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Circumcise Me: Participating In Religious Rites You Don’t Really Believe In
Taffy Brodesser-Akner has written a piece for Salon detailing the feelings of angst and dread that washed over her while attending her youngest son’s bris. She admits to believing that circumcision is genital mutilation, and yet, she is compelled to have this ancient rite performed on her infant. She writes, “Looking down at my son, not even big enough to open his eyes and object, I am struck by the unfairness of it all. He has not chosen this; he is about to enter a covenant that he does not consent to.”
Ain’t that just life?
I mean, no child consents to their given, uh, circumstances. We’re all born randomly to families who believe – or don’t believe – in God, bringing light to their faith through an array of rituals ranging from fantastic to fearsome. (Genital mutilation probably falls closer to the darker side of the spectrum.) Some seriously crunchy types might tell you that babies are chubby little angels who sit on glowing orbs in heaven and look down on earth, scanning the populous in order to find their perfect parents, the special couple they have decided to bless with their love. I have to admit, I find that sort of story appealing from time to time, as if we’re all one, all part of the same great spiritual (read: positive) energy, and that my daughter has come to me like a spirit guide of sorts, challenging me and teaching me patience and the shunning of the ego.
And then I think about my own given circumstances, and how they toss that whole system askew. Because would I have chosen to be born into a Catholic family from Central New York filled with alcoholics and anxiety sufferers who don’t know how to communicate complicated thoughts without crying or yelling? I hope not. (Then again, maybe in my cherubic pre-born state I knew I wanted to be a comic and saw them as a fertile training ground.) But nonetheless, I love my family, and in a desire to honor my mother’s wishes, I chose to baptise my daughter, even though I don’t approve of the Catholic Church in any way, really. (I’m pro-choice, pro-gay marriage and against peeking up alter boys’ skirts.) I think the question is not whether I should have submitted my child to a religious rite I don’t believe in, but whether or not a religious rite has any meaning – or more importantly, effect – if you don’t believe in it.
In other words, can we pick and choose pieces of the religion we were raised with in order to suit our own purposes? Yes. Because as Brodesser-Akner writes, it’s not the men in robes who dictate what our experience with God has to be. She says, “We get so caught up in the method and persona of who is delivering the message that we forget that it is not they who control the information. It is just they who have first crack in your life at disseminating it. They are not messengers of God. They are merely messengers of your parents’ tuition dollar.” (Or in my case, messengers of the offertory collection.)
To some, I may be comparing apples and oranges, because having a priest sprinkle water on your child’s head is certainly more physically benign than asking a mohel to snip the tip. Newborns don’t know the difference between a baptism and a bath. I’m not sure I do, either. I know I thank God every time I take a shower. Showering, to a harried mother, can feel like a re-birth. It’s just that during a baptism, someone else is telling you God is there. A stranger is leading you – if you believe the happy hippies are onto something – back to the spirit of your Creator. But of course if you’re inclined to be spiritual (as opposed to Religious), you probably have a sense that God is everywhere, ready for you to indulge in him/her/it at any time, without a guide.
Regardless of how you feel about circumcision as a medical practice, you have to appreciate Brodesser-Akner’s intent. She explains that she went through with her son’s circumcision as a kind of trade-off. “I will give you this, God,” she says. “I will hurt my sons for you, and you, in exchange, will keep us safe.”
I’m well aware that those against cutting and/or the atheists out there will have no sympathy for the author, if not quite pathologizing the way she turns a blind eye to mutilation for the sake of Biblical magic, at least mocking it. A lot of people I know are atheists, and I respect that. But just as I’m uncomfortable with proselytising Christians, I bristle every time I hear someone cavalierly, arrogantly deny the existence of God. It’s not that I’m not okay with your choice not to believe, it’s just that I hate to hear non-believers suggest that everyone who believes in God is an idiot.
Then again, pretty much every atheist I know is childless, and as Brodesser-Akner notes, having a child changes your spiritual needs. She writes, “When we begin to have children, we cling to those beliefs; we cling to the hope that the universe is not random so that we can function.”
I understand that, and her magical thinking. She says, ”I’m not even stupid enough to think that I have any kind of guarantee that Haskel’s life will be blessed because of this…. I even leave room for the idea that religion is a made-up superstition whose goal is to function in exactly the way I’m using it. But I have to do what I can. Whatever our magic is, whatever spells we can cast, whatever wishes we need to make, whatever deals we can broker, we need to do what can. Sometimes, being a parent is just too much to handle without at least some wishing, without just a little magic.”
