Is Keeping Your Name Too Inconvenient?
If you’re like me, you probably won’t get around to reading Gail Collins’s new book for a few more months/years. Instead, you have to settle for reading all the articles about and interviews with the author of When Everything Changed: The Amazing Journey of American Women from 1960 to the Present.
Among the quick-and-easy offerings is this interview with Jezebel’s Doree Shafrir. The two talk about the book, feminism then and now and even stuff that’s not in the book. For example: women keeping their names. Collins’s explanation of why a woman feels it’s necessary to take her husband’s name surprised me.
From Jezebel:
You didn’t have much discussion of women choosing, or not, to take their husband’s name. Among my friends this has been rather controversial—women finding out that their fiances actually feel strongly about it, for example.
Keeping your own name has dropped down again. There’s much more inclination to do it the other way. It’s never knocked me out. If you’re planning on having children, it does get kind of complicated. I changed my name when I got married because the mailman said he wouldn’t deliver the mail if I had a different name. But once you’ve created a career with a name, you’re very unlikely to want to change it. I can see how it’s important to people. I was surprised at how much it’s become unpopular again to not change, after it became such a thing that you wouldn’t do it. I do feel sorry for little kids who have these really long names.
I agree with Collins that whether or not women keep their names isn’t the biggest equality issue out there, if it’s even one at all anymore. But, based on my experience, I couldn’t disagree more with her take on different last names in the same family. It’s nothing even approaching complicated.
I say this as the mother of three kids whose last names are different from her own. Their relationship to me has never once been questioned — by insurance companies, schools, other parents. In fact, only one preschool teacher out of many has even mentioned it — unsurprisingly my last name comes up as my husband’s last name on messages and paperwork from there. But that’s it.
So, I’m wondering: is changing one’s name really “for the children” as Collins perceives it, or is there a different reason? I kept my name because (1) I like my last name (I am, conveniently, a loud talker), (2) I didn’t officially get married until after my second child was born and named, and (3) I was raised by a feminist of Collins’s generation (though my mom changed her name when she got married). The name thing was a big deal when I was growing up and there was a lot of support for the choice to not change one’s name after marriage. So, yes, keeping my name is, in part, a reflection of my upbringing — old-fashioned as it now apparently is.
Collins also mentions the long names a lot of kids have these days. By world standards, names stuffed with people of honor and each parents’ surnames still aren’t all that long. My own kids simply have a second middle name, my last name. That extra name? Not much of a bother.
(Also discussed in the interview: why there are no women hosts on late night TV. Collins says she can imagine Ellen Degeneres getting a late night gig. No! I’d prefer Amy Poehler, for what it’s worth.)
Did you keep your name or change it? Why? How’d you name the kids? (And what woman would you like to see hosting a late night talk show — hey, it’s all relevant!)
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Tags: baby names, Doree Shafrir, feminism, feminist, Gail Collins, jezebel, keeping your name, Madeline Holler, married names, names, trends, When Everything Changed
46 Comments
[...] Is Keeping Your Name Too Inconvenient? [...]
They Say: Pregnant Lesbians Treated Differently | Strollerderby commented on Oct 28 09 at 9:31 amChiken commented on Oct 27 09 at 5:39 pmWhy do your kids have your husband’s last name rather than yours? Did you consider doing it the other way around (i.e., using your husband’s last name as their middle name)? It’s hard for me to imagine having a different name than my kids.
Chicagogal commented on Oct 27 09 at 5:47 pmComments
Added husband’s last name, no hyphen.
Kids have husband’s last name.
Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, Janeane Garofalo, Wanda Sykes.
a's mom commented on Oct 27 09 at 5:59 pmi took my husband’s name when we got married mostly because i liked the idea of us becoming a part of the same family, (not to say having the same last name is what equals family) i guess i just felt that in a time where lots of people just choose to be a couple without bothering to get married, or in many sad cases aren’t allowed to get married, taking his last name was kind of part of the point of going through the whole marriage process. if it wasn’t for me wanting to be formally associated with him we probably wouldn’t have gotten married, we would have just stayed a couple.
