My question is: where are you getting this “strict attachment parenting ideology” that apparently exists? As someone who wrote a book about it and who has a chapter in that book on working parents, I am not sure where this cultish, legalistic interpretation of attachment parenting philosophy exists. Basically, I think Jong is tilting at windmills.

wow. that’s so second wave feminist of her, isn’t it? i often think about this topic and always feel like there’s a third way out there– or there’s just too much nuance between the old school feminist working mother ideal (she’s a man who happens to give birth, but can we please move on) and the stereotype of the completely attached diaper crap-scraping, eco-AP mom. I find both of those extremes never seem to get at what parenting is and has been for me. i’ve actually met people who pretty much fulfill those stereotypes, too. and they can be annoying to watch in action. but most people are somewhere in the middle, searching for some other paradigm… or some other parents.. or some other playground where they feel more at home: a responsive, working mother paradigm perhaps.

Parenthood is a prison anyway, isn’t it? So if we are imprisoned already, let’s at least enjoy it. And parenting, this tough job, is much more enjoyable for all sides when love and attachment can flow freely between parents and children.

I followed no rules and I know no other parent who does. I did what felt right, and the books I read confirmed my wish to follow my instincts.

How unhappy was my mother in her prison of strict parenting! She wanted to hold me and hug me, but the books said NO! let her cry, don’t listen to your tyrant baby etc.

If attachment parenting is prison, strict oldfashioned 50s style parenting is a war. I know what I prefer…

I dislike all dogmatic discussions and feel that every teaching that empowers parents to do what feels right, to respect and love and accept their babies and become receptive to their needs, is on the side of life and love. And that can only be good.

I wrote my MA thesis about parenting manuals in NS Germany. Believe me, you wouldn’t like to go back to that parenting style!

Our baby would barely tolerate the sling or the bjorn and also grew very large very quickly. My expectations (and purchases) were quickly rendered worthless. In retrospect, the most successful baby wearers I have known have had petite and mellower babies, mostly girls.

I don’t think anyone is arguing against a healthy attachment/bond with an infant. I’m simply against the notion that everyone has to follow a certain model of motherhood. Baby-wearing, co-sleeping and breastfeeding on demand don’t work for all families. Certainly, Jong is taking the AP-idea to the extreme. As I write above, most AP are not as intractable as she makes it sound. It’s not an either-or situation. But she does raise a good question: is it possible to be an attachment parent and a working (outside the home) parent?

My mom was a SAHM til her kids were grown. I did the opposite cycle, working in my earlier years then taking what I call a “sabbatical” from the career ladder while I get my ONE child off to the start I feel is best (with me at home). I don’t think women can “have it all” all at one time when it comes to a really big, really important career while their children are young. Sure they can work, a little, but we all have to set priorities, pick what’s most important, do that for X years, do something else for X years, in my opinion. I agree with the astute observations that this AP thing is an upper-middle-class self-reflection thing. Just watched a movie last night, October Country, that showed moms with REAL freaking problems. AP and/or any of its practices is/are not a “prison” but a privilege. I am enjoying some of the coolest and best years of my life while my kid is little…

And, I would answer the question of whether it is possible to be an “attachment parent” and a “work outside of the home parent” with a YES! It is definitely not my choice or the way I would do things or even call ideal, however, I have many friends that work outside the home and are way “better” AP “adherents” (yikes!!!) than me…it really doesn’t take that much time or energy to cloth diaper and make your own baby food, either, I would add…

A couple more issues…I don’t see AP as a means to raise perfect children. Honestly, it just felt easier and better for everyone…”American mothers and fathers run themselves ragged trying to mold exceptional children…” uhm, no…it’s easier to just live on a little less money than try to cart around a baby to a daycare/sitter whatever every morning and then go to a job where I miss them all day because of my natural biology dictating I should be near them…it’s EASIER to just pop your boob into the kid’s mouth when they cry or are hungry instead of having to attach yourself to some contraption and pump bottles…it’s EASIER to just have the kid sleep with you when they’re little or lay down with them as they fall asleep, it’s cuddly, cozy and relaxing for everyone…it’s EASIER to wear the kid when your doing light housework than to listen to them cry…and it’s certainly easier to wear them going around town, riding trains, etc. than it is to cart them around in a stroller, pack the thing, unpack the thing, etc…I am not judging those who do thing differently, or those who HAVE to work to make a living, etc. but, I think for many who do AP things, it really is just EASIER (that was my experience)

I agree with Katie et al.

