babble » blogs » Strollerderby
Strollerderby
Public Vows: Crowing About the Affair that Started a Second Marriage
Is it appropriate to publicly boast about your love if it was borne out of an affair?
The Vows column in yesterday’s New York Times Styles section started off benignly enough:
“What happens when love comes at the wrong time?” it asked.
The answer is the story that led Carol Anne Riddell and John Partilla to exchange marital vows recently in a clerk’s office. It wasn’t a splashy or spectacular wedding, but then again, they had enough drama leading up to their “I do’s” that perhaps a low-key affair seemed more appropriate. And appropriate is an interesting choice of words for a couple that left their spouses for each other, and then decided to let The New York Times write about it.
Carol Anne and her first husband, and John and his first wife were all initially friends with each other when they developed feelings for each other, which each say they tried to deny, but ultimately decided they were “brave enough to hold hands and jump” into leaving their families behind and blending a new one together.
Who’s to say or judge what’s right or wrong in someone else’s life, and when and if there’s ever a right time or reason to break up a family. But at what point do you decide — particularly when you both have children and, presumably, heartbroken former spouses — that letting the most celebrated newspaper in the country spotlight your illicit love is a good choice for any of the involved parties?
Is it possible that a friend or publicist thought this could help repair their public personas, particularly since the story of their relationship had been become “fodder for neighborhood gossip”? They’re both no strangers to the spotlight — she’s a former reporter for New York’s NBC affiliate and he’s about to become the CEO of a Japanese advertising agency — and maybe they thought that by getting ahead of the story, by announcing what they argue is the legitimacy of their love, they could repair some of the damage to their reputations, and maybe even help their kids get over the pain and loss of their broken families. Some might argue that the Vows column was an obnoxious and loud means to an end, but then again, some might argue simply leaving your spouse for someone else is, too.
Is there ever a good time to go so public with the story of leaving your family? Like Brad Pitt (according to ex-wife Jennifer Aniston), could one or both of them be missing a sensitivity chip? Was their kids Googling their story not ever a concern? Were the feelings of their former spouses (and again, by extension, their kids) not taken into consideration?
By all means, celebrate your love, and even in The New York Times Styles section if you really see a need, but maybe for your next wedding (you know, in case the whole soul mate thing doesn’t work out the second time around) you might opt to have it run with the regular announcements instead of as the big, splashy featured one.
Do you think it was appropriate for them to allow their relationship to be featured so prominently, or was it insensitive?
Image: Wikimedia Commons
Go Back To Strollerderby
0 Comments
John Cave Osborne commented on Dec 20 10 at 5:11 pmI just got off the phone with Vegas. The O/U has been set at 3-1/2 years. I’m on the under.
Meredith Carroll commented on Dec 20 10 at 5:42 pm@John: The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Nicky's mom commented on Dec 20 10 at 5:49 pmI don’t see anything wrong with their story. Seems like they handled the whole (painful and humiliating) situation pretty well. Sometimes marriages don’t work out, and it’s great when the parties initiating the breakup can be considerate of their current partners. But I do think that running their story in such a public forum is tacky and inappropriate. The NYTimes is where you send your story if you want everyone you know to read it. Not the best idea for this couple, their kids, or their ex-spouses. Not to mention the terrible writing in the announcement.
Meredith Carroll commented on Dec 20 10 at 5:56 pmThanks for your comment, @Nicky’s Mom. I think they brought the pain and humiliation on all by themselves before The New York Times — and I’m not judging whether their relationship is right or wrong — it’s not for me to say. But I agree that letting the NY Times write about it was a poor choice.
Maggie commented on Dec 20 10 at 9:14 pmI’m having a recurring fantasy. It goes something like this: I want journalists to tell me “what happened” — just the facts. I want columnists to express their opinions — their own opinions, if possible, or at least the opinions of a group they expressly speak for (such as, say, the editorial board of the newspaper).
But I don’t want anyone to ask me, or “all of you readers” to vote on what someone else has done. To me, the whole “What do you think: Should Public Figure A have done this? or not?” is the tackiest part of this piece. I think the whole divorce and remarriage thing, among many other events, is hard enough to go through without the rest of the world feeling comfortable voting on whether you did it right or not.
