[...] Do Successful Working Moms Get Judged More? [...]

I think Warner’s point is that mothers who work outside the home tend to be judged more harshly by others due to the perception that they are choosing their careers over their children. For some reason, people feel more justified in “slapping down” these moms. I’m not sure why Warner chose the word “successful,” but perhaps she meant “high profile”??

And GP, I think Warner’s point is that these comments, regardless of how stupid they may be, do bother us and make us feel more guilty and defensive. Maybe we should be above being affected by a ridiculous, off-hand comment by a stranger, but most of us are not.

Upon return from my recent 6-month maternity leave, a male colleague informed me that his daughter had recently quit her job after giving birth because she “wants to be a real mom.” Ouch.

Ouch is right, Lanie. I think I would have burst into tears if I had heard that.
I am not proud of it, but I tend to take negative comments from other mothers very personally and it hurts my feelings. But after suffering a miscarriage last week, my tolerance level for passive aggressive behavior and smug comments is at an all-time low. I don’t really have it in me to be polite anymore. People need to check themselves before they wreck themselves, because in my current mental state there is a good chance that I might actually bite someone.

MomofBeans, I am really sorry for your loss.

I’m too busy criticizing my own parenting to have any time leftover to judge others. I feel guilty for working, guilty for not working enough — I forgot today was crazy hair day or I won’t let my son have a Nintendo DS. I’ve got more than enough of my own stuff to deal with to worry about whether or not another mother read her handbook or is working 40+ hours. Maybe if we didn’t write or read so much about mother’s judging mothers, we could move on (yes, I read the article so I guess I’m part of the problem). If no one talked about the “mommy wars” would there be any?

MomofBeans, I am also very sorry for your loss.

I think all kinds of moms suffer too much judgment, whether they do or don’t work and no matter what kind of work they do. If you are a stay at home mom, and everything isn’t spotless, people wonder why you can’t run your house perfectly. Even if you are the mom who seems to do all of that stuff beautifully, and you make beautiful baked goods, etc., there will be a group of successful mothers who deride you for being a 50′s housewife and not needing more intellectual stimulation.

I agree that it would be great if we could let these unfair judgments go without feeling hurt by them, but I think many moms are extra sensitive about our mothering. It would be so much easier and more pleasant if moms didn’t judge one another so harshly.

Momofbeans, I am so sorry. I had 2 miscarriages, and I agree that it is amazing how insensitive some people can be. From the “what did you do to cause it” remarks to people criticizing my need to take a few months off before trying again.

Madeleine, I had the same reaction to the article. I can’t say who has it worse (moms who work outside the home or stay at home moms) because, so far, I have only been a stay at home mom. However, there is no shortage of comments on either side. I keep getting asked when I’m going back to “real work”, and how can I stick to such an unfulfilling life after having an “exciting” career. What I find is that people make these comments because they are jealous and unhappy with their own situation. If someone is insulting a mom with a professional career, they are really envying her, and the same with people who insult stay at home moms. I have learned to let these remarks slide off my back.

I’m due to have my first in a few weeks, and I already get snarky asides from my co-workers about my returning to work after maternity leave. As if a) it’s any of their business and b) I give a sh*t about their opinion anyway. I see valid points in both articles, but I have to say the most insightful commentary struk me from one of the above commentors, who asked if there would be a mommy war if we didn’t talk about it? Whe knows one way or the other. But I for one am going to make a conscious choice to be less judgemental of mothers in all situations. Not one of us knows what happened five minutes ago or yesterday or last week. A little benefit of the doubt would do us all some good.

I started getting the snark before my son was even born, and I’ve gotten it from both sides. My son was born about 4 weeks before my last semester of law school ended, so I had to be back in clas within a week of his birth. As a result, I didn’t sign up for any of the ubiquitous new-mom classes or playgroups. By the time I was finished with school and with the bar exam, my son was 4 months old, and it felt way too late to try to get involved in any of those groups, since either the babies would all be much younger or the moms would have all had 4 months of bonding time already. Since taking the bar, I’ve been a stay at home mom. I’ve therefore gotten the whole range of comments, from the “why did you even bother to have a child if you weren’t willing to drop everything to care for him” comments to the “so, when are you going to find a real job” comments. The other day, I even got criticized for exhausting myself chasing my active now 15 month old sone around, because I’m 7 months along with number two and apparently shouldn’t be “putting him at risk” by caring for my toddler (I picked up my crying toddler and then fished a toy out from under a high chair while holding him).

Every mom gets judged for everything. I’ve had total strangers criticize me for not putting socks on my son in 85 degree weather. These complaints are totally ridiculous, and most days I’ve gotten pretty good at just letting them roll off my back. However, parenting is hard and scary, and there are days where the little comments really get to me and I question myself as a mom.

I don’t think this is really an issue of moms specifically being judgemental…I get just as many comments from people without kids, regardless of age. I actually find that most parents are pretty understanding (I’ve gotten that great knowing nod from many a mom and dad). The group I’ve gotten the worst comments from are actually women whose children are long grown, as a lot of parenting wisdom has changed over the last couple of decades.

Thanks, guys. This has been utterly heartbreaking. I’ve heard some pretty insensitive remarks (along the lines of “Did you do something wrong?” but overall the most disheartening thing I’ve heard is silence. Having other people acknowledge this loss means more to me than hearing the “right” words.

mom of beans – so sorry for your loss, can’t even imagine.

as someone who has been both a stay at home mom and working mom, i totally agree with those above who have said you get dumped on no matter which side of the fence you are on. i have an mba in finance, and speak 2 foreign languages and people look at me like i am totally crazy because i am staying home now. i worked until my first child was 2 and a half and it sucked because i missed so much of her many firsts and peaceful moments. i started staying home when i became pregnant with number 2 and that sucked too at first because i immediately missed adult conversation and having two incomes in the house. i def went thru a self-pity party that “here i was, this highly educated, qualified woman,” cutting coupons and trying to schedule play dates and wearing last season’s shoes because all of a sudden, there just wasn’t as much disposable income laying around to buy the latest, the trendiest, whatever. now i couldn’t imagine it any other way. i am the happiest i have ever been, old shoes and all. that money and the “success” described by warren is all just smoke and mirrors. what good is it going to do you in 20 years to find out that you made a ton of money and had a high profile nameplate on your desk, but realized that you missed out on what could have been the most truly rewarding time in your life, helping the children you brought into this world become good capable grown-ups.