The possibility of the daughter reading her mother’s musings at some time in the future was only one distressing aspect of Kate Tietje’s Babble post. Arguably more disturbing is the fact that Tietje wrote about a serious psychological issue and refused to acknowledge its seriousness.

Tietje fantasized about her child’s death in a piece and follow up in which she also acknowledged that her daughter reminded her of herself, her own mother favored her brother (which had been deeply painful for her), and that her daughter would have cause to complain about the unfair way in which Tietje has treated her. Many commentors implored Tietje to consider therapy to deal with her feelings and thereby protect her daughter from emotionally abusive treatment.

Tietje responded with unconcealed rage, and proceeded to deny what she had written and to edit the original piece to make it comport with her denials. Tietje had apparently written the piece in an effort to get reassurance from other mothers that her feelings were common and widely shared. She found that they were neither. Although she applauded her own “honesty” in sharing her feelings toward her daughter, she condemned the honesty of others who reacted in horror.

While the potential for Tieje’s piece to hurt her daughter in the future is distressing, far more disturbing is Tieje’s confession that she is hurting her daughter today and every day by reliving a family pattern of overtly preferring one child to another. The fact that Tietje honestly laid out all the pieces of that dysfunctional pattern, but then reacted with anger when readers connected the dots made many readers fear for Tietje’s daughter and for Tietje herself.

I could not agree more with Amy Tuteur. This mom revealed some alarming things about herself and then went ballistic when people responded to them (in a very kindly way!) by suggesting she seek help.

A good follow-up post from you might address the phenomenon of the confessional blogger who shares all manner of very personal information and then takes umbrage when people respond to it, claiming that her readers are invading her privacy and should mind their own business. What’s up with THAT?

Good advice. I’m a new participant in TRDC and I often think about this. The prompts make it easy to get caught up in the moment and say too much.

I have a few posts that felt really good to write but will stay as an unpublished draft.

I’d really like to hear how Kate Tietje plans to address this post with her daughter when she finds it someday.

I don’t think you’re a hypocrite for sharing with others what you’ve learned from past experience. Experience is always the best teacher. Unfortunately for Kate Tietje, she may have chose far too open a forum to teach herself a very difficult lesson. It’s very important to identify personal flaws, but with consideration of your audience.

I blog about my family and annoyingly to some, I try to keep it very positive. I also try to consider whether or not the information I am sharing is fair for the other person and how they would react. If I am not willing to discuss information directly with the person I am talking about it’s crossed the line.

Kate Tietje’s post is definitely one of the most shocking and unnecessary that I have ever read. Let it be a lesson to many

I want to hear more about this mother’s birth experiences, as the experience of each child’s birth has a profound affect on both mother and child, and will continue to have an impact on their relationship as they grow. I do not agree with Amy Tuteur, but that is no surprise – I never do.

Isn’t there any sort of editor who reads these posts before they go up on Babble? Maybe there should be.

The reality is that we all are drawn more to some people than to others. And I know my own mother loved me and my brother in different ways because of who she was, not because of who we were. I am not surprised Kate would feel that way. And her daughter and son will probably know how she feels whether she writes it or not. But I don’t think it is good for the rest of the world to read it and judge it.

I take care of twin boys who are fraternal. They are very different. I am surprised that I do love them equally despite their differences.

I am really interested in what Desiree O’Clair said…about the blogger’s birth experience, which she mentioned in the controversial post was not great with her daughter. This is SOOOO critical, in my opinion. Not necessarily something that should be hashed out publicly on a blog, but with a counselor if needed. I had a very empowering natural birth experience and I believe strongly that it fed (feeds) my relationship with my child. I can see how a bad birth experience could really mess someone up for some time. Still, perhaps best not dealt with in such a public, flip forum…again, if she could work through it and possibly, possibly write a book if she felt she came through it successfully enough and it really could help others. This blogging every bit of struggle one goes through as a parent is too much.

This “negative birth experience affects relationship with the child” thing is based on what? Nada. Niente. Null. It is pure ideology. Mothering should not be based on ideology!

I have two girls. One a fairly easy pregnancy, the other, in bed for twelve (that’s right, twelve) weeks with premature labor. Which one should I love more: the one who didn’t bother me while I was pregnant, or the other who is my “pearl of great price?” Answer: they are two very different people who call up very different mothering skills. I love them both fiercely, with all my heart and soul. How can I love one more, when I love them both to the max?