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28 Comments
carolyncastiglia commented on Aug 26 10 at 1:23 pmp.s. – I just thought everyone should know that I read this to my mother over the phone, who said, “Wow. That poor girl. She’s putting herself through an awful lot over something that happens every day.” Ha. Maybe I really did choose her.
DRo commented on Aug 26 10 at 2:37 pmWell, here is one atheist with children. Having children has not changed my “spiritual needs”.
Kent commented on Aug 26 10 at 3:33 pmIt would be interesting to see what would become of genital mutilation of non-consenting infants if the parents and doctor or ritual mutilator had to feel the pain they put the infant through.
BubbaJones commented on Aug 26 10 at 4:52 pmJust wondering if the Rabbi could perform the same operation on a dog and not face animal cruelty charges? My ancient pigmy tribe ancestors taught me that the Magic Super Friend in the sky said it was okay.
nick h. commented on Aug 26 10 at 5:14 pmMaybe you can ignore the pain you’re inflicting on your child and the numerous studies that show children do indeed feel pain more keenly the younger they are, maybe you can pretend that it’s ok to do something you know is wrong but can you ignore the risks to your baby? Click on the following link:-
http://www.ajc.com/news/nation-world/atlanta-lawyer-wins-11-573890.html
Read the above article, it’s not for the faint-hearted, and you may well weep.
If you are against the bris and would like a community with whom to share your thoughts with, please go to:-
http://againstbm.forumotion.co.uk
AwesomeCloud's mom commented on Aug 26 10 at 11:25 pmHi, another atheist parent here with no need for magical thinking. We do exist, and we’re not all mean, or exceptionally arrogant.
Marisela commented on Aug 27 10 at 1:49 amAnother atheist parent over here. In fact, becoming a mother was the motivation to go from “agnostic” to “atheist”. I had to be honest with myself in order to be honest with my kids. If you don’t know many atheist parents, google “Parenting Beyond Belief”. There is a big community of us out there.
K. commented on Aug 27 10 at 8:24 amWow. Usually I defend agnostics and atheists when people say negative things about them, but come on people – look how cold and unloving these comments are. @Marisela you mentioned being honest with your children, but nothing about love. @Awesome could you chose negatives (“not all mean”) instead of saying some of you are “nice”. @DRo your words have no feeling at all.
I truly hope that your children grow up with warmth and love even though the world may be a cold and bitter place in your mind.
bob commented on Aug 27 10 at 8:33 amMany atheists don’t advertise because they don’t want to generate hostility. That’s especially true off-line, where it’s personal.
DRo commented on Aug 27 10 at 8:51 amK. — what are you talking about? We merely stepped in to point out that, yes, atheists with children are quite common. No one asked us to comment about warmth and love. It amazes me that some people think that if you don’t believe in a god, that you are incapable of love or warmth. I assure you, I think the world is a wonderful place and my children are quite loved and happy. Atheists are just regular people. In fact, you may even know some, but not know they are atheists.
Amanda commented on Aug 27 10 at 1:01 pmI am a parent to two children and I am also an atheist. I was an atheist before having children and having children did not change that what so ever. I am an open-minded person and respect the fact that others have beliefs/disbeliefs different from my own. I can understand and have no problem with some of ‘non permanent’ things people do in the name of god, for example a baptism (I have witnessed a few, not my thing but harmless). I do not agree however that adults or parents have the right to force children into something as permanent as genital mutilation and my beliefs on that have nothing to do with being atheist! They should have the right to choose whether or not they want something permanent done to their bodies like having their genitals mutilated, piercings, tattoos etc. when they are of the age of a consenting adult.
James Loewen commented on Aug 27 10 at 2:50 pmSorry Taffy, but no amount of magical thinking will diffuse the reality of what a bris actually is, genital mutilation without consent. You loose Taffy, and so does your son. You had an opportunity to do what every mammalian mother does natually from her own instinct, protect her precious infant; but you were so steeped in your religion that you handed you child over for a superstitious ritual and had the most sexually sensate, protective part of his penis cut off.
You are in the modern age of communication, you have access to a computer and all the info out there and you choose to do this despite feeling “self-loathing.” There’s a reason you felt “self-loathing” that’s a natural response to the reality of the situation. You had religion carved into your son’s body when you’re not even really sure about that yourself. Your son will have his own ideas about his body and his own ideas about spirituality.
