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Birth Parents Find Adopted Kids on Facebook: Should They?
Birth parents using Facebook to find child given up for adoption?
The Today show covered an interesting story about birth parents who found the child they gave up for adoption – on Facebook, of all places. This isn’t the only instance of parents finding their children via Facebook, but begs the question of whether people should use this method to find their children.
In some instances, birth parents made contact with their child before getting in touch with the adoptive parents – and in other cases, they contacted a child before the kid even knew he/she was adopted.
So, clearly, while this particular story had a happy reunion and ending, I’m not so sure that would always be the case.
The process of birth parents finding their adopted children (or kids finding their birth parents) used to be more involved, but Facebook has made the process a little easier, it seems.
As someone who was adopted as an infant, I’ve always gotten the question from friends about whether I wanted to meet my “real” parents. This always struck me as odd because the people who adopted and raised me are my “real” parents, as far as I’m concerned.
I’ve never had the burning urge to find out who my biological parents are, to see what they look like, or get to know them in any way. But for other people, I understand that there’s a curiosity or, in some cases, a void that people feel needs to be filled.
Personally, the only reason I would want to find out more about my birth parents is to find out medical history. Otherwise, I don’t have much interest.
Still, for those who are seeking their biological families, I don’t think the use of Facebook to reconnect birth parents and their adopted children is the right channel.
Do you think that birth parents should track their kids down this way and make contact?
Before you “friend” your 8-year-old — should underage kids even be on Facebook?
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22 Comments
Jenna commented on Jun 28 11 at 11:34 pmI was adopted and found my birth parents using the internet when I was a teenager… I kinda wish facebook had been around then because it would have made my job so much easier. :) Sidenote: If you haven’t broken the news to your kid that they’re adopted by the time they’re old enough for facebook they’re going to be traumatized by finding out anyway and that’s all on you adoptive parents.
Rosana commented on Jun 29 11 at 8:37 amNo!!!! It was the parents personal decision to give them up for adoption and they wanted their decision to be respected. Therefore, is the kids decision if they want to meet their birth parents and it should be respected as well.
Adoption STAR commented on Jun 29 11 at 11:02 amI think you need to be very careful before beginning a search whether it is online or off-line as a birth parent or adoptee.
You need to make sure you’ve discussed this decision with loved ones and probably a professional in the adoption field about what to expect and how to handle the emotions you are sure to feel.
If you are looking for more information on how social media and the internet have affected adoption, please read this post http://adoptionstar.com/child-placement/adoption-and-social-media-recommendations-for-healthy-ongoing-communication/.
John commented on Jun 29 11 at 11:34 amI’m also adopted, I would only want to find my birth parents for medical history, Facebook would not really do that well.
But birth parents that gave up the kid should NOT be reaching out to the kid imho.
goddess commented on Jun 29 11 at 1:21 pmI think that totally SUCKS. You didn’t want or have the ability to be their parent in the first place. Now don’t barge into their ;lives uninvited. There are registries you can put your name into , so that if the child WANTS to look for you, they can trace you thru there/. Do that and stop being selfish.
MsC commented on Jun 29 11 at 3:58 pmI can’t blame birth parents for their curiosity. But ‘finding’ your offspring on facebook and *contacting* them via facebook are two different things. Going around the adoptive parents is absolutely not cool.
Linda t.o.o. commented on Jun 30 11 at 12:14 amI’m adopted and I would think it was fine to be contaced in this way. I’m an adult. I do not believe that birth parents should be contacting minor children through FB though. Aside from that point, I think it’s downright criminal that adoption is still shrouded in lies and secrecy. Full disclosure once a person reaches adulthood should be the universal right of all adoptees.
lynn commented on Jun 30 11 at 2:02 pmi was adopted and i’m also a birth mother. i have an open relationship with the family and child i gave up, but i am extremely respectful of their need to be a family. even though i am in their lives i keep my distance. i see my relationship with them as a gift and want it to stay positive and never disruptive to their family. if our adoption had not been open i would never have sought her out. i believe it is the child’s choice to make contact with their birth parents if they want to.