Katie, when blogging about your family, I think the dividing line rests on two major factors. First is the privacy of the folks you are writing about. Will going public hurt them in any way? Second, is there an overriding value to going public that offsets the loss in privacy and the potential for hurt feelings?

In no way should garnering attention for yourself come into play.

Taking your case as an example, when you went public over your son’s problems, you had to balance his privacy with trying to protect other families from tragedy and heartbreak. You weren’t writing to draw attention to yourself, and that makes the difference.

When I write about my family, it’s usually either to brag on how wonderful my kids are, to keep the rest of the family up to date, or to share something that I’ve learned, usually the hard way. One of my first posts was about how easy it is for us as parents to get wrapped up in our day to day responsibilities that we forget that to those little people living with us, we’re their heroes. We have to live up to that image, to show them the best that we can possibly be so they can aim even higher.

We all have to decide for ourselves how much to share, and why we are sharing.

So no, you aren’t being hypocritical. Unfortunately, that’s the common attack when we try to hold ourselves to a higher standard than some of those around us. When we fail, we’re called hypocrites, when in reality, we’re just human.

Dooce said it best when she said, in respect to where her boundaries are when it comes to blogging about her kids (and about anything personal), is that the boundaries shift and change. Sometimes what you think is OK one day may not be ok the next or in retrospect.

However, writing something that your child may read in the future that will definitely have a damaging impact to them – not just “if they took it the wrong way” or something, but would definitely, definitely be damaging – I think is beyond anyone’s line or boundary of comfort. She erred significantly.

By the way, I completely disagree with “SuburbanCorrespondent” that this is overblown. The strength of the response overall has not been to Tietje’s feelings (which, while ugly and harsh, are not unique), but the fact that she posted them with her name, her daughter’s name, and both of their pictures — in a format that will NEVER go away! That anyone thinks that’s OK just blows my mind.

@ MARTI, I don’t know if you realize it, but the examples you cite are about *pregnancy* not birth experience, and they are YOUR experiences…I think it’s not beyond the realm of possibility that if a woman had a really rough labor and traumatic birth experience, or she was separated from her infant, it might impact bonding in some way…no, not ALWAYS, but it’s certainly not implausible and a 10-second Google search yields a handful of studies on this, just for starters…

GP, you fail to see my point: you could make the argument that the child who arrives more easily, with less trauma, is easier to love……or the argument that the child who cost you more personally is valued more because of the sacrifices you made for her (the metaphorical pearl of great price). In reality our adjustment to mothering is more complex than you claim. It includes our own childhoods, our relationships, our support systems, etc, etc, etc, How we birth is important, but only a small part of the equation.

BTW, mother-child attachment is a legitimate field of research. Educate yourself beyond the University of Google, and stop making ridiculous statements regarding a field about which you obviously know very little.

After commenting several days ago on another blogger’s post regarding Kate Tietje’s Babble post, I discovered the version I had read was the edited, “softened” version. If you really want to get a good overall idea of how disturbing the original post must have been look no further than the countless comments among the 400+ left to see the absolute outrage, concern and disgust. And the follow up tirade of sorts at the bottom of the post where the blogger admonishes readers for assuming she meant death when she referred to it being okay if she lost her daughter but not her son made her appear even more unbalanced. I sincerely hope she seeks professional help not only for herself but for her daughter as well.

GP, you obviously aren’t reading what I wrote, but no matter.

You are right: it’s not the only factor.

More than anything, this essay made my heart hurt for the little girl. I don’t understand how a parent could love one child more than another. And I understand even less how this author could share this essay with the world. The thought of this child reading her mom’s words one day makes me want to cry. Also, if the author was trying to get some attention, mission accomplished. But if she was trying to build a loyal following, massive failure. I will not be returning to read anything she writes in the future.

I’m 53. My mother loved my little sister a bit more than she loved me. This obvious difference in the way she thought of us, was short-lived. My sister was born when I was 4; Mom went back to work when I was 7. It was only then my Mom started enjoying me. I can assure you I was not a rotten child. In fact, I think I did a lot of getting out of her hair, and being extra good, so that I wouldn’t further annoy her.

She was terribly unhappy being a stay-at-home Mom, with my Dad working shiftwork. She used to spend a lot of time crying by the window. This kind of behaviour scared the crap out of me. My baby sister — being a baby — was oblivious to her moods and became, therefore, the huggable one.

