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Kids Of Divorce May Have Happier Marriages
Do children of divorce grow up to have happier marriages than their parents? That’s the argument the Wall Street Journal is making this week. In an article on kids and divorce, they say that new research suggests kids whose parents split up may have happier marriages as adults.
They give two reasons for this. First, kids who’ve lived through a divorce learn from their parents’ mistakes and are determined not to repeat them. Second, for kids who have a parent remarry, the new stepfamily is often happier and teaches them how to build loving relationships.
That sounds great. It fits with anecdotal reports from my peers who swear they’ll never darken the doors of a divorce court after watching their own parents break up.
There’s just one problem: statistics say it doesn’t really work this way.
In reality, children of divorce are more likely to split up their own marriages than those whose parents’ lived happily ever after. According to Tara Parker-Pope’s book For Better, she writes that those whose parents are divorced are 59 percent more likely to divorce. If both partners have divorced parents, the divorce risk for their marriage jumps 189 percent. If either partner has a stepparent, their own risk for divorce is even higher.
The Wall Street Journal article is based on new research that surveys how people feel about their marriages. They write:
In support of the second viewpoint, a recent Pew Research Center study suggests that if divorced parents remarry, the kids’ own marriages may benefit from the example of a parent’s second, happier union. Indeed, some 60% of children who grow up in stepfamilies say their marriages are closer than those of their own biological parents, says the Pew survey of 2,691 adults, conducted last October. Also, some 70% of people with step-relatives say they are very satisfied with their family lives, the Pew study shows. The study indicates that stepkids may be benefiting from a parent’s positive bond with a stepparent.
This is great news for stepfamilies, but it pushes against all the existing statistics on marriage. In addition to kids of divorce being more likely to divorce, second marriages are more likely than first marriages to end in divorce. Blended families fall apart more often than they work out.
So if the statistics say divorce is contagious, why do people in stepfamilies and adults whose own parents divorced say they’re having better marriages?
I have two theories on this. The optimistic one is that marriages are changing and becoming more stable. That the kids who were hurt by their parents’ messy divorces a generation ago really are enjoying closer, more stable marriages now. That the new Pew research is showing the leading edge of something that will become clearer when we look at divorce statistics in ten years.
The pessimistic theory is that this new research is just wrong. That people are poor reporters about the health of their own marriages. They’re telling researchers that they’re happy and close, but they’re heading for trouble down the road. It’s possible that children of divorce believe they’re more committed to staying married, but are really more likely to get divorced themselves.
What do you think? Did your parents divorce? How has it affected your own marriage?
Photo: kathera
Building a strong relationship starts with you: How to Be a Happy Stepmom
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17 Comments
pontificatrix commented on Jul 08 11 at 2:37 pmSo 60% of children raised in stepfamilies say their marriages are better than those of their biological parents? And that is supposed to be considered positive news for the stepfamily arrangement?
If (on average) their parents’ marriages were ‘average’ in quality, and their own marriages were also ‘average’ in quality, then we should expect that 50% of them should say their marriages are better than their parents’ marriages.
But they are children of divorce, so by definition their parents’ marriages were all ‘below average,’ no? That’s not a high standard to beat, which suggests that extra 10% isn’t particularly impressive.
mama b commented on Jul 08 11 at 2:37 pmWell I can say that for me as a child of divorce married to a man whose parents have been happily married for 40+ years I can say that I personally do believe that many adults with divorced parents DO have better marriages(at least from my own experience and with my friends). For our marriage I believe that it is because we actually work on our marriage and I have seen and felt how tragic and awful divorce is on kids. Much of the reason my parents divorced is because they were young and selfish. They were too busy working on their own needs and wants and didn’t focus on trying to be adults who work on their problems. Yeah they are also happier in their second marriages and are both happily married 20+ years later. My husband and I have had our share of problems, BUT we work on them, which is something my parents never did. We also waited to have our children until we were more grown-up and ready to commit to each other and to them. I would never want my children to endure the pain that I had to deal with, it broke my heart for years until I met my husband and he helped me heal and move on.
