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Parenting Gurus Face Off: Amy Chua Vs. Bryan Caplan
Are you a Tiger Mom or a Serenity Parent?
What does Tiger Mother Amy Chua have to say to Bryan Caplan, father of “serenity parenting”?
Plenty, it turns out. The two face off in the pages of the Guardian, arguing the fine points of their very different parenting styles. Chua defends her book by saying it’s just a memoir, and a bit of a spoof at that. Caplan isn’t having any of it: he says it’s a shame she was so strict with her kids, and reinforces his point that parents can’t really influence kids that much, so they may as well relax.
Neither is really willing to give much ground. They probably went home believing just as firmly in their polar opposite parenting approaches as they did when they sat down. But at least they had the conversation. And we all get to listen in.
I personally think Caplan wins the debate with this:
Once my kids were born, I realised that all these things that people say about parenting are wrong according to the best science. Parents seem to think their kids are like clay, that you mould them into the right shape when they’re wet. A better metaphor is that kids are like flexible plastic – they respond to pressure, but when you release the pressure they tend to pop back to their original shape.
He’s got a lot of science on his side, helping make the case that “hothousing” our kids doesn’t help. On her side, Chua has her own firm beliefs and some decidedly mixed experiences. Yes, her kids excel at school and in music. But as Caplan points out, many people – including Chua’s husband – achieve that kind of excellence with the hyper-strict parenting Chua subjected her kids to. Did all her years of fighting with her girls really make a difference? Or did it just make them all unhappy?
Here’s what she says:
Some people are just self-motivated – my husband was. I also believe there are many children for whom parental involvement is key. I had academic parents and I was a good student, but when I was 14, I got into a bad crowd, my grades starting falling. My father used some tough language on me, and now, as an adult, I am so grateful. Some people don’t need parental commitment, they will still come out great, but for others, parents can be critical in providing moral and academic guidance.
Ultimately, I think both their positions are too extreme.
My own parenting style is much closer to Caplan’s than Chua’s. I tend to let my kids go a little feral, and believe that modeling a good life for them will have more impact than enforcing a lot of rules and making sure they do everything right as kids. If I want them to clean their rooms, I should keep mine clean, for example.
As a recent New York Times article pointed out, parenting style matters less to the privileged children of middle-class college graduates. There’s some baseline of parenting skill most people in my social cohort have that leads our kids to turn out pretty much OK. Parenting style matters a lot more to children in marginalized social groups.
But I do think my parenting affects my kids. I have to believe that my efforts are worth something if I’m going to keep showing up every do doing the incredibly hard work of being a mother. I don’t think I can make my kids love the violin or force into them the kind of academic discipline that gets you into Harvard. But I do think I can teach them to respect themselves and others, to be responsible for their actions and to do what they love.
As Chua says, some kids don’t need a lot of parental guidance and some really do. I want to be there as a guide for my kids in case they’re in the latter camp. I’m just not inclined to “guide” them by yelling, nor am I concerned about getting hours a day of piano practice into them. I think I can follow Caplan’s “serenity parenting” approach and still be an involved parent who’s there for my kids when they need me.
What do you think? Which of these gurus speaks more to you? Does their face-off change your impression of either of them?
Photo: zaui
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6 Comments
goddess commented on Jun 13 11 at 3:33 pmBwa ha ha ha ha!
I don’t know, but this line tickled the crap out of me:
“If I want them to clean their rooms, I should keep mine clean, for example.”
Let me know how that works for you.
When my son was around 11-13, he didn’t do as good a job cleaning his room as I’d like. I saw it one day and decided that everything that wasn’t in the right place was going in a mountain heap in the middle of the room. And I pulled every bit of stuff out from under his bed and out of his closets. Needless to say, the mountain was high and wide.
When he got home from school, I told him that he’d be going no where and doing nothing until the mountain was put away. And if I didn’t like the end result, I’d start throwing the stuff out the window.
He’s now 21 and may not keep it white-glove neat, but he KNOWS how to clean a room. And his landlord at his off campus house says his room is neater than any other she’s seen as well.
kikiriki commented on Jun 13 11 at 4:25 pmGoddess, my mom used to do that with me… it never worked. Nothing did. In my 30′s I STILL wage a personal war against my desire for cleanliness and my proclivity toward messiness. I do know how to clean, though.
Elizabeth commented on Jun 13 11 at 5:08 pmI think the key is timing and flexibility. Chua says her dad stepped in with the tough love at 14. It sounds like that was an appropriate strategy for the challenges she was presenting him. So she started the tough love when the kids were born and kept it up till they headed to college? I think it can be important to know that your parents will not tolerate anything, that there are limits and boundaries. But there needs to be freedom within them and they need to be moved back at appropriate intervals.
Dalia commented on Jun 13 11 at 9:10 pmI agree with Elizabeth!
Terra commented on Jun 14 11 at 6:48 pmI agree with Elizabeth too! Being flexible, knowing your child and adapting your parenting style is key. I grew up in a very “serenity parenting” style home, which worked fine for me as I think I was born with an independent and self-motivated type personality. However, my brother had a very different personality in which he lacked motivation, organization and drive. My parent’s style did not bode well for him as now, at age 28, he is still living at home, not working, and collecting income from various state aid programs. I wish my parents had taken more of a “Tiger Mother” approach with him!
Justthat commented on Jun 15 11 at 10:57 amGoddess, your choice worked great for you. But to say “let me know how this works out for you” is unfair to the blogger! Every child, parent and family is different. I for one agree with both of you. My mom used to tell me to read but I never once saw her sit down to enjoy a good book. I saw her doing other things that she enjoyed, like sewing. But for me as a child I learned to not respect some of the things she would say to me because she did not follow her own advice. I did learn however to be a hard worker because she taught me that by her words and her actions. So while I like what you did with your son because it taught him a lesson and he had to met your expectations. Why make a statement that assumes how this parent handles her child in her own home will/may not work for them.
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