babble » blogs » Strollerderby
Strollerderby
Chivalry and the Costa Concordia Tragedy: Should We Expect It?
Is holding a door for a woman really offensive?
By now we’ve all heard about Captain Francesco Schettino who who abandoned his sinking ship in the Costa Concordia tragedy. (In stark contrast, the ship’s purser Manrico Giampedroni stayed aboard to ensure all crew and passengers were evacuated.) When the ship was going down, Schettino jumped off the boat and would not go back on even under intense orders to do so. He apparently wasn’t the only one who panicked because there are reports that men were pushing women and children out of the way to get to the safety boats.
Accounts of a few Australian passengers range from bad to worse: One woman says “I was standing by the lifeboats and men, big men, were banging into me and knocking the girls,” while another recounts, “There were big men, crew members, pushing their way past us to get into the lifeboats.”
Naturally panic mode can easily set in during life and death situations and it does not discriminate according to gender. Of course, it goes without saying that the crewmembers should have stayed behind to help with proper evacuation, and children and elderly should have gone first. I would also say that the moms should have gone with their children in order to keep them safe and calm. But what about the cases of young, single females vs. males? Should the men have gone last in the era of equal rights between the sexes?
This case is extreme but it stir up the age old question yet again: is chivalry dead (as Rich Lowry does in his piece in the NY Post)? Perhaps more than that, the question should be, do us women, us moms around the globe in 2012 expect it…and should we?
We all know those women who balk at men for holding doors to the point that some men are reluctant to do anything chivalrous and get called out for being sexist. However, there is a clear difference between being courteous and sexist. I find the adage that holding a door or walking a woman home is sexist, well, ridiculous. I think those small courteous (or chivalrous if must call them) acts of generosity are endearing and yes, I’m all for equal rights and opportunity between the sexes but is it really so bad when a man shows a thoughtful gesture toward a woman? I don’t think it is. Having equal rights does not obliterate manners or consideration. And I’m sure I just might get called out for being everything from right wing conservative to 1950s woman, neither of which I am.
It’s nothing less than infuriating to get trampled on a subway by a 6’2 business executive scrambling to get a seat (although I tend to think it’s more the individual man rather than the gender as a whole), yet I have also been offered a seat by a gentleman many times as well. I don’t think men should necessarily have to offer a seat to woman, unless that woman is holding a small child, pregnant, or elderly, but I do appreciate the gesture. Of course, I’ve encountered women who do the same self-centered subway push but more often than not, it’s the women who will give up a seat when they see someone in need.
Growing up in school, it was always the boys who carried the heavy books and climbed up ladders for the teachers. The girls were often allowed to go ahead of the boys’ lines, with a teacher saying “Ladies first.” Boys were taught in many small ways to be chivalrous but today it doesn’t happen as often. I have taught my son from a very early age to never disrespect a girl, let alone hit her. He knows that he can defend himself against a boy but never touch a girl.
I hope he does grow up to be a teen that curbs his language around girls, a man who holds the door for girlfriend and eventually his wife, and someone who gives up his seat to those less fortunate. While I don’t expect chivalry, I gotta admit I do like it when I see it in action.
Should women still expect chivalrous acts in 2012? Do you find it insulting when a man holds the door for you?
Image: Stockxchng
For the full details on the sinking of Costa Concordia as well as how to explain the tragedy to your kids, check out Carolyn Castiglia’s piece here.
Follow Danielle on Twitter and Facebook!
Don’t miss:
Breastfeeding At Any Cost: Weird Or Creative?
10 Things A Mother-in-Law Should NEVER Utter To A Daughter-in-Law
The Top 10 Rudest Parenting Questions
Go Back To Strollerderby
13 Comments
Suzie commented on Jan 18 12 at 10:27 amThis is where rabid feminism gets you. Pussy men.
Suzie commented on Jan 18 12 at 10:30 amIn all seriousness, though, what we saw with this boat is just a very boldly-stroked illustration of what goes on in most dealings in the world. Women and children get second-rate treatment in laws, policies controlling flow of wealth, etc. It’s just uglier when played out in a high-drama physical scene, but it’s the same mindset.
Richan commented on Jan 18 12 at 10:33 amThat’s why I picked my husband, he’d get into a fight with another man if he saw him push a woman :)
Manjari commented on Jan 18 12 at 10:55 amI think the whole idea behind “women and children first” is practical rather than sexist. Chances are that most (not all) men are stronger than most (not all) women, so maybe they have a better chance of being strong swimmers or otherwise saving themselves from disasters. I do think it’s a lot to expect a man to give up his life for a woman or child he’s never met before (maybe all he can think about is getting back alive to the children he has at home), but pushing or knocking down anyone smaller than you is kind of ugly. I don’t know. It’s complicated. I’m all for the door holding and stuff. I don’t think men should have to do those things, but I like men who do them anyway.
Suzie commented on Jan 18 12 at 11:06 amI agree with Manjari, especially “I do think it’s a lot to expect a man to give up his life for a woman or child he’s never met before (maybe all he can think about is getting back alive to the children he has at home), but pushing or knocking down anyone smaller than you is kind of ugly.”