pontificatrix commented on Jul 08 11 at 2:39 pmJust adding to clarify: This research isn’t ‘wrong.’ It’s right in line with most of the other stuff we’ve heard about the effects of parental divorce on the future relationships of the children.
pontificatrix commented on Jul 08 11 at 2:41 pmChildren of divorce could have marriages that are (on average) 10% (well, 20% for those of you who are paying attention) better than their parents’ poor marriages, and still be far below the population average for relationship quality.
pontificatrix commented on Jul 08 11 at 2:44 pmAlso the statistic where 70% of people in stepfamilies are ‘very satisfied’ with their family arrangements is totally meaningless without the equivalent data from a group of people who are *not* in stepfamilies. If we heard that 80% of the latter group are ‘extremely satisfied’ with their family arrangements, that first statistic wouldn’t sound so great anymore.
Tania commented on Jul 08 11 at 5:42 pmI come from a broken home. My father has never been able to have a healthy relationship with any of his wives. He’s been with my step-mother for almost 20 years and it is dysfunctional to say the least. I had bad relationship role models until I moved out at 18. When I saw what normal families were like, I knew there was hope for me. It was like night and day. At 24 I met my husband. It was very important to me that he came from a stable family. His parents have been married for 30+ years and have a great relationship. I’m working hard at having a happy marriage. I don’t want my children ( first on the way!) to go through what I went through. Even when we argue, I always think of how much worse it could be. What’s most important in a marriage is that the two partners truly and deeply love each other.
Divorce Paralegal commented on Jul 08 11 at 8:14 pmIt has always been my experience that when the parents are able to work things out, the children are less involved in the stress of the divorce process.
Alyssa Johnson commented on Jul 09 11 at 2:19 pmI think this is just an issue of anecdotal research versus hard data. What people feel and what they do are typically two VERY different things.
I’ll be the first to say I HOPE their optimistic viewpoint in this article occurs. But I tend to be a little more realistic and worry that’s not the case.
In my opinion, the best indicator for success in a step family is preparation. Have the adults adequately prepared for how different this marriage will be from their first? Has their been enough time to prepare the kids for how differently life will work?
Alyssa Johnson, LCSW
http://www.RemarriageSuccess.com
kate commented on Jul 10 11 at 7:51 amit seems the research is attempting to calculate the incalculable. my parents recently “celebrated” 50 years of marriage. 50 years of deep seated resentment. Being Catholic, divorce was never an option. And if you asked them, they would say that they are happily married. Denial, after all, is the glue that binds them together. After 20 years of my own marriage, during which time I left no stone unturned in an effort to remain married, I made the very difficult choice to ask for a divorce. I asked myself throughout what I would want my children to do if they found themselves in my situation- Stay, like their grandparents, or work hard to make it better, recognize if/when that was impossible, and get out, respectfully and ethically. As long as happiness and satisfaction are self-reported the truth will be unknowable. Hard numbers can tell us who and how many divorce- but that will never be the entire story.
Meagan commented on Jul 12 11 at 5:59 amWhat if people who’ve grown up with divorce are more likely to see it as a viable option… and therefore LESS likely to suffer through an unhappy marriage for as long?
Eric commented on Oct 03 11 at 7:14 pmDon’t confuse marital satisfaction with divorce rates. Children of divorce are more likely to come from a background that doesn’t see divorce as some horrible, immoral thing. It would make sense that they would have a higher divorce rate, not because their marriages are less happy, but because they are more likely to end an unhappy one.
kat commented on Oct 03 11 at 7:59 pmkids like myself who grew up with a single parent is horrible! Divorce is a word me and my husband will never utter we both have been through a lot BC of our parents divorce and remarrying. finding him and lovin him has healed my wound and has made me feel secure and loved there is nothing I wouldn’t do to keep this marriage especially since I have a lil girl I would never let her go though what I went through bc then I would become a failure.
