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Stranger Danger – Are We Giving Our Kids the Wrong Idea?
“Don’t talk to strangers” – it’s a rule that many of us learned early and have been quick to pass on to our kids. I remember telling my husband shortly after our first child was born after an unfamiliar car and driver sat parked outside our house for an hour one night, “Suddenly, every one I don’t know is a potential predator.”
But as Lenore Skenazy points out in a post at Parentdish, stranger danger not only doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, it might be dangerous.
Skenazy writes:
Let’s say that some day (a) girl really does find herself in a tight spot. To jump to the ultimate nightmare, let’s even say that one day there’s a van following her — a white one, without windows (the predator’s vehicle of choice). The girl can keep walking, trusting no one and hoping to God she’s safe. Or, she can run to the stranger pruning his hedges and say, “Let me stand next to you till that guy leaves!” She can run into the store and tell a stranger, “Call 911!” She doesn’t have to wait for a policeman. She can ask for — and get! — help from any stranger because the vast majority of strangers are not predators. They’re like you and me.
The National Crime Prevention Council agrees with Skenazy. The idea isn’t to teach kids not to talk to strangers — because the world is full of strangers, most of them trustworthy. Instead, we need to teach kids how to find help when they need it.
Here are some tips from the NCPC webpage:
Teach your kids that life isn’t like a cartoon — we can’t tell the good people from the bad by looking at them. Instead, we need to look at their behavior. Is a stranger acting weird or asking you to do something you aren’t supposed to do? Go find help.
Teach your children how to find help. Point out that police, firefighters, teachers, librarians, and others are easily recognizable strangers they can turn to for help. Point out stores when you’re driving through town and mention that they should walk into a public place and ask for help if necessary.
Teach kids about suspicious behavior. A safe stranger will never ask them to disobey their parents, to get in a strange car, or to keep a secret. Safe strangers do not ask kids for help.
“No. Go. Yell. Tell.” If kids are approached by an unsafe person, they should say no, run away, yell loudly, and tell a safe adult.
For more on teaching kids about strangers and tips for keeping children safe, visit the NCPC website.
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[...] child is in that car, it dramatically reduces the chances of escape.” Teaching your kids not to talk to any stranger is a bad idea, because in fact most people are helpful. It’s important to tell your [...]
Tween Girls Most Vulnerable to Kidnapping | Strollerderby commented on Sep 07 10 at 2:54 pmbob commented on Jul 23 10 at 1:03 pmSounds reasonable to me. Something else I learned, reading the comments on the parentdish article: If all else fails, and strangers keep trying to abduct your kid, hit ‘em with a tomahawk!
Sarah commented on Jul 23 10 at 2:26 pmI think Stranger Danger is important to teach, but most of the time kids are abducted or molested by family and friends. I wish the media would focus more on how to deal with talking to your kids about that.
Linda commented on Jul 23 10 at 4:00 pmI revile even the words “Stranger Danger” and I’ve always considered it the most ridicuous concept ever. Um, hello? I want my children to talk to as many APPROPRIATE strangers as possible while they are yuong and still with me, so they’ll have good sense of what’s normal and what’s not. That way, when they’re away from me, they’ll have some sort of instincts intact.
Beth commented on Jul 23 10 at 7:31 pmComments
We use http://www.ourchildsafe.com to be able to relay data in an emergency, or just to make sure family members have all the details on our kids care. It’s a proactive service that makes me feel like I can let my kids go into the world, but that I have a tool to help them in an emergency without stifling them.
Jennifer commented on Jul 23 10 at 9:19 pmThe best advice I ever got was to teach my kids to “find a mom”. If you are lost or alone and someone is making you uncomfortable, find a mom. Most places they might be separated from me are places with other families about. Police officers or store officials are easy to spot, but so is a mom with a stroller or diaper bag or her own kids. Go up to that mom and tell her you are lost and ask her to call your mom on her cell phone. When they were too little to memorize the number, I put it in his or her shoe and told them it was there. Now they know the number. Kids can spot a mom early and easily. It could be risky if a predator is posing as a mom to lure kids to trouble, but the vast majority of predators are men and I have never met a mom who would turn their back on a scared or alone kid.
bob commented on Jul 26 10 at 9:33 amI think maybe the approach should change with the child’s age and experience. It might be more black-and-white for younger kids, and more judgment-based as children get more capable of observing and assessing. I don’t exactly disagree with Jennifer about avoiding men. Certainly, men that approach children might be more suspect simply because normal guys just avoid kids so they won’t be treated as threat. Also, if a strange kid was to approach a normal guy looking for help, the guy might be more less likely to provide it, fearing misplaced suspicion. But I’m not convinced that a child would be at significantly more or less risk from any given stranger, regardless of gender. I’m not faulting Jennifer’s approach, necessarily. Just noting that though most predators are men, most men aren’t predators.
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