Laure68 commented on Oct 27 09 at 6:39 pmI did not change my name. I got married in my 30’s and had already built up a career by then. A lot of previous business contacts find me via my name, which would be impossible if I changed it.
Like you said, having a different name from my son has never been a problem. Where we live, most women keep their last names.
Chiken does ask a good question. My husband was actually OK with our son taking my last name, but in the end I decided for the more traditional way. I can’t really say why, maybe I was a wimp and didn’t want to deal with doing things too differently, as much as I hate to admit it. Maybe the next generation will be different?
Kikiriki commented on Oct 27 09 at 7:23 pmEveryone I know who has the mom’s last name as the second middle name has acknowledged that they’ve essentually dropped it. It doesn’t fit on forms, etc. So I don’t know that it’s all that effective.
Comstock commented on Oct 27 09 at 7:29 pmI feel like the name issue is one of the unfair burdens of our patriarchal system that I’ve chosen to just accept. The kids get dad’s name. Mom can do what she wants, and in our case she hyphenates. Other people can find their own solution. I wish the culture was more equitable on this point, but we’re rolling a little traditionally sexist on this one.
gwendolyn commented on Oct 27 09 at 7:39 pmI think wanda sykes will have a late night talk show. coming soon.
im getting married soon and my sister and I had a heated argument over this topic. She says i shouldnt even bother getting married if im not taking my fiance’s name. I said she was ridiculous and I have a career made out of my name. Simple as that. Kids can have his name. doesnt matter. I had a different last name from my mom for most of my life.
Andrea commented on Oct 27 09 at 7:40 pmI added my husband’s name to mine for social purposes but kept mine alone for work. This was a compromise as I wanted to keep mine and he wanted to change it outright. I felt very strongly about keeping it professionally. I’m an attorney and though I had only been called one year when we were married, I had gained all my professional qualifications in my “maiden” name, and my parents had really supported me through my education. I wanted to keep my original name as a testament to that.
GP commented on Oct 27 09 at 7:53 pmI took my husband’s name because I am in love with him and want us to build a family together. My connection to him is now more important that my connection to my father’s name and family life of my pre-married days. I wanted to be called Mrs. X at my job instead of Ms. X, but my feminist boss wouldn’t have it. That’s OK. I respect her. It was different times back then. Now, its no big deal. Both my husband and I wear the pants, til its time to take them off.
BethNE commented on Oct 27 09 at 7:53 pmI didn’t change my name. It just didn’t feel right to me, seems ridiculously old fashioned. I also have five older sisters who didn’t change theirs so why break tradition? I couldn’t care less that I have a different last name than my kids and my husband (and he is enlightened enough not to mind). They don’t call me by my last name.
It really does seem to freak some people out though, not sure why.
Megg commented on Oct 27 09 at 7:54 pmI never really considered taking my husband’s name. I have always liked mine, I love my family and it’s always been my name. For me it would have felt weird to change. As for our daughter, she has his last name and mine as a middle (as the ONLY middle). I’m sure with having many names one may get dropped, but it’s very important to me that she keeps my name. I decided that she should have my husband’s name as “people” would more likely assume she wasn’t his if her name was different, but not assume the same if mine were different. A pretty sucky reason, but as we weren’t going to hyphenate, it was either his or mine. My husband has considered all of us changing to my name. He says he would never want his daughter to ever feel that she had to change her name if she got married, so he would never expect me to change mine. Having different last names is actually not a big deal, but changing my last name would have been a big deal for me, so I didn’t. Also, I’m a kindergarten teacher and the fact children have different names to either parent is not confusing or a hassle. So I don’t agree with the reasoning that “it’s easier” - you may prefer it that way, but I’ve never seen it be a problem. (Although we’re Australian and don’t live in the USA, maybe it’s a little more conventional in that way about names?)