The person who cut your son was similarly cut as a child. All of the people telling you to cut were cut themselves in the same way, or forced to override their own natural protective instincts and give up children as you did, and then they had to tell others it was the best thing to do, for “health reasons.”
Genital mutilation is passed down in the same manner as other forms of child abuse, the abused have to do that or reflect upon their own experience. It’s painful to look at reality of circumcision. Painfully obvious.
Your genitals are intact, aren’t they Taffy? No one felt you needed to be cut down for the demands of a patriarcal sky god did they?
Circumcision is finally being understood and discussed, many people now realize this is a barbaric Bronze age ritual that has no place in modern humane society. The feelings you had were heightened by increased oxytocin, the reaction of humans to seeing violence inflicted.
Your son’s cortisol levels are now measurably through the roof as a result off this trauma. Measurable in his amygdala for over six months after the trauma. Sexual wounding an innocent child is sick.
Taffy Brodesser-Akner commented on Aug 27 10 at 2:56 pmThanks everyone for an interesting start to a conversation. I wrote the piece that’s blogged about above, and I have to say, between here and the much more, er, colorful comments on Salon (really, how many times can I be referred to as a Nazi for circumcising my sons?! Even I’m not that hard on myself), I find it interesting that people think this is a debate about whether or not do a bris. I was never not going to do the bris. What I hoped this piece is about (and I even say this in the essay) was about the things we do to cope with the anxiety of parenting. Some rational — vaccinations! Some irrational — kneepads at playgrounds! Some that are downright voodoo. I’m not berating anyone’s religious beliefs, least of all mine. I’m just trying to point to how different things became for me vis a vis my relationship with God once I had very much to lose. I’d love to have THAT conversation. Pretend it’s not circumcision. Pretend it’s some weird superstition I do. Imagine that, and then let’s talk about how scary the magnitude of parenting is sometimes when we really think about it. That’s a much harder discussion than stating your own beliefs on circumcision or religion, no?
Marj commented on Aug 27 10 at 3:12 pmI’m an atheist and I had my boys circumsized. And it’s ridiculous to think we choose our families. Nobody would choose abusive drunks, and yet they have kids all the time. It’s just another self-serving myth that places blame on the innocent.
Amber commented on Aug 27 10 at 6:33 pmI’m an atheist, I love my son more than life itself, and I would never cut his penis.
Hugh7 commented on Aug 27 10 at 8:11 pmI’d have felt a lot more sympathy for Brodesser-Akner’s belief in magic if she’d sacrificed a chicken (especially if she’d then cooked and eaten it). Her article was all about HER feelings, none about Haskel’s, nor his choice about how much of his own genitals he might have wanted to keep and enjoy as a man.
@BubbaJones: the answer to your question is No. Dogs get more protection from genital cutting than baby boys.
@carolyncastiglia’s mother: It doesn’t just happen every day; people choose to make it happen, many putting themselves through the same anguish and self-loathing as Taffy, but until they can shake off their “mind-forged manacles” (and being mind-forged, a shake is all it takes) it will continue to happen. The good news is that more and more are choosing to make it not happen. Contact details for celebrants of Brit Shalom (Brit B’li Milah) are at http://shalom.notlong.com. One in NYC has performed hundreds.
You don’t have to be an atheist – just not believe it is feasible that God really cares whether men have all of their bits left on.
Mistress_Scorpio commented on Aug 28 10 at 3:54 amI’m an atheist that chose to leave my sons as God made them.
Joshua commented on Aug 28 10 at 6:37 pmThe point is, you’re incapable of deciding for another human being what their religion will be when they grow up. Mutilating your child’s genitals in the hopes that he will continue the religion that requires it is completely disrespectful of the child and the adult that child will become.
Mistress_Scorpio commented on Aug 29 10 at 2:24 amOn another note, I am squicky about using the term “mutilated” in place of male circumcision as practiced in the US. Mutilated is what is done to the genetals of women in third world societies, rendering them incapable of pleasure and leaving them in life long pain. When foreskin removal, however traumatizing because it is done without consent, is conflated as to be on par with the same horror inflicted on these women… it makes non-circ advocates come across as a touch hysterical. If you have to borrow language of another atrocity to push your agenda, it’s assholish and disrespectful of those who suffer the greatest loss.
