I am blessed with one of the best mothers-in-law ever. She has welcomed me into her family, and treats me like a daughter. All told, I would rather have her in the delivery room with me and my husband -if my doula is unavailable- than my own mother (I’m due in a couple of months).

It *is* a two-way street. I treat her like a mom, she treats me like a daughter, and we have a good time.

Great advice!

I simply adore my MIL, other than the run of the mill annoyances that come with just about any person you meet and aren’t particular to the fact that she’s my MIL. My husband on the other hand doesn’t have it so lucky in the MIL department. :)

@Juliet, I had my MIL at the birth of my second baby, and she was awesome. I would never have even considered having my own mom there. Sad, but at least we lucked out on Mils.

I HATED my mother-in-law for 7 whole years. It was eating me up, eating her up and doing a lot of damage to my family. But this year, we had the most beautiful thing happen to our relationship… HEALING, FORGIVENESS and ACCEPTANCE. Today, I look at her and instead of anger and hatred, I feel love and joy. When I call her “Mama” I truly mean it. What i had once judged as negative, I now try to understand it from her perspective. My family is now stronger, healthier and more loving because of this change. What a world of difference. Thought I would share my experience with you: http://mamainthekitchen.com/2011/08/12/mamas-emotional-health-affectsthe-whole-family/

mil/dil relationships are so difficult! my mil isn’t the worst case scenario and in a lot of ways she’s “better” than my own mother (she has her life more together, she’s less intense of a person, she’s less obsessed with my pregnancy!) but she isn’t someone that i have the warmest of feelings towards either (for many reasons! and she doesn’t seem to be that interested in having a closeness with me.) the truth is i often think about my one exes mother. i wouldn’t want to have ended up with him, but he had the sweetest most welcoming mom- she was southern and she was an awesome cook and she was laid back. her house was messy, she loved animals and kids, she was an emergency room nurse full of crazy stories and she always had wine, beer, junk food and at the best of times…pecan pie. is it crazy that i dream of life with her as my mil?? does anyone else remember an exes mom this way?

Number 2 made me laugh. A lot of our problems stem from my mil being crazy, truly crazy, but she thinks she isn’t. She thinks people are following her, spying on her, sneak into her house when she’s gone (although she us currently living in her truck to “save money”). I’ve been told my entire marriage that nothing can be said and we can’t help her because she will disappear and we will never see her again. I know she thinks I am evil (I do try my best to give her opportunities with her grandkids that I feel are controlled and safe) and tells people negative things. She does seem “normal” if you dont really know her. Sure she raised my husband, but he has OVERCOME the way she raised him. I know there are some dils that really do have issues, but my own experience really makes it hard to sympathize with mils who think they have been wronged.

I never liked my MIL and she died about 2yrs before my husband and I got married. But I knew him since we were teens and I knew that type of mom and woman she was. In a nutshell, she was a bad mom, and a miserable and bitter person. Of course while we were dating, I tried to foster a good relationship w/her but to no avail. She was one of those control freak mothers who never wanted to let go of her son-ewww. With time, I learned to not take her attitude towards me so personal b/c she has acted that way w/every female who ever dated either one of her sons. Now, I try my best to remind myself of one thing. My husband is the man he is today not because of her, but in spite of her. He is wonderful, caring, responsible, hardworking, honest, and fair. He had to take on a lot of adult responsibilites while he was young b/c of both his parents. Had he had “normal”, nice, and responsible parents raising him, he might not be so awesome today. Now, of course I wished his childhood was better, but the difficulties he faced has made him a great person. If my MIL was still alive today, I would have no relationship w/her and neither would my husband. It’s a sad statement, but it’s the truth, sometimes the ones who “love” you the most hurt you the most and we are big believers of removing toxic relationships from our lives, be if blood related or not. I have great empathy for those who have to deal w/horrible ILs and I have great envy for those who have awesome ILs. I hope that someday, I can be the MIL that I wished I had, but most importantly, I would want my child to be happy w/the one they love. I will always be a parent, but once my child has a spouse, I will know my place.

My mother in law had expectations on who her son should marry. My husband comes from a painfully Italian family and living in NJ, my MIL loves the guidettes ( Jersey Housewives type). I am a no nonsense, independent woman and my MIL and FIL did not like that at all. My inlaws never made me feel welcome in their home and while dating their son, had no respect for our long distance relationship nor understood that we only saw each other 2-3 days a week and wanted to do things alone, as a couple. On occasion we would include them ( with dysfunction) since they fight constantly. It wasn’t until we had 2 kids did my MIL come down a few notches and finally excepted the fact that I was not going anywhere. The fact that my MIL and I have nothing in common, from TV shows all the way to the shoes and clothes does not help matters. We just dont click. I pretend we do to keep peace, but we are like water and oil. Its ok, She hasn’t won.