jenny tries too hard commented on Oct 27 09 at 7:56 pmI changed my name for the simple reason that I never liked my maiden name. It’s an unusual, hard-to-spell name and it’s a huge pain. I spent the first few months of my marriage reveling in the fact that I didn’t have to spell my new name out when conducting business over the phone. Most women I know have tacked their husband’s name onto their own, or gone the “de” route which just sounds weird with certain names and, to me, seems a little more backwards than changing names–It literally means “of” or “belonging to”. I think Justice Sonia Sotomayor did the “de” thing, Sonia Sotomayor de Noonan. Weird.
BethNE commented on Oct 27 09 at 8:04 pmI thought about sticking the kids with my last name as a middle name but my husband had that done to him and said he hated his middle name. I thought the kids would want to have their dad’s last name. Would be proud of my daughter if she keeps it when she gets married too.
SE commented on Oct 27 09 at 8:17 pmI kept my own name, since I earned an advanced degree and started a career with it. It is also an unusual name–an Ellis Island bungling of an ethnic name–and I am related to every person in this country with the name . . . and there aren’t that many of us! I wanted to keep that part of my identity. Our daughter has my name as her (only) middle name, and my husband’s name as her last name. It has never caused any problems, as both names always end up on class rosters and such. It also made it easy to name her, as we only had to come up with one given name!
Miss Chris commented on Oct 27 09 at 8:26 pmI didn’t change my name. Not because I had an important career or anything. I married relatively young. I didn’t change it because I didn’t want to and I was lazy, changing seemed unnecessary. Plus i liked to point out that I got married, not adopted. I’m happy with my choice, it’s never been an issue and now we have a daughter, she has my last name. Maybe if the new baby on the way has my name too my husband will have to succumb to the peer pressure and change his name ;).
e commented on Oct 27 09 at 8:47 pmI changed my name to my partner’s name right after our son was born. We had MANY long discussions about it. Ultimately we decided that there are too many obstacles in being a two mom family in this country. If we can get through some of them by all having the same last name, all the better. I’m not sure if I would have changed my name if I were with a man, but we already have people who question the legitimacy of our family all the time, so I guess this was something we felt we could do (in addition to the million legal documents) to feel somewhat protected.
Voice of Reason commented on Oct 27 09 at 10:39 pmI wouldn’t ask my partner to change his last name and he never asked me to change mine. It just seems like such a weird, unhealthily rooted tradition to me! We are very much in love and completely devoted to building our family together; the name thing seems unrelated to our core values. We chose to give the children his last name because it’s really unusual and at risk of dying out, whereas my last name is very common. I can imagine anyone who knows me would assume it’s because it’s the man’s name! That would be very funny…
Voice of Reason commented on Oct 27 09 at 10:40 pmWhoops! That should read ‘cannot imagine’!
ann05 commented on Oct 27 09 at 11:05 pmFirst of all, the spelling and grammar in this post are atrocious. Second of all, spouse and I discussed what to do for a long time before our wedding. We planned to both hyphenate. Then we figured out (one night in bed) that we were really lazy, and not doing anything would be the best course of action. Our child has a hyphenated last name because he is a joint product. I have a very odd, very unusual last name that nobody can spell. My parents said they gave me a very common first name to balance that out. If I changed my last name? I’d have two boring names. I love my last name and I wouldn’t change it for anything.
brex commented on Oct 27 09 at 11:11 pmI didn’t change my name when I got married because I feel like my last name is a big part of my identity. It gets a lot of comments because it’s slightly unusual. In fact, one of my nicknames incorporates it so to me changing my last name would have caused a big identity crisis. I was going to add my husband’s last name as a second middle name, but I’d have to go before a judge to do it and then change a million documents in two countries so it’s not really worth the hassle. Our daughter has my last name with my husband’s last name as her second middle name. If we have a son next, he will have my husband’s last name. Even my husband’s fairly conservative family thinks it’s neat.