I appreciate that “what do you think” is seen by Babble as a human-interest hook at the end of the story, or even a way to start the conversation. But it’s gradually driving this reader away. I have no opinion on whether they should have or not. Ask me what I might do, if you like, but not — please — “do I think it was appropriate for them to do what they did?”
Meredith Carroll commented on Dec 20 10 at 9:37 pmI would argue that by putting their “whole divorce and remarriage” thing in The New York Times, they were very much looking for some validation that they “did it right,” which seems to have backfired judging by many of the comments left on the NYT site about the piece. By the way, when you find a newspaper story that gives you “just the facts,” please pass it along — I’ve yet to ever read a piece without bias. And if you ever come across a blog that doesn’t try to engage its readers, please pass along that link as well. Thanks for sharing and commenting, Maggie.
Nicky's mom commented on Dec 20 10 at 10:59 pmMeredith, sounds like you ARE judging whether their relationship is right or wrong (which is your prerogative). Do you have a problem with them divorcing their spouses or drawing attention to a private matter? People fall out of love and get divorced all the time. It’s sad, of course, especially when kids are involved, but that part of the story is not that unusual. The problem, as I see it, is this dreadful NYTimes piece.
Meredith Carroll commented on Dec 20 10 at 11:08 pm@Nicky’s Mom — It may appear to you as if I’m judging them for divorcing, but I don’t feel as if I am. In fact, I don’t think I can judge anyone for divorcing — I have no idea what goes on inside of someone else’s home and it’s not my place to say to whom someone else should or shouldn’t be married. However, I think it was in very poor taste to put a spotlight on what has clearly been a dramatic and traumatic situation for their kids and former spouses. Rubbing salt in the wound so publicly is beyond tacky, and, frankly, makes me question if people with that kind of character (or lack thereof) will be able to stay together for too long.
Linda, the original one commented on Dec 21 10 at 3:12 amAfter reading the orignal NYT story I felt the dizzy from the spin. Sorry, but I sincerely couldn’t give two shits about these people and their amazing “love story.” I also don’t believe for a second that they didn’t sleep together before leaving their spouses. Puh-leeze. If anyone believes that, I’ve got some beachfront property in Arizona to sell them.
Meredith Carroll commented on Dec 21 10 at 10:33 amWow, Linda, it looks like we actually agree on something!
Laure68 commented on Dec 21 10 at 12:33 pmOK, my curiosity got the best of me and I read the NY Times piece. I know I am being judgmental, but they kind of disgusted me. (She was crying in the shower asking why she was punished for meeting him when she was married??? Jeez.) I know it must be hard for the kids, but the first thing I imaged was their ex-spouses having to read that story. How cruel. It was bad enough to dump them, but now to rub their noses in it?
Anyway, any couple I know that was formed out of infidelity never lasted very long. It seems like they were addicted to that rush of emotions you get when you first meet someone you are attracted to. When it wears off for them, I’m sure they’ll find someone else.
Libby commented on Dec 21 10 at 1:51 pmIt is not a question of the “relationship” is right or wrong. It is a question of “why do these 2 adults choose to do something that is so hurtful to their ex-spouses and children.”
That is the debate in my opinion. People leave their spouses all the time-right or wrong-but do they then have to pour lemon juice in the wounds of their discarded family? Cannot they just ride off into the sunset quietly without all the tacky fanfair?
When Ms. Riddell said “it’s life, it’s messy” at the end of the NYT article what she really meant was “It’s narcissism, it’s messy.”
Marie commented on Dec 21 10 at 2:35 pmWhat’s shocking to me is the total and utter disregard these people seem to have for how they’ve affected their childrens lives. How would you feel if your dad took out a public announcement in the New York Times telling everyone how he never really loved your mom in the first place? Ouch. Oh but ruining other peoples lives is “messy” so oh well! As long as I’m happy, that’s all that matters!!!
CokiCat commented on Dec 21 10 at 3:01 pmI’ve heard amazing love stories before. This ain’t it.
