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Should a Severely Disabled Mother Get to See Her Kids?
Nobody is arguing that Abbie Dorn should be allowed to take care of her kids. The 34-year-old mother of triplets is severely disabled, unable to speak or sit up or even lift a child to her lap. Instead, her two girls and a boy, who are nearly four, live with their father, Dan Dorn, in California, while Abbie lives in South Carolina, where her parents, Susan and Paul Cohen, take care of her every need.
One of those needs, the Cohens say, is to see her three children, which she has held only once in her life — just after she suffered a botched c-section and before a resulting severe cardiac arrest and subsequent strokes.
But Dan, who divorced Abbie exactly a year after the birth complications and resulting severe disabilities, says the children would be traumatized by their mother, who he claims lives in a constant vegetative state with no hope of recovery. She gave birth to the triplets, but she’s not a mother. In fact, he forbids any discussion of mothers with his kids, Paul Cohen says, a request that the grandfather honors in order to maintain regular contact with the three.
The Dorn’s story in the LA Times is not only tragic, it forces us to answer uncomfortable questions: What is a parent? Do children have a right to know their mothers? When is a disability so severe that legal parental rights no longer apply?
The Cohens are fighting on behalf of Abbie in court and soon a California Superior Court judge will decide whether the mother has a right to visits from her children. Dan Dorn’s attorneys say the fight is really about the grandparents wishes, not Abbie’s, since the mother cannot speak for herself.
But the Cohens claim Abbie can communicate, that she answers yes or no questions with blinks of her eyes. A blink means yes. No response means no.
At the end of the piece, someone asks Abbie whether she wants to see her kids. The reporter writes:
She blinks, long and hard.
I’m not inclined to weigh in on Abbie Dorn’s medical condition. Did she really understand what was asked and could she really generate a response? Maybe the long hard blink was a reaction to a loud noise, in this case a voice. Maybe her caregivers are seeing what they want to see, responses to their questions, a daughter who can still communicate. I’m leaving that for the pros to sort out.
I can’t help but think about her kids, though. I think they should be allowed to see their mother and to know about her. The father wouldn’t agree to be interviewed for the story, but the grandparents say the kids don’t even know about their mom, because the father worries that they’ll feel guilty for what happened to her. Would they? That sounds like the father’s guilt more than any kids’.
I think the father has really messed up. It wouldn’t be traumatic if he hadn’t stopped bringing them to her for visits for the last 2 1/2 years. Even just to see her, be next to her, smell her. If they had done that all their lives, hospital visits and their curled up mother would all be normal to them and, while maybe not joyful or exciting, also not traumatic.
Sure, they’re likely to never have a cuddly relationship with the woman who gave birth to them; they’ll likely never have heart-to-heart talks with her, have her do their hair, get help with homework. But still. She’s a part of their story. Someday they’ll be curious. They way it’s reportedly being handled, though, the kids get to be responsible for making an entire life just disappear — no memories, no pictures, just … poof! She’s gone. Also, what’s that going to do to their relationship with their father when they find out they’ve been deceived — by a lot of the grown-ups around them?
What do you think? Is the father just doing his job? Does a severely disabled mother have a right to see her kids? Do her kids have rights? And what about the grandparents?
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52 Comments
Poppy commented on Apr 13 10 at 9:09 amwhat a horrible man. what mother wouldn’t want to see her children? what children wouldn’t want to see mom? (unless they were brainwashed) when they get old enough, they probably won’t be able to forgive him. then they will be without 2 parents. how sad.
Jen Hunter commented on Apr 13 10 at 9:34 amI agree that the dad has screwed up here. Even if they don’t talk about mothers at home, presumably the nearly-four-year-olds know that mothers exist and that everyone has one. That discrepancy alone is going to mess them up. I don’t think any harm come from letting them see her. I think it’s more important for their sakes. She’s a grownup and (assuming she’s conscious) can cope with the loss. Little kids are going to be saddled with this their whole lives, and hoo boy are they going to resent their father for it.
BlackOrchid commented on Apr 13 10 at 11:29 amThere is no justification for the father’s actions here. He’s behaving inhumanely. Horrid.
TC commented on Apr 13 10 at 11:54 amI agree. There’s no reason for it. Kids need closure and are so amazing with what they can comprehend. For him to react this way just shows his character, and those kids will rebel and hate him for it.
