If they were in different classes then it makes total sense that they both weren’t invited, only one of them was friends with the birthday child. Mom was being a brat.

I’m put off by the fact that the mom refered to no tbeing invited to the birthday party of someone you aren’t friends with as having to “suffer that kind of heartbreak.” In other countries, children are dying of malaria. Try having a sense of proportion. When I’m throwing a party in my home, siblings are welcome as long as their parents stay to supervise them. If I’m having a party out somewhere where I have to pay per head, then they aren’t. I have had to say no to this request more than once. At my daughter’s 14th birthday party, another mom asked if she could leave her 6 year old with me. This was at a party at the skating rink with teenagers @ $12/head. So basically I was being asked to baby-sit a six year old, for free, and pay for pizza & skating for him at a time way past his bedtime (the party was over at 11pm) during a time when I was responsible for watching out for a dozen teens. Yay, no thanks.

The rules of twins—they are two different people. Treat accordingly. My twins have been in separate classes since first grade, and so, yeah, this has come up. Usually if the birthday child is good friends with my son (rather than just inviting the whole class) the parent handling the party will know about the twin and extend another invitation (though sometimes a little late, asking when I get there “Oh, where’s ______?”). When that doesn’t happen, eh, so what? Not getting to go to a birthday party aint heartache.

I wonder if the mom who was bent out of shape would have been OK bringing 2 gifts, if her other twin was invited?

In our school, the twins seem to be in different classes most of the time. From what I understand, the parents request it. I would not invite the other twin if they were in a different class, unless my child was friends with both of them.

My twins are in the same class, and have so far been invited to the same parties. I imagine that will change when they are older and their classmates start having single sex celebrations. I think with really young twins, it’s nice to invite both twins if parents are expected to stay (otherwise who would be with the uninvited twin?). For a drop off party, it makes sense that only the people in that class be invited. I am not looking forward to the first time one of my twins gets invited to a party and the other one feels left out, but that’s my problem and not the responsibility of the person throwing the party.

I’m a twin (25) and prior to about age seven, we were always invited to the same parties, but once we were in different classes and making different friends (and becoming our own selves), if my sister got invited to a party that I wasn’t, there was a brief “I want to go too!” moment but I quickly got over it because it usually made sense as to why I wasn’t invited. My parents were always fine with it (one less present to buy!)

I have 4 year old fraternal twin boys. If they know both twins then it is rude to just invite one of them. When I know all the kids in a family I invite all the kids in the family to the party. If I just know one kid like from school, then we just invite that kid. However, in multiples I would invite both even if we don’t know the other one just because there is that dynamic with multiples. They are super close and it makes it hard on the parents of the multiples. So far both of my boys have always been invited together but they are in separate classes this year and I am sure this is going to happen this year.

I am not looking forward to it. For one thing it is VERY hard on me to try to get one kid to a party and then find something to do with the other kid. Especially since my kids are not old enough to be dropped off. So I have to make my husband watch the uninvited twin while I take the other twin to the party. My husband will do it but he will complain too. He likes his alone time when I take them both to parties and he gets some time to himself. Now that won’t happen if only one is invited. My husband will probably also have to take the uninvited twin to something special since the other twin is doing something special.

At five years of age, I think it’s perfectly understandable that one of the little girls might have had hurt feelings, and in that case, the mom should have quietly and politely asked if it was okay for the uninvited twin to come along (and bring two presents or one really awesome one!).
It seems like the twin mom is the problem here.

I wanted to add that we bring VERY nice presents to birthday parties. I spend about $15 per kid and since we attend a lot of multiples birthday parties that can add up to over $45 per birthday party if there are triplets! Usually its twins so its $30. I do combo gifts like one nice Playdoh set they can share and then a book for each kid or a smaller toy for each kid. I do giant playsets or something they are very much into like dinosaurs or princesses so I get a book and toy in that theme. Usually high end brand name toys too.