Madeline Holler commented on Oct 27 09 at 11:23 pmJeez, ann05, no kidding on my editing! Thanks for the spanking!
Michelle commented on Oct 27 09 at 11:56 pmI changed my name the first time I got married, but only after a couple of years. It was mainly because I hated how my maiden name was mispronounced (people adding an “h” where there wasn’t one). Changed it to his, and people screwed it up even worse. How hard is it to say the name “Nichols?” Got divorced, changed it back to the maiden one. Remarried and didn’t change it. Still got called Mrs. Him, even though my personal stationery and other correspondence had our different names on it. It’s the South, so go figure. Our family had three last names: husband’s, mine, and the kids. Finally changed it after cutting my parents out of my life. It was symbolic. And wouldn’t you know it–people hacked up the husband’s name too (adding an “i” where there was none). Divorced again. Kept the married name. Remarried (again) and changed it. Believe it or not, I’m not really in favor of a woman taking her husband’s name, but here in the South, you get called his name no matter what. You reach a point where you just give up correcting stupid people and just change it.
Maureen commented on Oct 28 09 at 12:18 amI didn’t change my name and my husband was fine with that. My reason… I didn’t want to. I love my name — it is mine. I love my husband and he knows that I don’t need his last name to be his family. Our children do have my husband’s last name.
karmamama commented on Oct 28 09 at 1:29 amIn my first marriage,I decided to hyphenate my name - and I realized after a couple of years that I absolutely hated having a hyphenated last name. So, I changed it back (legally) to my maiden name while still married (oh, boy, did the old guys at the courthouse dislike that!). As it happened, I wound up divorced several years later (not because of the name thing). In my second marriage, I have kept my name. I just can’t imagine having a different last name. We have two children, and they have his name. I’m comfortable with that - to me, giving them my last name would denote that my husband and I are not married, and we are, so to me it feels right and natural that they have his last name. I won’t change my name, although I’ve thought about it. Really, who will care?
PlumbLucky commented on Oct 28 09 at 8:09 amI happily changed my name even though it meant updating a lot of people in my career path of the change. Why? My Dad is in the same industry, and I was sick to death of having spent ten years (at that point) fighting an uphill battle with the immediate sentiment of “Oh, you’re Jack’s daughter? Okay, so you got your job because of your Dad and you know nothing at all good day.” before I’d even opened my mouth. Sad that this sentiment is prevalent in this industry in the 2000s, but true. Now when I make a new contact, suddenly I’m on an even playing field.
PlumbLucky commented on Oct 28 09 at 8:10 amOh, and about the USPS? I had to put a little note on the inside of my mailbox that said “:maiden name: = :married name”, just some folks haven’t been able to get it even with the correct paperwork filed! Sorry!”
GP commented on Oct 28 09 at 8:29 amGosh, our mailman delivers all manner of mail to us, no matter whose name is on it, if our address is on it…and sometimes even if its not our address!
Jen commented on Oct 28 09 at 9:39 amI didn’t change my name until I had my son. His middle name is my maiden name. I got so sick of people thinking his name was hyphenated, even though I clearly was putting the name in the “middle name” position on forms. But I didn’t care either way …
BlendedName commented on Oct 28 09 at 10:04 amMy husband is more of a feminist than I am, so we blended our names to create a new name for both of us. Being children of the tech age, we made sure it was less than 13 characters to fit on standard forms. A $100 court fee and voila — we both have Maiden names now.
mumus commented on Oct 28 09 at 10:06 amMy first husband, a true feminist, took my family name. After we divorced he assumed his original name. I’m now living in Italy, married to an Italian. Here women keep their names and the children take the father’s name, which works out just fine with me.
