Some of my best memories as a child were doing things with my parents that felt Freeing.
Thank you so much for articulating what I have been feeling for some time.
GREAT article.
Thank you.

I used to ride in my dad’s jeep – the old-style kind, the one with the open top and without seatbelts that had a habit of turning over if you went around corners too fast. We took it into the woods to go swimming in the creek. It was great fun, but my dad also made sure that he never went too fast around corners, or indeed too fast at all. He also taught me to drive a tractor at the age of 3, sitting on his lap. But my dad, like your dad, was not reckless with his behavior and that is the difference, I think. The idea is a calculated risk, not no risk at all, but not ridiculous risk. A ridiculous risk would have been having your small child ride in the back of the truck on the highway at unsafe speeds and without adult supervision, which is what I saw about 10 years ago. A truck with a bunch of young kids in the back passed me, going above the 45 mph speed limit as I was driving and I said to myself, “this isn’t good.” It wasn’t – 20 minutes later, I came upon them with a cop car, the father screaming as he held his small child who had obviously fallen out of the back of the truck. That was a tragedy that could have been avoided, and without eliminating the ride altogether! I think the point is realizing that taking a risk or letting your child take one does not necessarily equal irresponsible parenting – although it can, like the example above. Understanding the parameters of risk and navigating the waters with a little forethought or preparation is still a good thing.

I don`t know about where you live, but where I do, (Canada) wearing a seatbelt, and having a child in a carseat, is the law. I think you should set an example for your child by keeping the law.

I was JUST mentally putting together a Blogpost on this after seeing a couple kids in the back of a pickup truck today. I think my conclusion is that I probably WON’T let my kids ride, I hope they find an opportunity behind my back sometime. :-)

There is a similar post to this one over at doublex today. I let my nearly-three-year-old play in the fenced-in back yard by himself. I do check on him and listen for trouble, but his grandmother hates it!

Those are the experiences she will keep with her the rest of her life…

I’ll bite. I’m on the free range end of the continuum. My kids walk or ride their bikes around our neighborhood to visit friends, go to the grocery store, play at the local park, & pick up their own library items. I’ll let them walk or bike to school once the youngest is slightly older as I think 1.5 miles is a little long for a 6 year old and I worry about traffic. I use my brain and knowledge of statistics to tell me that it’s infintiely unlikely that my child will be abducted walking down the street. On the other hand, I’ve worked as a casualty insurance adjuster and auto vehicle accidents happen every. single, second. Would you like to know what happens to your child when another driver runs a red light (another thing that happens every. single. second.) and hits the pick up truck with your child unrestrained in the bed? Your child is thrown from the back up of said pick up truck at a high rate of speed and her skull breaks open like a watermelon, spilling her brain on the road and causing instant death. This is something that, rather than happening so statistically rarely that it’s an anomoly, happens every. single. day. Your choice was ubelieveably stupid, not to mention illegal, and to equate it with other things that have a statistically low risk of ending in sudden, traumatic death is either delusional thinking or intellectual dishonesty. You pick. You people giving her kudos for this are disgusting.

“I know a million of you will judge me a bad mom for allowing my daughter to be in an unsafe position.” I’ll go a step further, I don’t think Babble should continue to give you a pulpit.

I used to ride unrestrained in a pickup bed as a kid, and nothing ever happened to me, but I don’t think I’ll ever let my kids do it. I just don’t get the “why” of that decision; it doesn’t seem worth the very real risk. The other things you mentioned—climbing trees, walking home from school, doing whatever it is that might include icy rivers—have real benefits beyond a thrill. They are things that a kid actually *does* and learns from and gets a real confidence boost from when he/she does them well, while riding in a truck bed is just…surrendering, I guess, putting yourself at the mercy of physics and other people. Even if the risks of child abduction and tree climbing accidents and car accident were exactly the same (and of course they’re hardly even on the same planet) walking home from school and climbing a tree would still be worth some risk while riding in a truck bed just for fun wouldn’t be.

Love it.

I am 8 months pregnant with my first child and I am SO nervous I won’t be able to let my kids live… I am a huge worry wart and am constantly trying to prevent anything bad from ever happening. I don’t think this is how I should parent, though, for many of the reasons you mentioned. I don’t want my kids to grow up afraid of all the things I am afraid of… living life is the goal. So I don’t know exactly how I’ll be as a Mom when it comes to letting them ride in the back of a pickup truck but one thing I do know is that I will never be a judgmental quack like someone else posting on these comments… there just cannot be one way to parent and Monica I love your truthfulness in yours and Serge’s own decisions. I may not always agree, but you have two gorgeous kids who I think are going to be just fine. Yall keep doing you…

I think under the circumstances, I would have done the same thing. Nice one.