The point I am making with this is if you invite both my kids to a party, I am not shortchanging you on gifts. Not that kids OR parents should be super focused on how many and how nice the presents are. If just one of my twins gets invited I will still probably spend $15 dollars for a present but I would not feel as bad about going with a less expensive gift either since only one of my kids were invited.

Sometimes there are party conflicts where we get invited to multiple parties at the same time. If it came to that I would pick the party where BOTH of my kids could attend rather than the one where only one was invited. So if you think your child really wants one of my sons at the party, you would be wise to go ahead and invite both of them. Of course if I already RSVPed I would not back out either. But I might hold off on RSVPing a bit to see if there is another party where both of mine could come.

The other thing to take into account is rest assured YOUR child WILL be invited to my son’s birthday blowouts. We invite around 40 kids. Both of their entire class along with every other kid they know. So it would be nice if you invited both of mine to your party too.

Linda: Or maybe he works at home and never gets away from the kids being in the house so it is not too much to ask that he have the house quiet for a few hours every once in awhile? Just like I am not slacking as a mother to ask him to watch the kids so I can shop alone for once every once in a while either. We look out for each other and try to arrange alone kid free time for each other and parties was one of the times I did this for him.

And what about single parents? How do they get multiples to a non drop off party if only one is invited? Or a parent that works weekends or evenings? The point is that there may not always be another parent available to watch the other multiple while the parent takes the other one to the party.

Hmmm… I have to say that as the parent of 5 year old fraternal girls I have yet to experience this, thanks for the heads up that I need to prepare my girls for this eventuality.

I’m glad you made the following comment :-

“I thought the pendulum had swung from matching outfits and rhyming names to hyper-focusing on the individuality of everyone, including those who lived together in a womb and even those who are difficult to tell apart. I thought twins and their parents wanted opportunities for their multiples to develop separately a bit, as well as together. Hence, the different classes!”

I have to admit this current trend has been making me a little cranky… because I had hoped the trend was to letting the parents decide what was best and not to the general assumption that all twins should be split up. So I am going to vent a little here and address this so I can get it off my chest in the hopes that some will see a wider view.

Twins are twins. They are not “closely aged siblings” , it IS different. However there are different twin situations. For the past 5 years my daughters have spent 99.9% of their day together. They are fraternal girls. They are not identical and they are the same sex. This means that they have more in common than not but there is no great issue as to treating them as a unit instead of individuals or confusing others as to which is which. Neither has learning, physical or severe emotional handicaps necessitating differing resources. I do not consider a typically strong emotional bond to a twin sibling to be an emotional handicap that needs to be fixed. Their relationship is not hampering their ability to learn or to navigate relationships. Like everything in their world they are constantly learning how to negotiate their needs with each other. Kindergarten can be a big adjustment in making that break from the comfort of home/preschool and meeting the demands of school days. Why would I add to that challenge, an abrupt separation from her twin. To what end?

Don’t get me wrong, I do agree that they will benefit from being in separate classes at some point. Perhaps (most likely) next year. For me kindegarten is NOT that point. I want them to enjoy a shared history for a little longer and be able to support each other, not just now but well into their adulthood. Their twin status is an accident of birth (conception really) and they are blessed in this way. Let them enjoy it.

So as to the party issue… if you stick your kids in separate classes how are people to know that a twin sibling even exists? If the birthday child is a close friend then the parent hosting the event will know and having regard to the age of the kids really ought to extend an invite to the sibling in this age group. If the birthday child is simply inviting the entire class the twin parent ought not be surprised… that is one of the consequences of putting their twins in separate classes, so yes, suck it up and deal with it but don’t make out that the birthday parent did something wrong.
Andrea- we are talking about 5 year olds not 8 year olds.

April, I get what you are saying and mostly agree with you, but I too am a little dumbfounded that your husband complains that he has to look after his own son! I do understand the need for some quiet time but I think the priorities change when you have kids. My husband works long hours and travels overseas for work so there are times when I am sole caregiver (and for the first 3 years I didn’t drive). We still negotiate our weekdays and weekends to share the parental responsibilities as much as possible, we have an older child as well, and “party duty” is taken in turns, individual adult quiet time will come back into your life but not for 2/3 years. I really think you got the short end of that straw. Your sons are only 4 and you mention one has special needs, so perhaps as they get older time with his sons won’t be such a chore to your husband.

