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Strollerderby
I Flunk Being A Girly Mama
My kids never look like this
Babble has a hilarious essay up today on the difference between boys and girls: braids and tights.
Author Hayley Aizley recounts a typical morning with her daughter, and how the stuff of girlhood – those ridiculous fashion tights every girl wants but never wants to actually wear, braids that take 20 minutes to put in but will be torn out in the car on the way to school – defines their morning.
And makes her late to school and work, while her sister gets her two boys out the door in 18 minutes flat.
Hayley chalks some of this up to being a lesbian. If she was straight, she imagines she wouldn’t care about all the girly frou-frou stuff. She’d say, “There’s no time for braids. Put on your own tights or wear jeans.”
Maybe. My colleague Carolyn is a straight chick who loves to dress her daughter like a doll. Me, I’m not straight, nor am I capable of putting three braids in my daughter’s hair before school.
I’ve been flunking “knowing how to do girly stuff” for 32 years, and to my kids’ chagrin that’s not changing anytime soon.
I tried. When my oldest was three, my mother cut her hair for the first time. Before that, I’d fought my spunky little toddler tooth and nail to keep it washed, brushed and pinned up in adorable little braids. Most of the time.
I was just bad at it. All the other girls would arrive at preschool with matching ribbons in their immaculate pigtail braids, wearing clothes that were not only clean but also adorable. My daughter would show up 30 minutes late, still in her PJs. One time she came to school wearing a swimsuit and galoshes. Her teachers assured me that some kids are just strong willed about dressing themselves.
Given permission to stop worrying about dressing her like a doll, I cheerfully did. The avalanche of cute baby things that flowed through our house after I gave birth to a girl mystified me. I like to dress up a little myself once in awhile. But she’s a baby. Does she really need a $90 denim jacket? 45 frilly dresses in slightly varying pastel floral patterns?
Mothers with sons cooed their envy when they saw my baby doll and I parading around the grocery store. “I love little girl clothes! You can never find anything cute for a boy! I wish I had a girl so I could dress her up like yours!”
The only piece of clothing I ever bought for that child was a pointy black witches hat I picked up at a thrift store in Vermont shortly after finding out I was pregnant. Everything else came from hand-me-downs, clothing swaps, and friends who could not resist buying just this one cute thing they saw at the store.
Now I have two girls, ages 3 and 6. I remain largely immune to the joys of styling their hair with colorful ribbons. In fact, when my oldest had lice this summer, I seized the opportunity to cut her hair short. She was heartbroken at giving up her Rapunzel tresses. I was delighted that we wouldn’t have to brush it before school for at least a few months.
I don’t foresee this problem going away. This year I have had to admit that I don’t know how to do a French braid or apply nail polish without getting it all over their hands. As they grow up, I suspect my girls will also be disappointed to discover that I cannot write in cutesy girly-girl curly script, I do not know how to shave my legs, and I have no idea what a camisole is (seriously, what is a camisole?).
I do know how to apply first aid, make basic meals, swim, read, drive and do well in school. I’m not going to send them out into the world unprepared to be awesome adults. But I’m failing them in the girly girl department. They won’t have any warm memories of Mama’s beauty routine, or any mysteries of girlhood I shared with them. I never got the memo myself.
For what it’s worth, though, Hayley, if you’re reading this: we’re still late for school most of the time. The only time I have been reliably able to get the girls out the door in under 20 minutes was this summer, when I spent a month living in Maine with my girlfriend.
Photo: gemsling
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Babble's 50 Best Design Blogs For Moms | Strollerderby commented on Oct 05 10 at 1:51 pmLaure68 commented on Sep 20 10 at 5:04 pmI have never been a girly-girl either. I don’t even wear make-up. I have a son, so I haven’t had to deal with all the frilly, girly stuff. A good friend of mine who is like me in this way has a totally girly daughter, who recently asked her about make-up. Thankfully she had a cousin close by who could come over and help!
