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What Gay Divorce Teaches Us About Marriage
When we look at exuberant wedding photos, we never think, “Oh, good! Now those two can get divorced!”
But in fact, the right to a divorce is just as important as the right to marry.
In a charming, poignant essay in the Boston Globe, Jarrett Barrios talks about how marriage rights for same-sex couples also give these couples the right to a divorce, and why that’s so important.
Barrios knows whereof he speaks. As a state senator in Massachusetts, he was one of the first elected officials in the country to marry his same-sex partner. Now, after 16 years together, the couple have separated and are in the process of divorcing.
Barrios says he felt like a failure when his relationship fell apart. Happy gay and lesbian couples marching victoriously down the aisle together make a better image of gay marriage than hurt, angry people settling a divorce.
But Barrios deftly points out that a huge part of the benefit married couples get comes into play when a marriage doesn’t work out:
… as our families continue the march towards equality, the gay and lesbian community often doesn’t talk about divorce, even though some of the most important protections associated with marriage are exercised at the end of a relationship — protections that help the more economically vulnerable partner, give a formula for sharing the care of the children, and establish how two people can disentangle a life’s worth of acquisitions, compromises, and dreams.
He’s right. In the absence of the legal protections a marriage affords, people who entered into a relationship with love and good faith can find themselves left without a home, means of support, or contact with their children. Divorce courts are notoriously messy, subjective and unfair, but they’re better than nothing.
Photo: Mike Licht
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Samantha commented on Sep 03 10 at 10:34 pmOh no! What does it say about me that I DO look at those photos and wonder about gay divorce rates?
Thomas Alex commented on Sep 03 10 at 11:24 pmThe Gay divorce rate is less than 5%, looks like they know marriage better than the Straights.
e commented on Sep 04 10 at 9:04 amIt’s important to know that, because there is no federal marriage law, there is no federal right to divorce. Because my wife and I got married in New Hampshire if we ever want a divorce we would have to live in NH for six months to establish residency first. It’s unfortunate to have to think about that, but it is something we talked about at length before we decided to get married. Her career causes us to move around a lot and the residency law could be difficult to follow later… but fingers are crossed we’ll never have to worry about it!
ChiLaura commented on Sep 05 10 at 12:38 ame, you’re serious? I don’t understand how this works: Because NH is the state that holds your marriage license, it’s also the only one that will let you divorce? It seems preposterous that another state can’t grant you that right. I mean, if other states have to recognize your marriage, wouldn’t NH also have to recognize your divorce? This can’t be the case with all states, right?, otherwise it seems that it would be common knowledge.
Anyway, this divorce thing is essentially the only reason that I support gay marriage. (Actually, I only support civil union, but that goes for heteros, too: “Marriage” should only be the business of the church, and “civil union/contract marriage” should belong only to the state. But I digress.) I remember a Law & Order episode from years ago that featured a lesbian murdering her ex-partner because the ex wouldn’t let her see their daughter (this was roughly the idea anyway, I haven’t seen it since). Even though I’m not a fan of homosexuality, it’s obvious that having no protections in a breakup for kids or a dependent spouse is a really big deal. Civil unions for all!
e commented on Sep 05 10 at 11:45 amChiLaura- that’s just the thing, because of the Defense of Marriage Act other states DON’T have to recognize my marriage. So, when we’re here, we’re married. But the second we cross over the state line into Maine or fly to the midwest to visit our families, we’re nothing to one another. (Which is scary enough when it’s just the two of you, but downright TERRIFYING) when you have kids.
My understanding is that other states that have same-sex marriage will grant a divorce. All seven of them. But if a state doesn’t recognize your marriage, they can’t grant you a divorce.
Radical Dad commented on Sep 05 10 at 10:07 pmThis is actually true. Marriage is nothing but a prenuptial agreement. A huge celebration for two people becoming so intertwined that they want the government to step in if it goes wrong. It is our way of admitting that we can no longer control our love for each other.
Mistress_Scorpio commented on Sep 07 10 at 3:15 amI want some of what Radical Dad is smoking.
RustyShackleford commented on Sep 08 10 at 12:36 pmI think that, as a purely practical matter, all states should put ideology aside and at the very least grant divorces to same-sex couples married in other states, from a purely economic standpoint. The current patchwork of laws creates serious economic waste.
http://lawblog.legalmatch.com/2010/09/07/texas-refuses-to-grant-same-sex-divorce/
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