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Issues! What’s the Optimal Child Spacing?
I have three kids, with four years between each birth. When I want to torture myself, I do the math and recall that, a decade from now, I will have one starting college, one starting high school and one in the fourth grade. For a person who is exactly 12 months younger than her only sibling, this scenario is simply ridiculous. That’s too many years between kids.
Except the four-year stretch has, so far, been pretty good. One at a time in those totally dependent newborn to 3 years. One at a time in daycare (flash-forward to college — one at a time there, too). Plenty of breathing room for everybody.
So what is the optimal number of years between siblings? Eighteen months? Two years? Five?
The July issue of Parenting: Early Years looks into the pros and cons of various spacings. It turns out, no scenario is perfect.
Here’s a recap:
For two under two, moms report total exhaustion (crap, what’s my excuse?). But planning family activities without having to wait for the younger ones to get older is a plus (agreed — my oldest gets ripped off with a lot of that stuff, while my middle one gets put in situations she’s not entirely ready for). Also, attention-needy toddlers make baby snuggling a challenge.
Three years apart
Often thought of as the ideal, the magazine doesn’t come up with many cons except for the older child not understanding why Mom and Dad spend so much time with the baby. Scheduling activities for the older child around the naps of the younger is nearly impossible. (I would add, at any age.)
Four years or more
The great part is that older kids are independent and can entertain themselves (and eat alone at the table, etc.). It’s also fun to see the older ones show such an interest in the new baby. But it’s a shock for Mom and Dad to go back to the newborn days, since most sleep problems, potty training, etc., have been out of the picture for a while.
What the magazine doesn’t talk about are those families with a decade or more between the siblings, a set up which can sometimes feel raising like two onlies. Or even spacing between more than two children.
Also, no matter what the spacing, this will no doubt be every family’s cross to bear.
What are your thoughts? How many years are between your kids? Is that how you planned it? Do you wish they were closer together in age — or further apart?
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20 Comments
[...] Issues! What’s the Optimal Child Spacing? [...]
Some Chinese Couples Encouraged to Have Second Child | Strollerderby commented on Jul 23 09 at 3:24 pmPlumbLucky commented on Jul 23 09 at 2:45 pmHmmmm…my siblings and I are all between 26 and 32 months apart (four of us). Seems to work okay. We’re all fairly close now, FWIW.
My husband and his sister are five years apart; they couldn’t be further apart if they tried, actually, now.
I’ve told my MIL, whenever she starts asking, that I don’t want to be the local joke like XYZ (they have five, all 10-12 months apart, and she looks burnt out and completely exhausted – like could use a stay in the hospital exhausted), especially since MIL partakes in the sniping.
TolaniLucia commented on Jul 23 09 at 3:44 pmWe are trying to figure all this spacing stuff out now. It is flooding my head. yikes!
Steph commented on Jul 23 09 at 3:48 pmMy sister and I are 11 years apart (same parents) and it has been an interesting life. I was a senior in HS when she was in first grade. We both have only child traits. We are close to each other and she dotes on my son. The Santa tradition never stopped, because I had to believe until I was 22, and now it’s fun for her to participate.
Nicole commented on Jul 23 09 at 4:53 pmI have 4 kids, aged 6 1/2, 5, 3 1/2, and 18 months. That means the first 3 came in less than 3 years, and that 3rd was 2 1/2 when surprise baby #4 came along. Now those first years were tough, like a marathon, but one I’d never have to race again. Surprise! But when she arrived, I found that the spacing of 2 1/2 years was way easier than the 15 and 17 month difference of her siblings. I wouldn’t change it now as all my baby care is basically over, and we are mid preschool/young elementary, and the stages are together. They watch the same TV shows, want to color, eat the same foods. It’s easier now than if I had them all 2 1/2 years apart.
Courtney commented on Jul 23 09 at 10:35 pmWe have a 16 month old and are expecting #2 in a couple of months. My husband and his brother are about 18 mos apart, and they are super close, so I’m hoping that will happen for my boys too. I’m an only child, so I don’t have any experience with any spacing or sibling issues of any kind. I’ve heard that the first year is tough, but once you get past that, it’s great. I’m hoping that’s true (at least the part about it being great later on).
Mistress_Scorpio commented on Jul 23 09 at 11:25 pmProper spacing for siblings is about 6 inches further than they can reach towards each other.