As a side note, I always find it strange when people who have boys say that clothes for girls are so much cuter. I feel the exact opposite. I love all the little man clothes out there. (Sporty cargo shorts, skater shirts, etc.) When I go to buy girls’ clothes for my friends kids I always feel like I am going to pass out from all the pink. (I’m sure there are alternatives for girls, but they sure are hard to find.)
Rowan commented on Sep 20 10 at 5:16 pmA camisole is a kind of tank top with thin straps, generally intended to be worn under a shirt or jacket (some are basically a slip for your torso, others are more substantial). ;-)
I have to say, I’m kinda amazed by the way our community, with its supposed embracing of gender-queer values, still dresses its babies in strict accordance with their genitalia.
Laure68 commented on Sep 20 10 at 5:25 pm@Rowan – the thing is, I have a couple of friends who are so not girly and have daughters, and as babies they dressed them in anything but pink. However, when the girls got to be a little older, they wanted nothing but pink, frilly, girly clothes. Where does this come from?
LooLoo'sMommy commented on Sep 20 10 at 5:33 pmI dont think it has anything to do with sexual orientation. I am straight and not at all a girly girl, I have always been more of a tom boy. I think some of us are just missing that girly gene. I can not braid my daughters hair to save my life (luckily my daughter has a diva auntie near by). Her tights end up ripped before they get on her, and I am always dragging her to the boys section of the gap, because in my opinion, they have the best jeans and tees. My daughter adores pink and all things girly luckily for me grandma likes pint size company for mani pedis and auntie loves to style her little princess.
Rowan commented on Sep 20 10 at 5:36 pm@Laure98: Oh, I’m not saying that a parent can effectively battle the crushing weight of society’s gender expectations. I’m just surprised that my friends, who are generally more aware of how gender is forcefully constructed by our culture, still prefer to choose “girl” clothing for infants with vulvas and “boy” clothing for infants with penises. It’s a sad thing, to me, that any parent should be envious over the clothes they feel they “can’t” put on their children just because those clothes are “for” another gender.
Laure68 commented on Sep 20 10 at 6:09 pm@Rowan: Definitely agree with that. When someone with a baby boy recently told me they wish they had a girl so they could dress her up in girly stuff, I asked why she didn’t just dress her son like this? I mean, he is a baby after all, so who cares? She was shocked and said she could never do that. ugh. (In any case, how ridiculous is it to be jealous for something like this.)
Voice of Reason commented on Sep 20 10 at 6:58 pmI’m straight and not the least bit interested in braiding hair or other girly pursuits. Life’s too short, plus I feel that kids are more likely to engage in physical play if they aren’t worried about messing their hair up or getting their pretty clothes dirty. (My daughter isn’t at all worried about either which begs the question, ‘Why bother?’! What a waste of pre-school time.) I don’t think this has anything to do with sexual orientation, anymore than does Aizley’s choice of coffee. (She drinks French Roast – yuck. Must be a lesbian. LOL.) For the record, my daughter wore a lot of her brother’s hand-me-downs when she was a baby. It helped balance out the rest of her pepto bismol coloured wardrobe (presents from well-meaning friends and family).
Sarah commented on Sep 20 10 at 7:41 pmRowan, in our community many people dress their babies in hand-me-downs. The clothes I have bought my baby girl are exactly one pair of baby legs (in white with blue, yellow, and green polka dots). The rest is hand-me-downs and gifts, so I dress her in them, even though they include a lot of pink. I try to alternate the pink with the gender neutral stuff, and she even had a pair of navy blue pajamas that said “cute boy” on them.
Julia @ http://notlikeacat.blogspot.com/ commented on Sep 20 10 at 7:45 pmFunny, I was terrified of having a girl for many of these reasons (and many much deeper ones). I ended up with boys. My husband has much a better fashion sense than I do, so hopefully my sons will end up with some sense of how to look nice when they leave the house. :) (I do know how to French braid, though, and have painted my son’s toenails without being too messy.)
