We all know them — those people who are so hopelessly in thrall to one or another parenting philosophy that they begin to resemble cult members. Be it natural parenting, “omg you must have them in activities at least daily so they can get into Harvard or what will people THINK??,” or simply the people who think their little one’s childhood will be irrreparably harmed if they don’t have the latest expensive electronic device or plenty of exposure to commercial TV and movies, some people need to take it down about 17 notches. I’m even pretty sure I lost a friend (who’s a slavish attachment parenting devotee) when I said something along the lines of “Yeah, but, there’s so few ways to really mess up terribly and an awful lot of ways to do this right,” and she looked at me like I’d insulted her religion. Which I guess I kind of had.

Vinay Menon from the Toronto Star writes in his parenting column that he’s starting a new parenting philosophy, that of the “parenting buffet.” In other words, you take a little bit of this and a little bit of that from lots of different philosophies. While his take is humorous, I agree with what he’s saying. Some kids absolutely need tons of contact and snuggling, some need to be allowed to roam. Sometimes a little electronic entertainment can break up the day, sometimes it becomes a substitute for interaction and simpler pleasures. For one kid, Ferberizing is a Godsend that finally lets you and your family get some rest. For the other, it’s base cruelty that leaves him too upset to relax for hours (which is exactly how it played out at my house).

And the person who knows you, your child, and the way your family runs best is not Sears or Spock or Supernanny. It’s you. Any serious devotion to a philosophy beyond “know your kid and figure out what he or she truly needs” is a mistake — and expecting others to parent the way you do is just jerkitude. Every kid, every parent, and every family is different — which is why we need to belly up to the buffet.

Photo by Spencer195 under GFDL, from English Wikipedia.)

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