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Strollerderby
Open Adoption: A Bittersweet Blessing
What does it take to give up a child for adoption, and then remain in the picture?
Amy Seek offers us a glimpse into the life of a birth mother after an open adoption this week in Modern Love, the New York Times wonderful column on love in all its forms.
Seek’s moving essay on her tenuous, loving, awkward relationship with the little boy she gave birth to and then gave away draws the bitter and sweet together into a complex tapestry of a new kind of relationship, one she and her son’s family are learning how to weave together.
Seek talks openly about the challenges of being a birth mother:
Open adoption is an awkward choreography; I am offered a place at the table, but I am not sure where to sit. I don’t know how to be any kind of mother, much less one who surrendered her child but is back to help build a Lego castle.
She also writes about the pangs of having given him up, but never says she regrets the choice. Just that with age she has appreciated more and more the path not taken.
Seek was young when she had her unplanned pregnancy, and in a fleeting relationship. She was a graduate student. Giving the baby up made sense then. She says it seemed like simple math. Only as she and the boy have grown has she come to realize how complex it really is.
Part of the beauty of this piece is the love that clearly exists between Amy and her son’s mother, Holly. She writes about Holly’s grace in giving her space to find her own relationship with the little boy they both love, and their shared tears at the time of the adoption.
During those months, my son’s mother, Holly, observed that birth mothers have to accomplish in one day the monumental task of letting go that most parents have 18 years to figure out.
I recently saw the high school friend who, when we were teens, gave a baby up in an open adoption. Now, on the cusp of 30, she’s a mom with a little baby of her own.
I was really struck, by how my friend talked about the son she’d given up. She seemed radiant on the topic, bubbling with enthusiasm about his life and accomplishments. She also said that acceptance and joy had been a long time coming. They’d recently exchanged letters directly for the first time; for a decade their correspondence had been only through holiday letters sent by his parents.
I’m sure everyone’s experience is wildly different, but it seemed that my friend, like Amy Seek, had been given a gift as well as a painful loss by choosing to give her child up to a loving family when she wasn’t ready to be a parent herself.
Have you been part of an open adoption? Please share your story in the comments.
Photo: a4gpa
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11 Comments
CAMAMA commented on May 12 10 at 6:41 pmPlace for adoption or make an adoption plan for, please. Not ‘give up’.
Manjari commented on May 14 10 at 11:27 amI was adopted by my biological mom’s brother and his wife, so my bio parents became my aunt and uncle. It’s always been out in the open, and I’ve always spent time with all 4 parents (though my bio parents live across the country). When I was growing up, I thought it was kind of cool and never had complicated feelings about any of it. That changed as I got older, and it’s really complicated. I have always felt that I have to be more careful about my moms’ feelings than anyone has ever been about my feelings. It’s like I’m not allowed to be upset about any of it, because that would ruin the illusion that they all handled everything perfectly.
Seek’s essay really is incredibly moving.
Sierra Black commented on May 14 10 at 11:44 amthank you so much for sharing that. what an amazing story!
Sierra Black commented on May 14 10 at 11:45 am@camama: duly noted. sorry about that; I’ll use those terms when writing about adoption in the future.
A. Cato commented on Jul 24 10 at 7:17 pmI believe in open records, not open adoption. My personal experiences have led me to my opinion. I don’t think anyone should know the members of their biological family until they are legally an adult. Then if they want to seek out their biological family, so be it. Let the people who adopted the child have a chance to fully bond with their child and the child with them. In my opinion, and in my real life experiences, open adoption does nothing but cause trouble (or the potential of trouble). And I have seen how harmful the trouble can be. I would not want anyone to have a 1% chance of experiencing the potential problems of an open adoption. Sorry but I can not agree to open adoption. I feel strongly that adoption records should be open AFTER the person is an ADULT.
Liz commented on Aug 12 10 at 3:49 pmWe’re considering open adoption and didn’t realize there were those who had negative experiences. A. Cato, can you elaborate more, or point us to resources about it?
erin commented on Sep 04 10 at 12:47 amSeek’s essay was beautiful. I am an adoptive mom- my wife gave birth to our first daughter and my daughter and I were legally joined when I had to adopt her. It’s bitter sweet, having to” adopt” your own child. Incredibly different and less painful than what Seek experienced, but we use the same term. But I digress.
I was struck by her simple description that one mother’s happiness was the direct result of another’s pain. I have thought a lot about adoption, but never like that. I know a young woman who 12 weeks ago conceived a child intentionally. Then her relationships changed, and now she is a single mother-to-be. If I was in her shoes I would be terrified and a complete wreck. She is remarkably composed, and is considering an open adoption. I want to know about the relationships mothers who choose open adoption have with their children (all of them) when they later become parents who don’t choose open adoption. What do the kids think? How do they negotiate those relationships?
Our daughters were conceived using donor sperm; the donor is willing to *consider* being contacted by his offspring when they turn 21, but he’s not obligated to have any contact. Like adoption, open or not, there’s a shared aspect of “missing” that unite adoptees and donor conceived children. I am excited that these issues are being brought to the forefront and that we can finally start to take into account the true emotional costs and consequences that are wrought by our decisions.
A. Cato commented on Sep 17 10 at 11:17 pmLiz I would like to elaborate more but I am afraid that something I say might be too revealing to my identity. I’m looking on the page for someway I can send you a private message. If you can think of a way, please post it.
A. Cato commented on Sep 17 10 at 11:33 pmAlso Liz I am not an official member of this blog yet. I am not a mother. I tried to click on your name in the Member’s section but it would not allow me to leave you a message. I will check back here soon to see if you can resolve the problem of our contacting each other privately.
Once-a-mom commented on Nov 16 11 at 11:43 pmI too chose an open adoption. I was 28 when my little girl was born. Her “real” mother was present when she was born. That mattered so much to me for some silly reason. I wanted very much for her to be able to say what she (our daughter) was like all new and squally… Silly I know.
The phrase about appreciating the path not taken really resonates with me. That is so very true! I have no regrets about the family I helped to create, nor the road that brought me to that place. But that I have a nearly 5 yr old son (who is 10 years younger than she is) & I have pondered how to tell him, and when?
Her family was supposed to drop me card at Christmas and after 3 years fell out of touch. I wonder what happened?
Shari commented on Dec 01 11 at 4:04 ammy husband and I adopted our son 6 years ago though open adoption. We have remained close with his birth parents and their children. It has been the most wonderful thing to have a relationship with my sons birth parents. So many people are afraid to cultivate that bond out of fear but I feel it is best for the child and all involved. It truly takes a village to raise a child and the more people who love the child the better.
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