Penn Girl commented on Apr 13 10 at 1:09 pmI agree that he’s acting wrong here, but I also feel tremendous sympathy for a man who unexpectedly and tragically lost his wife and has had to raise triplets on his own. I can’t imagine how horrifying it must be for him to see the once vibrant woman that he loved reduced to a vegatative state. That being said, the kids don’t have any knowledge of who their mother once was (well…no knowledge of her at all) so I do think a lot of his fear for them is projected.
Amy commented on Apr 13 10 at 1:28 pmIt is horrible what this father is doing. How would he like it if the roles were reversed and he was suddenly disabled. This mother gave life as she knew it for her children. The terrible tradgedy that took place is not her fault, she should not be punished. The children should not only hear about their mother but get to see her often. They should be told daily about her, how she once was and what life is now for her. What a sad story – and a horrible man!
kate commented on Apr 13 10 at 1:53 pmSomething similar happened to a family I know, and the father has treated the situation exactly in the opposite way. In this case, the child knows the mother, in all her devastating limitations. It’s unbelievably sad, but treating the situation with love and honesty would seem to me to be the only way — this father, who I don’t doubt has been through hell, would be better served by doing the same.
Mistress_Scorpio commented on Apr 13 10 at 2:10 pmNo other way to say this, but fuck this guy. Seriously. He divorced her a year to the day of the malpractice that was performed on her because he was engaged to another woman. How’d he find time for that relationship, one wonders, while raising triplets. Now that she has won a multimillion dollar lawsuit for what happened to her, he is going after her for child support. So fuck him. That poor woman and her loving parents who gave up their lives to care for her… and he couldn’t stick around a year.
Tanya commented on Apr 13 10 at 2:38 pmYeah, what a terrible man. His clear lack of human compassion is amazing. I hope he doesn’t get a red cent from them AND is forced to allow the mom/grandparents visitation. And what kind of woman would marry a man who ditched his wife after such a trauma?
BlackOrchid commented on Apr 13 10 at 3:06 pmApparently the new girlfriend/fiancee realized what sort of person he is quickly enough to bail out on their engagement.
JBoogie commented on Apr 13 10 at 3:11 pmI hope he rots. What an ass.
Terri commented on Apr 13 10 at 4:11 pmYour left out the part where he is suing her for child support! All I can say is what a jerk (and that’s the PC version).
Ri-chan commented on Apr 13 10 at 8:42 pmWhat kind of man leaves his WIFE after something like that? He’s supposed to love her and care for her and he just leaves her to the care of her ageing parents?
Carolyn commented on Apr 13 10 at 9:06 pmWhat a terrible way not only to treat someone with a disability, but to deal with the issue of disability altogether. As sibling to a profoundly disabled brother, I feel strongly that everybody loses in this equation.
Magnoliama commented on Apr 13 10 at 10:41 pmDisgusting. What a horrible, horrible man. He needs to get on the couch and quit projecting his own trauma on those poor children.
D long commented on Apr 14 10 at 8:29 amThis lady is still living to see her kids!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lets this woman have her children!!!!! Her Husband is short of GOD in his life. I would want to know my mother bed ridding or not!!!!!! Take that asshats mother from him!!!!!!!!!
Judy commented on Apr 14 10 at 8:49 amI hope this ass rots and happiness and joy elude him until he realizes that his wife gave all for him and those children and she has the RIGHT to see them.
Lisa Brazeal commented on Apr 14 10 at 9:36 amComments: Horrible for all parties involved. I would hope that anyone committing to “love, honor, and cherish, till death do part”. would Honor God’s word, and help in any way they can. The parents are elderly and show here what a parent’s responsibility really is. He can learn a lot from this loving couple. It takes a lot to take care of someone in need and they are committed unlike him. The children I do think need to see and know who their Mother is, and Abbie needs to feel that love for her sole. How this must hurt her dearly. The children will resent “his decision” to not be able to at least know their Mother, Children adapt well to situations, and just knowing their Mother thru these loving grandparents is so desperately needed. He is a coward, and a cruel person in my eyes. Shame on him, and truly not a Godly man.
Rosana commented on Apr 14 10 at 11:37 amOMG. Yes Magnoliama, disgusting is the right word. Why would they be traumatized?? Is their mom, and maybe she could have been in better shape within her condition if she could see her kids grow. There is a reason she got pregnant, she wanted kids and once you see them the joy starts and you look forward to see them everyday. Maybe the kids will be traumatized if the father talks about the way he sees their mom.
