one of the positives about working mothers is that they seek out high-quality child care? of course they do. they work all day. i don’t see how that’s “better” than a stay-at-home mom who cares for her child herself.

here we go!! I will always feel guilty for not being able to stay with my kids because I have to work full-time. The same way I feel guilty when I leave my kids at home with their dad so I can go to the grocery store. It is not about working it’s about wanting to be with them because they are my babies. Society does not impart any pressure on me, because I am my own person and do not rely on what others think of my decisions. At the same time, I do not regret having my kids on daycare because the have great social skills and are very outgoing. Which will be very beneficial for them in the long run. And yes, I seem to have a lot more patience with my kids than the stay at home moms I know and my kids behave better as well.

@Sara: So, it *didn’t* say that, but it was “implied.” Yes, it would be a nonsensical comparison, so why jump to that conclusion? It would be like me pointing out about how they also state that working mothers have higher incomes (“what?? compared to a stay-at-home mom?? how DARE they imply that?).

@Sara, many SAHMs also hire part time nannies or care givers to help them out. I know several full time moms who have full time nannies so they can spend time shopping and cooking and partying while the child spends the day in a park with the nanny.
At the end of the day, how sensitive we are to our children’s needs, and how seriously we take their development is what matters.
Whatever works for one and makes one comfortable is what one should do – there is no right or wrong way.
I think times have changed a lot from when the earlier studies were done, and working for a few hours might not be so bad.
I agree with Rosana, I feel guilty when I leave my child to go for anything – be it groceries or a doctor’s appointment or work – because I want to spend time with her.

I love how there are constant articles/studies about this, and meanwhile most women work and our society is not supportive of extended maternal leave. Maybe if we collectively agreed to a longer maternal leave women could both be home with their infants and then return to work at a reasonable time. A longer maternal leave is just “not done” and so even women that could afford a non-paid leave don’t take that option. Not sure what the point of all of this research is other than to make women feel bad and keep them out of the work force? It seems like there’s an extreme conservative agenda behind most of it, given that no one wants to help working mothers stay home at the appropriate time.

I don’t see what the point is of all this research when people know in their hearts what’s best. The sad thing is, we can’t always do it. But, we know. It sounds like the WP article was poorly written. I’m going to go check it ou.

The WP article says “Infants raised by mothers with full-time jobs scored somewhat lower on cognitive tests, deficits that persisted into first grade. But that negative effect was offset by several positives. Working mothers had higher income. They were more likely to seek high quality child care. And they displayed greater ‘maternal sensitivity,’ or responsiveness toward their children, than stay-at-home mothers. Those positives canceled out the negatives.”

This “canceling out” seems very, very subjective to me. Babies don’t really care what your income is and they need you when they need you, they don’t necessarily need you to be super-great for the 3-4 hours you happen to be available to them. It is not my intention to make moms who need to work feel guilty. I bet that happens to them just fine without my help. I do have to call BS in the interpretation of the data —however shaky the data itself even may be. For instance in the “instruments” section where it says how different aspects of development and well-being were measured, there seems to be a lot of self-reporting where a mom or caregiver would day how well the child was faring, and how in the world do you determine a baby’s attitude toward maternal employment. Let’s be really honest with ourselves…babies want their moms.

I think the writer phrased that badly. Obviously, there’s no way to clearly define which pro balances which con, but I think the point they were going for is that the pros must balance the cons if there is no measurable overall effect.

There WAS a measurable effect: “Infants raised by mothers with full-time jobs scored somewhat lower on cognitive tests, deficits that persisted into first grade.” It was OPINION that higher income offset this, and if the childcare was such “high quality” then why was there a deficit at all? The fact is, that MOST affordable childcare is not high in quality. I say that not to make working parents feel bad, but because it’s true.

Interpretation of the data: There is a congnitive difference to the first grade, afterward it made no difference.