I like to think of what good parents do as Responsive Parenting. If you are responding to your child’s needs (they cry, you comfort; they want to nurse, you nurse them, etc) where you are able to respond (and not at work, for instance) then you are going to raise a child who is secure. When I talk to new mamas (as a doula) I urge them to just respond to the need of the child and not get all worked up about any kind of dogmatic approach to parenting. In Canada we are lucky to give working moms the oppourtunity to take up to a year off to be able to nurse and nuture full time and so being highly responsive is much easier to achieve.

HOW can you SAY that?

wish that parents would stop trying to parent according to books and doctors’ advice and whatever method is “en vogue” and just raise their kids. i raise my babies according to what i believe is right and normal, and easy and natural. i nursed them, made baby food out of whatever we were eating at the table, used the baby bjorn with one, not with the other bc she didnt like it, slept with them in my bed, etc. its not that hard when you don’t have special needs kids. when you stop trying to make everything so hard, it will stop being so hard. otherwise, you are creating high maintenance people.

When I had my first child 13+ years ago, I did what felt natural and only later learned that it was called Attachment Parenting, so no, it never felt like a prison for me. Only a very minute fraction of parents follow AP philosophy and it’s routinely mocked within mainstream society. You think it’s difficult saying you nursed your child for a year? Try copping to nursing them until they start kindergarten! The thing I find weird is that somehow no one should hold any philosophies or beliefs about what’s best for babies, because some other mom might get her feelings hurt. You know what? Oh, well. No one does anything because they think all the other choices are equal. We all make choices about what we think is best and sometimes those things are in opposition with the beliefs of others. When did we turn in to a society that relies so strongly on the opinions of other to form our self esteem. If you care so much about what other people think, maybe you need to address your own issues instead of whining about how everyone ought to think you’re great for formula feeding and letting your baby CIO alone in a crib. Guess what, if I thought those options were so great, wouldn’t I have chosen them instead of doing the opposite?

I’ve never run into “strict” AP as a standard mothers are held to. In fact, I barely encounter AP AT ALL. Maybe your locality expects you to do the whole thing, no variances, but MY area looks at you like you have 7 heads if you babywear, make food, or cloth diaper. I find AP ends up being so far off the expectation that it needs constant explanation.
Oh, and Bjorn is the ARMPIT of babywearing. Worst ever. If you love shoulder pain and your baby loves wedgies, it works. But the rest of us hate it.

The real issue isn’t the parenting style, it’s the judgment that parents who choose to parent differently than your carefully selected style are wrong or uneducated is the problem. It’s also the malicious tone used in judging. Look at several of the responses here. Some boarder on hateful. That’s the problem. To each his own.

I don’t think we should get caught up in rigid expectations and guilt when it comes to parenting. There are enough real things to worry about. We should do what we think is right and works for our individual situation and what is best for the child. Every baby/child is different with a different personality we should respect. Mine is very independent and never stops moving, and would never have gone for co-sleeping and being carried around 24/7 and weaned herself at 8 mos. from b-feeding contrary to me being open to these approaches. It would have been impossible and not right to “force” her into something else just because I read a parenting book that said x is right. Also, we have to remember that parenting approaches and trends change over time and what is considered the way now will inevitably change to whatever the next big thing is in a decade or two.

I think this article does a disservice to what Erica Jong actually says about AP and motherhood. Her main point is that the way our society it now, we focus more on our individual needs instead of the community as a whole, and how this isolation is bad for everyone, especially kids. Her point about AP as it’s written about by the Sears is that it encourages this isolation between families and hinders the forming of a community to raise our kids in. (The always talked about village.) I encourage everyone who reads this article to also read Erica Jong’s actual words, and judge from that. I really think this article missed a huge point that Erica Jong was trying to make.

@ChrissiHR — I was a latch-key kid and I was happy to have the extra freedom and responsibility. My mom actually asked me if she should quit work. I said, “Are you crazy!?”
I wore my baby (in a Belle carrier) until he got so heavy he knocked me off balance. I don’t let him cry it out, but he sleeps on his own in a crib. I don’t make him special food, but he doesn’t eat stuff from jars, either. I don’t work, but I resent the term Stay-at-Home-Mother — like I really don’t do anything all day but play blocks and changer diapers. (And speaking of diapers, why do the cloth ones get such a bad rep? I really doubt it’s more than 20 minutes of hands-on time every two days to take care of the things.) I highly doubt that anyone of any philosophy thinks I’m doing this Mommy gig right, but I have a happy healthy baby, anyway, so nana-nana-boo-boo.