JEssica commented on Sep 21 10 at 11:47 amMy mom was a girly-girl and I was a tomboy. I don’t care how nice I started out as by the time I came home my dress was dirty, my hair was a mess and my shiny shoes were not shiny. My room was white and pink; I hated pink for a long time afterward. You can’t change people into something they are not.
Linda commented on Sep 21 10 at 1:41 pmSierra, you had me on this one right up until the part about how you forced your daughter to cut her hair short against her will and blamed it on the head lice. We had lice this past Spring and when I picked my long haired SON up from school, he was crying because the b*tch of a school nurse told him that I’d probably just buzz cut his hair since he was, after all, a boy. I wanted to slap her. We got rid of head lice just fine without cutting the childrens’ hair (and my 13 year old has long hair down to her mid back.) It was time consuming, but, oh well. I don’t understand forcing your child in to something that was “heartbreaking” and unnecessary due to your own laziness, but that’s just me.
g8grl commented on Sep 21 10 at 3:01 pmI am straight and always was a bit of a tomboy, never wore dresses, played ball with all the boys. My little girl is the girliest girly girl ever. Her first two weeks of Kindergarten she refused to wear anything but dresses. Finally I got her to wear pants because I told her she needed to protect her knees at gym class. It’s a good thing I’ve got a good friend who provides hand-me-downs from her two daughters otherwise it would be all jeans and sweats for her.
Rosana commented on Sep 21 10 at 3:40 pmI agree with LooLoo’s mom “I dont think it has anything to do with sexual orientation.” Even when I can call myself a girly girl I did not know how to do a French braid until a couple of months ago and I do not like to dress my 8 month old daughter in pink. She wears some pink sometimes because we have no choice (the damn color is somewhere on the clothes). At the same time, I have bought her maybe a total of 5 pieces of clothing so far, I LOVE getting a bag of hand me downs, is like Christmas any time of the year, whatever I don’t use I pass it along or donate it.
On the girls’ clothes being cuter than boys, that is true for the most part. It was always exciting to dress my first baby, a boy, but it took me forever to find cute clothes and no, I am not afraid to dress him in clothes that have a little pink or lavender on them.
Binky commented on Sep 21 10 at 11:15 pmI miss girly girls! Shame on you moms who think it’s cute/funny that your girls are running around dressed like boys most of the time.
I long for the days when girls dressed cute and sexy for work.
Boo to no tights with dresses and flip flops at work.
Girls, please be girls again!Eve
Anthony commented on Sep 24 10 at 6:01 amCutting your daughter’s hair against her will? You’re a sadist.
Jen Hunter commented on Sep 24 10 at 2:55 pmWell, that’s what extended community is for. See if you have a femmy friend who might like to do that stuff with the girls now and then.
Jen Hunter commented on Sep 24 10 at 2:59 pmAlso, hey Rowan, when my daughter was a baby, I often put her in boyish clothes because we had gotten them as hand-me-downs. I thought it was funny when people thought she was a boy. And when she went through a phase of wanting to be a boy around age 7, I happily procured her boy clothes to wear. I recently bought her a pair of very butch black work boots. If I’d had a boy, I might have been more cautious about putting him in dresses or skirts, just because people tend to get a bit crazy when they see a boy dressed femininely.
Anonymous commented on Sep 30 10 at 3:24 pmI can honestly say that problems with gender-related clothing – being told you can’t or shouldn’t wear something because it’s supposed to be for the gender other than the one dictated by your genitalia – can have incredibly long-lasting psychological implications. I’ve been wrestling with issues along these lines for almost my entire life because I was told certain things were “not for me,” and I don’t think I’m ever going to fully be able to let those issues go, hard as I’ve tried to come to terms with them.
Shen-Li commented on Oct 04 10 at 3:18 amWhat’s the attraction to pink? I think it’s just a pink thing. Even boys like pink – at a certain stage. So maybe it’s not a gender thing. Perhaps it’s just a colour thing.
Anon commented on Oct 06 10 at 1:49 amYou cut your daughters beloved hair because you are lazy? That is terrible parenting. Why not just dress them in sacks because it would be easier to get them out the door?
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