It would be interesting to know what the researchers consider “normal” cognitive behavior. I’ve seen studies that define a baby slamming his head off crib bars for several hours a day as “normal”. Are tantrums “normal”? Is crippling separation anxiety “normal”? You need to know the definition of “normal” before you can really draw any conclusions. And cognitive delays that persist into first grade as a result of daycare is NOT a good thing. People hardly ever feel guilty for doing the right thing. Working mothers feel guilty for some very good reasons. The solution is not to get more mothers working, but rather to make it possible for mothers to stay at home with their small children until those cognitive delays are a thing of the past.

I agree that it matters how old the kids are. I can’t imagine any 4 month old baby thinking, “This is so awesome being away from my mom – now I can socialize!” That’s not to say that babies in day care will not be fine, I’m sure they will. Just like formula fed babies will be fine. That doesn’t mean it should be illegal to say that breast milk is ideal, or a baby being with it’s mother for at least a year is ideal. All the other variations don’t seem to make that much of a difference in the long run (you can’t look around your office and tell who was or wasn’t sent to day care or breastfed, etc.), and being in a positive and supportive family is obviously more important. That doesn’t mean that all other things being equal, that there is no difference whatsoever whether a baby is with a parent or in day care.

Daycares should be of much higher quailty and held to much higher standards. I do think part of the problem is that truly high quality daycare costs much more than the average working person can afford. Knowing this is an ongoing problem, I think that parents have to consider this in the equation when considering staying home with an infant versus returning to work. It really amazes me how oblivious some people are to poor quality care.

I would probably agree, also, that many cognitive shortcomings might work themselves out after first grade, sure. My issue is more with the emotional, and spiritual aspects of it, the unmeasurable things that it seems very few people believe in anymore. I just could not in good conscience expose my infant to something I knew would be discomforting to her and beyond what was appropriate for her age level. (Conversely, if a kid—kid, not baby–just didn’t want to go to school or something, that’s another story). But, I am talking about babies. Babies who just are meant to be held close, cuddled, talked to and made to feel like they are the most important thing in the world. Can we not give them ONE YEAR?

I’ve been at home for the past 10 years, but I did work some during the first three years of my daughter’s life. She was only in daycare six hours a week because my husband and I both adjusted our schedules to minimize her daycare hours. We don’t really believe in putting young children in daycare. I hope that doesn’t offend anyone. It’s something our famly felt strongly about so we adjusted accordingly. I know that staying home with my children for the past 10 years has been a privilege not everyone has though, so I feel grateful rather than superior.

The truth is that no study can say what is right for a particular family. And it’s dangerous to generalize. There are some kids who might do better if their mom was home and some kids who thrive more in daycare. Also, we always talk about working moms and leave dads out of the discussion. The truth is that this is such a nuanced topic that a small article or blog post doesn’t do it justice. It is worthy of a Ph.D dissertation and I’m sure someone is working on one right now!
And to the person who pointed out that my kids are not babies, you’re absolutely right. Also, I realize that I’m lucky because I can generally work from home which is a pretty ideal situation and one that’s hard to come by! I agree that cultural expectations regarding work-life balance have to change.

I have to agree. A three year old kid might “do better” in a school or day care setting, but I can’t imagine any 3 month old being better off in daycare unless the mother is particularly bad at being with the baby. In a quality child care arrangement (whether it’s a nanny or day care), the difference might not be so pronounced. It still doesn’t make sense to me to suggest that some babies, just based on their own uniqueness, would thrive more away from their parents. I’m not saying babies in child care don’t or can’t do well, I’m just not sure why some babies would do BETTER in day care.

Ugh. I can’t even get through all these comments. I’m gonna pull a GP here and promise to never comment at SB again, because I am so sick of seeing y’all tear each other up about these weak mommy war studies. These are population data, people. They have very little to do with your individual child. If you’re getting yourself worked up about this, you are a better parent than most people who were subjects in this study. This study is not about you and your choices.

Also, I’m with wohm. I’m sick of the conservative assumptions that underlie the notion that we “know in our hearts” that moms staying at home is best. There are whole universes of alternatives that involve people pulling together as a society to support raising children. Unfortunately, the US is not one of these societies. Too often the attitude here is a kind of smug perspective that only well-off people can raise kids well, and I’ve seen it implied in the comments that people who can’t afford to stay home shouldn’t have kids. This is an incredibly reactionary attitude, and frankly I’d rather hang out online with more progressive-thinking parents.