Shannon commented on Apr 14 10 at 11:56 amIf her children grow up knowing who she is and the disability she endures, it will be their reality from an early age. They won’t be traumatized because it will be all they’ve known.
The children don’t need to know the sad reality that her disability happened while giving birth to them; they can learn that when they’re older and able to comprehend the tragedy…her loss and theirs. Their feelings are being ignored in this…they don’t get to be raised by their own mother. And she won’t get to raise the babies she wanted so much. Regardless of her cognition level, visitation should be granted so that she’s still a part of their lives in some capacity.
Admittedly I don’t know what it’s like to be married to a person who suffered a horrible injury resulting in a major disability. It is unimaginable. That being said, her ex couldn’t get away from her fast enough. Did her family take her in and take care of her because he “couldn’t” (since he had the triplets and got engaged to another woman?) What happened to “’til death do us part”? I can understand that it would be hard to live half a lifetime married to someone in a semi-vegetative state. Honestly I don’t know if I could do it. But even if I asked for a divorce, I would still adore and love my disabled ex-spouse. I’d visit and help out in any way I could. I wouldn’t leave him behind, cast aside like a broken toy.
What would it hurt to allow those kids to grow up knowing their mother in some capacity? They’re still young enough that – if done in the proper way – they will *not* be traumatized. Young children are resilient and tolerant of differences. THIS is the time to introduce them to her life, and vice versa. If they wait much longer, it will be MUCH harder on the children. No way around it, that Dorn guy lacks sensitivity, decency and emotional intelligence.
Shannon commented on Apr 14 10 at 11:59 amOh and the father doesn’t allow anyone to talk to his children about “mothers”?!? Does he tell them a stork brought them? How does he explain all those women with children in tow?
Princess Mommy commented on Apr 14 10 at 12:14 pmIt’s amazing to me how so many people see themselves as qualified to judge another human being without being in his shoes AND without all of the facts. Surely you are intelligent enough to realize that this is a complicated case and you don’t know all the details. Echoing the person who said “how would he like it if the situations were reversed?” How would YOU like it if someone took your complicated situation and dragged it out in public without your side of the story and everyone sat in judgement on YOU? Think about it.
Monica commented on Apr 14 10 at 5:54 pmIt’s crazy how a story can be presented by one side and make everyone’s veiws one-sided. This man has been through so much the woman he’s loved is nowa vegtable th doctor told him most of her brain function will not return, he has no choice he is raising three children all on his own and wants to do what’s best for his children. Children at that ag can’t handle seeing someone in that state and will feel guilty an wll definately be traumatized. Have any of you people commenting seen someone in a vegatative state? Yet eveyone is so quik to jugde. My heart goes out to this man who has to singlehandedly support and raise his children whithout any finacial suport. He is doing an amazing job!!!
Pctrkts commented on Apr 14 10 at 6:16 pmI do not vilify the father for doing what he thinks is right whether I agree or not. I’m just interested in the Court ruling on whether a person in a persistent vegetative state who cannot sit up, speak, or eat, or go to the bathroom on their own should have parental rights. I believe the author is correct that this case is about what the grandparents wish for on behalf of their daughter. They want to see the responses where there are none. The body is animated but the mind checked out a long time ago. If there was any kind of brain wave activity in response to stimuli the doctors would have noted it long ago.
Dee commented on Apr 14 10 at 10:19 pmCommentsI had a brother was in similar condition…unable to communicate. The love he shared and to everyone who fell in love with him…is surely God’s way of getting his message out. How can this man disown the mother of these children? She was a somebody…she still is a somebody…I never gave up on my brother and I love him dearly. He died one month ago.
