Eh, his comments are not overly offensive. He does use the word “renegotiate.” It does seem like this answer misses the point though – this isn’t just about a “deal” but really about how you make choices for your family. He seems to completely gloss over the happiness of the family and the saying that “happy parents mean happy children.” Doesn’t seem like he has his finger on the pulse of anyone’s reality.

I am probably going to get smacked down for saying this, but I have to agree with Dr. Phil on this one. You decided that for the health and well being of your children that you would stay home in the early years with your kids. If your not comfortable with daycare, that isn’t going to change suddenly because you are not happy at home. I have to think that there has got to be a happy medium out there. What about pre-school. Typically you can find a good quality pre-school that is 2 hours or so in the morning. Many even have a lunch program where the kids can stay an extra hour or so. That is not every day since most pre-schools are only 2 or 3 days a week, but it would give the mother a break and a chance to work. Another option is to hire a babysitter a couple hours a week in the afternoons. That way she can get some work done while somebody else is watching the kids. Both are much cheaper options then full time daycare, and strike a balance between what the mother wants and what the father wants. I don’t think Dr. Phil dropped the ball at all. You make a deal with your spouse you can’t just suddenly decide to go back on that deal. You can as a couple however discuss how each of you feels if one changes their mind, and come up with a good compromise that is good for everyone.

A good preschool and returning to work part-time sounds like a possible starting point for ‘renegotiating’ since the parents don’t like the idea of daycare (and I’ll leave that at that). Clearly, hubs isn’t holding up his end of the bargain either.

But yeah, the way the response is worded, as though her husband is her boss, and that she signed up to some employment contract is gross. The situation is working for either adult, which means the children have too unhappy parents, so the idea that one of them should just ‘suck it up’ for another four years is absurd.

I like Dr. Phil and his honest responses. She asked, he answered. However, in this case, I did not like the first paragraph. If she is not happy staying home, after seeing what is like for her, she has all the right to talk to her husband. I guess she would have done better if she would had thought about it better and found her solution and then later told her husband about her decision and that she would listen to any suggestions from him, as long as they were fair to her. I think she has all the right to change her mind but she should had let the issue to be resolve at home.

Wow, my first response needed some editing. Guess that’s what happens when I type pre-coffee. Chiming in again to say that I agree with Renee that brining up GPS tracking devices doesn’t seem to be beside the point so much as part of a completely different conversation!

Isn’t anyone’s word worth anything anymore? Also, how about not being so selfish? As a mom who HAS to work, I get so tired of SAHMs complaining. Dr. Phil was diplomatic. I would have told her to quit her whining and go take care of her kids.

GPS tracking devices? I think there is some validity to sticking with a plan, BUT, people change their minds. My husband and I, for example, agreed I would stay home for three years, but, I renegotiated five to six, since we planned me not earning anything, and instead I earned decent money and can stretch longer, so it can go either way. I think she should try the interim solutions of getting some part-time childcare, sending them to preschool, etc. to make it work first, then see where it goes. I do the same kind of work she does (more or less) and never had any illusions about “advancing” my career while doing it part time from home…it was more about just holding on to as much as I could and keeping current while earning some extra dough.

Hmmm…I don’t see the now or never urgency of the choice, actually. That seems a little immature.

Thanks for the link Bob. That made for some happy lunchtime reading.

Why can’t she work the opposite shift of her husband? Many families do this, either because they need to or because the SAH parent wants to spend time with adults. Even part time in the evenings would keep her skills up to date and get her out of the house.

Supporting her is part of the deal and she owes him the same if she was working or not. Ultimatums work because everybody has needs and everybody has the right for their needs to be met. Don’t act as if she is a servant because she is not earning an income and she doesn’t get a say on how to live her life. He wants her to make a sacrifice, my two options require him to make a sacrifice as well for the good of his family. An overly stress mom is not good a thing for the kids and can lead to child abuse. And I don’t believe the choices I gave him would lead to a combative environment, it is verbalizing the limitations of the mother –she can do one or the other, not both. And maybe he cannot see that because HE wants it all at the detriment of his family.

Bob, that is the best thing I’ve read all day.

Uhm, there’s not really a whole host of these kind of office jobs that have evening hours. If evening hours are the solution, couldn’t she continue to do what she’s doing, work freelance, but do it in the evenings? And, uh, maybe just maybe he wants to actually SEE his wife in the evenings? Is that so wrong? People in successful marriages don’t give each other ultimatums. They work through things, they make compromises, etc. I think Dr. Phil is a little silly, but in this case, he does give good advice. “Bloom where you’re planted” is actually one of the best concepts.

OK, to everyone out there who thinks that it is perfectly acceptable to give anybody, in any kind of relationship and ultimatum. Get over yourself. That is no way to treat anybody. It is fine to change your mind, and to want to do something other than what you originally agreed on, but to say, do it my way or else. Is purely selfish and immature. I am sorry if you don’t like the way that sounds, but the truth hurts sometimes. Put the shoes on the other foot. How would you react if somebody said that to you. “You have to let me ________.” Please I can guarantee that you would be spitting bullets. All giving an ultimatum does is make everybody in the situation angry and resentful. Do yourself a favor and try to come to a compromise.