Things my 20-month-old son has never experienced the days he is in day care (the one he has attended since he was 4-months-old, which, though expensive, is a national chain most folks are probably familiar with):

Television
Somebody talking on the phone versus paying attention to him
Somebody trying to clean/cook/take a shower instead of spending time with him
Having to be shuffled around town while one is completing errands and the like
Irregular schedule from day to day
(Presumably) somebody snapping at him or losing their cool (our school has excellent teachers, and it is really hard to imagine them even raising their voice as they are a great bunch of women)

He does have a daily curriculum following a weekly theme (transportation, outer space, etc.), gets to interact with a bunch of kids of all different ethnicities, and does regular art projects (that don’t get canceled because somebody is maxed out for the day).

I’m not implying this routine can’t be accomplished by a SAHM, but it certainly can’t be accomplished by me. At home I do things I feel I need to do around the house, trying to be sensitive to my son’s needs for nap and play time. I fit him into my schedule versus developing a whole day’s schedule around him. I go into maintenance mode – let’s get through the day with a minimal amount of tantrums – versus how can I provide a completely enriching day. Just throwing it out there that day cares are not all bad…

I don’t hear alot of sanctimony in these comments. In fact, I sense a holding back. At least I am holding back because I’ve been SO vilified in the past for expressing an opinion. You can’t make truth where it is not. It’s not non-progressive to think that babies belong with their mothers. It’s REALITY. You can deny it to suit your lifestyle needs. That’s entirely your choice. But, don’t kid yourself or pretend its a matter of being “progressive” or not. Frankly, I don’t care if I come off as progressive or conservative. In the case of moms caring for babies, conservatives probably get it right, anyway. The MAJORITY of mothers put their babies in daycare, according to the study, so how “progressive” is that anyway. “Progressive”…does that mean having to do with progress? How is it progress to leave babies four to one with someone who doesn’t have any emotional investment in them? It’s sad that people either HAVE to do this, or think that they have to do this. No, I am not better than you. I am blessed and enlightened. But, you have to accept your blessing and create the space for it. If you are closed to the idea that you should be with your baby, then you’ll never get the blessing.

Also, Babble and Strollerderby are both painfully mainstream. I don’t think anyone would argue otherwise.

Samantha, I second your “nope”. It is not a matter of others understanding why our kids go to daycare. It is just that is bs that my kid will be delayed or else because he went to daycare at 3 months old and let alone my daughter that went to daycare right at 6 weeks old *gasp* :) I figure that if there was any problem with them, the will manifest thru their behavior and I have never seen happier kids than mine. The smile all the time, reach their milestones accordingly and some of them ahead of the set age, they take their naps, etc.
I guess some kids could have it the same at home as if there were on those bad daycares that they mention here, where moms loses her cool and yells at him/her, starts a war with her kids everytime they do not want to take a nap, brush their teeth, etc. So to each their own, and instead of assuming you know all circumstances and motivations that make moms put their kids on daycare (or rush them to daycare like some have assumed here) they should just be happy with their decision and stop justifying it.

I intentionally distanced myself from K’s comment, and I said, “(Well, not too many people)” because I don’t agree with what she said. I also don’t agree with the flimsy interpretation of the study, and I don’t think everyone who questions the “results” should be lumped together.

