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Strollerderby
Most Parents are Miserable, And Would Do It All Again in a Heartbeat
In the wake of the I Don’t Know How She Does It release and press blitz, some have suggested that this whole thread is providing too much gory detail into the difficulties of parental (maternal) life. A couple of single ladies, specifically, admitted that the frank discussions surrounding the film were scaring the bejeezus out of them. Here they were, blissfully thinking that parenthood was going to be “fun”, and here they are, being bombarded by stories of compromises and inconveniences. How would they ever get it up for the idea of reproducing again?
Yes, parenthood is hard sometimes. But really, so are a lot of things that bring rewards. You don’t have to tell a parent about the rewarding part; a parent is living it. But the feelings of joy and fulfillment that come from raising a child are hard to describe or to express. Partially, perhaps, because people feel bad about expressing them, because everyone knows that non-parents don’t want to hear you get all googly eyed over your kid. People complain when parents complain, but they complain about parents kvelling, too.
It seems like non-parents mostly want parents to just shut up already.
On What I Should Be Doing Instead, Katy Read analyzes this phenomenon. “What parents feel, I think, is not reducible to simple concepts like “happy” or “fun.” Those words are vague enough themselves, let alone when you try to stretch them to cover an experience that, let’s face it, involves its share of heartbreak, worry and swearing.”
I’m a firm believer in the fact that complaining about the hard parts of should not negate the good parts. Parenting is a complex, messy business. There are struggles. But venting about the lows doesn’t mean we don’t feel the highs. And the cumulative effect, for most of us, is a sense of satisfaction with our choices. This may well be true for non-parents as well — there’s something to be said for coming to terms with the path you are on, rather than coveting a life you missed out on.
And this sentiment is echoed by a “vast majority” of the mainstream parenting population—if you can gauge that from the readership of Dear Abby.
I think part of the reason parenthood seems so hard is that we pretend it shouldn’t be. Acknowledging the difficulties should me a way for parents to find support, both personally and culturally. But even if it’s not, I don’t think parents should have to be their own marketing department. As far as I’m concerned, my evolutionary imperative does not extend to the species at large.
As Read puts it: “I say we lay out the realities for not-yet mothers as honestly as possible, then leave it up to them. Having children is an act of faith, its consequences unpredictable. If they have kids, most likely, they’ll be glad they did it, despite the challenges. If they don’t, most likely, they’ll be content also.
If young women like Carmon and Grose think the risk of dissatisfaction is too great, as far as I’m concerned they should feel free to skip the whole thing.”
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2 Comments
Anne commented on Oct 09 11 at 9:29 amI think we SHOULD talk more about how much fun being a parent is. I know it is hard. Especially in the US. (Due to the lack of longer maternity leaves. I don’t know how you working mothers of infants do it! I was no good to anybody until my son slept through the night consistently.)
No body talks about how much fun it is to watch a little human being learn new things every day. I know non-parents don’t want to hear it. But I can’t help feeling the discussion is one sided. There are lots of hard and challenging things that people do that are applauded every day. I’d say raising a child is a bit more important than climbing Mount Everest.
Mos of my friends without children pity me and their other friends with children. We can’t go out as much. They see parenting as a burden that keeps you from doing what you want. I can’t get them to understand that while I still like going to the movies and hanging out with them, after you become a parent, it doesn’t seem so very annoying when you miss Captain America in 3D. Things are just different after you have a child. it’s less important to do all those fun things you hear about.
Sure, sometimes I long for more personal time to do what I love to do for me. But when I didn’t have a child, I never seemed to have enough of that anyway.
My life is so much happier and more fun since I had my son. It’s just pain better with him here. And I’d say most parents feel that way. I don’t know why we feel we can complain that our child is a little hellion or never sleeps, but we can’t simply say what we enjoy about being parents.
Anne commented on Oct 09 11 at 9:59 amJust read the jezebel post! Those commenters are nuts. You’d think handling a baby or child was akin to handling radioactive waste from the way they were talking. Surely no one would have a second child if parenting was really as miserable as they claim.
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