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They Say: Parents Are Expert Liars
Most of us will admit to lying to our kids on occasion. We make up stories about fairies who pay money for teeth and praise even the sloppiest artistic efforts. These parental fibs are rare and motivated mostly by a desire to make our children happy. Or are they? According to a recent study, parents lie to their children more often and about more things than you might think. And their motivation for bending the truth isn’t always altruistic.
To uncover the truth about when and why parents lie, researchers conducted two separate studies. In one, they asked 130 graduate students to comment on specific scenarios in which a lie was told to influence a child’s behavior or emotions. Such scenarios included threats of police intervention if a child didn’t stop crying or a tall tale about a dead relative becoming a star in the sky. Almost 90 percent of the students admitted to being told at least one of those types of lies as a child.
In the other study, 130 parents were given the same scenarios and asked to indicate whether they had told similar lies to their own children. Despite more than 70 percent claiming they teach their children that lying is wrong, nearly 80 percent admitted to using lying as a parenting tool.
So, what’s the harm in telling a little white lie in order to head off a temper tantrum or scare a child into submission? Well, there’s that whole issue of trust. Some day little Johnny is going to figure out that mommy doesn’t really have police officers on standby waiting for her call. But beyond that, researchers say that lying to your kids in order to influence their behavior may impede the learning process. If a child behaves only because he’s afraid of the made-up consequences, will he ever learn to follow the rules without the threat of legal action?
This study was small and preliminary and therefore doesn’t really give much insight into the long-term consequences of parental lying. But it’s a fascinating subject that begs the question: What’s the biggest whopper you’ve told your kids? Did it work?
Photo: sxc.hu
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beth commented on Oct 02 09 at 9:03 pmI have a friend who will tell her 4 yr old child anything to get him to do something (like leave the park). She’s used monsters, jail, fake bribes, etc. It makes me very uncomfortable and doesn’t even work half the time. Why use fake consequences when you can use real ones? Not only does it teach the kid to lie, but it also is a cop out by the parent who could be teaching through real consequences (like “you won’t have time to watch your favorite TV show if you don’t leave right now.”)
Penny commented on Oct 04 09 at 5:27 amComments
The first time I really lied to my son was at the zoo. We had just gotten a membership, and it was me with my 3 year old and my 1 month old, who I was carrying in one of those snuggly things. My toddler really wanted to go up this ladder-inside-a-tree-that-leads-to-a-slide thingy and he just wasn’t big enough and there was no way I could go up there to rescue him with a one month old strapped on. So he starts screaming, and crying, and throwing himself on the floor, and I’m giving him alternatives, commiserating, and finally threatening to leave. Security is eyeing us. Finally I say, “Look, honey, I didn’t want to tell you this, but I guess I’m going to have to. There’s a giant snake that lives in that tree, and he can only eat little kids. That’s why you can’t go in there.” He eyed the tree for a couple of seconds, and then went and happily played elsewhere. And I thought, THAT WAS BRILLIANT. Why haven’t I done that before?
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