having been adopted i was always curious about my birth parents but never looked until i had given a child up myself and wanted to give her family a medical history. it was actually my mom who helped me locate my birth parents. i was very worried about upsetting them or their families so we took it very slow and they decided whether they wanted to meet me as well. my birth mother did and we’ve grown a great relationship, but my birth father did not and that is fine. there needs to be room for both sides to have a choice. i think doing something like this through facebook would be shocking. if a birth parent must find the child they gave up for some reason then they should be contacting the parents of that child, not the child, unless they are grown adults. there is also the chance that the child was never told (which i disagree with but it happens). it’s a VERY sensitive situation for all involved with intense emotions and i don’t think facebook is an appropriate option for first contact.
Ashley commented on Jul 02 11 at 8:33 pmI was adopted and my birth mother found me on Facebook a little over a year and a half ago. It was the most amazing experience I have ever went through. I am so thankful for Facebook. Without it I could have spent the next 10 years looking for my birth family. I now live with them because my adopted Dad caused problems once I found my birth family. I would say if you are adopted and you family finds you on Facebook be happy because it was in your destiny to be found that way.
Lauren commented on Jul 02 11 at 8:36 pmI gave my daughter up for adoption when I was 16. I was in no way ready to become a mother; when I could not even support myself. I know the people (friends of our family) who adopted my daughter; and when THEY are ready to tell her…I will be ready to answer any questions she may have. I feel they know her, they raised her, and they know when its best to tell her she was adopted and/or tell her who I am. In no way would I ever tell her through facebook or even tell her before her parents did. I believe that its too sensitive for Facebook. If the birth child was looking for the biological parent on Facebook that is different!!!
Jessica Bell commented on Jul 02 11 at 8:36 pmMy sister and I were adopted almost 19 years ago in a closed adoption. But just a few months ago after searching for years my sister and I found our birth mom and brothers on Facebook. I believe in second chances…
Diana Wright commented on Jul 02 11 at 8:46 pmRosanna , some parents didnt have a choice in giving up there children, some were taking because the birth parents were deemed unfit to raise them which can be due to financial, mental, or other issues . i personally to find my 2 oldest sons i would not go down this avenue.(not that i would need to for my second as im still in touch with him and im sure my first son will search for me when the time comes) for me i gave them up for a better chance at life, i knew i wasnt prepared or equiped to raise them nor mature enough. i dont consider myself there mother as i did not raise them, i did not nurture them nor contributed financially.. i talk to my second but im more like an adult friend then his mother there is no bond there between me and him except friendship and im fine with that. to go through facebook to find your adopted ‘children’ is wrong, what if they dont know they are adopted, it could cause varouse serouse issues for them, and hurt them make them think why wasnt i worthy of keeping etc. it just isnt right or ethical, if you did decide to give them up well thats the choice you chose and should leave them alone as you gave up your responsibility. if you did not chose to give them up well there are better ways then going through a social network for petes sake ask there parents first and if they say no there may be reasons why they said no as they know them better then you would.
Lisa commented on Jul 02 11 at 8:46 pmFirst you must know the situation behind the adoption. In my case, the authorities railroaded me and I was too young to know how to fight them. I did what the authorities said and then was forced to give my child up for adoption.
I do understand that mine is an unusual circumstance. I do understand that there are situations where there is abuse, neglect, or other bad situations that may have lead up to the adoption. It is up to the adoptive family to be open and honest with the child.
I am extremely thankful for Facebook. It is how my family got in touch with the daughter I had to give up for adoption. We are now very close and she now lives with me. I know things do not always work out as well as my situation. I am blessed to have her back in my life.
amy commented on Jul 02 11 at 8:55 pmI think if the adoptee is an adult it is ok.
Pauline commented on Jul 03 11 at 6:56 amAs someone who spent her entire childhood wondering about my birthmother, and two years searching, I wish I’d had more accessible means. I was rather wistful when I read about the using-Facebook-to-find-your-birthfamily trend.