I think that until we become aware of all the unconscious guilt that has been ingrained in women and release it, we’ll never feel that we’re doing it properly. Every woman is different and until we gain that feminine confidence with internal alignement about what we can and cannot do. It’s always going to be easy to sway us into feeling bad about our mothering abilities.

I don’t feel guilt for my overarching parenting choices, at all. I may feel guilty for little things during the day, maybe snapping if something is annoying when I should be nice, or maybe the day I have a little too much work to do and I’d rather play with my kid, or the few times I spanked her, which I don’t even believe in. But, overall, I feel like I am doing fine and am confident my child is happy and knows she is loved. Sometimes people feel guilt for a reason, other times it is just neurotic. But I do agree, we need to get rid of the guilt. I think that if I had to leave a baby with someone else 8 hours a day, I probably would feel guilty, if I could financially afford not to do so. If I really needed the money, reason would prevail and I would accept the suckiness of the situation and do the best I could, but I wouldn’t feel guilty. I might feel angry at the way society rolled to make it such that two adults would have to go to work in order to run a household (something brought about in no small part by second wave feminists like Jong.)

Not wholly responsible, but the movement definitely played a role. Women’s *traditional* roles were devalued. I think if a woman has a calling and wants to work, she should. I think people should have equal rights. I think if a woman needs to work to supplement her family’s income to SURVIVE, then that’s great and no blockhead oldfashioned man should insist she STAY home if he can’t support her. However, the idea that staying home and NOT working or focusing on the home is somehow inferior (and yes, this was a message of the second wave) is a contributor. Once the capitalist powers that be and policy makers got hold of the idea that both adults in a household were willing (eager!) to be working drones and leave the children to someone else, it just snowballed to what we have today. Two-adult households scrambling to survive. Feminism is not wholly responsible, but it played a role. Any “ism” that would wholesale put the interests of one gender above the other is problematic for me.

The comment thread suggests that your readers took issue with Jong and her misunderstanding about AP and that it’s about doing the ‘natural’ thing or ‘what feels right.’ I put these in quotes because I sense their own judgment in the commentary. There are also comments that ‘if you aren’t ready to devote your lives to your child, you aren’t ready to have children.” I don’t thing Jong suggests we shouldn’t be close to our children, but I do think she’s right. It’s a manipulative philosophy that may not be intended to, but results in, the subjugation of women – who are the primary care givers. Beyond the basic ‘what to expect manuals,’ I read very little about parenting because they all took a moralistic tone. This mommy war thing is the biggest crock of crap I’ve ever encountered. I worked. I wanted to work – and not just for the money. I wanted out of the freaking house. I held my kids, carried them (a pack was convenient and gave me the use of my hands), slept with them against pediatric advice (because I was too tired to get up in the middle of the night) played legos and read to them, etc., but they were either with their dad (early years) or in day care during much of the day. I love my children. But, there is no way that I am going to give myself over to servitude for 20+ years – at least not any more than I have to. I’m not a helicopter parent and my kids are independent teens now. Are my kids “perfect?” No – in some cases they irritate me with their bad decisions. Could I have done some things differently? Sure. Do I feel guilty? Not a bit. So, dear people out there telling me what “I” should have done differently in order to have been a ‘good mother,’ STFU.

I wouldn’t “give myself over to servitude for 20+ years” either and understand the need to “get out of the house” but I do think it’s very important, if you can, to stay home and be hands on with a baby for at least the first year, and as much as possible as they approach school age. It doesn’t have to be an all or nothing proposition for your whole life, it’s a thing you do for a certain amount of years. For those who say, what about wanting to have more kids? I honestly think that if you’re going to have more than one or maybe two, you are going to have to have being a mom be your thing for quite a long while in order to really do it the right way. If you want an important career, don’t have kids, or just have one, and be balanced. Certain types of women seem to expect to have everything they want, when they want it, like little fairy princesses and all the world, employers, men, children, are all supposed to accommodate them. Might be nice, but it’s certainly unrealistic. I don’t care what YOU do to be “good mother” but don’t harangue the world about all we have to do for YOU so you can feel fulfilled or whatever….

