Knowing When to Stop Running in the Fertility Marathon
Tom Teicholz has written a really compelling, four-part series on male infertility over at yourtango.com. Actually, it’s not just about male infertility. The narrative starts out that way, but more than anything, his story is about traveling the twisting, seemingly endless road of trying to conceive a child, and all the ovulation tests, frustrations, sperm count assessments, crushing disappointments and acupuncture sessions that come with the ride. 
We all know that it isn’t easy to get pregnant, but these sorts of stories about fertility-challenged couples often leave me gasping at how exceedingly, unjustly difficult it can be for deserving people to become parents. Two things in particular that leaped out at me as I was reading Teicholz’s piece: the amount of money (more than $200,000!) and time (six years!) that he and his wife Amy spent trying to have a baby. Which raises the question: how do you know when you’ve hit the wall in the fertility marathon and just need to quit?
That’s a question that, prompted by an item on the New York Times’s MotherLode blog, I raised a couple of months ago here on the ‘derby. The conclusion I drew was that most people put the brakes on fertility treatments by default, for financial reasons. As that 200K figure suggests, going through all of this isn’t cheap, and most health insurance plans won’t cover a lot of these procedures, especially when they are repeated numerous times. Sometimes practical money matters make the decision for us.
But pretend cash isn’t a factor. Imagine that, like the Teicholzes, you could keep trying to get pregnant for as many months or years as you wanted. How long would you be able to keep going?
Personally, I don’t think I could stay committed to the process for six years. I admire them for trying, but I think I’d be emotionally drained after half that time and wouldn’t be able to continue. Then again, it’s incredibly easy for me to write that when, as I type, my healthy, easily conceived two-year-old boy sits upstairs in his crib, singing songs to himself in a sweet little falsetto when he’s supposed to be sleeping. If life had dealt me a different deck of cards, maybe I would find more stamina and pregnancy determination than I think.
But what about you? How long could you — or have you — stuck it out with fertility treatments? And again, if money weren’t an issue, how would you determine when to say when?
Image: yourtango.com
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Tags: fertility, fertility treatments, Jen Chaney, male infertility, sperm count, Tom Teicholz, yourtango.com
2 Comments
Lalalala commented on Jun 27 09 at 8:14 pmMy husband and I started trying for a baby in 2004. Within a year, we were diagnosed with infertility (male-factor, but I still believe I have some contribution) and we have never had so much as a false positive in the last 5.5 years. Tests, surgery, drugs, shots, procedures…. nothing.
We gave up early this year, knowing rationally that pregnancy and a baby would never happen for us, but I still can’t rid myself of the stupid, horrible hope each month - and probably will always think “maybe… since we weren’t trying….” until I hit menopause. Decades of self-torture to look forward to, while being slapped in the face every day, every hour - with happy families, baby stuff, television, movies and the unfit parents that abandon, abuse and kill their unwanted children in the news.
I still look at baby sites like this for some strange reason - must be a masochist or something.
So we tried for roughly 5 years. It was soul killing, tested our marriage, and has twisted me into a sad and bitter person, and killed any vestiges of faith in a higher power that I had. It is going to be a long, hard road to try to find a better place mentally, but my husband and I at least know that we have each other and the love we share has been just enough to keep things from falling completely apart.
Hope can sometimes be a horrible, horrible thing.
It is so very, very unfair but I guess that’s another life lesson I get the privilege to learn.
Teacher Teigen commented on Jun 29 09 at 12:16 amLalalala:
I’m sorry for your struggles, I’m sure it is very hard. I have never tried to get pregnant, so have no idea about my own fertility. I visit this site because I work in the field of childcare, and this site has a lot of good information for me. I am sure that many people have told you “Oh, just adopt!” and I know that you feel that nothing can fill that void that exists. A dear friend of mine has struggled with infertility for several years and I’ve been a witness to her pain. However, I can tell you as someone who cares for other people’s children and whose little brother is adopted (as a 2-year-old) that it is completely possible to love a child who is not biologically related to you just like he/she was your own. I have cared for children whom I loved like they were my own. My little brother was brought to us from a Ukrainian orphanage when he was nearly 2 years old. He could not walk or speak yet, and was very malnourished and had several untreated health conditions. Had we not adopted him, he would almost certainly have died within a year. Today he is a healthy 10-year-old who loves bikes and building things. I am sure that from where you are right now, adoption seems like a poor substitute for what you really want, but please believe that it really is an amazing chance to give a child a family and life they would not otherwise have had. I hope you find some peace within yourself.