Sarah commented on Jan 18 12 at 11:44 amI am a petite woman, and experienced my share of being shoved aside by men nearly twice my size. What I think is really instructive, though, is that those experiences were, by far, most common in Russia and Italy, two places where traditional gender roles are maintained much more aggressively than in the rest of Europe or North America. So much for chivalry.
bmmg39 commented on Jan 18 12 at 11:48 amAll of this talk about whether or not chivalry is sexist towards women, and yet you miss the blatant fact that chivalry is sexist towards MEN. You support women giving up their seats to elderly or handicapped people, but why have you not given up your seat to an able-bodied man? Why do women never tell men, “Gentlemen first”? Worst of all, why have you given carte blanche for any girl to strike your son, since he is not allowed to use self-defense should he be attacked?
This is what’s wrong with chivalry: it’s one-sided. Chivalry SHOULD die a death, preferably yesterday, and should be replaced with a little something called “common courtesy.” The bad news (for you) is that you’ll have to practice it, too. Oh, well.
mommacommaphd.wordpress.com commented on Jan 18 12 at 12:23 pmManners are manners no matter the gender.
I hold the door for whomever is walking behind me. If a dad or mom is holding a child on the subway, I offer my seat.
On that ship, NOBODY should have been pushing. If one person falls during an evacuation, it slows the egress of every single person. In that case I think a parent (mom or dad) should accompany small children. Perhaps even one parent per child. If a parent winds up in the water with 2 small children, how would he or she be able to keep those kids afloat?
I really don’t think it comes down to a gender issue. I am grateful for each person who shows me courtesy.
bmmg39 commented on Jan 18 12 at 12:36 pmI agree with every word that MommaComma just wrote. My opposition to gender-based chivalry does not mean I am arguing in favor of rudeness or selfishness. I am male and I’ve held the door for both women and men (and boys and girls), and both women and men (and boys and girls) have held doors for me. But it has nothing to do with what anatomy we happen to have beneath our pants. It’s just basic human decency.
michelle commented on Jan 18 12 at 1:34 pmI agree that basic courtesy is best for both genders. You should give up your seat for *anyone* who needs it — e.g. a man on crutches as well as a pregnant woman. You should help *anyone* who needs it. The old rules of chivalry are outdated because they are built around the assumption that women are second class citizens. The implicit social contract was: men would defer to women in surface interactions, in exchange for women deferring to men in all matters economic and political.
This means children should NEVER be pushed aside in a rescue situation. They always need help. They are dependent on adults and the measure of a society is how it treats children.
bunnytwenty commented on Jan 19 12 at 10:03 amYeah, what Michelle said. It’s a simple matter of protecting people who are vulnerable; in the days of chivalry, it was assumed that all women are vulnerable. In our more enlightened age (minus the silly-ass views of some folks here), it’s acknowledged that children are vulnerable, pregnant women are vulnerable, elderly people are vulnerable – but healthy young women, like healthy young men, can take care of ourselves, and should show common courtesy to those who are less strong than we are. Why is this a difficult concept?
sara commented on Jan 20 12 at 4:56 pmI am all for chivalry. I have 3 young boys who are already being taught the rules of being a gentleman. I expect them to open doors for women, always let women go first, and eventually I will teach them proper dating rules. I will not stand for them to mistreat women in anyway. And should they be present on a sinking ship I damn well expect them to let every woman, child, and elderly escape danger before they even think of themselves. I am neither old fashion or right winged but this isn’t about that. This is an issue of basic respect. I don’t tolerate them disrepecting anyone but they are taught to stand up for themselves when necessary. Being a young mom in NYC I always appreciated when a man would offer me assistance. I didn’t take them up on their offers unless it was necessary (I am extremely self-reliant) but I always appreciate the gesture.
Raymond Greene commented on Jan 30 12 at 6:17 pmIn life threatening emergencies such as the sinking of the Concordia.
It is not sexist that women and children should be served first in an emergency, neither is it a matter of chivalry, it is a matter of public decency and honor.
To even entertain the thought, that strong, able bodied males, should precede women and children in rescue during a life threatening emergency, is an evil, and disgraceful concept, and is well worthy of contempt. It should be naturally considered as contemptuous by ALL males, everywhere in the world.
To Hell with any law, or opinion, which places the welfare of strong able bodied males ahead of women and children in any emergency situation, and especially one like this.
Disagreement with the traditional women and children first, in marine rescue situations, makes you: If you are a man, a gutless, weak, no class bastard, or a brainless feminist. In either case your opinion matters about as much as your cowardly, worthless existence.
Captain De Falco should be honored, for ordering Schettinno to re-board the Concordia, not criticized. Captain Schettinno should be publicly flogged and executed for his negligence, dereliction of duty, and his disgraceful display of cowardice in deserting his post, while also ignoring the direct command of senior officer DeFalco…..
Raymond Greene..Vet. U.S. Army, and 16 RWAR Royal Australian Army.
Add your take:
Note: Babble is a supportive, diverse community. We encourage a range of opinions,
but any unduly hostile comments will be removed.
Comments are delayed up to 15 minutes
Lori Garcia 
Joslyn Gray 
Amber Doty 
Julianna Miner 
Monica Bielanko 
Sierra Black 
Meredith Carroll 
Carolyn Castiglia 
Sunny Chanel 
Madeline Holler 
Rebecca Odes 
Danielle Smith 
Danielle Sullivan 
Katherine Stone 
The Walt Disney Company supports Babble as a platform dedicated to honest, engaged, informed, intelligent and open conversation about parenting. However, the opinions expressed on this site are those of individual parents/writers and do not reflect the views of Disney. In addition, content provided on this site is for entertainment or informational purposes only and should not be construed as medical advice, diagnosis, treatment, or safety advice.
13