Our midwife (and her whole practice) was AMAZING. We felt so, so incredibly lucky to have found the practice (which included a fertility specialist who helped us get pregnant). The hospital staff was also fantastic. But childbirth classes? They were awful. We took two five-week classes. Both instructors said “dads” instead of “partners.” One of them told us, “You’re the first people like you I’ve ever had in my class!” During an exercise where we paired off no one in the class would talk to my partner. She ended up pairing with the instructor who spent their time talking about what it’s like to be a same-sex couple instead of talking about the assignment she had given us. It was really an very uncomfortable experience.

I’m currently 36 weeks pregnant with the child my partner and I conceived. I live in a very progressive community (in Seattle) and have been lucky that our relationship has pretty much been a non-issue with our hospital-based midwives, with our childbirth educator, or with pregnant straight couples we’ve met at classes or wherever. The only difficulty I had was with the gynecologist I had been seeing when we started trying to conceive, who wasn’t outright hostile but certainly wasn’t very invested in our succeeding in having a baby.

As for locating a provider, I would recommend as a first stop the message boards on mothering.com. There is a section for queer families which includes women from all over the US, and most of the women who post there are at least nominally interested in natural birth.

Andrea-
I would recommend talking to friend’s who can provide references. Also, your friend could always call a practice and say, “I’m in a same sex relationship and I need to know before I make an appointment that my provider will be an ally for us.”

Also, have your friend check out the GLBT pregnancy board on babycenter.com. The community there can be a lifeline!

We live in NYC and were lucky enough to find great, open, experienced caregivers in our OB practice, and even in our childbirth class, we were hardly the first gay couple the teacher had had. That’s the advantage of living in a metropolitan area like this one, I suppose — though there were definitely still a few times we had to explain who was who while we were in the hospital after delivery.

Our fertility clinic was pretty good – the paperwork was completely heteronormative, but the doctors, nurses, and staff were wonderful. Our prenatal classes varied. We had three different instructors for the six classes. The first one was fantastic. She used gender neutral language, and made sure no one was or felt excluded. The second talked about what “the men” would be doing a fair bit, but for some reason it didn’t bother me. The third… do not get me started. Ugh. She acted like every woman who ever gave birth had her husband there with her. Never mind that our group included a same-sex couple, a teenager whose mother was acting as her support person, and a woman whose husband is in the Navy, and may not be here for the birth.

I’m not due until December, so we’ll see how it goes in the hospital. We’ve hired a wonderful doula, so if it is bad, at least we’ll have back-up.

I wonder if single women with female friends/relatives standing in as “birth partners” experience the same thing. I bet not. I am sure when my aunt went in with her teenaged niece no one called her “dad” (Though maybe she got called “mom” and she wasn’t that either).

PS does anyone find it completely demeaning any time a midwife or pediatrician calls the parents “mom” and “dad”. I have a name thank you very much. If you can’t be bothered to remember it you may call me “ma’am”. “Push mom” -looks around- “sorry doc I don’t see your mom here, maybe you want to talk to me instead”.

fertility clinics are on the rise these days because people still want to have kids even if they are already old*”`