I think only one person offered an ultimatum, and that was me. Everyone else said something along the lines of “can’t she find a compromise”. So in conclusion, Heather you have poor reading comprehension. And if my husband said to me, “Honey, I am miserable. I can’t do all blank1, blank2 and blank3. Can I do just blank1 and blank2?” Shouldn’t I condsider his limitations instead of saying, “suck it up you giant whiny baby”. I think expecting people to do more than what they are capable of is a recipe for disaster.

I don’t devalue the work I do as a SAHM, it’s IMPORTANT that I am there for my young child and especially when she was a baby, but I will admit, it’s not really hard work. It’s pretty easy and it’s pretty fun. So, I do feel that my husband supports me, yeah, since I’d have a pretty crappy standard of living if it wasn’t for his income now, or, I’d have to put my DD in daycare. It’s not that I don’t value the work of a SAHM, it’s just that it’s not really that hard to care for your own kid all day…in my experience. While I do yoga, go to playgrounds, have lunch with friends, do arts and crafts, go to the pool, he rides a crappy hot train and sits and works at a computer all day long…so, I am pretty grateful to him, yeah. As this woman should be. Nobody is saying that her needs and feelings aren’t important, but I think she might negotiate a transition before delivering ultimatums. Nothing in her letter to ol Dr. Phil indicated that we were at the ultimatum stage yet, anyway, but some hot-headed angry feministas on here just automatically are at that level straight out of the gate. The woman writing the letter was herself conflicted about daycare.

Respect Heather, that’s a great point (and a cheeky experiment)!

What cracks me up about this story (aside from the link to dickipedia – thanks bob!) is that these people have a problem and instead of working through it and arriving at a compromise (half a dozen come to mind right away!) they think, ‘Hmmm, how can we resolve this? I know! Let’s bring in Dr Phil!’ That is pure comedy to me.

I don’t buy this ‘a deal’s a deal’ rubbish, either. When we make decisions as a couple, we always base them on the assumption that the final decision is the best one we can make for all interested parties. We are always open to discussion, and tweaking things to ensure we are doing the best we can to keep every member of the family as happy, fulfilled, cared for, etc., as our circumstances can allow. Isn’t that just what adults do?

(Flexibility and open dialogue make for more successful relationships, don’t they?)

Gretchen, how ridiculous. That’s YOUR experience. You’re “grateful” to your husband — good for you. But this woman would not have written in if she were not frustrated with being at home. I can see her point. When I tried being a SAHM I found it stifling and soul-destroying, and this was even though I loved being with my kids. I have a lot of other talents, I have higher earning potential than my husband, I have life goals I am not ready to give up, and I need bigger challenges. Oh, and I found childcare arrangements and career flexibility that I was comfortable with (daycare is NOT the only option out there). So maybe you’re happy going to yoga or whatever and not really using your brain. More power to you. That’s not for me, and it’s clearly not for this woman either.

Staying at home with your kids equals not using your brain? WOW. I don’t even stay at home full-time, but that is just deeply offensive on so many levels.

“When I tried being a SAHM I found it stifling and soul-destroying, and this was even though I loved being with my kids.” Well, if that’s not the very definition of love, I don’t know what is. @@.

I wonder if that band name has been taken: Soul Destroyer

^^^^^^^x10.
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That said, I thought the putative letter writer sounded kinda whiny and lacking in perspective. If she exists, I’d tell her to look at the 6 years that she had prepared to stay home against the backdrop of her whole lifetime to do important things out in the world, or to consider US service(wo)men who have been called back for multiple tours of duty, or for single moms in poverty who have no other choice but to work, coal miners, roustabouts, Darfur refugees, the list goes on. Losing a few years of progress on your career as a web designer so that you can hang out with two of the coolest people you may ever know doesn’t sound so bad in comparison. I probably would have come off dickier than Dr. Phil, but oh well. It’s not really different from what I tell myself when I’m feeling a little self-pity.
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A little salvo for the SAHMs (who already know this): Most people do not have super-important careers that make any obvious difference in the world. Most people are schlubs with a job. They are working for a paycheck, not to make use of their super brainpowers that cannot be kept in the cupboard. Most people create meaning in their lives after they clock out of whatever milquetoast thing pays the bills. Even people with fun, fulfilling jobs feel this way fairly often.

So it IS using your brain to “do yoga, go to playgrounds, have lunch with friends, do arts and crafts, go to the pool.” I stand corrected, lol.

And, once again, that’s bob for the win ladies and gentlemen.

michelle, I was contrasting the nice free time and fun I have with my kid vs an office job, you DO use your mind doing yoga and doing arts and crafts with kids and taking them to the pool too, actually, and when I have lunch with friends, we talk about current events….so, yeah…in addition, I have a part-time, at home consulting job…and even if I didn’t work for money, like what the other moms are saying, raising children certainly does use the brain…

GP: Thank you.