to answer the question “are mothers not allowed to work unless it’s a financial imperative?” I would say, sure, the should be (and are) allowed to, however, I personally believe it’s a better idea to be home with a small child if you can afford to…and why should, if these folks don’t NEED the money, why should they get help from the government to work when it’s for their own fulfillment…I understand that need, but you can’t expect everyone to want to support you…I would have loved to be a painter or baker or yoga instructor for my own fulfillment, but those things, for me, did not earn enough money and so I had to do techy work…why should society subsidize a lifestyle I choose for my own fulfillment (if I had chosen to do one of the lower paying jobs?)

yeah, but, I don’t think anyone is really hassling women who do or don’t…only in the small, unimportant world of internet comment boards…and Jong is right to the extent that if you’re doing something you don’t want to and feel imprisoned, then that’s bad, but for middle-upper class, college educated women, that most of Babble readers are, the idea that they are NOT doing what they want is silly…if you’re not doing what you want, it’s really your own fault, now, isn’t it? since feminism has brought us so far…

You are not being honest about Dr. Sear’s attachment parenting. Maybe true that no one really follows it, but completely untrue that his extremely popular baby guide is not a huge attachment parenting guilt trip. I threw the book across the room when I read one of his anecdotes: there was a couple that started out doing attachment parenting. They were ridiculed for it, so they decided to take a break, and a weekend away from their child. Just from that one weekend away, their bond became so weak that..what? The child later murdered them in their sleep? No, they later wanted to take a whole week’s vacation without said child!!! OH THE HORROR!!!
There is an article on babble.com written just this week by a woman who is still carrying her 3-year-old around in a sling. Although she is seeing a chiropractor for the damage this is doing to her back, her article is not about that, it’s about the difficulty in finding an equally selfless babysitter. The crimes she attributes to a sub-par babysitter include complaining about having to carry this 30-35 lb weight everywhere and asking for a cookie. To compound this babysitter’s crimes, when proffered the requested cookie she (wait for it…dramatic pause…) took TWO cookies! TWO!!! COOKIES!!! So, does Dr. Sears promote the idea that if you are not staring at your child 24/7 you have failed as a parent? Yes. Do some parents (read: mothers) think that childcare means utter and total selflessness, the mark of which is you ask nothing for yourself? Again, yes. Included on the list of no-nos, apparently, is having a 3-year-old use his own legs, and asking for a cookie.

The answer to the title question is yes. Maybe you like it, in which case it’s a warm, cozy blanket that keeps you happily contained. If you don’t, it’s a suffocating, restricting straightjacket. What I won’t abide by is the notion that AP is “natural”. I, like many others in the comments section, ended up throwing Sears’ book away in disgust before I finished it, because it clearly espoused an entire lifestyle — not just parenting style — that I have no interest in living. And I’m a perfectly “natural” parent. And I live in Park Slope, to boot.

That article was just so wrong; so clueless…

I think a lot of the people commenting on Dr. Sears’ book haven’t actually read it. Or, if they did, they didn’t understand it. AP is not a strict philosophy like those baby-training books they keep selling with the same message; children are to be controlled, not enjoyed or nutured.

The whole idea of AP parenting is to break society’s steretypes and find your own style of parenting. It’s like a buffet, taking what works for you in whatever amounts you need.

I was an international Flight Attendant for 13 years, I’ve been to 50 countries and lived in 5 and have two degrees. I’m a person who doesn’t like to be “trapped” but I found Dr. Sears’ philosophy freeing and it really made parenting easier.

Instead of a bulky stroller, or using one of those dire Bjorn carriers (pictured above-bad for both parents’ and children’s backs), I could take out the sling and encourage my child to walk as much and as often as s/he wanted. When they got tired, I could get them to the car without straining my back by carrying them in my arms. Instead of being glued to the kitchen washing and preparing endless bottles of formula, I breastfed and could leave the house whenever I could or wanted. No running out. Babysitters were able to feed with a cup (who said bottles were the only way to get out of the house without the baby??) I did return to work after my first baby and then later lost my job indirectly due to 9/11.

I actually feel more restricted now that my children are older and in school. I’m now at the whim of their school and activity schedule. I waited a long time to become a mother and I was determined not to spend it plugging my kids with pacifiers or jiggling strollers with screaming babies. I almost yearn for those years of freedom, when it was just my baby, me and the sling…

Thank you, @jcm, for being a voice of reason. You have articulated what I am feeling about this whole brouhaha.

