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Is Yelling at Your Kids Okay? One Expert Says Some Yelling is Good for Kids
Do you yell at your kids?
Do you yell at your kids? And then do you often feel guilty for raising your voice and giving your kids a piece of your mind?
I admit, I yell at my kids more often than I would like to, but I know I’m not alone. Sometimes the situation requires a louder and more stern tone.
For instance, having to repeat myself numerous times to get my point across is maddening. That may warrant a little yelling. Right?
Turns out that yelling isn’t entirely a bad thing, according to psychologist George Holden, who recently conducted a study about how parents discipline their children.
Holden shares, “Even I’ll admit to yelling at my kids when they were a lot younger. And I’m a pretty laid-back, calm guy. It’s certainly challenging to be a parent. No question.”
In Holden’s study, 36 moms and one dad agreed to make audio recordings, as Holden explains, “The study was billed as looking at normal parent-child interaction in the home.”
Holden believes that “A bit of yelling is good for kids,” adding, “If you’re angry at the child, it’s sometimes okay to express that emotion so the child can learn to cope with negative emotion in other people.”
Of course, there are various levels of yelling and he agrees that humiliating and putting down kids is not cool.
Are you a yeller? If so, what circumstances elevate your volume? Do you find yourself yelling out of habit? Do your kids respond when you yell or is it wasted energy?
I think most parents can lose their cool from time to time, but not all resort to yelling to get their point across. Share your most helpful parenting techniques below!
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7 Comments
[...] Expert: Yelling Not All Bad [...]
Five-Bite Friday: Road Trip Edition commented on Jul 28 11 at 8:02 pmAndrea commented on Jul 25 11 at 12:00 amI think it depends on what you yell. I heard a mom yell “why are you so stupid?” at her son at the park, and I have to admit, it chilled me. I tend to yell things like “clean it up”, and “don”t flush that” – never insults hurled in anger. I’m not really a yeller – so when I do raise my voice, my children listen! I suppose it’s only effective because it’s rare for me to yell.
Jenna commented on Jul 25 11 at 12:13 amI agree. Kids are way tougher than they get credit for, I think and I don’t think a little yelling is going to do them any harm (unless it’s verbally abusive, calling them stupid, etc like pp mentioned). I think people take the self esteem thing a little too far, and letting kids think the world is made up of rainbows and fairy sunshine dust. My cousin told me at her children’s school they no longer give out first, second, and third place ribbons at field day and now every kid gets one. I thought it was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard of. No wonder kids these days are so entitled! It makes me sad, and kind of insulting to the child, like they are too delicate to handle getting yelled at or coming in second place. Another crazy thing I’ve heard is now some parents think “time out” shouldn’t be used as it “humiliates” the child. I think that’s bull. When I was younger my mother used to tell me (and yes, she yelled) “You’re acting like a brat!” when I was acting up (not that I was a brat, but that I was acting like one, key difference. And you know what? I did feel embarrassed, maybe even humiliated, but I think it was HEALTHY for me to feel that, because it made me ashamed of my behavior and realized how horrid i must have looked throwing a tantrum in the grocery store or wherever. So yes, I think parents should yell at their children when it’s appropriate, and no, they shouldn’t feel bad about it.
Brandi commented on Jul 25 11 at 1:09 amParents lose their cool & yell at their kids, it happens, but I don’t feel it’s an effective tool for disapline or communication. To clarify, i feel yelling & raising your voice are two different things. Raising your voice is very controlled & calm just a bit louder & with a stronger tone. Yelling is uncontrolled & much much louder than normal. As adults, how do we react when someone yells at us? Typically, we become defensive, try to justify our actions, & become mad. Children react the same, yet at the end they feel shamed/upset because their parents who love them made them feel this way.
Ideally, yelling should be reserved for moments of danger. That way your child is stunned into non-action just by your yelling. i.e. they’re about to run into the street or stick something into a light socket.
Linda, t.o.o. commented on Jul 25 11 at 2:33 amI think what you say matters more than the volume. Name calling (including calling a child a *brat*) isn’t healthy. I don’t yell very often, so when I do, the silence and change of focus is pretty immediate. I still feel bad and I still apologize, the same as I would do if I lost my temper with my husband or a friend.
La Rêveuse commented on Jul 25 11 at 10:31 amKids need to know that what they do is important. And yes, important enough to yell at them if they really blow it. My kids know that when I yell, I am either scared (for their safety) or angry (when they did something really, really wrong) or frustrated (when they purposely disobeyed after being told repeatedly.) I would prefer that they learn how to express these emotions, because they will have them. Better to yell a bit than to take it out in violence. We’ve had this discussion because of other children who’ve visited who hit my child (hard enough to leave a mark) because “she wouldn’t share”. My kids know that the rule in our house is “no hitting–you can jump up and down and even yell a bit if you are frustrated or angry, but you may not strike out at anyone or anything else.” If we don’t teach them to release those emotions, I think we are doing more damage than good. We teach by how we behave, every day.
Jenna commented on Jul 25 11 at 9:43 pmThe only times I’ve had to yell thus far has been for very in the moment things when what I was saying needed to be communicated ASAP, “Don’t run in the street!” “Lipstick is not for walls!” “Pets do not belong in the toilet!” That having been said my kids are still fairly young, there may be more yelling as they get older… who knows. As a result of it being so infrequent when I do yell everyone stops and listens, serving it’s purpose.
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