Julie commented on Apr 14 10 at 11:36 pmDo any of you have children? Shame on you for being so judgemental of a man bringing up children on his own and is an amazing father, looking out for their best interests. What about the sympathy for a man left to bring up three children? Disgusting is what I describe all of you for being dismissive of a father who is loving, kind, caring, nothing short of amazing for doing a terrific job with three beautiful, sweet, kind children. If you had your own young children, you would know as a parent, as I do, a mother of three, that you want the very best for your children and don’t want to harm them, hurt them in any way. After seeing that video on Good Morning America (see youtube.com if you haven’t already), I would NOT expose my children to a person in a vegatative state, no eye contact, no ability to track, no acknowledgement, no recognition of anyone around her. For my own young children, I think they would be scared, upset at the least. I think it’s no small issue to expose young childrfen to a brain-dead person, especially if it were their own mother – how traumatizing would that be to say, “we’re taking you out of your loving home, flying you five hours (it’s Abbie’s parents mind you who TOOK HER AWAY from L.A to South Carolina!) The grandparents always been welcome to Dan’s house. Paul actually stayed MANY times and Dan rearranged their day, taking them out of preschool to see Paul, their grandfather. Dan has always welcomed Susan but she has NEVER visited her own grandchildren, yet she wants them to come to her home, away from everything they know and be introduce them to a woman who has no functional communication- what would the kids say to her? Say hi mommy, no response. Susan is using these children as pawns in her game since she’s never made the effort to see them, she now wants them to come to her. When they’re older, perhaps more could be explained and they can go to South Carolina instead of using three three year olds as little possessions. They are precious, sweet, beautiful, well-behaved chilren that poor Dan has had to bring up single-handedly with the help of relatives and be everything to these children. What about your sympathy for a grieving man who has lost his wife and comes home to bring up three babies by himself. He grieved for years, and finally divorced after 3 years. Doesn’t he have a right to move on and have a life? It’s now almost four years later, and he is doing the best he can to bring up his kids. THIS CASE WILL BE DETERMINED BASED ON THE BEST INTEREST OF THE KIDS, NOT the mother.
Catem commented on Apr 15 10 at 1:50 amThose children are not being served by their father but rather harmed – raising them in lies and teaching them by his actions how to be despicable human beings. He should lose all visitation and custody and the children should be with their grandparents and mother. This is one of the worst stories I’ve read in a while… what happened to decency and morality??
ps – I would really doubt that this was an unassisted triplet pregnancy (as an ivfer myself) so that makes it even worse, if so.
bethanysanders commented on Apr 15 10 at 10:46 amI believe he is making a huge mistake, and I think that when the kids find out — and they will eventually find out — they’re going to be very sad and very angry about what has been taken away from them. I hope the courts rule in her favor.
Mistress_Scorpio commented on Apr 15 10 at 10:47 amIt was a botched c-section.
BlackOrchid commented on Apr 15 10 at 4:03 pmMistress, what Catem was saying is that the conception was likely assisted, via AR like IVF or IUI/injectibles. I’d guess the latter with trips. It does sort of make this whole thing even more sad. she probably went thru a small bit of hell to have these triplets. I know from whence I speak. And now her husband, knowing all this, is keeping them away from her because she is broken. Again, horrid.
Henrietta commented on Apr 15 10 at 5:46 pmComments This father is a real bottom dweller. It is beyond immoral that grandparents should have to beg to see their grandchildren, and only upon condition that they don’t speak of their daughter. This father is demonstrating both discrimination and inhumanity.
Mistress_Scorpio commented on Apr 15 10 at 6:56 pmMy bad. Thanks for the clarification.
Anne commented on Apr 15 10 at 11:08 pmComments: I knew Abbie Cohen when she was in college at Ohio State University. We went to Puerta Vallarta for vacation back in 1997… We have not seen her in years…and the news stories are the first time we have seen her in this state.
Abbie was vibrant and fun..she was extremely smart… She wanted children. How can we allow someone to not see their child because they are disabled? I agree with the writer on this blog…if the children had seen their mother all this time, it would not be traumatic. While I completely understand a 30 something man wanting to move on with his life, it could include the mother of his children in some way, shape, or form. I know that my opinion may seem somewhat biased because I know her and I cried last night when I saw Good Morning America on the internet….as a mother, I think that she has a right to be near her children, hear the laughter and voices, even if she can’t talk, to smell their hair…to feel the touch of their little hands, to feel a small hug, or a child’s fingers twirl her hair. They have a right to hear stories about their mom and what a wonderful woman she is…and how vibrant she was….they need to hear that someday….
To the Cohen family, you are in our thoughts and our prayers. What a complete heart break….We support Abbie being able to “feel” the presence of her children….
