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Playing Favorites Hurts All Your Kids
Did you grow up feeling like Mom always loved you best? Or like your sister got all the extra snuggles while you sat out in the cold? Either way, a Cornell study has found that adults who believed their mom loved one sibling more than another are more prone to depression as adults.
Picking favorites amongst your kids is one of the great no-nos of parenting. But lots of people feel like their folks screwed that one up. The effects go way past childhood. Cornell’s study look at 275 Boston area families, and found that middle-aged adults were more likely to be depressed.
Researchers have long known that parental favoritism can trigger depression and behavioral problems in children and young adults. This is the first study to show the negative affects last at least into middle age.
None of us set out to love one child more than another, but imbalances do occur in family relationships. A child in crisis can command more of our attention and resources than his healthy siblings. A new baby pulls out all the stops and can leave siblings feeling out in the cold. A kid who excels in sports or at school might get more time, attention and praise than her loveable but less precocious sibs.
The trick is to find and keep your balance. You can’t shower each kid with an exactly equal measure of love every day.
I’m just starting to grapple with this issue in my family, as my younger daughter comes up on 3 years old and is in more direct competition with her sister for my time. They do more of the same activities now than they ever have, play with the same toys, fight over time with the same friends. Instead of a nursing baby and a little girl, I have two small girls clambering for me to read them a story. But they each want to hear a different Rainbow Fairy book.
So I’m short on answers and long on questions. How do you balance your time and attention so that each kid feels like she or he is getting enough? What seems ‘fair’ in your family?
Photo: emerille
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[...] sibling rivalry and the life-long damage caused by parents who play favorites with their children. A new study finds that while having a brother or sister can be a good thing, [...]
Sibling Rivalry and Why You Should Stop It | Strollerderby commented on Aug 09 10 at 4:55 pmdiera commented on Jun 24 10 at 5:11 pmKeeping in mind I haven’t read the study… isn’t it at least as likely the correlation and causation arrow points the other way, in that depressed adults are more likely to that mom loved one of their siblings more?
Marisela commented on Jun 25 10 at 12:54 amI read Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Farber and I really liked it. I plan on purchasing it soon (I borrowed it from the library). I have a 2.5 year old and an 8 month old and often think about these issues.
NY Phoenix commented on Apr 28 11 at 3:00 pmWe encourage them to seek out activities separate from each other. One is into computers, does decently in school,loves to cook/bake and loves playing football (the only games I’ve ever missed are away games). The other is into more creative things, straight A student, in the elementary honor society, is into music and plays basketball (he tried football and didn’t like it). BOTH (they’re 12 and 10 and have 3 older half brothers from their father’s first marriage) are into “spriting” (creating Pokemon type characters), video games, playing outside, learning how to sword fight (with foam nerf swords). By them having similar interests in some areas it’s easy to arrange family type outings and events…. However, with them each having something that’s “JUST theirs” that none of the older brothers did, it guarantees them special attention without allowing them to be over scheduled (we have a rule of one sport/club per school year per season so they still have time to be kids).
Is it easier when they’re doing the things they both have an interest in? Absolutely. However… when you have 4 brothers thrown in the deal, having something JUST theirs gives them a chance to stand out from the crowd and be able to NOT feel like it’s a competition of who’s “best” at something.
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