Dad Harassed for Daughters in Men’s Room
Who hasn’t been in this situation? Your child has to go to the bathroom, and the only one to take them is the opposite-gender parent. So which bathroom do you use?
If you’re Donovan O’Neil, you take your toddler daughters into the men’s room. After all, he’s a man. So why was he attacked by a security guard?
Because a man in the bathroom reported him to security. Over the presence of a one-year-old and a three-year-old in the men’s room. And security took the random guy’s side!
Perhaps O’Neil should have left the girls outside while he went and peed alone. Then security would have had a real concern on their hands.
I’ve found it comes down to a certain age when kids need to start using the gender-appropriate bathroom. It’s as much for the kids own comfort as anyone else’s - most thirteen-year-old girls I know would be pretty freaked having to walk into a men’s room and see them all lined up at the urinals. But for a three-year-old, there is no sexual aspect to using the bathroom. It’s a matter of “I have to go potty . . . now” and actually DOING it. And if she’s with dad, or he’s with mom, that means using the adult’s corresponding potty.
Let’s face it - most places don’t have the family bathroom, that separate extra-large room for unisex use. And when the opposite-gendered parent is present with a child, the only choice is to use the “wrong” bathroom.
Lucky for me, I have a daughter. I don’t have to worry about the stares. But just last weekend, my daughter whispered “I have to go potty” into my husband’s ear while I was in the midst of swiping my credit card. Her eyes practically swimming with tears, it was not a time to say “hold on until we get through the transaction.” But with my signature required, I had to stay where I was. And so my husband took the four-year-old girl into the men’s room. He didn’t make a big deal of it, he just did it.
There are times too when he has to use the bathroom at a restaurant, and she decides “me too,” and hops up to run off with him before I have any say. Just starting to differentiate the signs between “ladies” and “gentleman,” we’re still comfortable with that arrangement. Especially because I wouldn’t send her into a restroom alone. At four, that is not an answer.
It’s not an answer for years to come - look at the New York lawyer who dropped her daughter off on the side of the road for a moment then came back to get her. What kind of outcry did that get? And what was always brought up was the fact that this was a relatively safe and busy part of town, a business district. And what is a mall? Leaving a nine-year-old outside the mall restroom while you run in to pee is equally unsafe.
But parents are placed in a clear Catch 22 when they’re faced with adults who can’t separate the sexuality from the bodily function. O’Neil and his daughters were safe inside a stall when the security guard came pounding on the door. They weren’t out staring at men’s penises in the center of the bathroom. And if they were, so what? They are one and three!
Besides the unnecessary sexual issues, there seems to be a lack of willingness to simply work with parents. On vacation, we entered a convenience store off the highway only to find the ladies’ room was out of order. So my husband blocked the door to the men’s room while my daughter and I used it. There were only two stalls - all taken up by the three of us (she and I shared one), and still we were glared at. If I was a man, my daughter a boy, we would have filled those two stalls the same way. In essence, we were not blocking access anymore than we would have if we’d been male.
A woman over at the Berkeley Parents Network expressed concern over a rule that her seven-year-old son use the male locker room at her local pool. The women who responded told her that having her son in the room while they changed would bother them too greatly, so she needs to get over it. How about just letting a mom come in with her son after everyone else is done? I can respect that by seven, little boys are beginning to become curious, and a changing room is slightly different from a regular restroom. But you can’t criticize one parent for letting her children walk around unattended and then expect another to simply force her young child into an unfamiliar place by themselves.
What bathroom do you use with your kids?
Image: Cool Lines USA
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Tags: bathroom, daughters, fathers and daughters, Jeanne Sager, mothers and sons, potty training, public restroom, sex, sexuality, sons, toddlers, vacation
8 Comments
MMOOOOMMMM commented on Jul 03 09 at 2:22 pmWe have two girls…(5 and 3) and if he/they have to use the bathroom when they’re out, they use the mens… no way I’m sending the girls into a bathroom alone, or them waiting outside for dad to come out!
Maria commented on Jul 03 09 at 3:26 pmThe article says they were at the Dept. of Social Services. It doesn’t make a difference to the story but I thought you might want to change your post.
jeannesager commented on Jul 03 09 at 4:25 pmThanks Maria - I read two different articles, one said mall, one said DSS. I made the change
Bluster commented on Jul 04 09 at 8:37 amAs the father of two daughters, I used to shudder at the thought of using public restrooms, because of the gender considerations, but also because I never went into a men’s restroom that was clean enough for a man, let alone for a little girl. What were the women’s restrooms like???
There were many times when I stood my girls beside the women’s restroom door until a woman came along who would escort them in. Ifelt more secure, but if the men’s restrooms seemed contaminated, I never went back because I couldn’t believe they would treat their women customers any better.
veteran88 commented on Jul 04 09 at 8:38 pmlived in europe for 10 years after retiring from the military. my girlfriend’s nieces came to visit in the summer and wanted to go swimming at the local pool.girlfriend at work i was elected to take the girls of 5 and 6. it was no big deal. i was family and we had to change. i at first was a bit nervous but only because of my american upbringing. there is no issue with nudity in europe. i wonder what is in the minds of the people who seem to have such a problem. if the person who reported the incident had been thinking like a father, we would never have heard of it.
ChiLaura commented on Jul 05 09 at 10:47 pmOn a note related to the weird-o sexualized child aspect of this: I went downtown with my 3 y/o son yesterday, and there’s a huge plaza with a fountain and a “water pad” for kids to run thru (I don’t know what else to call it — Millenium Park in Chicago). Anyway, my son wanted to run thru, so I took off his shirt and rolled up his shorts, as I didn’t have any swim suit for him. He has long hair, which I’d tied back in a ponytail. While I was taking off my own shoes to wade in, a security guard approached me and asked, “Is that your daughter?” I said, “That’s my son.” The guard says, “Oh, okay, we’re cool then,” and leaves. I was 2 feet from my son, so I don’t think that the guard thought that he was an abandoned child. The only thing I could think of is that the guard thought that my son was a girl and didn’t think it appropriate that “she” be running around shirtless. (Granted, I could be wrong, but this is the only thing that makes sense.) My son is sort of big for his age, but he doesn’t look any older than 4, if that, so essentially the guard was objecting to a 4 y/o girl running around without a shirt! How crazy is that?! I think that it’s sad and disgusting. If my son had been a girl, and if the guard had told me that she had to put on a shirt, I would’ve started an argument. Though maybe I would’ve lost, since it’s a public park. Anyway… so weird.
Divorced father with daughter commented on Jul 16 09 at 1:23 amI’ve also had worries but at a different age, not so much when my daughter was younger, never seemed to be an issue like this, but I was divorced when my daughter was 6 and it came up several times when we were out or traveling. My daughter didn’t want to use the ladies room by herself and I wasn’t really comfortable with taking her into the mens room, but I was usually able to get her into the stall. She’s 14 and has fine by herself now for a while. But the unisex bathrooms are definitely a good thing. The security guard and other guy were morons.
Bob commented on Oct 02 09 at 10:55 pmIt is wrong for a man to expose himself to a little girl, and it is wrong for a little girl to see a strangers you-know-what in a rest room. It is uncomfortable for me, to say the least. Leave the kids at home, or wait until the coast is clear in the men’s room.