Kristie commented on Oct 03 11 at 9:18 pmMy parents divorced when I was about 4. My mom “remarried” and was with her partner for 18 years. My life with him was a living hell. I absolutely loathe him. Their dysfunctional marriage has made me TRY HARDER and WANT a better life for my own daughter. I don’t want her to go through what I went through. It absolutely melts my heart to see her so attached and loving towards my husband. I’m able to give her what was robbed from me- happy memories and pictures with her parents.
TJ commented on Oct 03 11 at 9:19 pm…being from a broken home myself and of reasonable, common sense…
* Children growing up in an abusive environment make a CHOICE to follow the environment or to better themselves… the choice is not always visible let alone easy for some, but it IS possible and viable. The odds (statistics) are simply against it.
* Children from a broken/divorcee home also have the same choice(s) to make in life. Whom they meet and marry (if anyone) has a great role to play in this as well and is not likely factored into the equation. If their spouse-to-be doesn’t maintain the same reasons for the parents’ divorce, such as affairs, laziness, violence and other forms of abuse, etc. then polling statistics have little bearing on the outcome.
* Step-families… I’m sorry but that’s a joke. You’re comparing DIVORCED people to MARRIED people. The DIVORCED people had issues which led to divorce. The step families MAY HAVE the same issues (which I’ve seen time and time again) it just has not either YET led to another divorce, or the attitude of “I’m too old for this and/or if I find yet another person for my future, what’s to say it’s not the same ol’ mistake?” Add that to the little tid-bit that they’re being surveyed WHILE STILL MARRIED to the new spouse… those who are NOT happy aren’t inviting misery. Not many people tell the world when their marriage is far from perfect and fewer brag “Yeah, my current spouse is just as bad as my prior…”
On a positive note, however; most “step” families are resurrections of “dream” families. “My old marriage lacked this and that and contained this other stuff… I’m not going to repeat the same mistakes this time around…” thus giving a totally new perspective, even if the person doing the comparative was the one mostly guilty for the first divorce to begin with.Our kids know our faults – and as a kid once upon a time I’m well aware of my parents’ flaws as well. You can’t hide who you are from your kids, no matter how much of a plastic-smile you put on your face each morning.
In closing, I’ll say this and let the community just throw rocks for those who can find last minute excuses to debate the truth…
Dearly Beloved (This means you’re supposed to be getting married and love one another unconditionally)
We have gathered here (somewhere there’s at least two witnesses and a ring) to join these two people (Jack and Jill) in holy matrimony (for those not big on religion, feel free to drop “holy” but know it’s still an agreement and a binding contract.)
blah blah blah…
“Do you (fill in name here) take (other person’s name) to be your LAWFULLY wedded (spouse)?
[Some mild rewording depending on ethnicity, preferences, etc.]
…To have and to hold, from this day forward,
for better and/or for worse,
for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health,
until DEATH do US part.
[Debate the terms of “death” and “us” and you have either “BOTH us do part” meaning, for a lack of better words, “forever” — or “Prayin’ for the end of time”)
I, ____, take you, ____, to be my (husband/wife). I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life…I don’t know about everyone else out there, but marriage isn’t supposed to be disposable. You come into this agreement knowingly contracting your remaining days to/with this other person regardless of good times or bad. You knew this person BEFORE you married him/her… yet so many people act surprised when they continue acting as they always have and it’s cause for divorce.
Society wake-up call…
- Imagine for a moment… unwed mothers-to-be were legally obligated to marry the father of the child. No exceptions.
- Drop the bomb… divorce is now outlawed. You made your choices in life… now live with them… and preferably make the best of it!
- Continue the imagination… extramarital affairs were punishable by law as endangerment to others (the spouse and/or children)
- Add a pinch of spice… domestic violence was taken seriously (as it should be) both at a spouse level and child(ren) level
- Some real flare… an affair with a married woman/man has guaranteed prison time when caught. (Home Wreckers)Grand finale’…
* Teen pregnancies would plummit in no time.