ChiLaura commented on Oct 28 09 at 10:14 amI’m evidently way too old-fashioned for this post. I kept my maiden name as my 1st last name, and took my husband’s last name as the 2nd last name (no hyphen, just a space). This was because I’d considered a Ph.D and wanted anything I published to have my maiden name on it. I suppose that if I’d stuck with the Ph.D, I’d have been happy with this, but now I just find it cumbersome. I never introduce myself with my maiden name, and I never know if a hospital or office has both names or only his or what. I wish that I would’ve kept my maiden name as a 2nd middle name, which would be much more simple legally. Our kids, of course, have only my husband’s last name. He didn’t much mind me keeping my maiden name, but he thinks (and I mostly agree) that kids with hyphenated names are a little silly (well, not the kids themselves, but you know). It was important to the Hubs that I take his last name. Besides both of us being traditional religious, his dad left him and family as a baby, his mom’s been married 3 times, and this symbol of family unity is very important to him. Me, too, though even more so considering his history.
Rosana commented on Oct 28 09 at 11:14 amI did not change my name for two reasons: 1) In in Puerto Rico (where I come from) we do not change our names after getting married. I think is more confusing to me when you cannot tell who the woman is related to (aside from her husband) because all her family has a different last name. 2) I was 30 years old when I got married and did not feel comfortable droping my last names and taking my husbands, which I never used before. I also do not think it makes it complicated for kids since I grew up having my dad’s and mom’s last name after my name. My sibblings all have middle names and have to learn to write their whole names with no problems. At the same time, I see a trend to give kids two middle names, so what is the difference for other kids that have both parents last names.
Leah Beah commented on Oct 28 09 at 12:41 pmI know someone who combined part of her last name and part of her husband’s - they made a completely new last name for their new family when they got married. The kids have the new name too. Addresses the “patriarchal” complaint but may disconnect you from the rest of your families!!
DCMama commented on Oct 28 09 at 12:48 pmI added my husband’s name to mine. Now I have a two word last name (which results in a lot of discussions with insurance companies and etc. who claim you can’t have two last names there MUST be a hypen, according to them). Having two names makes it easy for me to just be Sally Jones when I am talking to professional contacts who knew me before marriage, or to be Sally Smith when talking to the kids daycare. And, to be Sally Jones Smith when I want to be. No one ever gets confused (except the insurance companies…)
Kids have an extra middle names. John Paul Jones Smith and Jennie Marie Jones Smith.
Stephanie commented on Oct 28 09 at 12:48 pmMy wife and I got married last year, but neither of us felt compelled to change our last name. When we adopted our daughter, we chose to hyphenate her name, to alleviate some confusion at schools, doctors, etc. So far we love the result. I did find it interesting that 75% of the same sex couples I know chose to change names so their entire family had the same last name. To each his own…
Providence commented on Oct 28 09 at 2:21 pmMy husband and I didn’t change our names. Our kids have his last name as their last name and my last name as their middle name. (We determined this order essentially by coin toss.) That way they have all the benefits of hyphenation (they can use their full names whenever they want to, such as on formal occasions — diplomas, wedding invitations, etc.) without the cumbersome length.
Karin commented on Oct 28 09 at 4:49 pmI actually think the social pressure for a married woman to change her name to her husband’s is a big feminist issue. Your name reflects your identity, and to have my husband define my identity is pretty icky to me. Like Miss Chris said, he married me, he didn’t adopt me. I do have a professional career, but that didn’t play a role in my decision to keep my name.
As for kids, we decided boys would get his last name, girls would get my last name. I wouldn’t want to hyphenate because it’s unwieldy, and also, how would my kids then name their kids? I know two other families that are doing this, and I don’t anticipate any problems with having different last names. People might assume we’re some kind of blended family if they don’t know us, but that doesn’t bother me.
That said, choosing your name is a personal decision, so I’m not going to judge other people’s choices on the matter. It’s just that I can’t help seeing it in a larger societal context.