Sharon commented on Jul 03 11 at 7:44 pmI’m also adopted and very thankful whomever gave me up so many years ago.For I’ve been blessed with a parents who were suited just for me. I have no doubt that God knew what was best for my life. I’ve never wanted to look up my birth people, sure I was curious of where I came from. When I asked my Mom, who and where did I come from, she took me to the bank where in the safety deposit box where had to sign in in a special book. And under lock and key we opened up the box that held my adoption papers and information. No pictures but there on the paper lies the description of them, I had no chance of being tall like my Mom, who’s s 5 ’8″ and long legged , I found out what nationality they were,which was pretty cool I thought. It told about their hobbies and what interest they were in at the time.
But as for looking them up, what do I have in common with these people accept in the biological sense.To me, I just can think of if I ever met them, I’d be able to pick out who’s nose I have, which in my mind is not a good thing! I now that I have 2 daughters of my own, if there were any health issues for them or that could be prevented, I would seek out. I’ve had the discussion with my daughters also, if they were curious to know, they also agreed and honestly I asked them to tell me honestly.
I always knew that I was adopted, my parents read a book to me when I was little that explained that I was adopted. I was fortunate I had 4 other students in my elementary school that were also adopted, so I never felt like it was an odd thing.
I will tell you, what I told my husband when we were in some weird arguement that we both can’t seem to remember what it was about. But we both remember me saying, Your parents had to have you, but I was chosen!
Lisa commented on Sep 01 11 at 9:58 amI’m the adoptive mother of an emotionally unstable teen whose biological mother found her on facebook. The biological mom is also highly unstable, but is convinced that I’m just going to hand her daughter over to her because she was wrongfully adopted and they should be together. She has friend-requested my daughter, her mother, sisters, brothers, cousins, the whole family is sending friend requests. I have messages daily on my Facebook demanding a reunion on their terms. Even after attempting to explain that the child is unable to deal with birth-family drama right now – they are still pushing hard for a reunion, a phone call, letters. To make matters more interesting, I’m very easy to find. Just google my name and presto! You have my address, phone number, and driving directions. It’s an open invitation to a kidnapping and completely wrecking the life of a little girl – all over again.
Bits of Bee commented on Sep 03 11 at 4:10 pmI was adopted and had no interest in finding my birth parents, until at the age of 32, my birth father found me – through the Internet! I think it can be a risky platform to reconnect, you don’t know for sure if it’s the right person you’re talking to online, and although most profiles are public, some people might not want to be found (or to make the fact that they gave someone up for adoption public). It worked for me, but I don’t know if it would work for everyone.
KAREN commented on Sep 03 11 at 5:03 pmI GAVE UP A CHILD IN 1970 AND AS I GET OLDER I WONDER IF SHE HAS EVER LOOKED FOR ME. MY MOTHER DID HAVE THEIR ADDRESS BUT AS SHE IS GONE NOW AND DAD HAS GONE THRU HER THINGS I HAVE NO WAY OF FINDING IT AGAIN. ALL THE BIG SITES OUT THERE YOU CAN POST ON IF THEY WANT TO CONTACT YOU ONLY WANT YOUR MONEY SO ITS VERY HARD TO JUST PUT THE INFO OUT THERE AND LET THEM RESPOND IF THEY WANT TO. MINE WAS A PRIVATE ADOPTION SO I HAVE NO WHERE TO GO BACK TO AND LOOK. MINORS NO WAY SHOULD THEY BE CONTACTED IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM. IF THEY ARE FOUND ON FACE BOOK ITS BECAUSE THEIR PARENTS DID NOT PUT THE CONTROLS ON THE PUTOR OR MONITOR THEM LIKE THEY SHOULD AND KEEP THEIR PROFILE PRIVATE. THATS WHERE THE BLAME SHOULD BE YOU NEED TO TEACH THEM TO BE CAREFUL!!!!!!!!