CokiCat commented on Dec 21 10 at 3:04 pmLibby, you’re exactly right when you say it’s narcissism.
There are all sorts of marriages out there. Some are high calibre, not because it’s easy, or happenstance, but because by honoring their commitment they find out the “beauty of seeing things through” (to quote Sara Groves). My husband and I had a fight the other night that was due to his being worried about something that had nothing to do with the substance of the fight. He was really nasty, like I’ve been really nasty before. But later that night, we got out of the car, and he stopped me and pointed out the moon and the stars — I didn’t really feel like talking to him much. But he made me stop and he said, “I’m learning. I’m learning how to be a good husband.” I’m learning how to be a good wife. I have a long way to go — and I’m so thankful we won’t give up on each other.
yudh commented on Dec 21 10 at 3:20 pmCarol Anne Riddell and John Partilla: affair started second
We can’t remember the last time a New York Times ‘Vows’ column caused such an outpouring of public opinion more than this week’s, about a couple who left their respective spouses to marry each other (oh wait, yes we can).
http://msalatv.blogspot.com/2010/12/carol-anne-riddell-and-john-partilla.html
candice commented on Dec 21 10 at 4:39 pmTwo selfish cheaters go public with their lust story and this is news? How selfish and cruel of both of them to splash their dirty laundry around the world.
Karma will get them both, they have sewn seeds that will not grow anything good.Who in their right mind would want to be friends with this couple . I am judging them and they are trash…
Josie commented on Dec 21 10 at 8:37 pmThis couple sounds like they had a ton of guilt to unload. Did they really need to do it so publicly? Perhaps therapy or the confessional would have been more appropriate.
Meredith Carroll commented on Dec 21 10 at 8:54 pmThanks for all the comments. Did you read that the groom is now expressing some regret? http://blogs.babble.com/strollerderby/2010/12/21/think-before-you-speak-the-vows-column-takeaway/
CALYP commented on Dec 22 10 at 3:35 pmI don’t understand it – why did they have to marry, if only to face the possibility of divorcing again when one of them finds an even better “fit”. The piece said “love came at the wrong time” which I believe is not that unusual, what is unusual with this couple is they will follow it, so my gut reaction is, since they don’t see themselves as selfish, narcissistic blowhards, they should just live together and spare themselves the pain when one of them is bound to find an even more souful soulmate down the line.
BTW, kids actually matter. Funny how in the photo, none of the kids smiled, only their moronic parents. I truly feel bad for the kids.
Meredith Carroll commented on Dec 22 10 at 4:30 pmWell said, @Calyp.
LorenW commented on Jan 01 11 at 4:41 pmI read the article, saw the photo, and two things jumped out.
The age of the child in Partilla’s arms seems as if Partilla and his wife were pregnant during or became pregnant after this deal with Riddell started.
The information that Partilla moved out but then moved back in and it see sawed like that for six months.
I lied – three things jumped out. Nobody in the photo they ran looks comfortable save for the bride and groom.
Why did they want to publicize this? It’s not an uncommon story; and the cure for the fallout is time. Not this.
Meredith Carroll commented on Jan 02 11 at 7:08 pmThanks for your comment, @Lorenw.
Add your take:
Note: Babble is a supportive, diverse community. We encourage a range of opinions,
but any unduly hostile comments will be removed.
Comments are delayed up to 15 minutes
Lori Garcia 
Joslyn Gray 
Amber Doty 
Julianna Miner 
Monica Bielanko 
Sierra Black 
Meredith Carroll 
Carolyn Castiglia 
Sunny Chanel 
Madeline Holler 
Rebecca Odes 
Danielle Smith 
Danielle Sullivan 
Katherine Stone 
The Walt Disney Company supports Babble as a platform dedicated to honest, engaged, informed, intelligent and open conversation about parenting. However, the opinions expressed on this site are those of individual parents/writers and do not reflect the views of Disney. In addition, content provided on this site is for entertainment or informational purposes only and should not be construed as medical advice, diagnosis, treatment, or safety advice.
0