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Parents of Kids With Special Needs Do Not Want To Hear “I’m Sorry”
The delightful Ellen Seidman has a wonderful article up on Babble about what not to say to parents of children with special needs.
First on the list: “I’m sorry.”
Ellen says she knows this one’s coming from a good place, but it really doesn’t help to say it. When she hears, “I’m sorry” from someone in reference to her son, she hears, “I’m sorry you have a tragedy on your hands.”
Her son is not a tragedy, she writes. He’s a joy, and they’re both doing fine. She’d like to have their successes celebrated rather than their challenges pitied. For example, on her list of things you should say to her, should you meet, “He rides his bike so well!”
I’m grateful to Ellen for writing this piece. My own kids are healthy and don’t have any special needs that we know of. But like Ellen, I love hearing people compliment my kids on their amazing bike skills, and loathe having strangers in supermarkets offer me pity. It’s better than being judged a failure when my kid throws a wobbly in the snack aisle, but not much.
One of Ellen’s main points in this story is this:
Max is a kid like other kids; I am a mom like other moms — not perfect, but doing the best I can.
Of course, people say things like “I’m sorry” and “I don’t know how you do it” to parents whose children have special needs because we really are sorry, and we really don’t know how you’re doing it. We’re otherwise speechless, trying and failing to imagine ourselves in your shoes, walking what looks like a hard road.
Ellen’s piece is great because it reminds us that these platitudes don’t help the person who hears them. If you really want to help, offer help. “Can I carry your grocery bags?” goes a lot further than “I’m sorry.”
Whether our children have special needs or not, most of us have a hit list of things we would be happy never to hear again from well-meaning people commenting on our kids or our parenting. What are yours?
Photo: Honza Soukup
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9 Comments
goddess commented on Jun 01 10 at 5:48 pmSpeak for yourself. I had a severley disabled child who was brain damaged through no fault of his own, or ours- and “I’m sorry” was always taken in the spirit it was given- as a comfort. He was NOT like other kids.
But then, mine never was going to be able TO ride a bike- or even sit up unassisted, nor feed himself, or even speak. And caring for him was never going to involve the joys of typical parenthood. In fact , it held the worst possible nightmare: his eventual death due to the damage.
Jenny commented on Jun 01 10 at 5:50 pmI’d have loved to have never heard someone I knew and trusted to watch my children tell me she and her husband decided to permanently sterlize themselves so they wouldn’t have “A child like your son” on the off chance.
Jocasta Jones commented on Jun 02 10 at 12:01 amLet me parent my kid. If my 4 year old walks in front of you in the store please let me instruct her to say “excuse me” to you. It drives me nuts when people say “oh, it’s ok. never mind.” Sure you think it’s cute when a bouncy blond 4 yr old cuts you off. Will you be so forgiving when she’s 16 and in a car? Let me teach my kid good manners now so you won’t find her rude when she’s older.
Marj commented on Jun 02 10 at 1:59 amI didn’t know what exactly to make of that article. It seems unless I’m a very close friend or family member (who knows her and her child so well, that I won’t wonder, make assumptions or somehow say the wrong thing) I should shuffle uncomfortably, look at the ground and say nothing for fear of offending her. I guess that’s okay. I’m sure I have enough friends and that people with special needs children would rather not make new friends, who are so tiresomely uniformed about her, her son, and what is okay to say, ask or wonder.
DeerMama commented on Jun 02 10 at 7:32 amOh Jenny, how unfair and crude of that person. Unreal. She really did that?
Jenny commented on Jun 02 10 at 8:12 amDeerMama- She did, in front of a room full of people no less.
Manjari commented on Jun 02 10 at 10:00 amJenny, that’s terrible. Sounds like she has no business having kids anyway.
kelmendi commented on Jun 02 10 at 11:31 amJenny, that’s awful! I don’t understand how anyone thinks saying that kind of thing is okay.
Rosanna Marie. commented on May 06 12 at 5:18 pmI have a son with Autism he is my husband’s child from a previous relationship he has been a part of my life for almost 10 yrs his biological mother basically abandoned him my gain her loss. We have been through so much with Doctors, Family and of course very ignorant people but with all that said we may not have a perfect life and oh yes it gets very stressful with our other 5 kids and 2 dogs but we make it work and we are happy together as a family. For those who want to say “I’m Sorry” well that’s an insult there is nothing be sorry for God made each and everyone of us exactly how He wanted us to be !!! America needs to educate one another about just how special and amazing everyone of our children are there not a burden and there not to be shunned there to be LOVED UNCONDITIONALLY…
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