Woah, Marlene. So if a parent doesn’t want to follow the AP principles, she shouldn’t be a parent at all? I find that idea truly repugnant, but not as repugnant as the notion that mothers who relinquish children for adoption do it out of selfish reasons (as you suggest). I’m an adoptee and I can say from my research that generally, relinquishing a child for adoption is a selfless act.

Do these children not have fathers? Gretchen, you’re so high on your mummy trip that you seem to think that the only person who can look after children is the mother. What are fathers to you? Paypackets so you can sit at home and play with play dough and claim moral superiority?

Ok, first of all, I think Ms. Jong is really off base in her narrow tunnel vision of attachment parenting and the apparent Sears agebda. I have never felt imprisoned by becoming a mother or cuddling and co-sleeping with my daughter. In fact, the day I finally got over all the programming against co-sleeping was one of the most freeing of my life. After that, I stopped listening to all the unsolicited “advice” and just did what seemed right for our family, what attachment parenting is REALLY about. Had Ms. Jong taken the time to actually read The Baby Book, which I suspect she didn’t actually do, she would have found this actual advice in the first chapter of the book. The thing I found the most interesting, however, was the response written by Ms. Jong’s daughter. Turns out, she’s an AP, helipocter mom. How’s that for irony?

Wow. I can’t believe I missed this and Erica Jong’s piece! I just wrote about this, about Attachment Parenting and how “The one thing that the experts aren’t saying, is that there is no single theory or book that has all the answers. There is no right and wrong way to care for your baby”. Here it is if you’re interested: http://bit.ly/aEj4cv

Parenthood in general is a prison. It’s SO much easier to live your life when you’re a childless adult — particularly an unmarried childless adult. When the only person you have to worry about is yourself, your life is comparatively uncomplicated.

BUT it’s a prison that intelligent, self-aware people who desire to be parents take on happily, because to someone who wants to be a mom or dad, the prison doesn’t exist… just like a shop for the enthusiastic small business owner, or a mortgage for a proud homeowner. These things can ALL be severe limitations if done at the wrong time or when a person is not ready or unwilling, but when they are wanted, then they are not significant sacrifices.

In regard to attachment parenting, however, I think that strict attachment parenting is extreme. I STRONGLY disagree that a child’s only caregivers should be his or her parents. It takes a village to raise a child… and in modern villages, that includes parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, family friends, teachers, coaches, scout leaders, dance instructors, babysitters, and so on. Having other people in your child’s life can only benefit them, not hurt them.

I also think it’s dangerous for people (especially women) to do NOTHING else but parenting. Yes, you’re a mom, but you’re also an adult. You had a life and thoughts and interests before you reproduced… so why completely let go of that person you were before? It’s not healthy. Kids need time to interact and play with kids, and adults need time to interact and “play” with adults. Adults also need private time, with both their partners and by themselves. You CANNOT best serve your child’s needs when you are not seeing to your own. It’s just not possible.

Perhaps you would like to hear from a mother of 4 and a teacher. I stayed home with my children and loved every minute of it. I nursed for as long as my body produced which was 5 months…not a day longer. I tried to go longer as I enjoyed nursing but physiologically and genetically could not. When I put my 4th child into school I went back to teaching part time. That is when I was able to see the effects of many different styles of child rearing. As a teacher I saw children who had a lot of interaction with other children before starting school and saw the benefits and also the negatives. They knew a lot more about life but also “knew a lot more about life” than they needed to. I also watched the so called AP children struggle mightily making the separation from that mother. There were two different responses by the mothers of those children. One mother realized they had given their child the best beginning they knew how to give and worked with the teacher to help with the separation anxiety the AP children naturally went through. The second type were the parents (not just mom’s) who turned into the helicopter parents whose separation anxiety was much worse than that of their child. Every child and every parent recognizes what is best for them until the natural separation of growing comes into play. As a teacher, I believe that a child will do better in education when allowed to be separated from parenting and allowed to learn at their ability and personal pace. There are many ways to encourage children to connect to home and family without keeping them strapped to you.

As a parent, I admire anyone who chooses to have children and encourage them to find their own kind of parenting. However, as a teacher, I advise you to start the natural separation well before the child’s first day of school. Remember, the child will not be with you for the rest of your life. Don’t make your anxiety of loosing control of every minute of the child’s life and appreciate that other people will do all they can to help your child grow and succeed.