You go, Bean’s Mom! And I think you have a valid point–I worked very, very, very hard for my degrees and paid good freaking money for them. Why can’t I use them?? My field doesn’t allow me to work from home. And, shame on me for not stopping to think my birth control might fail, but me and the hubs got drunk on my birthday and had sex in a closet, and 9 months later, whoops! We had the baby that we had said we wanted to wait another 6 years to have! But, again, I worked really hard for my degrees, and I went to a great school so I could get a great job, which I have now. And, might I add, NEED now. We got pregnant without a plan, but it happens to A LOT of people. So, my son goes to daycare. And he loves it. :)

“Things my 20-month-old son has never experienced the days he is in day care (the one he has attended since he was 4-months-old, which, though expensive, is a national chain most folks are probably familiar with):

Television
Somebody talking on the phone versus paying attention to him
Somebody trying to clean/cook/take a shower instead of spending time with him
Having to be shuffled around town while one is completing errands and the like
Irregular schedule from day to day
(Presumably) somebody snapping at him or losing their cool (our school has excellent teachers, and it is really hard to imagine them even raising their voice as they are a great bunch of women)…”

But many of things are normal parts of life…that’s part of the problem I have with daycare for young children…this is the time of life, especially, where EVERYTHING is a learning experience, structured activities matter less than individualized attention to them, on their terms, and the opportunity for SELF-DIRECTED play…

I have no stake in saying I am better than anyone else and I certainly understand that people make choices based on a variety of factors, like BeansMom and JBoogie mentioned…I just like to put forth other ideas because there could be people who are not yet moms reading these posts in preparation for later life, or there could be people open to other ideas about raising children, and I think the things I have learned that I hold to be true about small children are very important things to consider when making those choices.

The stay-at-homes’ spirits are probably crushed by the school system, and the daycare kids are long used to it, so they equalize. (Just kidding…sort of…)

Bob, you raise excellent questions. I wonder how many of the atypical results they had to throw out to come up with their conclusion. Also, the stay-at-homes probably don’t thrive as well in a situation where they have to deal with the shared attention of a single adult. Maybe there’s some period of adjustment there not being taken into consideration.

you can see my “S” button seems not to be working great…Sorry!

Babies do have to learn to share too and it starts right away, some babies even have siblings their parents have to tend to as well. Your theory is fine if their is only one child at home. But tends to lose credibilty when you start adding real life factors into the equation for instance: husband, dogs or cats, or taking a shower. At day care or even in a stay at home situation babies have to learn to wait, they may not like or even understand it but it is part of life. And the reason I use the word kids is because once they are in 1st grade they are no longer babies; I am talking about them at that point in their lives. I seen parents with their kids and with other people kids and the interactions are usually less fair than with a impartial moderator between sharing “situations”. I think kids in daycare learn sharing much better than kids from sahp situations because the babies and kids have to do it all day long. Which may be why the cognitive advantage is loss shortly after 1st grade.

GP, I think you are holding on to the idea that all daycares must be demeaning factory type operations. There are in fact other options out there. While I would have liked to be at home for the first 6 months, and should have done that, it is not “done” in my field.However my daughter was well taken care of by a very intelligent in-home care provider and I minimized the amount of time she was there. Now as a toddler she does better in that daycare then she does with grandma. I think instead of all of us being defensive we should encourage choices and acceptance in the workplace of a longer leave, even if partially paid or something like it. We should also raise the standards in daycares. There was one center I went to that caused me to leave crying, so I can understand why some people think daycares are so inferior. What I would like to know GP and MS is what kind of role model you are providing for your daughters and sons. It’s fine to be a SAHM, but you are so judgmental of women that have careers. You also dont’ seem to be in favor of supporting those women with extended leaves from their workplace. What does that say to your children about how you value women?

bob I didn’t choose the daycare route, but I can understand the choice. It seems on this forum this are only two choices: daycare or momcare. In reality there are many choices people use for childcare. Personally, I would love grandmacare but it is unavailable in my area.

