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Co-Sleeping : The New Mom War

Posted by danielle on November 24th, 2010 at 11:08 am
147279632 16e2879ac3 300x225 Co Sleeping : The New Mom War

Do you share your bed?

Contrary to popular belief, the term co-sleeping actually describes something most parents do for the first year of life — share their bedroom with their little one before moving him or her into a nursery or separate bedroom.

Co-sleeping does not necessarily mean sharing your bed with your child, although that is how it is often understood, and how Jezebel described it earlier in a post on the “explosive” issue.  As evidence of how divisive an issue bed sharing— and/or co-sleeping — is among moms, Jezebel’s Sadie quoted a statement blogger Kirby Desmarais made to the New York Post‘s article on the subject:

“A lot of people are like, ‘Oh, this isn’t right for our family, but it might be right for another family.’ No. There’s no gray area: There’s a natural way to birth, there’s a natural way to parent.”

But in reality there really is no right or wrong way to parent, as long as you’re following common sense. That goes for sleeping arrangements, too. I have two children who have co-slept with my husband and me, one in our bed and one in a co-sleeper on the side of the bed because he simply wasn’t interested in sleeping in the bed with us. That’s what worked for us. But what works great for one family may never work for the next; any argument that a certain approach is the only approach is simply obsolete.

There’s no better evidence of that than the difference of opinion within the medical community about the safety and value of bed sharing. Many medical organizations have spoken out against bed sharing with infants due to suspicions that it increases risk for Sudden Infant Death Syndrome or SIDS. On the other hand, Dr. Sears, as well as medical research he cites in The Baby Sleep Book and SIDS: A Parents Guide to Understanding and Preventing Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, argues that when strict safety guidelines are followed, bed sharing with infants not only decreases the risk for SIDS but helps infant sleep patterns.

Sears explains:

Researchers also believe that the carbon dioxide you exhale when you sleep close to your baby may help stimulate her breathing. Plus, co-sleeping infants tend to automatically sleep on their back, in order to have easier access to nighttime feedings. Back sleeping has proved to be one of the top risk-reducers for SIDS. Meanwhile, babies who sleep separately from their moms have been shown to experience a decrease in the amount of REM sleep, the state of sleep in which protective arousal* is the most likely to occur.

If you do decide to share your bed with your infant, here are some helpful safety tips:

  • Don’t bed share if you are under the influence of any kind of medication, alcohol, or illegal drug. The majority of bed sharing deaths include a parent or adult under the influence.
  • Don’t co-sleep on a couch.
  • Remove all pillows and blankets during the early months. Use extreme caution when adding pillows or blankets as your baby gets older. Instead dress baby and yourselves warmly for sleep. (A tip for breastfeeding moms: wear an old turtleneck or t-shirt, cut up the middle to the neckline, as an undershirt for extra warmth.) Do keep in mind that body heat will add warmth during the night and make sure your baby doesn’t become overheated.
  • Always put your baby to sleep on his or her back.
  • An infant should be placed between his mother and the wall or guardrail. Fathers, siblings, grandparents, and babysitters don’t have the same instinctual awareness of a baby’s location as mothers do.
  • Mothers: Pay attention to your own sensitivity to baby. Your little one should be able to awaken you with a minimum of movement or noise — often even a sniff or snort is usually enough. If you find that you sleep so deeply that you only wake when your baby lets out a loud cry, seriously consider moving your baby out of your bed, perhaps into a cradle or crib near your bedside.
  • Do not let siblings share a bed with an infant younger than 9 months old.
  • Never use an overly cushy mattress for bed sharing. That includes water beds.
  • Don’t use strong-smelling perfumes or lotions that may irritate your baby’s delicate senses.

Following these very simple guidelines will make bed-sharing more comfortable for everyone involved and help keep your baby safe.

*”Protective arousal” is a term for the mechanism by which a baby wakes automatically when she’s having trouble breathing.

Photo : flickr.com/madaise

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 Co Sleeping : The New Mom War

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0 Comments

“If you are over tired, or feel sleep deprived – do not share your bed.” Well, that kind of defeats the whole purpose and cancels out most new parents! Anyway, I like co-sleeping, we do it a little differently (child not in OUR bed, but me going to her bed as needed, which is not much now that she’s older, but I like her bed and her room better!)

Gretchen Powers commented on Nov 24 10 at 11:31 am

@Gretchen – I think there is a difference between tired new parents, and being extremely sleep deprived. I know we are all tired in the beginning, but I think that the professionals are referring to parents who are not sleeping for days, etc.

Danielle commented on Nov 24 10 at 11:33 am

Am I right in assuming that the real choice (once the baby is 4 months or older) is whether you sleep train or co-sleep. If you choose not to sleep train, it’s pretty difficult to NOT co-sleep. Or that’s been our experience (also breastfeeding).

Kat commented on Nov 24 10 at 11:38 am

I was kind of joking, Danielle…I understand what you mean. As far as the “mom-war” component, that’s not a road I want to go down anymore. It’s fruitless and exhausting and I would never say things to people in real life about what they should do. I will just say that I really enjoyed co-sleeping and the nursing on demand through the night that came with it, and the coziness it provides to this day. It’s not always easy to cuddle with an active preschooler who likes to run around and play, so it’s nice to be able to “steal” some cuddles while she’s falling asleep/sleeping now and then. And, I agree with Kat, except in those rare cases where a baby just goes to sleep on their own right off the bat.

Gretchen Powers commented on Nov 24 10 at 11:46 am

It think it depends on the child. Our first son co-slept in the bed with us until he was about 1 (when I got pregnant again- I wonder why? :). Even now, at 2, he still likes me to lie down with him as he drifts off. His nearly 4 mth old brother, hates to sleep in the bed and will fuss all night. 2 days after I put him in a crib, he slept through the night at 2 months. If I didn’t have my older son to snuggle with I’m sure I would miss not having the baby in bed.

Andrea commented on Nov 24 10 at 12:05 pm

I breastfeed, and wanted to co-sleep, but my baby had other plans. At 2 weeks he clearly preferred his own bed in his own room. It does make breastfeeding difficult at night, because I always have to get up to nurse him! I can see why people sleep-train when their babies sleep in a crib!

Theresa commented on Nov 24 10 at 4:21 pm

Can we please stop talking about everything in terms of “mom wars”? We’re always going on about how damaging it is for modern mothers to be constantly battling with each other. Let’s not perpetuate that negativity. Every family is different. There is a way to discuss differences of opinion without attacking one another. We loved co-sleeping but I totally get why some people may not like it.

Nicky's mom commented on Nov 24 10 at 10:05 pm

Don’t we all sorta cobble it together as we go along? Our daughter slept right next to me in a cradle when she was first born, in part because I was way too paranoid to keep her in bed with us, and also because it just felt right – she was right there, but we still had room to toss and turn without fear of hurting or waking her. She moved into a crib in our bedroom at about 4 or 5 months, and at 6 or 7 months, into her own room. At that point she started sleeping through the night – like, 11-12 hours a night. We realized that being in our room was making her wake up more in the night. We didn’t even really have to sleep train. It was a natural progression. When it was bedtime, she just crashed, and at a year, still does. I think if you’re listening to your child first, before other sources, you find what works best for that individual kid.

esthermaker commented on Nov 24 10 at 11:36 pm

I too hate the term “Mom wars”. I’d like us to all be supportive of each other and the choices that we make. I do wish that we’d use clearer terms. Co-sleeping is such a generic term. I’d like to see bed sharing and room sharing used instead. There is better research available when we use those separate terms. You’re the parent. That means that you get to make the choice.

Pam commented on Nov 29 10 at 10:37 am

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