husbands. My mum kept hers, my granma, all my aunts, my sisters, cousins and of course myself. When I married an American, his family expected me to give up my surname and take up theirs. Fortunately my husband did not. In my culture, your surname is part of your identity and who you are, it speaks of your lineage and where you come from. So giving it up feels like I am giving up an integral part of myself and I cannot do that. My name means that I am so and so, the daughter of so and so, who’s the son of so and so, and it goes on til the family name. Taking my husband’s name would be confusing since when reading it ppl would aloud assume I am my husband’s daughter! We followed the same tradition as that of my heritage. All our children will have my husband’s name as their middle name so that they will be so and so, son/daughter of [husband's name] from the [husband's family name] family. To do so, would otherwise be pretentious to us. In almost half of the world, women do not change their names upon marriage ( and no one, including the kids are confused + divorce rates are much much lower).

Of course I belong to my new blended family, but we’re in it as equals, 2 individuals who came from 2 completely different backgrounds and formed something so beautiful. I like that our names reflect that. Neither one of us had to forgo any part of ourselves to be part of our union.

On a side note, I read a journal paper once that explained the tradition of the wife taking on the husband’s last name as a tradition of the medieval times when women were considered chattel and as such a wife and her belongings/inheritance became the husband’s property. I’m not sure how factual their claim was though.

I’m with you, Maggie: two marriages, one kid from each. Both of my kids’ last names are from their fathers. So as a family of four we have three surnames among us. We travel a fair bit — both domestically and internationally. It has never, ever been a problem.

About the only time I ever yearn for one single family name its when I think about ordering, say, a monogrammed doormat or something. Otherwise, I’m very happy with the arrangement, and it seems like my kids are, too. My husband would never have expected me to take his name, nor did he want to change his. We do both answer to any of the surnames if need be, such as at the pediatrician’s office!

Also: after a while, no one really knows whether you took your husband’s name or not, other than in of family and school-related functions where you all appear together. Professionally, unless you adopt the married prefix,”Mrs.” very quickly people don’t have any idea whether that was always your name or not. So really the “change” part of it is sort of short lived.

I changed my name for a couple of reasons.

First, my identity was never particularly tied up in my last name. That is, I’m proud of my family–but changing my name didn’t change that.

Second, I’d heard from friends who kept their names that it was kind of a hassle once they had kids. Not in a “family unity” way, but in a “Man, it is annoying to always have to prove that I’m this child’s mother just because we have different names.” The short-term nuisance of a name changed seemed dwarfed by the long-term logistical annoyance of having to convince others of the connection.

But that’s my choice, and my reasons. I know people who didn’t change their names, and like it that way. So I think they made the right choice, too.

This is so personal. I kept my maiden name for a variety of reasons – it’s very unique and difficult for people to pronounce. Growing up it was hard at times to deal with such a crazy last name but I got through it and became very attached to the name. It just feels so ‘me’ and became part of my personal, professional, and academic self. It wasn’t a big deal – all of my sisters-in-law kept their maiden names (both my husband’s sisters and my brother’s wife) as well as my sisters. I would have considered hyphenation if my name wasn’t so long and unwieldy. We also live in a different country than my family so I feel as though using my maiden name every day links me to my heritage and family, in some way :) There have been a couple situations in which it was a tad annoying to have a different last name than my husband and daughter (like traveling internationally) but really only a minor annoyance. For me, sharing a name is not a key part of forming a family.

The author of this article is annoying and frankly, stereotypes often. Not all of us are Birkenstock wearing feminists. I’ve been in a relationship for 10 years, will never get married and would never dream of changing my name. It TRULY matters to me that I keep my name, it’s my Father’s and it represents my blood lineage. I’m put off by marriage licenses and name changing, the history of these things does matter to ME. It’s a 100% personal choice that should be judged by no one. I face that judgement for being “different”, yet I make no judgments against anyone else’s choices. As long as someone is happy, let them be. And as far as my Son’s well being, I think he will do dine with 2 loving parents in the home, so what if Mommy has Grandpa’s name. I’m sure he’s better off than a lot of kids in he world.

Thanks for all the thoughtful comments!

Well, the whole point is, every person is unique as an individual (so does the meaning of his/her last name name that doesnt relate to others)
A whole name (first+middle+last name) create meanings and the meanings create an identity
Putting family name in last name only make it easier for people to track the “family tree”

I have four children and I do not share a last name with any of them. They are their own unique beings, as am I. I did not change my name because my name was a very integral part of my identity and the thought of changing it caused me real distress. My kids, from 22-3, seem perfectly fine with the arrangement. My three year old is even conversant already with all the last names of her people–no trauma, no fuss. Of course, if we had put forth the notion (as is explicitly being done in this post) that there is no family “identity” without shared last name, and that not changing last names to a common one is fraught with peril both emotional and bureaucratic, maybe my children would have a problem with it. But we didn’t, so they don’t. It seems a bit disingenuous for the author to claim an all choices are equally valid stance at the end of a post which clearly expressed the superiority of changing to a common name. If the author was as overt in her bias when she interacted with her “Birkenstock-wearing” professors as she is in the post, it is little wonder she encountered some blow-back (if, in fact, she did given she only indicates hearing tsks and shudders in her own mind). A name does not by default make a family. Investment and got your back-ism do. And, in the end, my kids don’t call me by my last name–they call me “Mom.”