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Strollerderby
Married, No Kids: Opting Out of Parenthood
In support of Proposition 8, which bans same-sex marriages in California, some have claimed that allowing marriages between couples who can’t naturally reproduce together would be harmful to children. David Blankenhorn, founder of the Institute for American Values, says such unions would change marriage from “a child-based public institution to an adult-centered private institution.”
Newsflash for Mr. Blankenhorn: For more than half of Americans, children have already become non-essential to a happy marriage.
In 2007, a Pew Research Center survey revealed that for many couples, the only thing less important than children to a good marriage is a meeting of the minds on the subject of politics. The majority of the survey respondents deemed money, sex and faithfulness to be more important to marital success than kids.
A year after that survey was released, a report out of Rutgers University examined this social retreat from children and noted that while most human societies are child-centered, parenting in the U.S. is different. “In the United States, to a greater degree than almost any other place in the world, social responsibility for child rearing rests with lone couples, and increasingly, with lone parents.”
No only that, we live in a culture that says if you don’t love your child more than you love your spouse, more than you love yourself, there is something very wrong with you.
So raising children is solitary pursuit that should take precedence over everything else in your life. Suggest that there may be another approach to parenting and you risk being being mocked and reviled.
Remember how much flak Hilary Clinton got for suggesting that it takes a village to raise a child? While some of us nodded our heads in agreement, others were highly offended by the very idea that parents would expect child rearing involvement from someone Outside The Family. During his acceptance speech at the 1996 Republican National Convention, Bob Dole responded with typical American bravado: “…I am here to tell you: it does not take a village to raise a child. It takes a family.”
With such a narrow vision of what good parenting looks like, it’s no wonder so many are opting out. I think that Rutgers report says it best: “What it takes to raise children is almost the opposite of what popularly defines a satisfying adult life.”
At least the way we do it, it does.
Image: Alejandro Hernandez/Flickr
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[...] Married, No Kids: Opting Out of Parenthood [...]
Dads Get Pregnancy Hormones Too | Strollerderby commented on Jun 15 10 at 4:02 pmanon commented on Jun 15 10 at 1:51 pmBob Dole had it right.
leahsmom commented on Jun 15 10 at 2:38 pmI always find these kinds of things interesting – but I’m curious about the quasi-fearmongering images here. I don’t think it’s a bad or a good thing if people want to have more or fewer children – I’m agnostic. I don’t care what people want. If Americans are deciding they don’t want to have children because they prefer to be educated and earn more money (which seemed, to me, the biggest reason from the report) – why is that bad? I don’t need pictures of empty playgrounds. There’s no moral good to having children; there’s no moral good to not having them. It’s just a matter of choice. So why should the nation really care one way or the other?
ChiLaura commented on Jun 15 10 at 3:23 pmleahsmom: Many think that there is in fact a moral good to have children: sharing love; becoming a better person thru sacrificing for and loving one’s family; and various faith-based reasons. Setting these aside, though, what about the problem of “graying of societies”? What happens when 30% of the population is retired, and 30% is working to support them? What about the possibility of societal collapse? I’m not actually advocating having kids who will work and pay taxes for entitlement programs, but you must be aware of the fact that some countries are facing this actual problem right now? And are incentivizing children? Just curious if you think that this is relevant at all?
adhocmom commented on Jun 15 10 at 3:33 pmI don’t recall standing up in front of our friends and family with my husband and promising to have either a “adult based or adult centered marriage.” How is it anyone’s business but my own? And for the record, I’d love to find that village Hilary was talking about.
gwendolyn commented on Jun 15 10 at 4:33 pmAmericans are having plenty of children. We will not be having the problems that Japan and even Italy are having with the graying population. We are still breeding like rabbits.
JBoogie commented on Jun 15 10 at 8:56 pmNo, we aren’t to have a graying population problem. We are going to have an over-population problem. NOT TRYING TO START A FIGHT, because obviously, since I am a mother, I am contributing to the problem. :-)
LindaLou commented on Jun 15 10 at 10:30 pmOh, who cares? I think it’s good that people know their limits. Evryone should be saving for their OWN retirement.
ann05 commented on Jun 15 10 at 10:35 pmIt totally does take a village, and luckily we’ve cobbled one together out of friends. Our child will be better off for the diversity of parents he experiences and the many, many adults in his life that care about him.
JEssica commented on Jun 16 10 at 10:03 amWe aren’t breeding like rabbits -our rate is like 2.1 per childbearing woman, which is historically low for the US. And the only reason we are seeing a rise in population is due to immigration, both legal and illegal.
BostonMama commented on Jun 16 10 at 10:57 amMaybe it doesn’t take a village, but having a village sure makes it a lot more fun and rewarding. We have a great village or other parents (gay and straight), older church friends, young childless neighbors, the owner of the pizza place, the PTA, a whole lot more.
nokidsiniowa commented on Aug 13 10 at 3:59 pmMy husband and I have chosen not to have kids. It’s our decision and ours alone. I don’t think it’s anyones business. We are not selfish or immoral. I love my nieces and nephews. I help out on occasion, but I also don’t think it is my responsibility to take care of them. My brothers chose to have kids. They did not consult me before having kids, so why now should it my responsibility? I had no part in the decision making. If you can’t take care of your children yourself than you shouldn’t be having them. You make the choice, you deal with it. If you expect us all to help you raise the kids, then consult us before you have them. Don’t just assume we will. If you have a “village” willing to help then great. But do not expect to put off the responsibility of your children on everyone else.
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