I remember how my Mom would say she was taking my sister with her to England, and leaving me here with my Dad. I can honestly say I was a good little girl, and have no idea why she loathed me so much.

I forgive her (she turned out to be a pretty fantastic Mom). But forget? No. All these years later I still feel sorry for that little girl.

I have two kids, with the same age difference between them as my sister and I. Yes, they both get different amounts of attention at different times, but I don’t have a “soft spot” for one and not the other. And I sure as hell wouldn’t have admitted it on the internet for the poor girl to read years later.

Katie, as an avid reader of your work, I can unequivocally say that you and KT are light-years apart in terms of your sense of self-responsibility, your writing acumen, and the way you choose to include your children in your writing. When appropriate, you take the “naked emperor” to task for having no clothes on … even if *you* are that emperor. You own what you write.

As a writer, KT needs to “own it”. She needs to own responsibility for her part in how she continues to fail to relate to her daughter and makes no real attempts to rectify the situation, instead laying the blame on myriad factors ranging from her unsatisfactory birth experience (oh, please) to her daughter’s whining and “high-maintenance” nature. And how about owning the very negative, possibly traumatic fall-out that is likely to occur when KT’s daughter stumbles on this piece someday?

Let’s also not forget that the child in question is THREE years old! That is an age that pretty much guarantees a measure of selfishness, limits testing, and various other types of PIA behavior. Instead of behaving like an adult, and instead of recognizing that ‘three’ is a very temporary condition, KT virtually brags about saying no to her daughter “just because she can” and finds reasons not to spend time with the kid. Hmm, perhaps the kid already senses that she is not exactly adored by her mom, and is reacting accordingly?? But to acknowledge that she is at all to blame for their lacking relationship, to OWN her part, would mean that KT would have to actually admit that she is doing little or nothing to try to change the situation. (Although in a later post she insists that she is thinking about attending a “prenatal bonding” class with her daughter. You know, because that makes more sense than just taking an honest look at her own behavior. Oy,)

KT also needs to “own it” in terms of her writing. I read both versions of her piece – the original one that included the inflammatory “lose one of the children” passage, and the edited version that altered the tone of the piece into something not-quite-so incendiary. Both KT and Babble were highly deceptive, and did readers a huge disservice by not indicating that an edit had been made, or what that edit entailed. If KT truly feels what she feels, if she wrote her own “truth”, then why the redaction? And in what is perhaps the biggest backpedal EVER, in that same post, she refers to loving her children “the same”. Well, which is it, KT? Do you love you daughter “a little less” than you love your son? Or do you love them “the same”? Own it, own it, OWN IT.

The total “F-U” post that KT then proceeded to post in the comments section of that follow-up post was inexcusable. She is a writer in a public forum who presumably gets to choose what to write about and gets paid when her pieces are published. To throw a tantrum when your readers react in a negative way to what you’ve written (and call them “INSANE” – capital letters and all) is unprofessional and should not have been tolerated by the Babble editors. Then again, I’m assuming that it was these same editors who were, for a time, deleting posts that were not disrespectful but merely dared to question the possible fall-out of what KT had written for KT’s daughter in the years to come. And, I’m assuming that it’s these same editors who ultimately closed the comments entirely, for both the original post and its follow-up. Babble isn’t a leather, hand-stitched journal, and it isn’t even a private blog – to be open to all stripes of feedback for what you write for publication in a very public forum, and to put it out there knowing that internet = forever seems to be part of the gig she signed on for.

KT claims that her own mother has had conversations with her about her feelings toward KT that were difficult but ultimately “helpful”. The obvious difference, however, is that her mother was able to control when KT received that info and that she was able to present it as a dialogue rather than in static essay form. It astounds me that KT seems unable – or unwilling – to see the difference, or to understand how potentially-traumatizing it may one day be to her daughter to stumble across the essay and the brouhaha that accompanied it.