* Unmarried/broken homes would almost cease to exist.
* Disease (STD) would virtually disappear in the masses assuming protected sex would be practiced much more so than it is today.
* Welfare could return back to what it was originally intended for… to help those (temporarily) in need to get back on their feet when crisis hits home.
* Per the topic of discussion… there would BE no census to have regarding whether or not children from broken homes are more or less susceptible for divorce… since ethics have been so seriously watered down in the past 3-4 generations, the above list would easily promote people away from promiscuous behavior, broken promises and broken homes.Someone out there’s going to cry “foul” regarding the constitution… “I have the right to do this or that…”
Who grants ANYONE the right to wed… procreate… and then dispose?
If I were to go and intentionally attempt to destroy someone’s life… there’s laws to protect them from such acts. What’s the difference if I were to just “up and abandon” my wife and kids? Does this not have the same impact?
Amber commented on Oct 04 11 at 1:47 amI have to say that watching my mom and dad’s marriage deteriorate before my eyes has made me try harder at keeping my own marriage afloat. My husband feels the same way. . .we both come from “broken” homes where our mothers re married. For one mom, things are still intact but not happy and for the other, she has gone through divorce #2.
My husband and I have been together 11 yrs, married 9 and have “had it” with each other on more than one occasion, but we have resolve and determination to keep going, as long as neither of us is making the other miserable.
I have to agree with the notion that kids with divorced parents have happier marriages. . . It’s sure made me try harder at my own!
Liz commented on Oct 04 11 at 11:01 amI agree with Mama B, I have not yet married, I am only 20 but I do know how to handle myself in ALL my relationships better because of the mistakes my parents made in their divorce. There was years and years of pain and heartache for everyone, and being the way I am, I decided to learn from it rather then be bitter and hateful towards someone. I use what I have learned from them in every relationship I encounter, with my brothers and with my friends. Being selfish and immature and unsure never helped anyone. Yelling and screaming like a 2 year old never helped anyone and doesn’t get you anywhere. There is just a laundry list of horrible things my parents did that could have been severely detrimental to my thoughts on marriage if it wasn’t for the fact that my dads best friends are married men and if I hadn’t thought logically and seen “hey the way my parents act towards each other is probably why they are divorced and neither incites a positive reaction when they do- nothing gets done and it hurts our family”. So when I go out and find myself a husband or even when I go to work or talk to friends, I use the “grown- up” skills my parents didn’t use around us. Process of elimination works wonders! BUT I do think that too many people who come from unstable marriages or unhappy unions or horrible divorces keep that childish mindset “I will never get married or all men/ women are evil whores” stuff like THAT is damaging and I think that’s probably why you see less children of divorce’s marriages ending in divorce, they just don’t get married!!!
Steffanie commented on Oct 04 11 at 11:03 amAlthough Kristie makes some excellent points there are some out there that don’t have the choice… I loved and honored my husband…. I took care of our home, him, did all the right things and discovered 8 years into it that he’d been cheating on me all along… How does one know they are marrying a sociopath unless they are a Psychology major? And how much did he change after being deployed to Iraq and going through Special Forces training? Don’t get me wrong… I know now that there’s no such thing as a “dream” man…. I have realized many of my own flaws along the way but let’s be honest…. being “stuck” with the wrong person isn’t the answer…. Would it cut down on certain things? Sure. We can read the Bell Curve and recognize that…. however, we are human… we fall in and out of love… we make mistakes… Our spouses should be able to change with us or accept us…. being stuck would only lead us as humans to being sneakier… it wouldn’t make us better people and more morally sound….
I left my husband…. I had a friend ask me what is was like raising my kids in a “broken” home… my home is not broken… there’s more love here than ever… Is it a struggle? Yep. But I’m guessing the people that came from positive role models, in or out of divorced homes, are the ones that turn out better as people as a whole…. I don’t believe it has anything to do with being married!!!!!
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