My mother-in-law is very outspoken.I`ve been married to her son almost 30 years so,I know where my husband gets some of his ways! LOL!

Using your children as a weapon against one another is wrong no matter what. You are teaching nothing but hatred when you do that and poisoning minds. My son and DIL have done that for 15 years now and it is sicking. I had a great mother in law the first time and a not so great one the second, but you have to show some amount of respect no matte what anyone does: MIL or DIL. That is the problem, everyone wants their own way and no one wants to be the peace maker. Using children as weapons, hitting each other with unkind words you may have to eat later and hurting one another to get your own way does nothing but make ruts you must fill in later that may sink in years to come to be sink holes. Talk things out civilly. Remember kindness is a tool as well. Compromise. Learn tools that help, not hurt. Stop using your children as weapons to hurt and teach them to love not hate. Who knows, you may be raising someone who can make a real difference in the world later on.

My father’s mother was a raving bitch who convinced my dad to stay with her after her husband died. My mom spent 30 years in another woman’s home before she got her own. This was an abusive, aggressive, physically and verbally brutal woman. In the end, she was very lonely because my Dad was the only family member who went near her. I certainly did not let my children around her alone. All in all, I had it easy with my own MIL and appreciated her for what she wasn’t.

After trying for twenty years to please my mil I decided enough was enough. She is a very spiteful person. No one is good enough. She spends her time thinking of things to nag her kids about. It’s sad that she has nothing to do with any of her grandkids and thats her doing. They are all now adults and don’t want to be around her as she is so nasty to everyone. I no longer go with my husband to visit nor do I invite her to my home. I will never stop my husband from having contact with her. When she calls, he answers the phone and we don’t discuss what she says as it will just cause more stress and grief. Many holidays and special occasions were ruined by her nasty comments. She now complains about how no one will come visit, she brought that on herself.

To Whatevs: Are you my daughter in law?! :)

@Andrea You sound like a truly awful DIL, and you are going to be a horrid MIL, I can already tell. You’re going to be the one telling your DIL, “you should never feed your kids frozen pizza! I never fed my child frozen pizza!” and criticizing every aspect of her parenting. To detest someone over their cooking skills is so shallow. Grow up.

I have 8 children- so potentiallly I am a MLaw 8 times. I try so hard to be the kind of ML I’d want; for each child and situation. It’s hard and I get sad…miss out on some things see some kids mine and their mates suffer when I could help. I love them all…I pray and listen a lot. I do find happiness but its not always the way I thought it would be….every roll in life is unique being the daughter,sister,wife and mom then mother law I hope to be just a great assest and companion when I can be….mom

enjoy reading the comments above and have a different situation that is difficult in its own way. My first born son (I have 3) was dating a lovely girl for 3 years, he brought her to my 2nd wedding, (his dad and I had been divorced for 20 years and are freinds), we got to know her at bit at the wedding. We live several states away from each other. He brought her out to our home to celebrate my 50th and we got to know her even better, all of us friends included fell in love with her. She is fun, kind, sweet, smart, respectful and treated my son like a king. She was 25, he was 28 at the time. They talked about getting married, having kids, (she has a 9 year old son from a HS romance, who was her only other boyfriend) and they talked about moving to our state. Everyone was so excited as all of our friends have loved and supported all of my kids over the last 15 years anyway a few months later they called with the exciting news that they were going to have a baby! Everyone was excited, first GC and they found out they were having a girl! Wow after 3 sons a GIRL was going to be our family, pink pink pink!! This lovely young woman asked me to be in the delivery room with her mom, her BFF and my son. What an honor for me. I flew out for the baby shower, all was well, everyone was delighted and excited about this shared blessing to be. My mom who was 78 at the time had saved her own rocking chair from her childhood to give to her great grandauhter. Sweet and special days for everyone. A few weeks later on Mothers Day the mommy to be called me and we talked about how she was upset that my son was acting odd and did not even do anything special for the day. She had been feeling his distance for a few weeks and when she asked him what was going he just said he was nervous which is to be expected of course for any new parent to be. I just listened to her sadness. A month later baby girl was to be born, I flew out the day before and went with them to her final doc appt. the doc decided to induce the next day. We were all beyond excited!! It was a long day for the parents to be. Friends and family were there. My mom, her parents, my sons dad, my BFF, her BFF all waiting and talking in the waiting room. Her mom, her BFF my son and I were all in the delivery room when this little angel was born. My heart was so proud of both the kids, the birth was beautiful and the mommy to be did a spectacular job. When I held that precious baby girl my heart just filled as full as it could be. I cried when my son held that little girl, he so big and strong, she so tiny and delicate. After the other loved ones came in and oohed and awed over this new bundle of joy my son and I went to the gift shop, he said what should I get? I said how about pink flowers, he said no I will get those later, seemed odd to me but oh well, he bought a pink teddy bear. He never did buy her flowers.