One other issue I had with this essay, which was mentioned rarely by others, is that I truly think that KT had an underlying motive for its publication. Katie, while I know that you are a staunch advocate of breast-feeeding and AP, you never become strident about those issues in your writing, you acknowledge that there are no “absolutes”, and you have never to my knowledge written something that could be hurtful to your children just so that you could further promote your own agendas. And this is exactly what I believe that KT has done. She is essentially blaming her difficult relationship with her daughter on her birth experience, She makes comments about the “over-medicalization” of birth, as well. As an adoptee who never HAD any “birth experience” with my parents, good or bad, I truly resent the not-so-subtle suggestion that it’s not possible to be bonded to one’s child if the infant and the mother are not physically touching at all times from the get-go, or if the child is not breast-fed. My parents and I are fiercely “bonded”, and I know many, many adoptees who are bonded with their own parents as well in spite of our “lacking” early days. And as a biological parent who is extremely bonded to my own son, I can assure you that the “medicalization” of his birth – complete with a hospital setting, qualified medical professionals and resources at the ready, and an epidural – is something I’m very thankful for.

After pondering the whole “I could lose my daughter and really not care” issue, KT goes on to say that she hopes that the child she is expecting is a girl so that, in essence, she can have a “do-over” in mothering a daughter. She also writes that she and her husband follow the “Quiverful” philosophy of the Duggars, and will have as many children as G-d will allow them to have. Yes, rather than committing to maybe being a better parent to the children she HAS, she wants to birth a litter of them in a quest to somehow fulfiill “G-d’s will” or something. I can’t even begin to parse out everything sickening and misguided about what she’s saying and doing in this vein.

Sorry for the interminably long post. This obviously struck a chord in many of us, myself included. And I wanted to make sure, Katie, to let you know that, IMO, you have not come close to crossing the lines of responsible parenting/blogging the way that KT has done.

Hi Katie:

What bothers me the most about the other Kate’s article is that she secretly hopes her new baby is a girl. She’s missing out. I hope she doesn’t give up. Her little girl can be trained and she can start over again. Her girl isn’t too old to start over. It will take work, but it can be done.

I feel for her. I also can relate a little to what she’s saying. We have an 8 year old son who has early onset mental illness. He is a handful and makes our home chaos everyday with very little peace here. I admit there’s been times I haven’t liked him. I have struggled. I love my son unconditionally! I really do! We maintain residential-types of behavior everyday with him. The decisions have been very difficult regarding him. When he’s “down” and he’s making good decisions and getting better it is much easier, but we don’t see much of that.

I am sure I will get lambasted for this comment but I am being honest.

As far as my personal blog goes, I keep it pretty generic. Sometimes I write about the hard times and other times about the good, too. I do post pics of my kids and I use their real names.

Shari

Loving someone fully and completely is a choice. Period. Based on some commentary herein, adopted children don’t stand a chance. Good heavens. It’s appalling that any parent would have difficulty bonding and loving their child. Get over your own past, grow up, and give your children the love they deserve.

I just read her blogpost.

Bottom line: Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.

If my mother had written this and I’d read it, it would have been devastating.

Good sense should always prevail over “honesty,” which is vastly overrated. Of course, I probably overshare.

I do not get and never have gotten the whole “mommy blogging” phenomenon. Long before blogging hit the scene, I was turned off by “Kathie Me Gifford” prattling on and on about Cody on her show. I thought it was disgusting to pimp your family out then for attention and/or ratings and I think it is even more so now that every Ann, Mary and Jane is finding the need to reveal the most intimate details of those too young to protest such a thing.
I do truly get the need to share for reassurance. HOWEVER, this is what a friend or a therapist is for. NOT the entire world.
As an aspiring writer, I have made a pointed effort to keep other people OUT of my writing, except in the most tangential manner. Can I write about my experiences as a mother without really bringing the kid into it? Certainly. There are common threads to parenting in which the mention of the child him/herself is almost unnecessary except to confirm that yes, one is a mother. Maybe I having spent so much of my adult life in the rooms of various twelve step programs, I get the concept of “keeping it about yourself” more than a lot of other people do.
I still remember reading a recent article in some magazine written by a woman whose mother regularly wrote articles on “children and health” in the sixties. She was the subject of her mothers articles and her entire childhood battle with her weight and her mothers navel gazing about the same was laid out for all to see. I thought of mommy bloggers and how it may come back to bite them years from now. Her mother still didn’t quite get why the daughter was so POed because after all, the mother was “just doing her job”
Now I need to copy and past this because I may have a blog post mostly laid out for moi. I just did my own work!!!

