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Do Single Moms Raise Their Daughters to Be Single?
According to the U.S. Census Bureau, there were 10.4 million single mother families in the U.S. in 2006. Are many of those mothers unwittingly raising their daughters to be single, too?
That’s the question Audrey Irvine asks in an essay at CNN. A single black woman raised by a widowed mother, Irvine believes there may be more behind her own status than a dearth of available men.
Her mother was widowed at a young age and felt cheated by circumstances that forced her to raise three children on her own. She deliberately instilled in her children a sense of independence. To prepare them for a life in which they could not and would not depend upon another person to take care of them, her mantra was “take care of yourself and find your own.”
Beyond not having a father around to model what a good man looks like, children growing up with single mothers are often witness to the anger, frustration and disappointment the absent fathers have left behind. After all, most single moms didn’t plan it that way. But while a mother’s fear that her daughter might be someday find herself in the same difficult situation is understandable, Irvine wonders if some mothers aren’t dumping their baggage on their children.
What about those women who had to grow up hearing complaints that their father was never around. What about those mothers who have faced a bitter divorce? Are they projecting all their drama on their kids as well? Has this created a generation of hurt, angry women who only know how to be single?
There is likely something to Irvine’s argument. I raised a daughter as a single mother and through my words and actions, she learned to be self-sufficient and make her own way in the world. And while I never bad-mouthed the father she didn’t know, I also never spoke well of him. He was a mysterious empty spot in her life that we both pretended didn’t even exist.
She is nearing 30 now and, while I am unbelievably proud of the life she’s built for herself and couldn’t care less if she ever gets married, I do want her to to be happy and enjoy all the good things life has to offer. And while she’s out there kissing the occasional frog, I can’t help but wonder if she’d even recognize a prince if she met one.
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7 Comments
zaksmom commented on May 07 10 at 12:54 pmNo matter our marital status, we’re all guilty of dumping our baggage onto the next generation. So quit trying to guilt trip single moms when married moms and dads are often teaching their kids just how not to sustain a healthy marriage, oft-divorced moms and dads teach their kids how not to work through your problems or select a spouse more carefully in the first place, and worst of all, abusive or addicted parents teach their kids how not to function as a human being.
Amberly commented on May 07 10 at 1:07 pmI was raised by a single mom, and am now one myself. Neither situation was by choice. I don’t think my mom intentionally raised us (I have a sister who is also a single mom) to be self-sufficient individuals, but that is the way we turned out. We saw Mom mowing the lawn, fixing the car and doing the other domestic chores that have not traditionally been considered “woman’s work,” and knew that she HAD to do those things because they wouldn’t get done any other way. She taught us to do them too- out of necessity. I wish things hadn’t had to be the way they were for her, because they were exceedingly difficult. I am, however, thankful that her experience prepared me for the things that I would need to deal with in my life.
Bec commented on May 07 10 at 3:22 pmSo, is the message here supposed to be that we should be raising our daughters to be good little wives, who can’t take care of themselves and will be helpless if they lose a spouse? No thanks. I’m much more inclined to instill confidence and capability in children of both genders.
I wonder what her thoughts are on boys raised by single mothers. Are they less likely to marry, or more so? I don’t really like Irvine’s implication that raising daughters with the same skills and values that we generally respect in sons (self-sufficiency, independence) is a bad thing.
MsC commented on May 07 10 at 3:54 pmMany years ago I had someone react to my engagement announcement by telling me that I would never be able to stay married because my parents divorced (my marriage is just fine, thanks) and that the reason my mother couldn’t stay married to my father was because her own father had died when she was in elementary school. (Not because my father is an ass and treated her horribly. That had nothing to do with it.)
I think that it’s certainly possible that watching one’s mother go it alone can influence how you think about and act in romantic attachments in adulthood. But so does everything else that happens as you grown up!
Alfred commented on May 09 10 at 7:40 amComments There are many bad guys, its a fact, unfortunately…
But there are also lots of good guys, this shouldn’t be overlooked…
When U keep emphasizing about the bad ones, you push the good ones out of mind, out of the pictures so to say… Don’t make us a forgotten entity
& U girls who know about us, should speak out, it will encourage more guys to dare…
skittles commented on May 09 10 at 11:08 pmI don’t know if this is true but i know that my mother was single and i’m still single at 36. i don’t know if it’s from her past or the fact that i don’t really believe there are men out here who could appreciate a long lasting relationship and what that could offer?!!
on another note, i would like to say that all my life i’ve felt like my mother never really cared for me. instead, she was doing what she thought was right. so now, this year, i tried to do what was right and I sent her a small gift only to be barked at about sending her things in boxes because she’s trying to move and she doesn’t want any clutter. She didn’t even know what was in the box before she started bitching. then, i called 2day 2 say happy mother’s day and i had to leave a message. i called again, voicemail. i called one last time, and the voicemail came on again. People, really, don’t judge me cuz i have very little respect for my mother. how would you feel if all your life you’ve felt like no one really wanted to bothered with you. hence, i’m a loner and i’m fine with that. family is over rated. friends are good and i’m starting to appreciate life but i refuse to jump through hoops to say happy mother’s day to a person who didn’t want me 36 years ago and from her actions, up until this day, it seems that she feels the same way. fuck it! i cannot be bothered! don’t judge me until you know the WHOLE story
Tina commented on Jan 24 12 at 2:48 pmI think part of it is that single moms may raise their daughters to be more independent, and help them realize that their life can have meaning and be fulfilling without a romantic element. I think the daughters of single moms might be more likely to leave relationships that aren’t working, even when they have kids involved, because they know first hand that moms can do it alone – so why suffer in a relationship that is making them miserable? I don’t think it’s that single moms’ negative comments about the absent parent put their daughters off men in general – I think it just makes their daughters more discerning.
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