So, what are my expectations? I expect parents of 5 year olds to be a little more sensitive to the age group. I would be surprised if only 1 of my twins were invited to a party this year and would be a little upset because my girls are in the same class. It would definitely cause hurt feelings. I tend to spend up to $40 and get one good quality gift or gift plus nice book from the twins- (yes overcompensating for parents of the singletons who bring two gifts for my kids) . I plan to invite all of their classmates to their birthday party. I don’t think all 5 year olds are ready for drop off parties anyway.

Good Lord people! Way to overanalyze my marriage. Let’s see my husband watches my kids all the time for me and helps me out any time he is not actually working. It is in MY best interest to save my times for making him watch the kids solo for when it is to MY benefit. So instead of me having to attend a party with one kid while he watches the other kid, I would rather him watch both kids so I can go shopping alone or to a mother’s night out or to go get a pedicure. So if anyone is being lazy its me.

Nutterbutter, I agree that the twin bond is not something that needs to be “fixed.”
The assumption that twins should be automatically separated in school has bothered me too. I’m glad that there is a law here in PA letting parents decide if their particular set of twins should be in the same class or separated.

Linda: I bet if I log in the number of hours my husband cares for the kids it will be higher than most other Dads we know. The point is I don’t work and part of my “job” is childcare. He works an actual job so childcare is something he does on the side and on top of a full time job. For me, childcare and housework is all I do. I have no problem taking the lead on that since I don’t contribute any income. Childcare is my job.

Thank you for asking! Please, please, please continue to treat twins as individuals. If a child is friendly with only one twin, please don’t feel compelled to invite the other over. Twins need to learn (with the help of their understanding and patient parents) that each will have his/her own separate friends, and sometimes one will get invited and the other will not. It’s just a part of life, part of growing up. We are not doing our twins any service by always leveling the playing field for them.

Nutterbutter, I couldn’t have said it any better!:
“Twins are twins. They are not “closely aged siblings” , it IS different. However there are different twin situations. For the past 5 years my daughters have spent 99.9% of their day together. They are fraternal girls. They are not identical and they are the same sex. This means that they have more in common than not but there is no great issue as to treating them as a unit instead of individuals or confusing others as to which is which. Neither has learning, physical or severe emotional handicaps necessitating differing resources. I do not consider a typically strong emotional bond to a twin sibling to be an emotional handicap that needs to be fixed. Their relationship is not hampering their ability to learn or to navigate relationships. Like everything in their world they are constantly learning how to negotiate their needs with each other. Kindergarten can be a big adjustment in making that break from the comfort of home/preschool and meeting the demands of school days. Why would I add to that challenge, an abrupt separation from her twin. To what end?
Don’t get me wrong, I do agree that they will benefit from being in separate classes at some point. Perhaps (most likely) next year. For me kindegarten is NOT that point. I want them to enjoy a shared history for a little longer and be able to support each other, not just now but well into their adulthood. Their twin status is an accident of birth (conception really) and they are blessed in this way. Let them enjoy it.”

I am the mother of 8 year old frat girls. I honestly think, unless you are a twin, you can’t truly understand their relationship!
My girls were together, in school, for K and Gr. 1, seperate for Gr. 2 and are back together for Gr. 3 (due to there only being one Gr. 3 class).

We have faced the seperate invite issue several times. In K and 1, it was really hard, especially if one was invited to a couple of parties before the other was invited to any. (We also had a couple of times that the mom was upset when she realized there was a twin she didn’t know o invite.) Now that they are 8, it is not really an issue. So, really I think a lot depends on the twins’ age and whether or not they are both friends with the child, and ultimately if it’s that big of an issue for the family, the parents can choose not to send the invited child.