It’s unfortunate that this woman has chosen a line of work that she does very badly. She’s young, pregnant, convinced of the correctness of her alternative views, and she has seriously poor judgment. In her line of work, errors are nailed to the barn door and they cause real harm. It’s not just that post; look at the more recent one on raising boys versus girls: it’s just plain shallow and ignorant and she’s becoming ever more defensive of her views because of the attacks, something that really doesn’t bode well for the future. There should be some sort of Hippocratic oath for mommy bloggers: “First, do no harm…” I’m glad there’s a kind of sisterhood in operation and that wise advice can reach her, even if she chooses not to listen.

I LIKE some of my children more than others. I LOVE them all the same. And I’m not going to tell anybody which ones I LIKE better (which changes, anyway). I’m definitely not going to write it down, sign it, and post it on my blog.

Perhaps she realized that she need to come up with a controversial topic to attract traffic since her writing skills were certainly not going to take her anywhere. Seriously, her post was unpleasant to read because of the poor writing almost as much as the subject matter.

i don’t get the whole mommy blog thing either. I started reading katie’s blog because a friend told me she had also lost a son to addiction, as I had, and I have followed that part of the story. usually the other stuff she blogs about I don’t read, but I do find henry’s and his family’s story, compelling. so much of the stuff i have stumbled upon in mommy blogs sounds like things the author should be sharing with her close friends, family or signficant other, or yes, maybe a counselor, clergy, not the whole world. yikes. not every thought we have is relevant, interesting, or needs to be shared with strangers.

I tend to over share my life on my blog, but I protect people’s true identities. I do my best to ensure that if you read one of my stories you do not know the actual person in the story. Even the people who know me personally do not know exactly who I may be referring to. Hopefully you take a moment to read one and you may be able to relate in some way to your own experience and be able to laugh at me and at yourself.
Read my over sharing -> http://www.austinwdallas.com/content/the-girls-that-end-in-e.html

What matters is the child lives everyday with the emotional damage her mother is inflicting on her by not loving her enough. I don’t even think it matters that she published this post on the Internet. The child already feels her mothers lack of unconditional love.

What matters is this women is struggling to raise a child that she is does not love unconditionally, and she needs therapeutic help to stop the cycle of emotional abuse towards her daughter.

What I find amazing is that so many women imagine that people care about their day to day lives. The whole genre of mommyblogging has gotten out of hand and has incited a level of navel-gazing that is probably not healthy. People used to write in journals when they wanted to express themselves. Mommyblogging fits into that category of pathetic American traits around “look at me.” It is no coincidence that mommyblogging and reality tv shows are currently so popular.

I do not believe in sharing my deepest inner thoughts unless I feel that they could truly help someone else. And even then, I would never write anything that I feel could come back and harm my child in someway. I often think, if my child reads what I just wrote about them, what will they think about it in 15-20 years?

Also, it’s seriously shockingly unprofessional and dishonest of Babble to have edited her original essay, but given NO indication that it has been edited (and of course, closed comments so her tender feelings aren’t hurt).

I don’t believe in favoritism though i do believe that sometimes it might APPEAR that you favor a child more.I distinctly remember my mother telling me (when my kids were 1 and 4) that my eldest was obviously my favorite.My mom lived overseas and it was the first time she had met my one year old.My 4 year old DEMANDED my time and attention…thats the kind of child she was…while my baby was the happiest baby you ever met…a social butterfly who would just as happily keep herself occupied for ages.I was absolutely shocked and horrified at my mothers comment, yet i can see how an outsider would look at the situation and think that i was playing and interacting more with the older child…because i was…It didn’t mean she was my favorite! I will openly admit that I prefer toddlers and older children to babies…I am not a “baby” person ..for a lot of people its the other way around….At NO stage did i feel that i loved one daughter more then the other.I agree with suburban correspondent…there are times you will feel closer to one child….now that my girls are 7 and 10 I actually feel closer to my younger child as the older one matures and wants less of my time while the younger still wants me around all the time for love and cuddles.The blogger is entitled to her feelings and while we might not agree with her decision to put her feelings out in the open..we also need to respect her right to do so.I do think she will find her feelings will change constantly over time.

” if you read the hundreds of comments on the essay , you will find many from women who thank the essayist for saying something out loud that they themselves had previously been afraid to admit.”

I just want to throw out there that I had written two thoughtful, yet critical comments on her initial blog and they were removed by the moderator. Others complained of the same thing happening to them.

