They Say: Pregnant Lesbians Treated Differently

Our midwife (and her whole practice) was AMAZING. We felt so, so incredibly lucky to have found the practice (which included a fertility specialist who helped us get pregnant). The hospital staff was also fantastic. But childbirth classes? They were awful. We took two five-week classes. Both instructors said “dads” instead of “partners.” One of them told us, “You’re the first people like you I’ve ever had in my class!” During an exercise where we paired off no one in the class would talk to my partner. She ended up pairing with the instructor who spent their time talking about what it’s like to be a same-sex couple instead of talking about the assignment she had given us. It was really an very uncomfortable experience.

We never made it to the midwife stage. Our local fertility clinic physician refused to let us register as a married couple, saying that our marriage was not legal in this province (we live in Canada where we have federal marriage rights). After 20 minutes of assuring him that in fact we knew the law as it applied to us and we were legally married, he gave up, saying “well we don’t have the paperwork to reflect that”…so I had to sign consent forms for “single women” as my wife looked on. Every time we went for an insemination, we had a different nurse, and every time she assumed that my partner (who has longer hair and wears more feminine clothing) was being inseminated, so directed all instructions to her…they were always shocked to come back into the room to find me on the table with my knees in the air. The pharmacist dispensing fertility meds leaned across the counter and stared into my partner’s eyes while explaining the dosing and side effects of the drug I was going to be taking. That was a rip roaring failure so we moved onto adoption from the foster care system. Where the contracted homestudy social worker sat at our dining room table and said “I can separate my personal beliefs about the gays from my work”. That was a year ago - approved to adopt but apparently the need for adoptive homes for foster kids is not all that great. The great fallacy is that legal rights equate with fair treatment…most of the time the way you are treated is at the discretion of the person/agency you’re dealing with, they will never tell you it’s because you gay - they don’t have to, they can blame it on the paperwork, or on the dearth of adoptable foster kids “right now” or on anything else.

Our fertility clinic was pretty good - the paperwork was completely heteronormative, but the doctors, nurses, and staff were wonderful. Our prenatal classes varied. We had three different instructors for the six classes. The first one was fantastic. She used gender neutral language, and made sure no one was or felt excluded. The second talked about what “the men” would be doing a fair bit, but for some reason it didn’t bother me. The third… do not get me started. Ugh. She acted like every woman who ever gave birth had her husband there with her. Never mind that our group included a same-sex couple, a teenager whose mother was acting as her support person, and a woman whose husband is in the Navy, and may not be here for the birth.

I’m not due until December, so we’ll see how it goes in the hospital. We’ve hired a wonderful doula, so if it is bad, at least we’ll have back-up.