Vonda Patchin commented on Dec 02 11 at 5:34 pmI gave a daughter up for adoption.. and when she turned 19yrs old I found her on facebook. I friended her, I did not tell her who I was..only that I was a family friend.. she got to know me, her brothers and sisters all on facebook. Before she found out who I was.. She wasn’t told she was adopted by her parents. But knew since she was 15 because Social Security told her that her mom wasn’t her birth mom on her birth certificated. So after chatting with her for a while.. and finding out she was mistreated by her mom.. and talking to her dad. To realize that it happened. Her sister told her was her biological sister and that I was her biological mom..She called asked all the questions she wanted and I told her the truth about everything.. why I did what I did.. and where she came from.. who was all her family.. Anything and everything she want to know.. I have since had time with her.. and it’s been over a year.. and we are like we never was apart.. I know her..and she knows me.. and she now knows where she belongs.. She is blessed because she has her biological family..and her real family too… For me.. thats all that matters.. she is loved.
Stephen commented on Dec 08 11 at 4:43 amI think that it should be up to the adopted child and the birth parents to decide what role, if any they want, and this may change over time. Personally, I think that while the adoptive parents have custody, it does not mean that total severing of the contact with their adoptive child or anonymous letterbox contact is the right level for everyone (which the courts have rubber-stamped in many cases). For some adoptees, a higher level, more direct level of contact with their birth family may benefit them especially if those members of the birth family loved them prior to adoption (or the other way around), and the adopted child had a good relationship with them previously and remembers them. If this is the case allowing facebook chat, e-mail, phone calls, or even visitation rights may benefit the adoptee while still a child. In cases of child abuse, such direct contact may not be in the adoptees best interest unless the adopted child really cares about them so much and loves them and wants to forgive them for the past abuses. In these cases, it may be best to limit contact or monitor it. Contact to birth siblings should not be severed unless in extreme cases, especially if the child remembers his/her brothers and sisters.
Because Facebook contact can happen before adulthood, it is probably best if the adopted child knows his/her full life story and the names of his/her birth relatives, and be allowed to access his/her original birth certificate and medical history. This way, they will be able to make since of their past, just in case the birth relatives bring things up, or present a different version of events than they were told by social services when they contact. Adoption agencies should also work with adopted child in the teen years on how to handle such contact and give guidance on the benefits, risks, etc of allowing contact from birth relatives before a teen begins searching, or how to handle if they are contacted by a birth relative. Adoptive parents need to be aware that Facebook, Myspace, et al aren’t censored by social services and very quickly phone numbers, e-mails, and addresses get exchanged. With this, the adoption agency and child protective services are out of the communication loop between them, and that visits and reunions can easily occur before the child is an adult.
The secret surname thing has outlived its usefulness as tagging and the ability to search others friends lists, etc has made it much easier for birth parents to find their adopted children. With the number of places the kids can access Facebook and other social networking sites, the ease of searching by first name and location, and the like, the reality is adopted children are likely to be found before adulthood, and that 17 and under reunions and direct contact are now the reality. The challenge for CPS and adoption agencies is going to be the best way to educate the adoptive parents and adopted children how to make quality relationships between adopted children and their birth families at a younger age in a manner that benefits everyone while minimizing the risk of abuse, while giving the adopted child flexibility and control of who they want in their life at that point in time.
Anna commented on Apr 22 12 at 5:36 pmI was adopted as a infant, 2 weeks before I turned 27 I received a message on reunion .com telling me I was adopted. As far as I knew my parents were the ones who raised me, I had no idea that I was adopted, my mother still denies it publicly to this day and I wrote to the county for the info. My adoption info says my birth mother was dead and my grandfather gave me up for adoption. Yet, my birth mother is alive, she was 15 when she had me, and her dad sent her to an institution for unstable girls after she gave birth, because she ran away from foster care (to Nebraska, where I was born) (my parents were her foster parents), she was in foster care for being a run away and uncontrollable.
I always had a feeling that I was adopted but wasn’t interested in knowing the story or anything. I figured one of my older siblings would tell me once my parents passed if it was true. Finding out the way I did was horrible and I am still in counseling for it. My birth mother’s family is riddled with cancer and psychological issues and yes that is good to know, but I knew that based on the info the mom who raised me told me (I am pretty sure the family who raised me doesn’t have cancer and psychological issues to the extent of these issues).
I love my parents and I love my life, I think had I been left with the birth mother who gave birth to me, I would have either died or been an addict of some sort or taken away to foster care when I was older again.
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