@JEssica: I’m a SAHM that utilizes part-time daycare. I’m for whatever works for families. It does me no purpose to judge how someone else is raising their child, as long as everyone is happy, healthy, thriving and staying off my lawn!

wohm, as far as being a role model to my daughter, I have been a consultant since she was born and will either continue to do so or go back to work for someone else once she is in school full time…what seems to keep being missed in most of the comments is that babies/infants have very different needs from CHILDREN…I’m not at all judgemental of women having careers, I just think that when you have a baby, you need to prioritize and if that means your career takes a hit, so be it, life is long, you rebuild…I could be in support of extended leaves, ie job protection for a year, but not having it be paid by employers (unless they choose freely to do this as a benefit) or by taxpayers…there are people that have 2, 3, 4 kids…are they going to keep dropping out while the rest of the country pays? there’s no reason why people can’t plan and make their own arrangements…I agree that utilizing part-time daycare for children over 1, and utilizing preschool, grandparents, etc. etc. are all smart and viable ideas. I don’t believe that a baby under 1 (not like it’s some magic age, but for the sake of argument) should be away from mom for very long each day…I could say I am for whatever works for families, too, sure. What your family does is your choice. I am just saying what I think is best, which is why I chose it. I certainly don’t think I need to be paying (via the gov programs people keep suggesting) for people to put their careers before their children, though.

I already said what I thought about the study and the reporting on it!

GP, thanks for that last post. It was kind of life’s way of biting me in the ass when I got pregnant–I am the ultimate in lists and organization, plans and budgeting. And then, me, my husband, and Jose Cuervo had a loooonnngg night. So, it’s daycare for us. I can’t say for sure what I would have done if I would have had kids by my ‘plan’, but for now, I need to work for financial security as well as health insurance (HOLY CRAP, health insurance!). And I love my job, and I worked hard to get where I am. As for the study–normal is relative.

@JEssica: sorry, I totally muddled my point. It was in reference to there being only two choices on this forum, daycare or momcare. I was just stating that I am an oddity in that I do both.
@bob: Agreed. Many of these early childhood studies are observational, or parent-reported. Since you can’t do a double-blind randomized study with a child, I think we are all better off taking these studies that justify/threaten our parenting philosophies with a grain of salt.

Studies are not needed to tell you what is better for your family or if your children are being negatively affected by your decisions. We all know our kids and know when something is not right for them. For me, my kids are thriving even when away from me, and guess what, that is exactly what I want for them not only now but when they grow up. Second, I have seen plenty of kids that stayed with mom at home for the first year and still have not only cognitive but also social and emotional problems. So again, to each their own. Sometimes is necessary to take a step back if daycare is affecting your kid negatively (not my case) or send your kid to daycare if staying home is not good for him/her or the mom.

I make more then 70% of our household income, so no matter how much I want to be home, I can not. I am lucky to have on-site daycare at work which provides superior care for a subsidized rate. Still a lot of money per year, but excellent care. My oldest, 2.5 yrs,has been there his whole life and loves it. He can’t wait to get to school every day. I know that if I stayed home with him he wouldn’t know half of what they’ve taught him. Not because I am not a good Mommy or because I’m uneducated, but because they are paid to play with my kids all day. My son spends his days painting, coloring, building things and eating 2 hot well-balanced meals per day. He plays on the play ground, learns social skills and reads new books. The stay at home moms I know spend most of their days taking care of their households, not spending 8 hours a day coloring, painting, reading, and going to the playground twice a day. So, while I’m sad that I’m not with my kids I know that they are happy, healthy, and learning about the world with people who love them. I am a better mom because I work.

I am a better mom because I work??? I cannot believe you made that statement (commenter above me). Are you really serious? Who are you trying to convince? How does being away from your child make you a better mom? You can take your child to the park, do arts & crafts, read books, etc. You don’t have to pay someone to do it. Work a budget and see what you can cut out. Sell your home, downgrade to a one-bedroom, sell your car, do whatever you can and you don’t have to miss your child while working. Do you think your baby wants you home or for you to work all day to give him material things kids don’t even care about?

I have been a WAHM for almost 16 months now and I am ready to be a WM. It has been very straining working while being there full-time for my baby. I am glad to have been with my son and spend the time but it was very stressful for me. We chose this option because we are first-time parents and were wary of letting a stranger watch our baby. I am ready to go to the office more if I find the right day care. I feel it will be better for my son to socialize. He loves to go out, see other kids and always approaches them. At this point, I don’t think I am doing him a major positive of being there all the time for him. It was very hard for me to manage everything and I miss the adult interaction and challenges of an office environment. I am made to feel guilty for wanting to go to work at the office vs. working at home but I think it is OK at 16 months.

