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Strollerderby
One in Four Couples Sleeps Alone
The marital bed is an icon in American society, but it’s becoming more myth than reality. The New York Times reports that one in four married couples sleep separately.
Their reasons are myriad: snoring, different schedules, disruptions caused by kids or pets. Ultimately, people are prizing getting a good night’s sleep over sleeping with their spouse.
The numbers are growing fast: builders expect 60% of custom-built homes to include dual master bedrooms by 2015.
Is this is a problem, or a solution?
The New York Times writer is concerned about this trend, seeing the erosion of this American institution as another chipping away at the intimacy of couplehood.
Couples who share a bed have more sex, and are better guardians of the other’s health. A nearby partner can spot a seizure. Women report feeling safer sleeping next to a partner than sleeping alone.
On the other hand, a lot of people are simply more comfortable sleeping alone. There’s no reason you can’t have a healthy, loving relationship with a spouse and still prefer to lie down alone in bed at night. Yes, your bed is where you spend the most time at night.
In the world of parenting advice, so much fuss is made over co-sleeping with children. We rarely consider the benefits or risks of co-sleeping with our spouses.
While the New York Times article offers up a host of suggestions for sanctifying your marital bed and getting a better night’s sleep together, I can’t help thinking where you sleep matters less than how happy you are.
If you and your spouse are really both happier sleeping on your own, that has to be better than trying to cram yourselves into a cultural ideal of a shared bed. Likewise if you want nothing more than to snuggle up at night, you should be able to.
Do you and your honey sleep together? Would you consider sleeping apart?
Photo: theGiantVermin
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Snoring U 2.1 Gives iPhone Users a New Weapon to Combat Snoring – prMac (press release) commented on Aug 09 10 at 6:00 amHeather commented on Jul 26 10 at 3:50 pmIt took about a month after we were married for my husband and I to get used to sleeping in the same bed. Now I can’t imagine not having him there. In fact when he is away on business I don’t sleep well at all. Even though I fall asleep every night without him next to me (he goes to bed much later than I do) I can’t fall asleep if I know he isn’t there. Once I do fall asleep I don’t stay asleep and every little noise wakes me up. The first night he is home after a trip I usually fall asleep at 8 I am so tired. Occasionally I will sleep on the couch from his snoring, but he can’t stand that, so he has started allergy shots so he doesn’t snore as much, so I can stay in bed.
Lucky commented on Jul 26 10 at 3:54 pmI couldn’t imagine not sharing a bed with my husband. Not that I expect everyone to want to live the way I do. But for me, for us, we couldn’t have it any other way.
baconsmom commented on Jul 26 10 at 3:57 pmMy H and I had opposite schedules for the first few years of living together, and it was fantastic. Now that we’re obligated to share a bed, we invested in a king-sized Sleep Number, because we like completely different mattresses, and it’s really not enough space. He sleeps in the middle of the bed, with arms and legs all up in my Kool-Aid, and then I have trouble getting to sleep. Sleeping with another person is hot (and not in a good way) and uncomfortable and irritating; I can’t have my television on, and he balks at having even a nightlight, while I can’t sleep in a dark room.
For couple like us? Separate bedrooms are awesome. Definitely a solution, not a problem.
Laure68 commented on Jul 26 10 at 4:10 pmMy parents have slept in separate rooms since I can remember. My dad snores like crazy. (When I was a kid, my room was 2 doors down from my dad’s, and often his snoring would keep me awake!) He went to several specialists, but nothing worked. Once my mom decided to sleep in a separate room she was so much happier, which made the rest of the family happier too. They have been married for almost 50 years and they are very happy together, so I don’t think this affected their relationship.
My hubby and I sleep in the same bed, but he doesn’t have a problem with loud snoring. Everyone has to do what makes them happy.
bob commented on Jul 26 10 at 4:11 pmI would be interested in more data. When are these moves happening? What level of intimacy is there prior to the move? What were the motivators? I don’t think a couple that does this is necessarily more unhappy than others, but I suspect they are less intimate than many (though that intimacy may be lacking regardless of the sleep arrangement). Kids, pets, age, fitness, snoring, etc., all conspire to make couples less intimate. But demanding dual career work lives, a childhood with fewer siblings, larger homes than earlier generations enjoyed and maybe even changed power relationships may also be important factors. So, it’s hard to tell whether this trend is an indicator or less happiness or more.
JZ commented on Jul 26 10 at 4:43 pmMy hub gets up at 4 am so he goes to bed way earlier than I do. Sometimes I sleep in our bed and sometimes I sleep in the living room and sometimes I sleep in the kids room. I’m just not that strickt where any of us sleep. We find time for sex so thats not a problem and we arent snuggliers so thats not a problem eaither. It works for us. :)
BlackOrchid commented on Jul 26 10 at 5:11 pmJZ I am in the same boat. DH gets up at 5am so he wants to be asleep by 9pm. And he gets annoyed if I wake him getting to bed at my normal 11pm. I work at home so almost always catch up on work from 8-11pm.
It’s not working for either of us (I can’t switch to getting up super-early cos that will just get the kids up with me) and I’m seriously considering using our first-floor guestroom when I have to work late. I’d hate to do it but I could get into bed with a small light on somewhere, and NOT be awakened at 5am either.
I totally understand these types of arrangements!
Kikiriki commented on Jul 26 10 at 5:14 pmI often wish I had enough space to have my own bedroom! I love my husband dearly, but he SNOOOOOOOORES so loud that I can sometimes hear it through my earplugs. I sleep on the couch when it is really bad.
puasamanda commented on Jul 26 10 at 5:25 pmHubby and I (four years in the same bed now) always sleep in the same bed, but if I am being completely honest, I would WELCOME sleeping on my own. He is not a snorer, does not bed hog, and is otherwise pleasant to share a room with…but I sleep better alone. I can’t pinpoint why, exactly, but I have always been this way. When he is on a late-night fishing trip or a trip to deer camp, I sleep the sleep of the dead. When he’s home (which is most of the time), I wake up several times a night. Plus, I would love the opportunity to read in bed, which is my time-honored trick for total relaxation, but the light (ANY light) “bothers” him. Ah, well :)
Gretchen Powers commented on Jul 26 10 at 7:14 pmI understand these types of arrangements and do it myself on an as-needed basis for the same reasons BlackOrchid does…but what concerns me is the building of bigger homes with “dual master bedrooms” and all that jazz. Big houses aren’t green. Most new homes are already excessively too big in a disgusting way…how about just using one of the regular second rooms or something sensible like that?
JBoogie commented on Jul 26 10 at 7:25 pmI would love it if we could share a room…but not a bed. :-) Like a hotel room! Two double beds! Haha, my precious hubby is a good good man, but he drives. me. crazy. at night. He has to have a huge pillow in between his legs and he’s 6’4″ and bony and refuses to move. And we have a California King! GET ON YOUR SIDE BEFORE I SMOTHER YOU. When I was huge at 9 months with my son I flipped out on him around 2a.m. and started beating him with that stupid pillow. I love having him in the room–just not in the bed.
BaltimoreMom commented on Jul 26 10 at 9:41 pmI love it when my husband goes out of town because I sleep so much better when I’m alone in the bed. He hogs the covers and I have restless legs. He crowds me and I frequently use muscle rub that bothers him. We frequently sleep apart. That said, we’ve never had a hard time finding a place or time to have sex.
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