I'm sure most tiara wearing toddlers are just fine. Their parents, however...

There are few things that turn me off more than overbearing, overprotective and over-involved parents. You know the type. The ones who misconstrue the importance of their kid as he or she relates to the rest of the world. The ones who act as if the very well-being of planet Earth is somehow closely tied to the development their child. The ones who constantly carry their kid in public despite the fact he or she’s nearly 8. The ones who constantly interrupt you at cocktail parties to brag about even the most mundane of their little savant’s precious accomplishments.

Yup. Overbearing, overprotective and over-involved parents aren’t my deal at all. So why am I going to dedicate an hour of my life to watch the season premier of Toddlers & Tiaras tonight?

It’s a fair question. But to answer it, I first have to tell you the 5 reasons why I’ve never watched Toddlers and Tiaras.

1. JonBenet Ramsey. Whether it’s okay for me to admit this or not, there’s no way I could ever see a toddler in a tiara and not think about that horrible story. What happened to JonBenet Ramsey was a tragedy on so many different levels. Our nation’s morbid preoccupation with her and the entire episode, while good-intentioned, still bordered on moral ineptitude.

2. Reality Shows. There are very few reality shows I care for. In my opinion, they have lowered the bar of the celebrity to a vile and talentless level. If I were to sum up my argument in two words, it be the following ones: Kate Gosselin. Given I don’t like reality shows as a whole, I think it’s a virtual certainty that I wouldn’t like Toddlers and Tieras.

3. Overbearing, Overprotective and Over-involved Parents. Though I’ve literally never even seen a commercial for the show, the title alone tells me all I need to know. Any parent who pushes their toddlers to compete in beauty contests would likely be ones whom I would consider overbearing, overprotective and over-involved. And as you already know, such types turn me off.

4. Emotional Bankruptcy. By and large, I suspect these parents are emotionally bankrupt—pathetic entities craving vicarious validation and acceptance like a fiend craves crack. So great is their subconscious demand, they are willing to leverage their four year old to satisfy it. They are unknowingly mis-wiring their kids at a very young age for that very same brand of emotional bankruptcy. I’m not sure which need is greater: therapy for the parents now, or therapy for the kids in about 20 years.

5. I Don’t Do Beauty. Generally speaking, I’m not big on beauty contests. No matter how old the contestants are. And even if, traditionally speaking, that had not been the case, this woman would have pretty much ruined it for me forever. I personally believe many of my fellow U.S. Americans would agree. The ones who have maps, that is. I personally believe that many U.S. Americans don’t have maps.

Wow. That felt great. Nothing like a broad stroke of the brush every now and again, right? Which brings me to the reason why I’m actually going to watch the season premier of Toddlers and Tiaras tonight.

If something is going to draw that much ire from me, I may as well take a peek to make sure I’m on target.

Much like I suspect of the parents on the show, tonight I’m seeking validation, as I believe watching just one episode of Toddlers and Tiaras will confirm my negative suspicions. Unlike the parents on the show, however, the validation I seek has nothing to do with my toddlers. In fact, I just put them to bed.

I’ll check back in after the show to tell you what I thought. In the meanwhile, don’t hesitate to tell me what you think. Have you seen the show? Do you like it? Am I off base with my assumptions?

Image: stock.xchng

John Cave Osborne’s personal blog.
John Cave Osborne’s book website.

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