Mother of pearl, Linda, T.O.O. Time for a sedative. Or maybe a ride in the back of a pickup? Honestly though, aren’t parenting choices like this all about weighing up the risk versus reward? Yes, bad things can happen but they can happen all the time during any activity. It’s all about assessing each situation. I know that your experience in insurance has made you very aware of the graphic (dude, too graphic for a Wednesday) risks involved in vehicle accidents but where is the limit? Riding in the back of a pick up in a busy area, not smart. Hillbilly back roads and farmland, probably safer every now and again. Again, assess each situation. Or, don’t and write some more about gore and coffins. That was fun.

And yet some of you are perfectly fine letting your young ones go on a rollercoaster ride that you cannot control nor stop at Disneyland, but are so quick to judge the woman who lets her daughter sit in the back of a pickup truck that her own grandfather is driving down a quiet neighbourhood street while her father is holding her… seriously?! Some of you need to chill out. It’s the kids who are allowed some ounce of freedom in their childhoods who don’t feel the need to rebel and be completely irresponsible once they break free of their parents’ hold during college.

I spent my ENTIRE childhood riding in the back of my Dad’s pick-up truck. Going to and from the Jersey shore…even longer trips to Maryland or Virginia. My sisters and I kicked back on the comfy bed sharing stories. The truck did have a cap. My parents weren’t that barbaric. Those were some fun times. That being said, I wouldn’t let my kids do the same. Somehow I turned out to be the biggest worrywort. But I will say there is a big difference in going down a country road or the Schuykill Expressway! Violet looked like she had fun…no judgment here!

“Honestly though, aren’t parenting choices like this all about weighing up the risk versus reward?” Yes, you’re supposed to use your brain in order to discern perceived hysterical risk from real risk. Apparently all of you are too far up Monika’s ass to able to do this, but you can’t expect that people who understand statistics and care about the welfare of children to sit idly by while Babble supports this with it’s silence and complicit support. I have to wonder what their liability would be should should something happen.

kicking the lid off the “what if” bucket … it’s personal choice what one should do. Good for you Monica.

I am so 100% on board with your CONCEPT of not letting fear rule your world. I will let my child play in the dirt. I will not over-sanitize every single thing in the house. It IS all about calculating risk vs. benefit, and I think it’s great that you will not be one of those parents who shields/smothers their kids into oblivion. HOWEVER, if it were me, riding in the back of the truck doesn’t have enough of a reward to justify the risk. In this case, I’d have belted her in to the carseat. Much like the discussion about the occasional drink while pregnant… everyone is different, and in this case (and that one too) the reward just doesn’t seem worth the risk. But who knows? Every situation is different. Maybe just a small dirt road with no other traffic would be safe. ???

Oh man, Linda, T.O.O. You’re just sounding like a crazy person now. Getting so worked up about this and suggesting Babble could have some sort of liability based on Monica’s writing a post about making a considered decision to let her daughter ride in the back of a truck driven by her grandfather down a country road in a tiny Pennsylvania town while being held by her father to go get an ice cream cone makes you seem like the unreasonable one here. From your nasty, admonishing tone, you would have thought that Monica said she let Violet ride in the back of a pickup truck driven by some random drunk teenager going 80 mph down the middle of highway 5 in LA!

Regarding riding in a pick up truck, I don’t know what I would do in this situation, because I have never been in it. I might say okay, I might not. But I do know that if have to have a conversation with myself about whether or not something (anything, not just riding in a pick up truck) is unsafe for my daughter, I will always most likely err on the side of caution. Just my opinion though.

Even though I was born in California, I spent a few years of my youth in West Virginia. It’s what is done and has been done for generations. It is small town, quiet streets, family having fun making memories & going for ice cream. Not at all a big deal. And Violet’s smile tell me she had a blast.

YES!! I agree completely with your logic, Monica. We all grew up riding in the back of trucks, riding bikes and horses without helmets…hell, when I was little there were no car seats or seat belts!! We rode in the “way back” of the station wagon and went flying (laughing ourselves silly) when mom had to slam on the brakes. And aside from a few nervous ticks, we’re just fine. ;)

As for the people who chastise this kind of parenting? Guess who’s teenager is going to be climbing out the window at night and doing all the things her control-freak of a mom wouldn’t stand for??