Amy Kuras commented on Oct 28 09 at 8:52 pmI’m a name keeper too — I don’t like my husband’s last name, it’s very ethnic in an ethnicity that is not mine and it felt like turning my back on that part of my heritage to take his. I always said I wouldn’t change it unless I fell in love with someone with a very easy to spell last name, and I didn’t. Also, I’d built a career with my name and so on. We jokingly call ourselves a hybrid of our two names. The kids have his because that was really important to him and I didn’t care what anyone else’s name was but mine. We’ve never had a problem. Of course, I don’t get offended if someone who knows me through the kids calls me by their last name. If it’s important that they have it right, I’ll correct, but if it really doesn’t matter I usually choose not to embarrass them.
Interestingly, it’s my (Catholic) church friends where there are the most name-keepers. Almost none of our friends from church just straight up took their husband’s last name and most kept theirs.
leahsmom commented on Oct 29 09 at 9:59 amI changed my last name when I got married, because I really wanted to be rid of it. I love my parents very much, and we have a good relationship - but my last name is also the last name of my abusive, horrible grandfather (maternal) - someone I don’t want to have any connection to. So for me, it was a great opportunity to move away from that name.
Lee commented on Oct 29 09 at 3:57 pmI like Nancy Gibbs comment…”I never understood why, from the perspective of fighting the patriarchy, it was somehow more liberated to bear your father’s name than your husband’s, especially since you choose your husband and inherit your father.”
Marj commented on Oct 29 09 at 11:34 pmI took my husband’s last name. Like someone else pointed out, I liked the idea of us being a family and sharing a name symbolized that for me. However, I was 31 years old when I married and attached to my maiden name. So I followed the Victorian tradition of keeping my maiden name as a middle name.
Cin commented on Oct 31 09 at 5:36 amI found a pretty good solution — I officially took my husband’s name (moving my last to my middle) but I use my old name for work, and I can publish under that without legal proof or anything. Since there is little overlap between my personal and professional life, it works okay. I have to pause and think sometimes when making purchases, etc. which persona to represent
Mrs. Stand commented on Nov 01 09 at 1:00 amI will fully admit I am fairly young (28). But if you’re a true feminist, or as I call myself, humanist, why is it “empowering” to keep your given last name? How does that prove you’re equal to your husband? I’m equal to my husband - am I not? - but I don’t need to prove that to anyone, I just assume they know.
All that being said, I changed my last name to his. He was surprised when I did considering all the women in his family chose to keep their maiden names. I have a professional career and so does he. Changing my name was symbolic of going from a single woman to a committed member of our partnership. As our son says ” Go family team!” And I’m sorry, but hyphenated names and middle-last names scream uncommitted and identity crisis to me. Its like you’re trying to convince yourself you’re just as important as your husband.
Kathy commented on Jan 07 10 at 4:54 pmComments I kept my name and my husband wouldn’t have it any other way –in fact he gets more upset than I do when his relatives (aunts, etc –not my actual inlaws) send us Xmas cards addressed to Mr. and Mrs. His Name. I appreciate the irony of the name I am keeping being my father’s name (I actually would rather honor my mother, but she changed her name, what would I do, go back to HER maiden name….???) Both my husbands’ and my last names are weird complicated ethnic names, so hyphenating was not an option. Our girls got his last name (but their first names are from my side of the family). I did (after two years of being called by the wrong name) gently point out to the preschool that my last name was different from my daughters’, as should have been clear from the years of notes, registration forms, tuition checks, etc. that I had filled out in my own name. They were apologetic. But I don’t get bent out of shape when the pediatrician’s office or the girls’ friends call my Mrs. Husband-and-Kids-Last-Name.
Amy commented on Jan 16 10 at 1:29 amI kept my maiden name because it’s unusual and my parents had two girls. Although I have male cousins with the same name, they spell it differently, so I know my last name would die out if I didn’t continue it. Our daughter has my last name, and my husband is totally cool with it. Like he tells everyone, he knows she’s his daughter, regardless of her last name. But we did agree ages ago that if we have another child, he/she would take his last name.