RNfriendinLA commented on Apr 15 10 at 11:46 pmComments
This is a horrible, tragic case where the mother (who did not have a c-section, but rather gave vaginal birth to her children – a big mistake on the OB’s part), lost all sympathetic functions of her brain and is in, according to all of the neurologists on the case, in a permanent vegetative state. She has no comprehension of what is going on around her, and can certainly not speak for herself. This is a case in which the grandparents refuse to believe that their little girl is gone. The grandparents moved her away to SC from LA where Dan visited her on a regular basis. Had they not moved her away, he, very likely, would have continued visiting her with the children. This is 2 1/2 years later and the Cohens have made no efforts to bring her back to see her children. I feel very sorry for Abbie in all of this. As I knew her prior to this tragic event, she would never have wanted to put Dan and the children in this position.
jake commented on Apr 16 10 at 1:42 amA number of facts in this article are wrong, but that’s besides the point. Bottom line is the kids should be allowed to see their mom. I don’t think kids that age can feel guilty in that way. If anything, the guilt would come when they’re older. Any guilt mentioned may indeed be his own, but who are any of us to judge a man who has been through what he has? You read some messed up article, believe everything you read and jump all over the poor guy. You don’t know the facts and you don’t know him. I think if anything it was hope he gave up too soon, not his love. She is not a vegetable and recovery of her type is possible albeit slowly and perhaps not completely. She needs our hope, prayers, faith, love and encouragement NOT controversy.
kat commented on Apr 16 10 at 1:43 pmHe will reap what he’s sowing. Sooner or later the kids will find out the truth and have major issues because of his lying/cruelty towards their mother and themselves.
Erin commented on Apr 17 10 at 12:48 pmI am so sad that he has not chosen to keep her in their lives. It would do a world of good for all involved. She’s not a horrible person that you need to shield your children from. She is their mother. Som people grow up with a parent that is blind or deaf or missing limbs – this woman is their mother, regardless. Don’t start those beautiful children off with predjudices. Think of what they are going to think when they grow older and know they’ve been kept from their mother. :( So sad. I pray for a miracle for Abbie.
annonymous commented on Apr 19 10 at 6:39 pmComments
Its my understanding that in any divorce case where the parents live in seperate states- that the children will go to each state for visitation of that parent… because Abbie’s parents felt that her care would be best in the state of SC- why are you against the parents?
If your child were in this condition, and she needed medical assistance- wouldnt you want her near you?
I think that the judge should grant visitation rights- however, if the ffather feels that the visition will upset the children, why not have visitation rights-where they visit while a counselor or psychiatrist or psychologist is on hand for the kids to explain what is happening, and why this happened to their mommy… kids have no prejiduce against people… its us adults that have the issues- and we “teach” our children to not accept what is “different”.
Pray that those 3 children get to know their mother- pray that they get to see their mother- and pray for that miracle that Abbie needs so despirately….
fredlearned commented on Apr 19 10 at 10:15 pmComments The father is doing a great job being a caring loving parent. Few people in his place could handle such a terrible situation. The Cohens have lied to the press and so many heartless people want to jump in and criticize with only knowing one side
Sydney commented on Apr 20 10 at 12:30 pmCommentsI have a brother who suffered a severe brain injury 15 years ago. All of the doctors told us he would never come out of his coma but if he did he would be a vegetable for the rest of his life. After one year in the hospital (with minimal therapy) he was given Ativan because the medical staff wanted him to be calm when seeing a dentist. Approximately 4 hours after the Ativan was given he “woke up”. He was writing questions about what happened to him, wondering where he was etc. He also didn’t want to go to sleep that night because he knew in the morning he would be back in his “normal” state which was not responding a lot, needing help eating, not speaking etc etc. I had a baby 9 months after my brother’s accident. When I first showed my baby to my brother there was definite reaction. His eyes bulged and his body started moving. After the “awakening” my brother (just as he predicted) was not responding again the next morning. My family made a decision to take him home on a weekend and try to give him Ativan again as the medical staff all claimed that he would not respond to it and would not try it again. Needless to say he began improving with this medication because his brain had been so damaged the medication slowed down the brain waves firing all around his head and he could now focus. During this time I brought my baby to my brother daily. The reaction was amazing and even when he was in his coma I would place the baby beside him and they would sleep together. My children have grown up with their uncle going through all stages of brain injury, many of which are not pretty. They have a great understanding and compassion for him and because of this, for other people in wheelchairs and with all types of disabilities. He loves them and they him. Abbie needs to see her children!! They need to visit her and learn how to love her. She is their mother and I am sure it would be very healing and wonderful for her. I understand the father’s position because many people cannot handle situations of this proportion but he needs help too to understand what Abbie is going through and to see how hard she is working. My brother is now living in his own apartment with help 6 hours per day and through his physiotherapist is beginning to walk! Miracles due happen. Good luck Abbie and keep up with the hard work. It does pay off. The brain makes new connections. To Abbie’s parents – good for you!! don’t give up!