Eqaul commented on Aug 31 10 at 9:38 am@mistress_Scorpio; Of course I’m presupposing when I say this, but something tells me mistress_Scorpio that your genitals have never been mutilated. Please, allow me to reference Webster’s Dictionary on the word “mutilate:1 to injure or disfigure by removing or irreparably damaging parts. 2 to deprive a living being of a limb or other essential part. to cut – to maim”. I am a young male, with a recently acquired degree and currently enrolled into law school, i guess you could say I’m no dummy and certainly not ignorant. When I was an infant my foreskin was amputated. My proof is in the scars up, down, and around my penis. I have never once experience the protection nor felt the pleasure produced from having the thousands of nerves and other unique skin types found exclusively in my foreskin. If you’re going to brush these facts off as emotional than you are the one who is ignorant, and especially if you think that there are any real benefits that safe sex and antibiotics can’t fix. If you’re curious as to what is typically removed during circumcision google: “what is lost during circumcision” the first three pages should help you at least taste the problem.
Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of happiness to all those who object to Genital Mutilation regardless of GENDER
Marj commented on Aug 31 10 at 9:59 pmOnce again, I gotta agree with you Scorp. Even if you are firmly against circumcision, it is not fair to compare it to FGM. Perhaps it seems the same, but I had a fairly active youth and I never met a circumcised man who was unable to enjoy sex. Not one. They also seem to spend just as much time enjoying sex alone as uncircumcised men. It’s not about gender, it’s about results. Also, your argument isn’t really with Scopio, because she is against circumcision as well. She just doesn’t see it as the same as FGM (because it isn’t).
Rebecca commented on Sep 01 10 at 12:10 pmNot touching the circ stuff, but this is a problem we will face in the future. My hubby and I are both Protestant, as are my parents, but his family especially on his mother’s side, are Catholic or Episcopalian. They are going to push us to follow through with all the High Church rituals, especially infant baptism. I absolutely will not. My husband thinks we should just do it to make them happy, but I have never believed in baptizing children. It seems awfully pointless to me, because I don’t believe babies need that protection. Blame my Baptist preacher father.
Eh. We won’t baptize our kids as babies just to make MIL happy, but we will have them christened at their church. It will have to be enough.
Equal commented on Sep 02 10 at 10:32 am@marj: Marj I wonder if you missed the definition of Mutilation? Also did you know that close to a billion men have under gone forced genital mutilation? Did you know marj that the number of men forcibly mutilated exceeds the number of females mutilated by multiples of five or more? Did you know marj that both MGM and FGM remove healthy and severely sensitive tissues from the victims? Did you know marj that genital cutting on non-consenting individuals is wrong regardless of sex?
life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness to all those who aren’t ignorant, like you marj.
Marj commented on Sep 02 10 at 1:10 pmLOL – so I’m excluded from life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness? I am aware of all those numbers but I am also aware that many women who undergo certain types of genital mutilation cannot enjoy sex at all, ever. That is not true of circumsized men, which was really my only point. I’m not quibbling with your term mutilation, which I do not agree with, but do respect your right to view it as such. Much like with tongue piercings. I think of that as mutilation of a vital muscle in such a way as can cause permanent damage to the muscle and your teeth. However, I am not going to get in anyone’s way of getting it done.
Equal commented on Sep 04 10 at 11:10 am@marj- if someone who is over the age of 18 wants to remove their foreskin then it can be called circumcision. When they removed mine before I could even udder a word in defense, that is mutilation. If you’re going to sit their and tell me that I was not mutilated then you are completely ignorant.
Equal commented on Sep 08 10 at 10:33 pmCan’t argue with logic, can you marj?
Joshua commented on Sep 19 10 at 4:58 amFreedom of religion should not give a parent the right to force circumcision on their son because their religion demands it. It should protect the son, and allow him to make the choice for himself.
Any religion that promotes proving your faithfulness by chopping off other people’s body parts should be seriously questioned. And in my opinion, condemned.
Katie commented on Jun 26 11 at 4:09 pmI am Agnostic Pagan and my Husband is Atheist. We are proud and loving parents and I am deeply offended that we would be painted as otherwise, solely because we are not Christian. There are hundreds of religions on this planet that are healthy and productive, and a good amount of them are not Christian. To say someone is less of a parent for belonging to one of them is blatant hate and discrimination. Or to (loosely) say that becoming a parent converts one to Christianity is also a horrible thing to say. That’s saying that what they were beforehand was lesser and untrue and once they became a parent they saw the error of their ways. I am just as spiritual now as I was beforehand. Becoming a Mother didn’t make me one iota closer to becoming a Christian, thank you. And if I may brag for one moment, I am one awesome Mother. Please educate yourself on religions and faiths that you are unfamiliar with. Hate and discrimination is a poison on this planet.
Blessed Be.
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