Fast forward to 15 days later, my son left this beautiful lady and the family they had created because he had met a girl unbeknown to anyone, right after the baby shower. This other girl had known my son and his GF were having a baby, had even met the two of them a few months before the birth at a mutual friends party. I was stunned as was everyone else not the least the new mommy, his GF of 3 years.
I had many conversatons with my son, trying to listen and not judge as he told me he did not love the mother of his child the way he should to spend the rest of his life with her. None of us knew yet about the new GF. He cried, I cried everyone cried it was awful. Do I encourage him to stay even when he was clear he did not love her? It was so incredibly painful to hear the new mommy who I had grown to love, admire and respect like my own daughter talk about the situation and cry and wonder what went wrong. I listened to both parents cry and ask themselves question after question. He went back for a few days but was distant with mommy but loving to the baby, he would leave and not come back for hours, not return her calls, never tell her where he was going. She finally confronted him and asked him if there was someone else after many words and tears he admitted yes he was seeing another girl and he moved out again this time for good. When I found out my heart went cold, how could MY son do this kind of thing, what the hell was he thinking, what about all the plans they had made, all the promises he made to this family he helped create?? I was hurt, mad, dissapointed, embarressed, all of the emotions a parent feels when your child does something you could never imagined them doing. Over the next few months, my son would come visit the baby several times a week and spend the rest of his time working and having fun with his new GF. This brand new mommy left alone with a new baby all day and night along with her son who thought he had a great friend in my son. My son never looked back I flew out to see the baby when she was 3 months old by this time my son and his new GF were living together, he wanted me to meet this new GF the love of his life he said. I said no I am sorry son but it is just too soon for me. After spending time with the mommy of my grand child it was clear she was on the edge, she had given up her job because my son wanted her to stay home with the kids. She had no money, a new baby and a 7 year old son who was wondering what the heck happened to his family. She was a fragile yet strong flower in this garden of life. Determined to be a great mom inspite of my son but she was in need of a break for sure. We invited her and the baby to come out to our home for a few weeks to reagin her footing and hopfully heal her broken heart. Her parents were in favor of it, they were more then happy to have their grandson for a few weeks and knew how much thier daughter needed some space away from the situation. I told my son she and the baby were visiting us for a few weeks, he was okay with it but come to find out the new GF was not. Mommy and baby came out and we all had a wonderful time, lots of talks, tears, support and laughter. She went home a stonger woman, determined to make it on her own with her kids. While still in serious pain she managed to get a great job, move out of the apt they had moved into together as a family, enrolled baby in daycare and was determined to be a good mom, which she is. My son continued financial support like he had from the beginning and came to see the baby when he could. The parents of this little angel were making the best of an awful situation, mommy was always gracious and my son was learning how to be a dad. Things were going okay till the GF started making waves about how much time my son was spending at his ex’s house. She then got mean and demanded my son stop talking so much to his ex along with other demands, told lies, contacted the new mommy and told her how long it had been going on, about how my son never loved her, did not find her attractive along with many other hurtful things and lies, all hell broke loose. It was awful for everyone, words were spat, lies were told, hurts were made worse. Now the parents were hardley speaking and the line had been drawn, my son has chosen his new GF and did whatever she said. A few months later I went out there and he desperatly wanted me to meet his new GF. The baby was 9 months old and I said I would. I was nice as I could be, I tried my hardest to not judge her and to remember my son loved her and was doing what made him happy. He was taking the baby twice a week and every other weekend, paid child support on time, loved his daughter but still in my heart I was dissapointed in his choices. That weekend was awful, the GF and my son did not want me spending the night at his ex’s to babysit nor did they want me to go shopping with his ex and the baby ect ect ect… My son and I fought over my being as close as I was to the babies mother. His GF was not like anyone my son had ever dated before. Over the days I was there I saw a side to her that was mean, selfish and hurtful. She said she did nothing wrong and it was not a big deal what happened and everyone including his ex should just get over it, he loves me and thats what counts. My son and I had never fought before till this girl came into his life. When I came back home, he called me and said its either me or her (the babies mom). He told me I could not be friends on Facebook with his ex and that if I had to be then I would have to have both his ex and his new GF on my page. “You can not be in her life like you are, it makes my GF upset and I need you to stop being close to her”. This went on for a few months, me trying to explain to all that I can be in everyones life and there was no need for me to choose. Fast forward to today my beautiful granddaughter is 18 months old, happy, loving, smart and loved however my son is no longer talking to me. He did not call me on Mothers Day or my birthday My 80 year old mother adores her great granddaughter as we all do and we all enjoyed celebrating her 80th together. My mother does not feel the need to meet my sons GF so my son did not attend his Nana’s 80th celebration. My son is my son and I will always love him and alway be here should he need me but I won’t be bullied by he or his GF any longer. Thank you for letting me say my piece.