Marlyn commented on Apr 21 10 at 11:53 pmThis mouse of a man is disgusting.
He did not go through anything to have these kids she did that is why she is in the state she is in.
He is only interested in geting large sums os money because of the state she is in.
Is he claiming in his lawsuit that the kids are devasted by the loss of their mother.
Does he have a girlfriend if not now he will surely have one when he gets millions for Abbie going through hell to have these kids that he now claims to love. I pray for a miracle that something kick starts her brains and she recovers and is able to claim her kids and the millions the hospital owes her.
The parents should make a scrap book of everything that is reported to show the kids at a later date.
Dos anyone know if he is going to say she should be put to death so he can have all the money.
How can he take her money can her parents get it in trust for the kids?
fredlearned commented on Apr 22 10 at 1:08 amThe father is doing a great job while he is being ripped apart by the internet. Neurologists believe Abby is in a persistent vegetative state. The father is a fantastic person, kind and generous. He gave Abby’s parents the entire settlement
fredlearned commented on Apr 22 10 at 1:21 amThere are so many cruel, insensitive comments from people who only have one side of the story and rush to judgment. Abby’s parents have created a media circus which can only be bad for the three babies.
Elizabeth commented on Apr 22 10 at 9:43 amI agree with Sydney–the father needs help to understand what Abbie’s going through, and to realize that she’s not a monster. She’s a human being whose brain was injured. Some people seem to have a horror of disability, as if illness or injury could change a human into something else. In short, I think he’s basically grossed-out. Well, “I’m grossed-out by my ex-wife” is not a valid reason for denying parental rights. I understand that he has gone through some very traumatic events, and I hope he’s gotten the help he deserves. I just think he needs a tiny bit more help to see the humanity in the woman who used to be his wife.
Irene commented on Apr 22 10 at 10:08 amHey Fred – “Father wants financial support from ex-wife
Dan Dorn is seeking child support from his ex-wife, with the trial on support, custody, visitation and other issues scheduled for May 13.” http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/36694847/ns/health-more_health_news/
Caroline commented on Apr 22 10 at 5:18 pmI have to wonder……. what if one of the triplets gets into a car accident and becomes paralyzed????
Will Daniel Dorn do the same thing he did with Abbie – abandon him/her and cut off all contact with all children?
Please read this OPEN LETTER TO DAN DORN, EX-HUSBAND of ABBIE DORN:
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/2919810/an_open_letter_to_dan_dorn_exhusband.html?cat=9
Thoughts?
Emily commented on May 29 10 at 1:06 pmHmm… Let me think… YES. YES SHE SHOULD. She is the children’s mother. She deserves to see the children. The father is, in my opinion, more disabled than his wife. He won’t even let them talk about mothers. He shouldn’t let his own idiocy (a word I invented to describe how much of an idiot he is) get in the way of his top priority: his family.
AMomInOK commented on Jul 08 10 at 5:22 pmYou know, I’m sure it HAS been hard to raise three kids alone. I’m sure it WAS difficult to “lose” his wife in such a horrendous fashion. I don’t even think it was such a terrible thing that Dan Dorn chose to divorce Abbie. She, obviously, could no longer be a “wife” to him in any sense of that word. If I were in that situation, I would hope my husband would go on and find love and be happy again in the future with someone healthy and whole. HOWEVER, there is absolutely NO excuse for this man to deny these children’s mother the right to see them. NONE whatsoever! Please spare me the “It will be traumatizing for them to see her this way.” or the “They might feel guilty . . .” (That one is BEYOND ridiculous!). Those are EXCUSES. Nothing more. I PRAY the courts will do the right thing and order visitation for this poor, poor woman who has had this unthinkable insult added to her tragic injury by a selfish, hateful person who clearly is thinking more about his own aversion to his ex-wife’s condition than the mental well-being of his children.
Beth commented on Mar 25 11 at 10:09 pmI have to wonder if there is more to this story than we know. To divorce your comatose wife one year after she went into the coma seems pretty strange. Who did he figure would take care of her? Did he care? This woman gave her all to bring three children into this world and he can’t spare any time for her? I am not sure what religion this person pretends to follow but I doubt it is OK with any church or religion to abandon your wife and deny your children any knowledge of her. For his attorney to make statements about her fitness as a mother is unethical and disgusting. An injured person is not unfit, that designation is for someone who mistreats or injures their child, kind of like what this father is doing.