Our sons now are grown and survived the era when car seats weren’t what they are today, crib slats weren’t as safe, etc. I allowed our older son to teethe on the dog’s bone, to share toys with said dog. The result was the building up of his immune system. I didn’t boil his formula. No problems there. Our younger son was allowed as a teenager to rappel from Masada in Israel, at 12 or 13 to walk alone in London, a city he’d never visited before, to mail a letter at the post office perhaps 3 blocks away. I wanted him to be independent. Also as teens, both were given a packet of information, told to visit what sites in Paris they’d chosen for that day & to be back in time for dinner with us. All that being said, I’m not sure I’d allow either of them to ride in the back of a pick-up truck, (something I did once with my best friends when we were kids) even being held by a parent. Granted, it has to be fun, but rear-end collisions can occur with tragic consequences. The rural location has to count for something, so it’s a difficult decision.

Super cute picture! I love her hair blowing in the wind. Your post makes a lot of sense to me about calculated risk. However, I wouldn’t let my kids ride in the back of a pickup. They climb trees and do all kinds of things that some might frown on, but I wouldn’t let them do that. In my state, kids under 16 need to be properly restrained in the vehicle. I’m from a very rural area. I have to chuckle a bit at everyone’s view that rural rodes are safe, slow roads. I’m betting the locals that know the roads like the back of their hands fly down them. Grandpa may have been driving slow, but whose to say everyone else is?

yay, i’m glad you let her do it. I like to let my son experience things like that and shed my fears. Just last week, i was bear watching (I live in Alaska) at a popular bear site and wishing he was there with me to see how close the bears were. BEARS! THEY KILL PEOPLE! but it was so cool. He would have loved it and it would have made a memory.

I fully support your decision!

Oh the other thing I wanted say is man Vi has a lot of hair!! I have fine thin hair and have always worried that my girls will get that, they haven’t (thank god), but they don’t have the beautiful head of hair that Violet does. :) I think those of us with bad hair obsess LOL.

I fully support your decision given the circumstances too! it’s not like you were driving at top speed in heavy traffic, or off roading.

just curious though– is it legal in your state? I just don’t want you to get arrested :)

also, since riding in backs of trucks could become a favorite summertime memory for your kids, I offer a safety alternative: I remember in the 80′s I saw lots of pickups with rear-facing seats installed in the truck bed, and they had seat belts. it was legal in NM. do they still make those? getting seats installed might help alleviate your fears in the future. the kids could still enjoy the truck ride, safely.

I appreciate your thoughts on this subject. Though I have no children, II am all about trying to create memories our of experiences which, even if they are not actually remembered, will somehow help to form a strong sense of identity, optimistic ‘can do’ attitude, basic trust and stronger ties with those who have made it all possible.

I rode in the back of a pickup truck from Chicago, IL to Louisville, KY, roughly 350 miles. With my parents driving. Blasphemy!

@ Jason– “We’ve turned into a nation of overprotective, risk-averse pussies”

couldn’t have said it better myself!!

I get where you are coming from, and I really like all the thought provoking comments about not bubble-wrapping your kiddos and how to let them live. And experience (reasonable) danger. He’ll, that is what roller coasters are!
But I get all kinds of twitchy reading comments like “we did it this way and we all survived so why are we all so het up about it now?”. those comments often concern the topics of car seats, cribs, high chairs etc. But other topics, like lead based paint, or smoking, or asbestos, or living with livestock are never quite defended in the same way.
Guess what, we did do things differently fifty, thirty, a hundred, etc years ago. But circumstances change (more cars on the road at high speeds) and we also know more (smoking is linked to cancer). So, while doing some things out of the box of paranoid safety is awesome, it is not awesome to support decisions using the argument that it “used to be done this way.”.
Ok, thanks Monica for letting me hijack your comment thread to vent about this!

When the boys were 8 and 11, they wanted to go to a local arcade to play vid games with their friends – 15 mins away from home, we lived in Sydney at the time. I thought about it for an entire week. They’d given me the pitch and waited an entire week for my decision. A particularly helpful week on their parts as I recall.

In the end I went back to them with a counter-deal. Mede (she was 7) and I had to be in. They could pretend we weren’t related to them and we’d pretend she wasn’t their sister and I wasn’t their mother. The good thing about being little is that you don’t spook kids who are 30 years younger than you are but still a head and shoulders taller at 12 yrs old!

Of course this decision was met with utter disbelief but the terms of engagement were as a parent would say (wholly) in our favour. Our family game plan on the Saturday morning was simple, girls first then the boys could come in a few mins later.

My kids say I’m a geek and actually I credit them with making me one. Mede and I got started in a game – some shoot ‘em one. Imagine our horror and delight when we joined a team and (having no control over Up-Down keys and shooting at characters on a screen) it turned out we were eliminating OUR own team members. The memory of it now still makes me chuckle.

This was the game plan for 3 months, altho’ the boys gave us a bit of coaching during the week so we got better at not shooting up our team mates! After 3 mths I decided the boys could go to the Arcade by themselves. They could catch a bus and return by a specific time.

