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Helicopter Moms Mainly Hurt Themselves
By now we’ve all heard the consequences of intense and hovering parents. They crank out kids who can’t tie their own shoes until they’re 10, expect to get A’s because they worked hard, need their mom to figure out their college classes. So prevalent are the helicopter parents that some companies have a parent orientation session for the moms and dads of their new hires.
Helicopter parents are loving their kids to idiocy. They’re making parts of society unbearable. But the real harm, argues Margaret K. Nelson, is to themselves. Helicopter parenting is an intense and time-consuming lifestyle and parents — especially mothers — are giving up everything in order to pursue it.
Writing for the Washington Post this weekend, Nelson, the A. Barton Hepburn professor of sociology at Middlebury College and the author of “Parenting Out of Control: Anxious Parents in Uncertain Times,” says that helicopter parents are heading for a crash. They’re sacrificing personal relationships with friends and relatives and even spouses due to the demands of monitoring their child’s every move.
The time married parents spend visiting with friends and relatives outside the nuclear family has declined dramatically: Married fathers spent almost 40 percent less time and married mothers spent almost a third less time socializing in 2000 than they did in 1965, according to Bianchi, Robinson and Milkie. I can’t help but think that the new intensity of daily life is part of the problem. Parents seem to have few opportunities to pursue friendships unless they are friendships that take little extra time (as with co-workers or other parents on the sideline of a child’s sporting event).
Nelson uses as an example, a professional mom who monitors everything her children watch on TV and in the theater. When she can’t watch the shows with them, there’s a mandatory discussion of the ingested media. Where’s the time to watch her own shows?
The price of such intense involvement in a child’s life, Nelson argues, is divorce, a lack of civic engagement, loneliness and stress. Not just annoying young co-workers for everyone else.
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[...] Helicopter Moms Mainly Hurt Themselves [...]
Neck Test Surpasses BMI in Finding Child Obesity | Strollerderby commented on Jul 06 10 at 2:31 pmGretchen Powers commented on Jul 05 10 at 3:19 pmI read that and my comment was that I think some of these anecdotes offer an illustration of parenting gone upside down. It is very common these days to put infants (under one year) into childcare…then later, it seems, mothers are trying to micromanage older children who, maybe if only given the intensive, good start at home that 0-3 YO young ones need, would be doing just fine without so much oversight. That said, I don’t have as much concern about families turning inward as this writer does. I think it’s normal and natural for some people to be this way. Our little family of three really enjoys each other’s company. We *do* make a concerted effort to socialize and be “involved”, but would be very happy “just us”. And I consider my husband and my daughter my “best friends” and feel perfectly happy. [I do not, however, expect to be my daughter's "best friend" when she is older!] I work within my home part time only, as my child is very young, but I do plan on ramping it up in the future. I believe there is a season to everything, and we should try to savor them.
Michelle E. commented on Jul 05 10 at 5:46 pmComments
Maybe there’s something in between helicopter parents and neglectful parents? Being careful about what a kid watches on TV (and yes, everything he or she watches) seems to be a good policy. Kids walk away from TV and videos having learned an incredible amount of the adult world. Think of all the films (even the ones coming out in theaters now)that involve fighting with guns, swords, fists. Count the explosions. Consider, too, the gender roles being portrayed (girls cute/sexy deferring to boys, and being interested in only boys and boys rough/tough and interested in girls.) I think it’s important to watch these shows/films with a kid’s eyes and talk a bit about these issues. To just plop a kid in front of any old show or movie is, in my mind, neglectful and potentially damaging.I, too, like to spend a lot of time with my family, not because I’m afraid of bad influences, but because I enjoy the one-on-one attention we can give each other. I am an “older” mother. I’ve had plenty of socializing time, a wide range of friends, and right now,I’d prefer to do the best I can to help my 3 year old son develop a sense of confidence and security about relationships in general. He’s a shy little guy and this method is good for him. If he were a more outgoing sort, more of an explorer, maybe he’d need more time out and about. Right now we go out and about but mostly to places where he’s comfortable–outdoor music events, parades, parks. Have I lost touch with friends? Yes. It’s a sacrifice worth every minute. What I’ve begun to realize though, is that the friends who’ve fallen away haven’t been all that good of friends anyway. One of the best things about becoming a parent is that priorities can shift for the better.
LindaLou commented on Jul 05 10 at 10:38 pmOh. I get it. Gretchen Powers. GP.
bob commented on Jul 06 10 at 9:23 amWe should distinguish helicopter parents from snowplow parents. Both may be hurting themselves, and both may be annoying, but the true version of the former monitors with the intent of giving the child tools and advice to deal with issues. The snowplow, on the other hand, takes care of all the dirty work, constantly anticipating and clearing the path ahead; effectively living the difficult parts of the child’s life for him/her.
Gretchen Powers commented on Jul 06 10 at 9:47 amI like that, bob!
Michelle E. commented on Jul 06 10 at 10:51 amComments
I, too, like that Bob.
LogicalMama commented on Jul 06 10 at 1:06 pmGood term, Bob!
Katherine commented on Oct 11 10 at 12:53 pmI’m so glad I grew up in a time before helicopter parenting became fashionable. Yes, in the bad old days we got a spanking occasionally and sometimes ate too many cheez doodles, but our parents also gave us the great gift of personal space (with some reasonable limits of course). I sometimes think helicopter parenting is as much about control than genuine interest in what’s best for the child. Such parents want to monitor their kids’ every move because they essentially see their children as their satellites rather than persons in their own right. Such parents insist on butting into every corner of their kids’ lives because they are too egotistical to accept that they are not always going to be the centre of little Brandon or Madeleine’s universe.
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