Sincerely, Laurie, Grandma to one, MIL to none.

My in-laws are amazing, especially MIL/FIL. They didn’t have a very good relationship with my husband when we met, but that has all changed. My husband was very adament about not getting married or having children when we met, we just happened to get pregnant after being together for about 6 months. My son is what really brought us all together, my husband loves to spend time with family now and my in-laws adore all of us. I almost died after my son was born and my MIL and mother were in the ICU with me the entire time until they got me stabilized, that is something special.

I was most touched by Laurie’s story… Some were eye-openers for DIL like me… Like most DIL, I also have some issues with my MIL… I just don’t understand why I feel hating her at times… But now, I realized our differences and maybe our constant battle for comparison…

I lived with my in-laws and it is really excruciating living with someone who doesn’t love you the way your parents do and deal with their differences… I just wanted to be the one in-charge of my home but the I am still in another queen-bee territory… We’ll I guess I have to make way… I’ll try to be nicer to her from now on… Besides, we will be moving out sooner or later… I’ll just leave at least a good relationship in the end…

My advice to those who are going to be a DIL soon…

If you want to maintain a good relationship with your in-laws…
…DON’T LIVE WITH THEM.

Re: #2 — My MIL hates me for something I never did. She hasn’t spoken to me in more than a year. When I’ve seen her at family events she has glared at me and walked away, until we eventually stopped going to family stuff. She’s lied and spread gossip about me — all the things things she said are completely untrue, and in some cases mean things that *she* did to her own children! We’ve tried to talk to her to work things out, but she continues to blame me for things I’ve never done and she refuses to take responsibility for her choices.

The worst though is that my husband is fairly certain that her “companion” is a pedophile. I was uncertain until a recent incident with our niece, and now I’m starting to agree with him.

So, since she refuses to be civil to me, combined with the fact that my husband doesn’t want our children around the boyfriend, her time with her grandchildren is limited. She’s not welcome in our home because she glares at me and refuses to speak to me and I will not be treated like that in my own home. My husband doesn’t want to be in her home because of the pedophile boyfriend.

So she sees her grand-kids occasionally at parks. Now that they’re older, she has to do this around their extracurricular activities. She can’t go to the activities, since I’m the one who does all the driving and coordinating. Since she won’t speak to me, that’s not an option for her.

Maybe the MILs need to think about *why* the children are “restricting contact.” With different choices, she could see her grandkids more regularly.

As to #5, I’ve never said a bad word about my MIL to my kids. I’ve even helped my husband coordinate visits and I’ve helped my kids write notes and birthday cards to them. She is their grandmother after all. She’s said plenty of bad things about me though, and treated me poorly in front of them.

I love my MIL. When my husband and I got married he was in the midst of a 10year falling out with his family. They hadn’t spoken for that long. My family is close so I couldn’t understand it. So…every year while we dated I asked him to send a Christmas card — which he did. No response.

Long story short. We married and I have a daughter from a previous marriage. She has autism spectrum disorder. Lots of people would think of her as “odd “. The 10-year misunderstanding with my husband and his family is done (it was the divorce blame game) . My husband’s family has embraced us both and they love our daughter (yes he claims her as his — no “stepdad ” is uttered in this house) and me so much.

I couldn’t be happier.