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Strollerderby
Is the Village Creating Your Little Monster?
Shannon Des Roches Rosa, a mother of three and an amazing blogger, has a fascinating post up over at BlogHer about just who’s responsible when good kids go bad. OK, maybe not bad. But maybe a little hitty or snappy or rude.
Is it the parents’ fault? Or is it yours? That’s right — you, society. Us, in general.
Writes Shannon:
“Once children become social beings and start taking cues from people outside their family, social skills become a group responsibility. And, every time my freshly minted five-year-old walks up to an adult and smacks them on the bottom or otherwise misbehaves, and my apologies and reminders about appropriate behavior are brushed off with an “Oh, it’s okay,” because she’s little and cute or you’re more worried about offending a potentially prickly parent than teaching a child about appropriate boundaries, you have fed my tiny monster anew.”
I know I’ve had my fair share of moments on the playground or on the sidewalk when I’ve wanted to correct the misbehavior of a kid not my own — and sometimes I have depending on the severity of the action — but there are many times I’ve shrugged it off, moving along to other things, smiling weakly and thinking, “Oh, it’s okay.”
But does this make me a monster maker? I’m not so sure about that. A kid learns in the home what is OK and not OK to do when out in public. It is the parent’s responsibility to keep an eye on the kid — especially one you think might misbehave — and correct said action. But still, after reading Shannon’s post, I’m wondering if I do have more responsibility to kids not my own — not a huge responsibility, but enough to let them know with a few taming words that they’re out of line. I call out things like hitting. But I let other things slide. Should I? Especially in this age when half the parents on the playground or at the mall are on the cell phone and clearly not paying attention?
Read the thought-provoking column here and the great discussion it created. I’d love to hear your thoughts: Who is responsible for the little monsters? Their parents or all of us?
Says Shannon:
Step up, people. You have my permission: kindly but firmly tell other people’s children that you are not okay with being treated badly! Really, it’s alright. If the parent is offended, feel free to roll your eyes or grumble about them on Twitter. Your responsibility is to the child, to society.
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5 Comments
PlumbLucky commented on Jan 07 10 at 10:56 amBeing that over Christmas, every slight misbehavior on my son’s part and my gentle admonishments to him were met with relatives saying “its okay”…I am now being very very careful about how I choose my words when I’m in that position, where a child has done something to me/my child/my property and the child’s parent is admonishing them for it. Do you reinforce what the parent says? What if you don’t know the child (as in, the random backside swatter example)? Do you thank the parent?
I did finally tell one of my siblings “no. No phone. It isn’t okay, he will break it, and I don’t want the family guilt when we won’t pay for the damage caused when he DOES break it, because I know you don’t have insurance on it.”
TC commented on Jan 07 10 at 1:16 pmCommentsI think there’s a big difference between disciplining someone else’s child for something they’ve done TO YOU or YOUR KID, and disciplining someone else’s child for something they’re doing that you don’t like IN GENERAL. And, to step back even further, I think Shannon’s talking not so much about you/us needing to discipline her child, but about us not undermining her attempts to discipline her own child. These are all very different things. I can totally get behind the idea that if I’m saying to my son, “It’s not OK for you to ram the grocery cart into someone, even if it is on accident, and you need to apologize,” it’s really unhelpful if you respond by saying, “Oh, it’s OK. I didn’t need the skin on my left ankle anyway!” LET HIM APOLOGIZE if I’m asking him to. Let me do what I need to do to make my kid responsible for his behaviors.
On the other hand…If he rams the cart into ME, and I’m trying to get him to apologize to ME, and things start to spiral out of control (as they’re wont to do)? Stay out of it. I’m right there. I’m handling it. You may not like the way I’m handling it…but I am. This isn’t your place. You don’t know about his issues, and you don’t know how we deal with them in my family, and what you’re trying to do? Isn’t helping any.
On the third hand ;-), if my son is behaving like a hooligan and I’m completely ignoring him? All bets are off.
Elise commented on Jan 07 10 at 1:29 pmCommentsI remember when I was correcting my oldest, who has autism, in a shoe store , when he was much younger. The owner said it was ok. I told him it was definitely not. I think people mean well they just don’t udnerstand. Alternatively, I have tried to correct other people’s children for being mean to my autistic children and have gotten yelled at and called names. I don’t think you can ever win. I learned to mind my own business. Raise my own children. But to never let anyone be mean to mine,pick on them or let them do the same. The truth is you can never really win in today’s world. Too many “perfect”children and too many parents with issues.
alison commented on Jan 07 10 at 2:49 pmMany years ago, I knew a woman who had an adorable Golden Lab/Retriever puppy and so many people would say, “that’s okay” when the puppy behaved badly and she would always say, politely, “He is going to grow up and he won’t be so cute, so he needs to learn it is not okay now.” I haven’t been quite so blunt, but there have been times when someone says, “it’s okay” about my son and I respond, extremely politely, “well, that is very kind of you, but he shouldn’t do that sort of thing.”
carefree childhood commented on Jan 07 10 at 9:46 pmI think a lot of times people say “It’s ok” after someone apologizes to mean “I accept your apology.”
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