babble » blogs » Strollerderby
Strollerderby
How Long is Too Long to Be Away From Mom and Dad?
Being away from home -- how much is okay?
I know I’m approximately the 100 millionth parent to struggle with the question of being away from her most precious human being.
I’ve read the research on healthy and happy kids in daycare (indeed, I share it with my readers a lot).
I loved my son’s daycare and I love his preschool — packed with valuable experiences like building community, learning to trust other adults, forming relationships, and yes, smearing himself with clay. That all happens while he’s away from me during the day, and it sounds pretty great.
So why is it something I struggle with on almost a daily basis?
Every morning, my son has a routine: I pick him out of bed, he sleepily rests and cuddles on my lap on the couch (possibly my favorite time of the day). And then he asks,
“Is it a school day?”
“Yes, lovie, it’s a school day.”
“Whhhyyy?!” he whines. My heart breaks a little. I ride a fine line between playing dumb (really, I’m surprised you don’t want to go to school!) and acknowledging his feelings. Something like, “I hear you little buddy. It’s hard to start the day sometimes.”
Because that’s what it really seems to be: we struggle with transitions, not really with being at school. Indeed, when I pick him up most days — his face covered in paint, sweaty from running and excited about story time — he’s telling me he doesn’t want to come home. He’s in the groove, and it’s just flat out hard to move from one place to another, home to school, school to home.
So for the most part, my struggle isn’t over whether or not being away from me is bad for him, although in my more vulnerable moments those thoughts do knock around in my head. I never imagined myself not working and at the end of the day I know that (beyond the financial reality), we are a happier family with me as a working parent. But even if I know that intellectually, it doesn’t change the fact that we miss each other and I have so little control over his world for all that time during the week.
So when he asks if it’s a school day and the answer is “no,” we look at each other, laugh and share a giddy moment of excitement and (though I don’t show it to him) I feel a sense of relief. Today he can relax and take things at his own speed. And for this day, I can just be a mom.
Read about the personal struggles 6 other parents try to hide from their kids.
Image: flickr
Go Back To Strollerderby
12 Comments
e commented on Mar 16 11 at 3:55 pmOh, thank you for writing this. We’re going through the exact same thing. After scrimping and saving for me to be home for 2 1/2 years, my wife had to take a pay cut to keep her job and I had to get a full time job. My son asks every morning, “What are we doing today?” and when I tell him we’re going to school it’s a “I want to stay home with yoooouuuu!” whine. But then, at the end of the day he doesn’t want to leave school. It is so, so, so much harder than I thought it would be, and ‘m surprised by how much of it seems to be about the transition.
Truly, thank you for writing this and letting me know I’m not the only one…
andrea commented on Mar 16 11 at 4:35 pmPeople hardly ever feel guilty about doing the right thing. Guilt is a good sign that you are doing something wrong. Children are not evolved to spend hours upon hours upon hours away from their primary caregiver. Every part of their brain and body is designed to stay in contact with Mama. Because they are so vulnerable.
Feeling wrong is often the result of doing wrong. And children are small for such a short time.
How sad.
heatherturgeon commented on Mar 16 11 at 4:49 pmE, you’re so welcome – we need to be able to share these struggles with each other, don’t we? Thank you for your thoughtful response.
holly commented on Mar 16 11 at 4:57 pm@Heather is talking about transitions. My favorite part of the day is also the cuddle before I leave the house. It would not be as sweet if it lasted for hours on end! @Andrea is singing her same old song, let’s all just hum over the top, shall we?
Meredith Carroll commented on Mar 16 11 at 4:59 pm@Heather — So true. It’s about the transitions, which is something that’s tough for all kids to grasp. The grass is always greener. But the fact that he adjusts so easily means he is that secure in how loved he is, and clearly your situation works well for your family, which is all that matters. Show me a mother with no guilt and I’d say she’s a mom without a heart.
Bri529 commented on Mar 16 11 at 5:14 pm@Heather-Thanks for this article! It’s nice to hear from other moms who go through the same thing. :)
holly commented on Mar 16 11 at 5:15 pm@meredith – well said!
Lisa commented on Mar 16 11 at 8:04 pmI don’t feel guilty sending my sons to daycare all day. They learn a lot, get to play with friends and learn how to solve conflicts.
They enjoy their school. Yes, they would like hang out in their underpants and do nothing some mornings but that doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy school.
Jan commented on Mar 16 11 at 8:30 pm@Andrea. Do you need help down from your high (self-righteous) horse? To each family their own and may you find peace in yours.
Angela commented on Mar 17 11 at 8:57 amI agree with what others have said. My son is 2 and he often drags his feet when it comes to getting ready to go to the park or other activity that he loves because he’s so absorbed in the here and now. For him having to get dressed and sit down to eat breakfast are boring and he resists even if he knows it will result in fun. On the days that I work it’s also not uncommon for him to put up a struggle when I come to pick him up from the sitter either. I don’t take it personally. Like others have said, it’s the transitions kids have a hard time with. Ironically though there’s actually fewer transitions on days that I work. Once he’s at the sitter’s he can spend the day playing with his friends but days that I’m home there’s usually at least a couple of errands that have to be run so it’s not like he’s any happier then.
CDN Andrea commented on Mar 17 11 at 9:14 amI’ve changed my screen name so as not to be confused with that “other” Andrea: I work full-time, partly out of economic need, partly because I like my job (mostly). I think kids are like us. Some mornings, my 2 1/2 year old son sweetly waves bye-bye and toddles off to spend the day without me, some days he really wants mommy to stay home. Some days, I’m quite happy to go to work, other days I want to stay in bed and cuddle with my husband or sons. Neither the work nor the lazing in bed is intrinsically good or bad (ok the lazing in bed always feels good but it’s nice to keep the lights on). I think our kids, like us, sometimes we just don’t feel like…..
jessie commented on Mar 18 11 at 2:03 pmWhat a great article; very sweet. I have great respect for working mothers and am actually a little envious (not that I think you all have it any easier). I am a stay-at-home mom, mostly for financial reasons, and would love the opportunity to work at least part-time, and I think my kids would LOVE preschool. My daughter and I are so much alike and both very social by nature, and my son gets bored very easily…at least, with the stuff I can think of to do! : ) As much as I love that I haven’t missed much (1st steps, 1st words, etc.), I am excited for them to have more of an educational opportunity, if you will. (and for me to have more of an opportunity to continue developing my own skills as an individual.) I love my kids, and I know they love me, but I need a break from them and they most certainly get sick of me by the end of the day, too! :) Variety is the spice of life, right? :)
Add your take:
Note: Babble is a supportive, diverse community. We encourage a range of opinions,
but any unduly hostile comments will be removed.
Comments are delayed up to 15 minutes
Joslyn Gray 
Amber Doty 
Julianna Miner 
Monica Bielanko 
Sierra Black 
Meredith Carroll 
Carolyn Castiglia 
Sunny Chanel 
Madeline Holler 
Wendy Michaels 
Rebecca Odes 
Danielle Smith 
Danielle Sullivan 
Katherine Stone 
The Walt Disney Company supports Babble as a platform dedicated to honest, engaged, informed, intelligent and open conversation about parenting. However, the opinions expressed on this site are those of individual parents/writers and do not reflect the views of Disney. In addition, content provided on this site is for entertainment or informational purposes only and should not be construed as medical advice, diagnosis, treatment, or safety advice.
12