What about stay at home dads? I worked during the first year of my daughter’s life. It sucked but I had to. But her dad was home with her. I hope and think that would be the same as me staying home? Thoughts?

@OHHH…COME ON… You are amazing! I wasn’t even going to post on this but I had to read it. Kinda like a train wreck….you don’t want to look but you can’t help it. I am a WM, I work full time in the US military and I make sacrifices everyday for our freedom and for my child and no SAHM is going to make me feel bad about my decision. I am not going to argue with these people, I just wanted to say thanks. Out of all these posts that one hit it on the money! I love how some of these women are saying horrible things about mothers working yet they are on their computer blogging all day about how we are neglecting our children because we are at work….hmmmm

Ha! This thread was a whole year ago, but I just have to add that I agree with the last few posters. As a working mom, I feel great about how our family operates and about my relationship to my children. For generations, the women in my family have worked and continue to raise successful, happy, amazing girls. I think the SAHMs who post in these threads about how sad our babies feel are fooling themselves. I don’t know if they’re jealous that I don’t feel guilty or if they just can’t stand the idea of people with different belief systems (‘won’t somebody please think of the children!’), but it’s embarrassing. Women work. Their children are happy. Get over it.

Anyway, I would like to see a study that measures more than just school performance. If the biggest factor to a child’s success is emotional health of the family, I’d like to see someone measure which families are emotionally the healthiest. THAT would be interesting.

I have to agree with Joanie and Belinda and I LOVE @OHHH…COME ON… comments. I couldn’t agree more. I think these blogs tend to attract the extremes – people who think that you are either a selfish working mom or a wonderful self-sacrificing stay at home mom. Those are simply immature labels and thoughts from emotionally immature people. I choose to work – in fact, I could be a SAHM but I choose not to be. I choose that because that is what I want and what is best for me and my family. Though my husband and I have a schedule worked out much like Belinda above, I refuse to “prove” that I am a good Mom or justify my reasons for that to anyone who thinks that I am selfish by explaining my situation. No matter what I say, they will only find what they are looking for. I know my heart, my choices, my kids…we are good. I wish those that feel so much angst about my choices a little more peace in their life – judging others is a path to self-hatred (and vice versa). My kids are good, they are loved endlessly and we are all happy.

From getting to 50/50 by two amazing women:
Children turn out equally well whether their mothers work or not

•The largest-ever study of childcare and child development, run by NIH’s National Institute of Child Health and Human Development (NICHD), tracked 1,364 kids over 15 years and concluded that kids with 100% maternal care fare no better than kids who spend time in child care.
“There is no reason for mothers to feel like they are harming their children if they decide to work.” (NICHD ECCRN, American Psychologist 61, no. 2 (February–March 2006))

I feel like this is worthless to debate as our country comes out of a recession. MANY of our husbands are out of work, have taken pay cuts or simply don’t have a similar level of education as we do. We are quite often the more qualified party to secure economic survival for our family: end of story.

Being a working mom has helped me to be a better mom, I think. I can afford an excellent daycare and will freely admit that I would not have the energy to do what those amazing teachers do day in and day out with my child – from art to singing to learning. And they play outside a ton. The focus is on the power of play and learning – he has a marvelous time. The social skills he has are amazing. He loves being and playing with other kids of all ages and seeks them out (and he’s only 22 months). And I get to focus on me during the day and then just him on the nights and weekends. Would I love more time with him? Absolutely. But I think he, his father and I will be our best selves because of an excellent daycare, being able to continue what makes us happy career-wise, and very focused parenting when we’re with my son.

In my situation, I work full time and my husband works full time as well. But we work opposite schedules so one parent is always at home with our daughter. She’s almost 3 years old and has never been to a daycare and her physical and mental development is perfect!

I think that all families have different needs, but there is a lot to be said for equally counting on the help of your spouse or partner to split the day if at all possible so that your child does not have to go to daycare for an entire day, if at all.

:)