PlumbLucky commented on Jul 24 09 at 7:27 amM_S that is SOOOOO true!!!!! Now I must go clean coffee off my monitor, thank you :-).
leahsmom commented on Jul 24 09 at 9:04 amI have just the one kid; I grew up with a brother who was 8 years younger than me, though. For the most part, I really liked it – our needs were so different at different times, I never felt like I was “competing” with him, and when I was a stressed-out teenager, he was still a happy kid playing basketball. I did sometimes wonder if we might have been closer to one another if we were closer in age, but the older I get, the more I realize that that’s just Noah. I am not sure there is an ideal – but that spacing worked well for us, and my mom always said it was nice to focus on one highschool education at a time.
Sabrina commented on Jul 24 09 at 10:39 amMine are 18 months apart. I like it that way, even though the younger years were heck and despite the fact that we didn’tplan them to be so close in age.
CoolAuntieTina commented on Jul 24 09 at 11:16 amMy husband and his three older brothers were all born within 8 years, and he’s super-close with all of them, especially the oldest. I’m the youngest of three, with my brother and sister being 9 and 12 years apart, respectively. I’m not so close with them, and I felt like the only child when I grew up and they were out of the house. Right now my husband and I have a 10 month old, and we always wanted our kids close in age (19-20 months). However, due to economic and space issues, we’re going to hold off until next spring or summer to start trying again.
KC commented on Jul 24 09 at 1:01 pmMy two are 20 months apart. I cried for much of my second pregnancy because I never wanted them that close in age. My brother is 6 years older than me, and hubby’s brother is 9 years younger than him. Now that my youngest is almost a year old, I’m glad they’re close in age so I can get all the baby stuff over with and get some sleep. :)
Erica commented on Jul 24 09 at 2:24 pmMy sister and I are 6 yrs apart and have ALWAYS been the best of friends. She’s older, and I’m sure she, at times, was annoyed with kid sister tagging along. But she didn’t complain much. Hubby and his sister are 6 yrs apart and didn’t like each other until they were basically adults.
I’m 2 months pregnant with #2. My daughter will be 5 1/2 when this little nugget is born. I have a feeling this is going to work out great. She is out of the jealous stage, and is actually very excited to be able to help with the baby. She’s going to be an excellent big sis.
We always planned on waiting until she went into kindergarten because we can’t afford 2 daycare bills. Well, OOPPSS! Looks like we’ll have 2 full time daycare bills for about 3 months. Not too bad in the grand scheme of things.
Kayt commented on Jul 26 09 at 3:49 pmMy sister and I are five years apart. I think it was a teeny bit too far apart because I wasn’t interested in the same things as her growing up. I have a seven month old, and my plan is to potty train him, then start trying for a second one. Three-ish years is what I’m hoping for.
ri-chan commented on Aug 28 09 at 6:15 pmMy sister and I are 9 years apart and I pretty much raised her while my mom and dad went and did their own thing. My friend is 18 years older than his little brother and see’s him more as a nephew that a brother. I plan on having another baby when my son starts school.
Sharriah commented on Nov 27 09 at 5:47 pmWe have a 5 month old and are debating trying for #2. Our frineds with 2 very close are happy now that they are out of todler hood and so close in interests but our doctor strongly recommends waiting for at least a year before trying again. The newest research also suggest that the best spacing for the health of baby and mom and the nurturing of the prior sibling is 3 years. We are thinking we might split the difference and have them 2 1/2 years apart:)
Katrina commented on Jan 07 10 at 4:36 pmOur son is 15 months old and we just found out we are (surprise!) going to have a baby in August, so they’ll be 22 months apart. A few months earlier than we had expected, but still doable! I am 2 years older than one sister, and 5 years older than the youngest. The middle sis and I played together a ton growing up, fought like hooligans, but played the same stuff. The younger one was always the tag-along but now as adults we are all very close. My DH is 18 months older than his sis, and they fought until they were teens, now she considers him a best friend. Crazy how it all works out in the end.
Claire commented on Jan 15 10 at 3:12 amI think it’s true what they say about four or more years being a shock when we had to go back to the newborn. We are doing it all over again and we’ve been out of and comfortable being away from the diaper scene for a while. But I guess that’s a little price to pay for having spaced and planned our pregnancy coz we know we are ready for the next.
Jen commented on Jan 24 12 at 4:21 pmI had triplets, and I wouldn’t change that. There’s certainly more sleep deprivation the first year or two, and more expenses with 3 cribs/sets of clothes etc. at the same time. On the other hand, when we were done with diapers and car seats, we really were done.
I think that it all comes down to what you’re used to, and what your expectations are. We’d very carefully planned to have one child, and that didn’t turn out the way that we expected. If I’d had a single child before triplets I probably would have panicked more before they were born. We seem to deal with the same sibling issues that everyone else does, even with special needs thrown into the mix.
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