We all did the bus route together until the boys were comfortable, they had to use their pocket money to fund these trips and I gave them my mobile to call home in case of an emergency. They were not allowed to be late home for any reason because any excuses were simply not in the deal.

To their great credit they never were and the one time the bus ran late and they knew they’d miss the ‘be-home’ time they called me genuinely distressed they were going to be late. Josh even gave me the number to call to check the Bus timetable (which I did AND was told it was running late).

We approached going to the movies in Pitt St, Sydney in the same way when Josh was 14. We did several dry runs, We all brought the train tickets, we all took the train together, we all went to a movie together. We all came home together. A month later Josh did it by himself (sort of) — hey it was the first time!

Actually I left Dan & Mede with friends, I jumped on the same train a few carriages down, I watched the movie and did everything in reverse. When you’re old you know which carriage is going to stop exactly outside the bottom of the stairs up to the terminal. I think I managed 26 stairs in 30 secs. Jumped in the car for all of 2 mins and waited as Josh came down the steps out the other side.

There were lots of these little exercises as the children grew up, they weren’t always compliant with the terms and when they weren’t the consequences went straight to the things that mattered to them most. Game Boys removal, missing their fav. TV show for a week, even missing a friend’s birthday.

The children might remember a particularly defining memory when I marched them around the Japonica tree outside until Dan actually got the analogy after the fourth walk-around. “Mum, are you trying to tell us money doesn’t grow on trees?” I said Dan, “do you see any?” There was silence and I knew they’d got it finally. Then we all went inside and had afternoon tea.

Being a parent isn’t always easy but it can always be very rewarding in ways we never imagine. Like when our kids get it.

This is a lovely, safe little adventure a family took together. The risk was small, but the payoff was huge, because not only are you giving her a wonderful memory, you are showing her how to assess what is reasonable risk in order to fully live. I would argue that in including her in your conversation about whether or not this was a reasonable risk, you are actually making her a safer kid, showing her that it’s okay to be a little bit daring from time to time when you’re surrounded by safe people under controlled circumstances. Kids who are too sheltered get into big trouble all the time. This was a lovely experience, but also a teachable moment and I get the sense that it was a good experience for everyone.

I rode in the back of pickups as a kid. It wasn’t illegal then. it is now, and for good reason. I won’t let my kids do it. I want to be fun, but I won’t allow the rules to be broken to do so. Plus, it’s reckless and not worth the risk. Just because your dad drove carefully does not mean Drunk Joe Bl

I too was able to ride in the back of trucks, run around our neighborhood for hours without checking in, and all kinds of “dangerous” activities. The sad thing is- my mom was a worrier- big time. She was careful where it counted (never letting me go to visit friends unless she met and knew parents), but let me be a kid and my own person. I am SO thankful for that. I know it was terrifying for her. But I think it made me independent and a little bit tougher too.

With the way the world is today, I don’t believe that some people are arguing about something like letting a child enjoy things that some of us took for granted in our ownchildhood! Do these people have nothing else to do with their time but judge other people? Ok, so there is more information out there these days, but people,there have ALWAYS been dangers out there since the begining of time!!! Look around,we have created a country full of over weight, vidio addicted childeren who are afraid of thier own shadows. I am a mother of six and a grandmother of ten. Do you know what I worry about? I worry that my grandchildren will not get to grow up and have the chance to take that ride in the back of a pick up truck. With the wars and the very real threats to this country that they present I myself think that we should be more worried about educating our children on the skills of surviving should something like what is happening in other countries, God forbid, happens here! Accidents happen everyday, we cannot prevent all of them no matter how careful we are. It is said God decides when it’s time for us to go.So, here’s to all the mothers that let their kids be kids! Inform them of the dangers in a way that give them the facts and concecences without scaring them to death.It can be done! Then let kids be kids, let them run a play and learn!!!

My husband witnessed an accident involving four children and a mom in the back of a pickup truck. They were making a left turn and were hit from behind. Thier bodies flew in the air as high as the telephone poles lining the streets and came back to earth inpacting the road. Two were dead at the scene. The other three were airlifted with head injuries. Not to mention this is illegal in most states- for a reason. Just remember when your daughter gets older and wants to do something illegal- you don’t have a leg to stand on.

The law in Pennsylvania requires that children use an appropriate seat belt whenever they are riding in a motorized vehicle. There’s nothing about not on backroads or if you’re driving slowly or if Dad’s holding her.

So, if you’re OK with teaching your child that it’s fine to break laws when it’s more fun to ignore them, then, by all means, let her ride in the truck bed whenever she wants. But don’t be surprised if she grows up to be a person who breaks laws when it’s more fun to do things her way. I’m sure she’ll have plenty of magical moments as a result.