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What My Kids Need To Know About Love: Love Comes In Many Forms
Love can take many forms
At the first meeting of my daughter’s school’s PTA group on diversity, we go around the room and talk about what makes our families weird. No one says “weird.” We say diverse, unique, special, different. I mean “weird” though as in “so different you might not like me any more once you know about it.”
When it’s my turn, I stutter for a moment before coming out with it: My husband and I have an open marriage. Hardly a topic for a discussion on diverse families, you might think. What you do in your bedroom is your business, please keep it there.
You’d be right, and I won’t tell you about my sex life with my girlfriend. Leaving the metaphorical bedroom doors closed though, having more than one romantic partner makes our family different. I was late to this meeting because I picked my girlfriend’s daughter up from school. There are plenty of ways polyamory alters the shape of my whole family life, not just my sleeping arrangements.
My partners’ kids are among my kids’ best friends. Closer than friends really, more like cousins — kids who are in our family but don’t live in our house. And that’s how they see their parents’ other loves, too — people who love them, who are part of our family, but don’t live in our house.
We pick each other’s kids up from school, vacation together, make grocery runs and do laundry when someone is sick. We do all the things people do for those they love. We just do them in a broader, more complex network than most families.
One of the joys and challenges of living in a poly family is modeling this kind of love for the kids. As they grow older, they see that their moms and dads are different. In nearly ten years of parenting in this community, I’ve never seen a kid harmed by their parents’ poly relationships (unless the parents divorced, but that happens in the straight world, too).
We live in a pretty tight-knit community of other poly folks, so my kids see plenty of different family relationships: families with a triad of parents living together, families with single parents, families with gay and lesbian parents, households with adults who are not romantically involved but are raising kids together, and traditional nuclear families.
Some of the parents in their world are married, some are not. Some are happy, some are not. For them, all these permutations of love are the norm. It’s the world they were born into, and it’s what adults do: They have friends, spouses, girlfriends and boyfriends, sometimes more than one at a time.
My kids are young. I haven’t sat them down like I did my mom and said, “This woman is my girlfriend. I am in love with her.” I just live my life: They see me hold her hand. They’ve probably caught us stealing a kiss during a movie. They know this person is special in my life.
More importantly, they know they’re special, that the adults around them love them, care for them, and can be relied on to help them with anything they need. They’re growing up secure, attached and confident, with all the love they want all around them. That’s a good life for a kid, in any shape it takes.
Read what 7 other Strollerderby bloggers want their kids to know about love.
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[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Larry Agresto, Sierra Black. Sierra Black said: V-day is coming, and everyone is thinking about love. Here's my take. … http://soc.li/65SOH1i [...]
Tweets that mention Polyamory And Parenting Can Work | Strollerderby -- Topsy.com commented on Feb 09 11 at 10:35 amRachel Shadoan commented on Feb 08 11 at 6:32 pmThanks so much for posting this, Sierra! I am relatively newly in an open relationship, which where I live is an unusual arrangement indeed! It is nice to hear that it works for other people, especially Real Adults(TM)! It is so great not to feel like my future is going to be hopelessly weird and chaotic.
Thank you again, and if you know of any other good resources on the subject, I would be delighted to investigate those!
It's Not Like a Cat commented on Feb 08 11 at 8:56 pmGreat post!
Meagan commented on Feb 08 11 at 9:32 pm… You tell us you announced to the PTA that you’re poly… And then you don’t tell us their reactions!? Awww c’mon! :)
And sure this is a good topic for diversity in families.
AnotherJessica commented on Feb 08 11 at 11:31 pmI am more than willing to be that if a guy had posted this, the responses wouldn’t have been quite so fuzzy-wuzzy.
Mary commented on Feb 09 11 at 6:55 pmWe’re currently about to have our first kid – me, my husband, and my husband’s girlfriend. We don’t all live together (though we might share a bigger place one day) but we are all three parents.