I believe that many, many “negative” responses were deleted and that is just so wrong. When reading a story about this blog on Jezebel.com I noticed, there are over 25,000 comments (almost exclusively critical) to the one story and over 35,000 comments (also almost all negative) to the other story linking to this bloggers posts. Differences in demographics and even the way the story was framed by the Jezebel piece can’t account for such a huge discrepancy. No way.

Not only is it personally frustrating to have your comments deleted, but it also gives readers of the comment section an inaccurate view of readership feedback.

@Kay (3/21, 4:43 PM), Wow, thanks so much for the very kind words! There’s just so much wrong with this entire situation that I keep shaking my head as a new “wrong thing” pops into my mind. And yes … The fact that there was absolutely NO mention by Babble about how the initial post had been edited – or even that it HAD been edited, period – is completely unprofessional, unethical, and just plain crap. And closing comments for several of poor, misunderstood KT’s posts (I was going to refer to her as “the writer”, but decided to be “honest”) was just the icing on the cake. (See, I’m shaking my head again … ;-)

@ Linda. No it is not. Using my full name was in response to another poster’s criticism of “anonymous” comments last year in general. Nobody else uses their full name, though, so, why should I? I am not saying anything wrong, nor did I last year. My comments last year were NOT directed TO KAG, they were ABOUT her situation…and I stand by my stated opinion on that, although I agree I did not have to reiterate it so many times in so many ways. Still, since you bring it up, I do find it odd/curious/etc. that KAG would choose to so magnanimously offer “advice to a young blogger.” I will take the high road, though, and not further bring KAG’s story to this thread and I would advise you to do the same, if you think you are so high, too. I guess you, like the mommy bloggers, may need to get a life.

Linda and Gretchen – First of all, thank you both for reading and commenting. And also, I am perfectly okay with readers discussing my son’s struggle with addiction and his death, here or elsewhere. I am grateful to have the opportunity to share Henry’s story, as painful as it is for me personally, because so very many people have told me that it’s impacted their views on addiction, and that it’s encouraged them to speak more clearly and often to their own kids about drugs. – Katie

@GP, also if “Gretchen Powers” is your real name (which you claim, but I doubt) how are you any different than the mom bloggers? You post about your daughter on here every single day. It would seem that all your momblogger criticism also applies directly to you. Is that why you switched to GP for this thread?

Yes, the removing of comments that don’t support the author is just poor and I think that it happened a lot on those two blog posts. According to Tietje’s most recent post, the author has authority to remove posts themselves, um… conflict of interest? Especially when others (such as this post) site activity on the comments. There really should be some disclaimer that the author can remove comments or they should be moderated by someone else.

The other huge, HUGE issue I have with her piece is that she did alter the post to exclude this sentence, “I think it wouldn’t be so bad if I lost my daughter, as long as I never had to lose my son.” I mean, really thank god she obviously saw how inappropriate that statement is. But, there is no mention from the editor or the author that there was a change in the story. I know these are “just” bloggers, but really do they have any editorial standards at all?

wow. I know I’m late to this party — babble hiatus for awhile — but I just read this post and comments, and then the original Tietje post. I guess that I’m opening myself up to “terrible parent” criticism, but I didn’t think that it was that bad. Then again, I’ve also engaged in Sophie’s CHoice-type imaginings (I won’t say “fantasizing,” as someone above did), and I don’t think that it’s that uncommon. I just saw “S’sC” this year, and of course it prompted me to think, “What would I do?” in such a situation! And then, as KT says in her essay, I immediately want to go and hug all three kids. For the record, I’ve also contemplated if I’d rather have my husband die or divorce me — die, for the record; I think that I’m just prone to morbid imaginings. But they’re nothing more than that! It’s like watching a movie. I’ve always had a vivid and active imagination, and this is one way it’s evolved in adulthood.

I also sympathize with KT on her kids different personalities. My eldest son is like her daughter — defiant (on bad days), not such a cuddler, independent. My younger two, especially the baby, love to snuggle and don’t *react* to things in the same way my eldest does. My husband says that #1 has inherited all of his worst traits — hot-headedness, emotional roller coaster, intensity. These are the things about my husband that bug me most, so is it any wonder that I clash with his clone, our eldest child? That doesn’t mean that I love him less, though it does sometimes mean that I have to slow down and remind myself that I love him, he’s not just trying to get under my skin, and even if he is, it’s my responsibility to show him appropriate behavior. I can totally understand KT’s sentiments, though, yeah, maybe I would disagree with publishing them so publicly. I do hope that her relationship with her eldest daughter grows much closer, so that when her daughter is older, the daughter will be able to look back and realize how much her mom has overcome these inclinations.

