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Employer Tells Pregnant Woman to Keep Quiet About Pregnancy
A UK woman is claiming that her supervisor told her she wasn’t allowed to discuss her pregnancy with co-workers because some of them had suffered miscarriages.
Traci Winchcombe was an assistant manager at a Canterbury Mothercare store. She says that when she told her manager that she was pregnant, everything changed.
“I didn’t understand why I was not allowed to mention my pregnancy. This really upset me – I felt I had been singled out. I was three months pregnant and felt some of my staff should know – I was beginning to show,” Winchcombe told the Daily Mail.
Winchcombe was eventually fired from her position, not because she was pregnant but because her work was not up to par. Mothercare, for their part, denies that there was any bullying going on and that Winchcombe was actually reprimanded for discussion abortion, not her pregnancy.
But this story does bring up a sensitive topic: How do you handle announcing your pregnancy when you know friends are struggling with infertility or have suffered a miscarriage?
Etiquette experts Marjorie Brody and Dana May Casperson tell Parents.com that silence isn’t the answer, but sensitivity is:
In a word[handle the situation], delicately. “Call or get together, and gently say, “Sarah, I’m pregnant. You’re one of my best friends, so I wanted to tell you,” Brody suggests. And though it’s not necessary to be apologetic, it is wise to restrain your exuberance. “I would try not to overdo it with regular updates,” Casperson says.
Whatever else, don’t make a fertility-challenged pal the last one in your social circle to know that you’re expecting. “It’ll kill the friendship if she gets the info secondhand,” Casperson warns. In fact, try to tell her in advance of other acquaintances so she’ll have time to digest the news.
If you’ve struggled with infertility or had a miscarriage, what do you think is the best way for friends to handle their pregnancy news? And if you’ve got a story, share it with us in comments.
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3-year-old Walks Tightrope Over Tigers | Strollerderby commented on Apr 14 10 at 1:01 pmMistress_Scorpio commented on Mar 19 10 at 10:50 amI just had to deal with a similar situation. My best friend was struggling with a miscarriage at the same time as I was struggling with accepting an unexpected pregnancy. The best way for people to deal with this kind of news is with utmost respect and sensitivity. I experienced a miscarriage as well, so I know both sides of that particular coin.
PlumbLucky commented on Mar 19 10 at 11:16 am@M_S – complete ditto. Literally, the day I got the positive test, a friend called me for support for the (most recent of many, she has no children despite years/IVF/etc) miscarriage she was currently enduring. Obviously I said nothing then, but I made certain that she was aware privately before the rest of our circle of friends were aware, and in private, so that she could digest and work through.
Christine commented on Mar 19 10 at 12:40 pmAs someone who struggled for three years and at least five tries at Fertility treatments before having my daughter, I would suggest telling the friend privately and prior to announcing to the general masses. I had at least three or four friends tell me they were pregnant while I was struggling and I appreciated being allowed to prepare in private for their big announcement to the world. Sometimes people would say the most hurtful things unintentionally (ie. “Hey, when are you guys going to stop messing around and have kids already”)just based on someone else’s pregnancy annoucement.
wandergrrl commented on Mar 19 10 at 3:04 pmAs someone who has been through a year of infertility treatments and never did get pregnant (while it seemed to me everyone else was) , I’ll echo that finding out in private is better. There’s no way to entirely shield someone from the negative emotions they’re going to have when they find out you got knocked up your first week of marriage, but I definitely remember my hardest moments when I found out in a group setting that someone was pregnant, for example, walking into book group and founding out a member was pregnant, or attending a wedding to see sprouting bellies on a lot of women I hadn’t seen in a while, topped off by wedding toasts hoping for the couple’s happy life with lots of children. Honestly, in most cases I’m not sure how it could have been handled differently, because when I was blindsided in social situations, and had to leave the situation to go compose myself, it was never because I found out one of my best friends was pregnant (they would have already told me); it was always someone in my larger social circle that I wasn’t that intimate with. I definitely don’t think that pregnant women should have to restrain themselves too much from announcing the happy news, but it’s worth considering that if you’re in a social situation with a group of women in their thirties or thereabouts, chances are at least one of this is or recently was struggling with infertility or a miscarriage. We’re everywhere.
Laure68 commented on Mar 19 10 at 3:21 pmI had 2 miscarriages before having my son, and personally it did not bother me to see women happy about being pregnant. What used to bother me the most was when they would complain about what seemed like little things to me. For example, one coworker was really upset to find out she was having a girl, because she really wanted a boy. She went on and on about it, and how she hoped the person reading the ultrasound was wrong. Maybe this is not fair, but this made me so upset because I would have given anything to be in her situation.
Christine – it amazed me that people who knew I had miscarriages would say the same types of things to me (“when are you going to get pregnant already?”) Sometimes people just do not think.
CSE commented on Mar 19 10 at 4:45 pmI also struggled with infertility for 2-3 years while friends all around me were getting pregnant. I finally wound up asking my friends who I knew or expected were trying to conceive to tell me via email if they had news. When friends told me in person it was impossible to hide my grief, and then I felt horribly guilty for not properly congratulating them. When I got an email I could grieve privately and then show true joy when I congratulated my friend in person at a later time.
Lalalala commented on Mar 19 10 at 7:18 pmI was diagnosed infertile 5 years ago and heading into IVF this year.
I agree that sensitivity should be the key here. Also, constant complaining or adding “because I’m pregnant” on the end of almost every sentence should be kept to a minimum if you’re unsure of who is within earshot.
I currently have a pregnant co-worker who cannot shut up about her pregnancy and acts like she is the first woman to ever conceive with her inserting into every conversation (and this is with her knowing that there are several other women in our office that have had miscarriages/infertility)… it gets old really quick.
Triplemom commented on Mar 19 10 at 9:33 pmI struggled for three years and four IVFs before I got pregnant with the triplets. I agree with Christine, tell her before you tell everyone else. If posible tell her on the phone, when she´s home, us infertiles have weird reactions we can be truly happy for you and still dry because it´s not us but we don´t wanna rain on your parade so the phone it´s actually better. Also don´t volunteer any information, we know you´re pregnant we´ll ask as many questions about it as we can handle.
I hope this helps. Infertility really really (really)sucks.
DCMama commented on Mar 22 10 at 2:48 pmSecond the vote for telling via e-mail. I got told too many times by “sensitive” friends who made a big deal about telling me first, while at lunch or coffee. Now I have to act happy for you and endure the lunch before I can cry. Thanks a bunch. Just send me an e-mail. I’ll cry to my husband and then I really will be happy for you, I promise.
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