Marty commented on Mar 29 11 at 2:39 pmMy problem is, that I really am not totally convinced that this brain damaged woman has no comprehension. How do we really know what is going on inside her head? I realize the doctors can diagnose, predict and make prognosis, but they are not in her brain and nobody can truly tell if her brain is deviod of all thinking. Kids are much tougher than people give them credit for and they also accept things like this, with less judgment than us adults. She is their Mother, he made her pregnant, she has lost the most. What harm could it do? I loved my Mom, even when she didn’t know who I was anymore and messed her diapers in a nursing home. I always felt that somewhere in that vacant stare, she knew I was there. And right before she died, she woke up, made a loud sound and reached for my hand. When I squeezed her hand, she fell asleep peacefully and died a day later in her sleep!
skelly commented on Jul 29 11 at 3:03 pmI just wanted to share some insight from the perspective of these poor children, but as a disclaimer, my own situation is obviously less severe. My mother was severely disabled for the entirety of my childhood. While she was still able to verbally communicate and move to a certain extent, I was not picking up by her past the age of four, which I know broke both of our hearts, and she was unable to walk or even use a wheelchair for any length of time and was absent from most events of mine as a child. Most people considered my father a saint for sticking around and taking care of both myself and my mother. Well, they were just plain wrong. I can’t remember a time when I was unaware of the resentment and embarrassment he had for her, and it’s laughable to believe not one of the children in question notices it either. It was extremely painful for me to know my mother was being hidden, if not from me then from others. I started feeling guilty around my dad for loving my mom so much, since his behaviour indicated that was wrong to do. Her condition started to get worse and my dad (and his family) started preparing me for her to die. I was told at one point she was leaving to live in a hospice, when my mom and her family would tell me that wasn’t going to happen I would be told that her illness had started to affect her ability to reason and communicate and her family was just holding on to blind hope (much like this case, really). Well, I didn’t buy it even then. I wanted to stay near my mother. The day finally came when I was 13 that my mother was brave enough to call a local church for assistance in leaving my father, still unable to move much let alone walk, and was taken for an extended hospital stay. My dad, of course, thought he could keep full custody of me while my mom crawled off somewhere to die. Social services had something else to say about that. They interviewed me and both parents and decided that the cruelty involved in keeping a child from even a severely disabled mother was grounds to have custody removed. It was decided that once my mother found assistance in raising me that I would go to her. They didn’t even leave me with my dad for long enough for him to continue mom-bashing and brainwashing me, I was shuttled off to care of kin foster care. Now as an adult who is also a mother and a social worker I 100% agree with their decision, his actions in treating my mother as second class for not being able to full-time care for me were cruel and did require custodial intervention. Wouldn’t you know it, my mother was happy during her hospital stay away from my father. She gained hope once the custody issues were resolved and she new she would keep me. She got the medical attention she needed and after a few months of living with me with the assistance of family friends, we were off to our own home. She regained her mobility and raised me just fine on her own. We’re very blessed she recovered under these circumstances, which is obviously far less likely for this family, but I was also told there was no hope. Now she’s able to swim and run and play with my daughter which more than makes up for the times she missed while I was growing up. She never once tried to keep me from my father, and as painful as it must have been for her she arranged visits (even when I didn’t want to see him) and kept him up to date on all my activities after his custody was removed. That’s just what a parent does. She did the right thing for her kids, he didn’t, and I will always call her over him to watch my child and be active in my life any day of the week. As an adult I have nothing but respect for the amount of bravery it takes to hold on to parenting through a disability (even if this woman is in a vegetative state, then I have respect for the grandparents wanting to grandparent despite the pain and disability in their lives) and nothing but disrespect and hurt over the cowardice my father showed in trying to keep me from my mother due to things she couldn’t possibly control. I had the right to express how much exposure to my mother’s disability I could handle, and that right was robbed of me for a long time. I’d hate these kids to grow up with the feelings I had. Again, it’s a different story, but I had to share insight from the perspective these kids might have some day.
Shannon commented on Mar 09 12 at 4:29 pmThis is so wrong. She should be able to see her children, her children should be able to see her. They should have since the beginning. A lot of families are not what we consider normal and do just fine.
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