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What Makes a Better Parent: Your Gut or the Experts?
What was the first thing my partner and I did after finding out I was pregnant? Well, we hugged. And then immediately zipped over to Barnes and Noble, where we sat in a section of the store we didn’t know existed: “Parenting and Children.”
We stayed there for more than an hour, thumbing through books, looking at pictures and searching for information about how to be pregnant. That wasn’t our last trip to the bookstore in the name of getting all things birth, baby and kid right. Eventually, we added Dr. Google to the mix.
Sometimes the books were helpful, sometimes they were just a pain. Eventually, we each found the way we were most comfortable as parents and now we just Google the more advanced parenting topics like “lice” and “Rice Krispy Treats.”
In other words, we went with our guts, which is what Ada Calhoun, a founding editor here at Babble, says we parents should be doing in her excellent, fun-to-read new book, Instinctive Parenting: Trusting Ourselves to Raise Good Kids. Calhoun argues that with all the conflicting “expert” advice (Cry it out! No, co-sleep!), we parents are just driving ourselves nuts. As long as you love your kids, whatever you think is best probably is.
Whew. That’s a relief, right?
Well, even the non-advice parenting advice is met with contradictions. NurtureShock co-author Po Bronson (read his Babble interview here) argues that some of our instincts may not be the best way to raise kids. Sometimes, the experts really do know better than mom. The two authors were on the NPR show Tell Me More yesterday.
Bronson argued that, sure, parents should listen to their instincts, which tell us to protect our kids. Problem is, those instincts aren’t telling us how to protect our kids. And that’s where the experts come in.
What about conflicting expert advice? He argues there really isn’t any. Sure, there are fads, which we can ignore. But real scientific studies on what’s best have been reproduced again and again by other scientists.
So maybe your gut tells you praising your child will make them better students/dancers/givers. But the studies show, in the long run, praising wrecks motivation.
But here’s what needs to also be said: some experts are, indeed, experts. Others? Well, they’re kind of self-appointed gurus who have widened the scope of their expertise to include personal opinion. So many sleep experts (and pediatricians and mothers-in-law and so on) are guilty of espousing a philosophy rather than guiding others in proven ways — a pet peeve of mine when reading about baby sleep.
Me? I like my gut mixed in with the real science. That thing with the praise? I’ve known about those studies for a long time. So I try to hold back. But sometimes the dirty shirt actually gets inside the hamper and before I can think about how destructive I’m being I blurt out, “good job!”
If that makes me a bad parent, well …
What about you? Gut or science? Tradition or rebellion? How do you figure out what’s best for your kids?
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12 Comments
[...] Really nice discussion on Strollerderby. [...]
Instinctive Parenting on Cafe Mom, True/Slant and Strollerderby! « Ada Calhoun commented on Mar 18 10 at 10:02 am[...] What Does Your Gut Know About Parenting? [...]
Are Triplets the New Twins? | Strollerderby commented on Mar 18 10 at 4:00 pm[...] What Makes a Better Parent: Your Gut or the Experts? | Strollerderby [...]
Does a low carb diet lower the amount of good bacteria in your gut? commented on Mar 18 10 at 6:02 pmann05 commented on Mar 17 10 at 7:00 pmScience. We’ve always tried hard to keep up with the latest research (and not just the initial shallow tabloid way it is often reported). We really liked Nurtureshock for just that reason, debunking bad “science” about children and giving actual studies. People are notoriously bad for estimating risk, making non-emotional decisions, etc. Going with your gut seems foolish, as we are essentially prone to errors and accidents as human beings AND taught a bunch of weird cultural traditions by our parents and those around us.
puke commented on Mar 17 10 at 7:40 pmGut. The bond between me and my child can’t be quantified. I read Nurtureshock and some of it was just goofy. No scientific study is “the last word” anyway. There are trends and mores that have their subtle effects on science and researchers often come into a study with a bent.
Laure68 commented on Mar 17 10 at 7:58 pmI believe very strongly in science, but like you said a lot of people are self-appointed gurus and recite their ideas as if they were backed by something. Even people with titles can write BS. Dr. Sears (the one who wrote The Vaccine Book) admitted that there was no scientific basis for the recommendations in his book, they just came from his gut. ugh.
Good science can be repeated, and was has a well-designed protocol. The problem is that the media will promote a study that has a very small sample size, or poor science behind it. This is why people get so confused.
Laure68 commented on Mar 17 10 at 8:01 pm@ann05 – it is so true that people are bad at estimating risk. That is why there are still so many people worried about their children getting abducted, but worry much less about talking on the phone while driving their kids around. This is one big reason why good science is useful.
ann05 commented on Mar 17 10 at 11:49 pmLaure68– totally agree that good science is repeatable, has a decent sample size, etc. I am lucky to be related to/good friends with scientists and they can evaluate the methodology of a study (so I do *not* rely on the media reporting on it). “Puke” am curious which parts of Nurtureshock seemed “goofy?” That’s a strange claim. Do you mean it contradicted your anecdotal experience or that the scientific procedure seemed off to you?
puke commented on Mar 18 10 at 7:04 amI think some of the “test” they gave children were silly…the ones about lying and such. And the race thing. Like it is somehow BAD that kids would choose to gravitate toward their own race. The part where they tried to tell the kids that Santa was Black put the nail in the coffin for me, as far as respecting the book. To use that “study” as an example of anything is preposterous. First, you are lying to kids about there being a “Santa” then, you are lying about the historical/mythological character, telling them he’s black, when even if there *was* a St. Nicholas, he was certainly not black…then, wondering why the kids are bewildered. People should start by not lying to or manipulating their children and that would go a long way.
ann05 commented on Mar 18 10 at 12:01 pmAh, so the issue was more with your own feelings on race. Got it.
puke commented on Mar 18 10 at 12:07 pmNope. I love black people. I have black friends. I’ve had lots of sex with black men. I just think that it is normal for people to gravitate toward those who look like them, from an evolutionary standpoint. Sure we should teach them not to, but to be appalled by this is naiive. And to lie to kids that there IS a Santa and then say that Santa is black, that’s just BS.
Eric Patterson commented on Apr 30 10 at 10:49 pmLow Carb diet is really the best diet if you want to reduce weight and also to maintain a healthy body.~”"
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