Shouting - It’s the New Spanking

Awesome! So yelling, spanking, positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement and time-outs are all bad? Perfect I’ll just raise my son to be a wild monkey…hey maybe if I’m lucky he’ll chuck feces at people who come up with conflicting parenting advice!

I couldn’t stop myself from commenting on this one; I came in at No. 100 out of 210 thus far:

I know from experience that yelling doesn’t work; it only escalates our son and the situation. We parents are role models: If we yell, we teach our kids to yell. Our son, and I would imagine kids in general, do better with a calm, consistent parent or caregiver. My sitter can get angry, she can get loud, but she never loses it. I’ve learned a lot just by watching her. If he’s already out of control, the last thing he needs is an out-of-control adult. I’m a parent-training vet. Do I know how to give myself a time out, to take a breathe, to diffuse the situation? I’m getting better and better at it. (Our son is 6.) Have I learned the best way to get him to respond is with a calm, commanding voice, all the while ignoring his protestations? Yes. But do I still sometimes yell? Of course I do, especially when it feels like there’s no other way to get his attention, or I’m tired and frustrated. He can really wear you out. But once everyone’s calmed down, I apologize for it. I tell him that I’m not perfect, no one is, but no one is supposed to yell. These days, he’s getting better and better at controlling himself, but he can only learn that from seeing adults do it. Every expert in the book has told us, “You cannot yell.” Still, I’d like to see them spend four hours with my kid and do it.

baconsmom is right — there’s yelling, and then there’s Yelling. I don’t feel guilty for raising my voice to be heard over a tantrum or the noise of a bunch of kids. I certainly don’t feel guilty when I shout to get the attention of an errant niece or nephew who has decided s/he can ignore me. That’s entirely different from shouting abusive words at a child.

Please! I do not spank my children, but I most certainly raise my voice, and I don’t feel the least bit guilty. I never degrade them, or verbally abuse them. I don’t curse.

I was raised in a house that was very verbal this way, and it hurt me in no way. To this day I feel loved and cared for, and I think it is perfectly healthy to occasionally lose your temper and get it all out.

As long as you don’t cross over from raising your voice to verbal abuse I see little harm.

When we were interviewed for the piece, we didn’t know which other experts would be interviewed or what they would be saying. There was quite a lot of other quotes that landed on the cutting room floor. While our survey indicated 2/3 of respondents felt yelling induced guilt, this isn’t to say the yelling wasn’t warranted or that parents aren’t supposed to lose their cool. I’m not a Stepford Parent, nor am I sitting perched up on a pedastal claiming yelling is utterly unavoidable. If the yelling isn’t insulting, humiliating or admonishing, then it’s probably more about letting out some frustration or just having a bad day. Kids have a great way of handling it when they make mistakes, they call for a “do over” and go on. I think parents can do the same thing and feel less guilty about the times we get pissed off and yell. Now if yelling is the only form of communication one uses with their kids, that is a completely different animal, but overall yelling happens and what we do about it afterwards provides our children and ourselves with the learning experience. It’s not terrible for kids to see parents have negative emotions, after all , we want our kids to be able to handle their own negative emotions too. Okay, time for bed otherwise I will be utterly cranky in the AM. : )

What parents are these people? They need to grow a pair already. I was spanked and yelled at as a child. I am a normal (maybe even boring) well adjusted adult.

It seems to me that shouting is just like spanking. Both can be useful tools for correcting an errant child, and both can become abuse when they are done out of anger or with too much intensity.

Thank you for all your insightful comments, there are plenty of parents who teach, mentor, listen to and speak with their children raising kind, caring, ethical kids. When our girls misbehave the first person I look to is me. Am I modeling being kind, respectful and caring. When I do the children respond in kind. Our children want to behave they want to be loved and they want to succeed, it is our job to guide and love them showing them how to be adaptable, accountable, skillful kids. Change you, change your child. Lynne Kenney author of The Family Coach Method http://www.lynnekenney.com