Seeing life through rose-colored glasses can make your marriage better

People are happiest when they’re married to someone who is stunningly attractive, smart, witty, successful and a perfect match for them in nearly every way. Who wouldn’t be happy with a perfect mate, right?

If you can’t have perfection, though, don’t worry. Research shows that believing your spouse is the cat’s pajamas will lead you to a happier marriage, even if it’s not true. In other words, keep those rose-colored glasses firmly in place when gazing at your honey, even if you’ve been together lo these many years.

You’ll have a have a happier ever after if you keep right on seeing Prince Charming snuggled up beside you than if you come down to earth and try to love the real man you married, warts and all. Guys, the same holds true for you: self-delusion about how great your spouse is = happier marriage.

The Boston Globe reports on a study that showed people with unrealistically good impressions of their partners have happier marriages. Researchers found that when people inflated their partner’s assets in looks, creativity, intelligence and athletics, they reported happier marriages. Thinking well of their partner seemed to insulate these self-deluded individuals from the normal decline in marital satisfaction that sets in as soon as the newlywed phase wears off. It was as if they held on to the perfect image of their spouse that they had on their wedding day.

While it’s taken science till now to demonstrate this, it seems like common sense: focusing on faults is going to make you less happy than focusing on a person’s strengths.

My question is: this works on  marriages, does it also work with kids?

Probably. We know that children respond better to being told they are good at something than to being tasked to improve. Experiments with school children have shown that telling a class theirs is the cleanest classroom in the school will make them keep it clean, even if it was a sty to start with. By the same token, telling ourselves that our children are more perfect than they really are might inspire both parent and child to greater heights of awesomeness. Or at least prevent necks from being wrung come homework time.

The phrase “only a mother could love” didn’t come from nowhere. There are plenty of traits about our children that seem heartwarming or brilliant to us but merely average (or annoying) to an onlooker. Part of our role as parents is to always see the best in our children, even when they’re screwing up.

What illusions do you cherish about your loved ones?

Photo: DerekGavey

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