And I totally agree with Suburban Correpsondent above: My “favorite” kid is pretty much whichever one I’m looking at in any given moment, and BABIES TRUMP ALL!

@CHILAURA, if you *just* read the article, you read the cleaned up version. The original was much worse. It was edited and republished with no acknowledgement of such due to the neagtive feedback.

I will add that if a blogger has the b–ls to write a controversial essay, she needs to employ those same b–ls and own it when it blows up. I’d still personally be uncomfortable with it, but I might actually respect her for going there.

It is just extraordinarily upsetting to see what this woman has written. I very much despair for her children when they grow old enough to read them.

When I read the original essay, I couldn’t help but wonder if I was being baited, and fed something which was written, premeditatively, with Oprah in mind. Someone looking to fill Tiger Mom’s worn out shoes. Then I started to wonder how accountable we should hold parenting websites for influencing naive new mom bloggers, using them per se, to drive traffic with gratuitously viral content. I could be completely off the mark. I am a blogger who shares too much as well, and, believe me, I am constantly feeling that pressure to push out of my comfort zone to “keep up with the Tweeters and the Stumblers.”

The mom blogger audience is a hungry and demanding bunch. Writing about how much you love and embrace every aspect of motherhood, unless you are SouleMama, just doesn’t seem to interest anyone. Write an article about how much you love your husband, get 5 comments. Write one about how much you hate him, get inundated with commentary high fives. It’s kind of alarming.

Long story short, this whole affair, smacks of … I don’t know, trying too hard to be provocative and controversial. The essay just didn’t come off as genuine to me. Did anyone else feel this way?

Do you commenters hate all women, or just Kate T?

I want to start out by saying that I love Katie A G’s blog on Babble as well as her personal blog, and have been following both for almost a year now. In general I think Babble’s presence in the online parenting community is fantastic and pure in its honesty, candor, and variety of perspectives and stances.

But I can’t believe the gall of that woman, or of Babble throughout this situation. As you said, Katie, I think that she genuinely feels as though she’s being brave by speaking about the subject. It’s quite evident in both of her posts, especially in the follow-up, which she begins by claiming that everyone who takes issue with her first post is just projecting their own relation to the topic on her. Uh, what? I’m sure she’s not the first mother to think some of those thoughts and that she believes, in publishing them, she is getting at a taboo subject that should be discussed in a community of mothers and fathers. She needs professional mental and emotional counseling–intensive therapy and probably lots of it. That is not meant to be a derogatory comment towards her, it is simply THE ONLY PLACE she should be talking about the issue she has in its current state. If, in a few years, whens he has conquered feelings which emotionally neglect her oldest child, she would like to come back and reflect on her experiences in therapy, learning to love a child to whom she’s never felt bonded, that’s one thing. That is actually HELPFUL and WORTHY of the discussion. But to throw out such sentiments and then use the “at least I’m being honest about not being a perfect mother” line? That’s an untruth. Quite frankly she’s emotionally scarring a young child and leaving her with baggage they may never overcome–she’s not even a DECENT mother. And her idea that her new pregnancy is going to replace the relationship she doesn’t have with her oldest daughter? Horrifying. This lady does NOT need another dependent. More aptly, her daughter does NOT need ANOTHER sibling to feel replaced by and take up all of her mother’s love and attention.

I have a big issue with Babble over the topic of this blogger though, too. First, its editors decided to edit content out post-publishing, not just in her first blog, but in the subsequent self-defense post as well. I understand it’s common practice to proof essays before publishing, but they edited out some of the most damning and offensive material one of their blogger’s conjured up… after they let it slide past their proofing the first time. (Honestly? There are very few things you can get away with comparing to the Holocaust these days–who DOES that?) Then, they disallow comments after a very short time because people are rightfully personally attacking the woman. Her post was personal, of course the people who vehemently disagree with her will respond personally. So, Babble creates real discussions in the real online parenting community… but then changes their mind. Great approach. I’d rather see an apologetic post from them saying they decided to remove the post(s) because they are embarrassed of their editors’ and blogger’s decision to publish a blog that is so misaligned with their alleged mission. Shame on you, Babble, for the way you’ve handled the entire situation. You should encourage your employee not to return to posting at Babble unless and until she seeks therapy she and her family desperately need.