When we told our doctor that we were trying to start a family, she said, “Some kids aren’t even lucky enough to have one loving parent, let alone two. And yours will have three! What a lucky child!”
Larissa commented on Feb 10 11 at 12:57 amAs a monogamous person with many poly friends, I have to say this post strikes me as gender-neutral. Most poly guys are sane and thoughtful and I could very easily imagine any number of my friends (male or female) saying essentially the same thing Sierra has said here.
Snarky Mama commented on Feb 10 11 at 4:02 pmWow, announcing such a “weird” fact about your family at a PTA meeting seems like a very courageous act. If the members of your PTA are anything like mine, I’m sure there was quite a diverse reaction, to say the least. Good for you, Sierra!
As a monogamous person who tries to balance the needs of 2 jobs, 3 kids and 1 husband, I would love to hear how the day-to-day aspects of your life play out. Nothing sexy, but the boring stuff: who’s making dinner tonight and who is at that dinner? Things like that.
Sierra Black commented on Feb 10 11 at 4:15 pm@Snarky Mama: It’s plays out in what I think of as a normal way: things are pretty chaotic. There are more people in the system, which means there are more demands on my time, but also more people helping out and taking up slack when I drop a ball. I pick my girlfriend’s daughter up from school on days when she has to work late. She springs for take-out on days when I’m watching all the kids through dinnertime. Last year when my whole family got sick, she helped me take my youngest to the ER while my husband stayed home with our other sick kid.
It’s pretty great actually. I often wonder how monogamous people can do all the work of running a household without other partners to call on and share the burdens and joys with, though of course I know that’s how most people do it.
Snarky Mama commented on Feb 11 11 at 3:07 pmI am often asked how I can “handle” 3 kids (usually by parents of 1 or 2), but it was just the way our family evolved. In turn, I wonder how they deal without having all that extra love, fun and craziness that the 2nd and 3rd kids bring to our lives. Which is apparently the same difference between understanding monogamous vs. poly lifestyle. Huh. Thanks for such a great answer!
christine commented on Feb 13 11 at 11:49 pmThank you!! This is what I want my (future) kids to know about love, too, and my fantasy of how it will play out looks a lot like your life. I do think ahead, though, about things like school, and other parents’ judgements — depending on where we get to live, we might not be able to be as out, I don’t know… I look forward to reading about how these conversations play out with your kids over the years. :)
akcbrsmom commented on Feb 14 11 at 8:32 amThank you so much for sharing your “weird” family situation! I was unaware that there are many polyamory families. I live in a state which was the first to allow gay/lesbian marriage. A recent conversation had me wondering if that meant that I could then marry my best friend and stay married to my husband. My girlfriend and I have been in love for over 20 yrs. I am happily married to my best guyfriend who I’m also in love with and have been for 14 yrs. He and I were attracted to one another from the moment we met in 1985 but it took awhile before we realized that we were in love and that fact wouldn’t harm our friendship it would only make it better. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to be married to my two best friends! And when she marries the man whom she is inlove with she will then have a wife and a husband.
Mithrana commented on Feb 20 11 at 3:27 pmI live in a monogamous poly-triad. My husband and I moved to a bigger house about 4 years ago so we could move our girlfriend in with us. My husband and I had a son 2 years ago, but we are all three his parents. I’m really happy to see other people talking about how their poly relationships are arranged. We had already planned to let our PTA know that we are all three equal parents when my son starts school. We are also planning on my husband and our wife (no, not legally, but in our minds) to have a child too, and we’ll all be equal parents there as well. As more people step forward to claim poly status, I’m really optimistic for our future.
Nessa commented on Jul 23 11 at 5:00 amThank you so much for this! I’ve actually saved this for when my husband and I move in with our girl and boyfriend! It’s a four way poly and we plan to raise our kids in it right from the get go. It’s gonna be a big help since we’re looking at a total of 5 or 6 kids. But seeing that it’s more common then I though really makes me feel better about it and raising kids in such a life THANKS!
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